Have a minute...

I have an appointment with our GAL, who we have chosen to be our attorney for our adoption. He was the reason things progressed when it came down to it CPS's legal team is ummmm pathetic, so anyway I am excited to get everything done and finalized. Things have been challenging since baby girl left. I have had a rough time with missing her. It through me into a depression. So I got my heart fixed and all excited to be "normal" then all of the sudden in follow up appointments my blood preasure that has always been fine was through the roof and I began to have major health issues that Dr's couldn't figure out, all asked me "any chance you could be pregnant?" To which I laughed and said "no". I had what I thought was the worst period of my life, I nearly passed out from the blood loss and was anemic for several weeks, yes, thats right it was a miscarriage and I didn't even know I was pregnant, i felt like an idiot for not knowing and then wondering if I was to blame, but after finding out that i was pregnant I was told absolutely no giving birth for me, honestly for whatever reason I already knew this a long time ago and accepted it. I mean I did have moments of sadness. But I have 3 beautiful children, and two children at the time I found out originally and accepted no more giving birth, adoption is not a 2nd choice just another way for us, not a biggie. I was sick through both pregnancies and it was hard and I did not "miss" the pregnancy part of finding my Eli, however, loosing Maya... Its been a killer. I can't do it again and so I thought okay this is a sign, I really feel we have one more baby coming to our family, this means I will just give birth. Then my inlaws were idiots, so not worth repeating. It was just a crappy month. I don't know if I am capable of going down that adoption road again. Emotionally draining. So for our family are taking a step back and just loving our kiddoes. I'm taking care of my needs and healing from these wounds. I wish I had more time. but Kids are needing their mom. :