Understanding your child(ren's) temperament

I am 38 and mother of 2 boys. My 16 yr old went to live with his dad at age 13. No conflict on either party. My youngest is 11 and I am having alot of difficulty at home and at school. Maybe you can give me some advice. For about 2 years now his behavior has changed. He gets alittle sarcastic at times, feels like everyone is against him when he gets into trouble, and has difficulty getting along with some boys his age- not all. He can be manipulative when it comes to discipline and tries to bargain/apologize etc.. I have tried time out, spanking, taking some privilages away. But it still happens from time to time and more often here at home. Suggestions for punishment at home. School last year was awful! He talked back to a few teachers a couple of times, did not complete his work in class on time-result was a bad grade. He had 2 minor fights with a boy who bothered him frequently. I homeschooled him in 4th grade due to my dad's illness and I had to travel 2-3 hours 3 days a week. He did so great in homeschool and at home. We moved to a different city and school last year and 5th grade was a nightmare. Now 6th grd has started, and already teachers are calling saying he is talking/disrupting class at times-school punishment was lunch detension for one day. He does have trouble listening and focusing at times and he can't remember what you told him to do 10-20 min ago. I have to write it down. Please give me suggestions for home and school to get control of this behavior.

I also have an 11-year-old, and gosh he sounds exactly like yours! I am having the exact same problems; my son has also just entered the sixth grade. Last school year was awful and I feel they only passed him to get him out of the elementary school because he is bigger and older than most of his classmates, and because they (the school administrators) were sick of dealing with his discipline problems. My son is very bright but terribly sarcastic both at home and at school. He does have ADHD, but I don't really think that's the problem. He seems to be intent on proving that he's smarter than all the adult authority figures in his life. I can't stand to see him "fighting the system" at this age... I keep trying to convince him that he's just beating his head against a brick wall. True, life isn't always fair and rules aren't always fair, but you can't change anything unless you get an education first, and I feel like my son is throwing away his chance to get an education. At home, my son is often rude and sarcastic with me; he is larger than me physically, and I don't feel there's much I can do discipline-wise except threaten to tell my husband (who takes his side half the time, as if my son and I were two squabbling children instead of parent and child). I feel my son is losing his respect for me because of this. I don't know the answer, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm going through many of the same problems. Best of luck, ~ Sharon

Thank God I am not alone inthis. I always threaten to tell my husband too!! I am desperate for help or suggestions on how to control him at home and at school. I also posted on Dr. Art ADD forum about this. If I don't get a hold on it now, I feel it will get worse as he gets older. I too feel like he is losing respect for me. I also feel he has lack respect for some of his teachers. Maybe we will get some answers. Karen

It's tougher when the kids get bigger then you, but remember, you have the power. You control the phone, TV, Computer, transportation, sports, social events. When my kids use to act like I was stupid, I'd let them know "stupid moms can't drive you to the mall, sorry", Stupid me, forgot to pay the phone bill(I use my cell for my calls). Don't buy them stuff etc. Start there, it helps.

Hi, Hmmmm sounds like a very difficult situation. I was wondering about ADD and ADHD and whether you have had your son checked out? An excellent book on the topic is Driven to Distration by Dr. Hallowell. Also I wonder if you have considered having him talk with a therapist, or perhaps a guidance counselor at the school ... sometimes we need professional help, when things at home are not going well. Is your son verbal? Does he talk about school, his friends and his feelings? Some kids are talkative and some are not ... it might help if you can spend time and 'hang out' together and see if he might open up to you about what is going on in his world. Funny as it sounds, taking a ride in the car, at night is often a good environment for kids to open up - you are going in the same direction (literally!), and the dark makes it easier for some kids to talk about how they are feeling. Kids misbehave for four reasons: they want attention (even negative attention); they want power; they want retribution; or they have given up ... do any of these 'reasons' hit home with you? We can explore this further if you'd like ... so do keep in touch. NancyNic

Zach is very verbal and we talk about alot.. He is very open and honest. He was Dx in 2nd grade with mild ADD, but Specialist said that he was typical hyper boy and took him off meds and he has done good until past 1 1/2 yrs. Things are good at home except his sarcastic attitude when things don't go like he wants basically. He got into trouble today on the bus-kids and himself were throwing wads of paper, but they all told on him and now he got suspended from the bus for 3 days. He odesn't like to be picked on by other students or made fun of. He has red hair! He can't sit still at times and then other times he can. He is smart, but listening and retaining seems difficult. He can't remember what was told to him 15-20 minutes later. Input please.... Karen

