In June of 2015 my life changed- again. I was sitting in my counselor's office, crying about how I didn't know how my baby could ever be happy being raised in a split home with hardly any resources. My counselor gently asked me if I was still comfortable with parenting. I got angry, told her of course I was, and got out of the meeting as soon as I could. Then I sat in my car and cried and cried and texted my mom... "I think I'm going to start looking at adoptive couples".
To this day I can't really explain why my mind changed. I was so dead set on parenting and then suddenly I wasn't. No weight was lifted from my shoulders, no feeling of incredible peace befell me. I just knew that I didn't want to, but that I couldn't deny that it would be better for my baby.
I wasn't happy about it. I wasn't happy about all the people that acted so smug when I started being more open about my adoption plan, thinking they had been right about what I should do all along. But it wasn't, and still isn't, any of their business. This was my baby and my decision and no one could make that for me, not even Ryan. I let him know what I was planning on doing and he was not at all happy about it. However, he made no move to stop me so I began looking at families.
But how could I choose a family that would be anywhere near good enough for my baby angel?