birth certificate

We just got M's new birth certificate int he mail!!!!!!! It is so weird. It has me listed as her mother (I am and always have been :) )and my dh listed as her father instead of my ex husband. It also shows our ages when she was born. I was very young when I gave birth to her, dh is only a year older then I am and lists him as 21 years old when she was born. We didn't know each other at the time. He was serving a mission for our church at the time she was born. We had a laugh about that wondering what people would think if they saw the birth certificate. M was more thrilled to see her new birth certificate then when her adoption was finalized-I think it made it real to her. Its really all done. What a good feeling it is. Musemoon-I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I was just listening to a talk on CD that my mom sent me about Victor Frankel (sp?) who survived the holocaust. You have that gift he taught-no matter what is happening in your life you realize that you have the power to find the joy. Thank you for sharing your inspiration and have fun at Disneyland. I got a call from my mom mid week last week. Whenever she calls with emotion in her voice or the way she is talking to me I know something is up and not in a good way. I came from a very small community but large in that it was like a big family, you knew everyone and everyone knew you. I also have huge-massive-extended family and we are all very close maybe having so many loved ones in your life is why I feel like I get too many calls like this. One of my cousins has been battling cancer for several years. He is only a year older then I am, he has 4 children and a beautiful wife-amazing family. Apparently they had overdosed him on his medication and he was on life support. It hit me so hard. I love living in NY but my heart it always with those in my hometown. I've never lived anywhere where people love each other and build each other up as they did in that little town. Most of us are related in some way. It was a beautiful way to grow up. With generations of people knowing you and helping you become. This is my cousin, sort of like a brother. Its so hard for me to be this far away from the immediate family I grew up, my extended family, and the "family" I knew as a child. I never get to be there for them and words will never come close to explaining the ways in which they were truly there for me in my time of need. The community is made up of farmers who scratched their existence out of the dessert. People who understand that calling yourself a Christian does not mean you are Christian. They, for the most part, behave in a manner that leaves no question as to they value and love for their fellow "brothers and sisters" on this planet earth. Everyone is accepted in that community. I am who I am because of my parents and the good people who live there. When my cousin was first diagnosed with cancer the town and surrounding area was in the middle of the worst drought anyone knows of for that area. Still the community sustained this family by canning food out of their garden, all families can food and grow a garden, its very much like going back in time..so different from the way I live. So everyone was asked to give a little of what they had to this family. He was a ditch rider and had to stop working. Its still pretty rural, and jobs like that really are necessary but he could have done anything with his life he's always been extremely intelligent went to college but he wanted a simple life. This left his family in a very bad place but through the help of people who didn't have anything to give they have been okay. We fasted and prayed as a family on Sunday for him and his family. I called my dad Sunday evening to see how he was doing and my dad had heard he was doing a little better but still on life support. When I was praying I just kind of knew I should pray more for his family then for him to live but instead for God's will. He's been in pain for so long, I saw him last year and I almost didn't recognize him. He looked and moved like an old man. The vibrant real life cowboy was gone in its place was pure agony. It was hard to see him like that but he has 4 young children who love and need him. His son is not much younger then my M. My parents both called me yesturday to tell me that he had died. It happened about the time I called my dad to see how he was doing. They had been trying to call me but we were out all day at parades and picnics. I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace with me all day long. I wondered why I needed that feeling, or energy, or whatever it was with me. When my parents told me even though I knew it was so likely it still didn't prepare me. I was very grateful for that peaceful feeling because through the loss that I was feeling, not for myself, but for his family who I love, I knew that they would be okay. I only wish there was more I could do for them. When someone I love dies it also tends to take me back emotionally to all of the losses I've experienced of loved ones, I fear the same happening to my own family. My dh always talks like he is going to leave me a widow, I know he's doing it more to prepare us in case something does happen but I dont know things like this just put me in a bad place emotionally. This really hasn't. I am so grateful to have felt sustained and as if I have grown. I only wish I could go "home" and be with my family right now. In my heart that is where I am. L