oopsie name dropped, and my incoherant can't sleep blathering

Tudu if you are reading, thank you for the complement and pointing it out to me. I love his name but didn't at first, I wanted it to be Eli or Elias I felt that was close enough to his given first name. I was at a fair and went to one of those name meaning booths and did E's name, I read what his name meant and cried. I knew that was his name. So it grew on me and it is, well, him. His birth mom gave him the E name and my dh's name as a middle name. I know the middle name she gave him has a different meaning to her but I still get chills when I think about it and cried when I saw it on his original birth certificate. I had to delete my entry as there is no way to edit out his name even though there appears to be that option anyway you are one of a few who know! I hope this doesn't sound selfish but I'm thinking of delaying our adoption. As if I had that option :). We have no way of knowing when E's adoption will finalize so assuming it is done in Oct-Nov as we hope, I plan on waiting to submit our paperwork until January. I also do not want to set myself up for a big disapointment. I want E to be adopted NOW NOW NOW!!! But no matter how much I bug and annoy the powers that be I don't have much control over it and I do not want to set myself up for the disapointment I will inevitably feel if the time line drags on and on and on. I"m also considering going back to our church's agency and re-activating with them, this had been the plan we had when we accepted E both with them and ourselves, however they require E's adoption to be finalized before they will even begin our update. I don't think it will be difficult to get the agency homestudy updated as we already have one completed with them. They do not release their homestudies to any other agencies. The only reason I want to use them is because they are affordable. At this point, right now that is our problem. We still plan on getting homestudy ready for Spence-Chapin. Be active with both. of course I have to still talk all of this over with my dh who is currently at Scout Camp for the entire week w/o cell phone reception. Oh I think he is going to have some funny stories. He took some boys that have never been camping, from inner city. I overheard a conversation he had with one 12 year old who was worried about fox and racoons. Dh and I haven't had any long lenght time to ourselves since our honeymoon-9 years ago. Not even a weekend. One nights occasionally when my mom babysits for us. I had a bad experience with a sitter as a child and have trust issues with anyone and my kids for long periods so that is part of the problem. The other part is not putting ourselves as a priority. This year we concentrated on a date night, it has been wonderful. This spring I booked us a couples cruise/week in Florida and Bahamas. I have a few months to finalize the dates. I was thinking that if I have a newborn baby, let alone my little E there is just no way I'm going to leave for a solid week. I just can't-would die. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around leaving E. My girls are old enough and LOVE my mom and I know will be okay, I will miss them, but I know they will be okay and are in good hands-the only person on the planet I would leave my kids with for that long-but E, man he had a hard time when I was recovering from surgery and couldn't hold him. So if we don't go now we might as well throw it away or figure out how to take a newborn and toddler on a cruise???-no thank you, that just doesn't sound like vacation to me, more like nightmare. Dh has taken all of his vacation days this year so we would have to wait until January otherwise I would book it for late fall early December. So this brings me to the selfish part. Here I am dying for a baby making such a rush to get homestudy ready...and drum role. I think we will submit for our baby in January...there I said it, then I can go on my cruise with my dh for an entire week alone. I also need to get my butt in shape as its rather dimply and flabby and I don't want my last baby mommy pictures to be with the fat lady hiding behind somebody in the pictures. I want to be a hot mama, there I go selfish again. But you know, this is my last time being a mom to a baby and I know how fast that goes by. I hate hate hate being fat. Its uncomfortable and down right depressing. I want to feel pretty and "normal" mommy. I don't think there will be anymore kiddoes even if I want them, dh is just not going to go for it-he hasn't really said anything but I do think he is done after #4 joins our family. I have always felt there was 2 more after out little girls. I saw them in dreams and had spiritual experiences. So in a way I do feel this is going to be my baby, the baby of the family. I want to feel good in every way possible and this is a big deal to me. I gained all this weight from stress eating after not dealing well with foster children leaving. Its time to close that chapter in my life and also loose my foster care blubber. There are some big things going on with my in-laws right now. Its something I can't write about.....blah. I hate that I have to be guarded but really I can't write about this. It involves my dh, however, I will say that much, and him having to press charges...and things not going well for that person.....and it is well just a mess. This means, however, that dh will be working even more like a dog to make up for it because his parents will be going through the drama. While very real they have enabled most of what is occuring and continue to............its sooooooooooooo crazy!!!!!!!! I bought the book the Secret and I'm going to try to stay away from the negative stuff. So I am dying to write more about how much I hate some things about our life. I really dont "get" the book yet.....more updates later. For now I think I'm missing dh like crazy and can't sleep :(. He will be home tomorrow. The kids are missing him, especially E, he keeps saying "daddy work? Daddy gone?" He has cried for him a few times.