Hi all, I totally agree with nancynic: Is your son verbal? Does he talk about school,his friends and his feelings? Some kids are talkative and some are not ... it might help if you can spend time and 'hang out' together and see if he might open up to you about what is going on in his world. Funny as it sounds, taking a ride in the car, at night is often a good environment for kids to open up - you are going in the same direction (literally!), and the dark makes it easier for some kids to talk about how they are feeling. My children are all grown now and I am raising a grandson 2 years old. I think a lot of our problems as well as solutions were discussed at the breakfast and dinner table. In todays fast paced world I think this is a place all parents should strive to get back to. It was like when we were at the table we were united and we were strong and we could face whatever. If you're not doing it now try it for a few weeks and watch how much easier it becomes to be a part of their world. I still think had they came wth directions I would have did what the fishes do! LOL

Hi ~ I'm responding to your reference to Zach's difficulty with listening and retaining ... and wondering if you have spoken with the Guidance Counselor at school ... might there be a learning disability that could be checked out? Imagine how difficult it is not to remember things and how that would affect behavior. NancyNic

Castiron64 said: "He did so great in homeschool and at home." Karen, I think that statement contains your answer. I work for a homeschool curriculum company and the hundreds of reports by parents of their children improving in attitude, character, academics and more once they are homeschooled are phenominal and widespread. Many, many parents have written to tell us of the transformations in their children after pulling them out of public schools and homeschooling them. No one loves or knows your child better than you do. No teacher can live up to your potential of teaching and interacting with your son. How could they? There are programs you can get him in such a distance learning (over the computer, or bookwork by mail) if you feel you cannot do all of the grading and overseeing of his schoolwork yourself. There are wonderful computer-based curriculums (CD-Roms) that the child needs very little teaching help with. All done right in your home. And you choose the times - if you need to school at night, or on weekends, OK. If you need to take a week off, do it. There is so much less pressure and so much more focus on your child's individual strengths and acomplishments. You can tailor his studies to be about things he is truly excited and interested in, instead of the "One curriculum for all 30 kids in the class" method. You only have once chance to raise this boy, and my advice would be to keep him close to you (in your home), educate him yourself in all areas, especially in subjects he is interested in ("Unit studies" are great - where you/he choose a topic and then you incorporate every subject you can into it. Example: He likes space. You can do art: paper mache planets, Math: how far is the distance from earth to Pluto, what is the curcumfrence of the moon, etc., Language Arts: spelling words and an essay on what he has learned, Science: How does rain happen, how hot is the sun...there are so many ways to study any one subject. He will be drawn to be more involved and feel completely loved and respected and start to thrive and act better as his confidence builds...and it will build because he will be getting better grades. I know from first-hand experience. My nephew is 10, last year got all Ds and Fs, kicked off the bus several times, complete smart-aleck (I dreaded being around him). His mom started homeschooling only 6 months ago and the change in this boy is amazing. Getting As and Bs and so much more pleasant to be around. His mom has taught him that she is in charge of his whole little world, when he realized they would be spending lots of time together on subjects he is interested in, it really made a difference. Make sure you check with HSLDA.com for the laws and requirements for homeschooling in your state, if you haven't already done this. God Bless, Amber :flower: PS I just realized that the post I am replying to is a few years old. DUH! (see, I was public-school educated - haha!). I am leaving it up because it may help someone else. :thankyou:

Wow this is an old thread. I am curious as to what happened in this situation. Update please? :)

I have been reading all the posts about temperament with great interest, because this is both a professional and personal interest of mine, and I may be able to offer some help for parents of children 4 years and up. I was a psychology professor at Cal Poly Pomona for many years and while there I developed my own scales for measuring children from 4 to 12 years, and for measuring adult temperament. This differs from the Thomas and Chess measures you were discussing, and instead is very similar to the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI). It is not useful for infants and toddlers (obviously with the age range), but very useful after age four. The nice thing about this for parents seeking to adopt or having adopted, is that these scales are entirely free of charge and available online at [url=http://www.parentingbytemperament.com]Parenting by Temperament: Strengthening bonds of love and understanding[/url] You just need to go to the website and look at the top menu for "About our Sorters". We also supply substantial printable feedback to each user, and the website itself is designed to introduce the temperament concepts. We did a very thorough job on this at the University, extending over several years, and I am confident that parents will receive valid and useful information. Why is it all free? Well, we have a book about it all that we would love to sell, but that is entirely separate from taking the tests. I hope some members would enjoy doing this, and would love to hear from them.