Emily Fox

I’m over a year late to this forum, but I wanna share my experience with you too and let you know you’re not alone. First off, I absolutely agree that biological children are not given the chance to express their feelings, specifically negative feelings, regarding any adoptee. It’s shut down by extended family, strangers tell them off and say they will eventually come to love their new siblings, etc. It’s all very infuriating and dismissive of the bio child’s feelings. That resentment builds up and yet no one can see it because it’s automatically labeled as bad, which taken a step farther could then change into a bad and ungrateful child. I was that child and I’m speaking from a very deep place of anger and resentment. My parents adopted my sister (who is ethnically the same as us, Chinese) when I was 7. That’s a seven year age gap. Worse of all is that they did nothing to prepare me for the new baby. They simply asked one christmas if I would like a younger sister. I don’t remember what I said, but that was the first and last I got a say in it when suddenly the next year we were flying to China to adopt a baby (that I’m sure some parents threw away because it was a female and not a male to carry on their surname). Before all that, I was a preemie and also a cancer survivor child. So I was showered with love and attention 24/7, my parents were always kind and soothing to me. Then the new baby came. My parents changed and they weren’t the same as before. Any time I wanted to spend quality time with them, it MUST be shared with the new baby as well. I cannot recall one moment when I actually spent one-on-one playtime with either my parents after I was 7 because they literally would bring my new sister to participate too. Of course, that led to lots of tantrums and fits from an 8 year old after a year of being dismissed. The solution? Tell their bio child to behave with the new sister or else they’ll call the police. In my heart, I knew I was irrevocably replaced by this ungrateful, screaming creature. This would lead to a lot of physical fights as we grew up, such as pushing her down stairs, hitting and slapping each other, biting, screaming, etc. We couldn’t be left alone with each other. My parents’ new solution? Bemoan loudly in front of us and ask why we cannot get along like the good neighbors across the streets. Or, telling me I’m a grown up at 12 year old and that I should act like one and be nice to my sister. But anyway going back to you, I absolutely raged when I read your post because your mom in her ignorant attempt to be “fair” harmed you and your self-esteem beyond imaginable. I’d say let them know! They should be confronted with their mistakes as parents because I wish mine had the conscience to regret how poorly they did as parents. What you and I both needed were parents who would stop and take a moment to reassure us that they still loved us. And not just words of assurance but also actions. They should have carved out time to spend with their own children WITHOUT the others—which I honestly don’t understand why they couldn’t have. It would have been exactly like this with spending bonding time with an only child. I can only hope your parents will look back and regret horribly that they lost their chance to cultivate a bond with you as you were growing up.