Any advice, please....

There is a legal experts board on this web site, so try them. Go to the "home" page and look under the forums list. I can't remember what it is called exactly, but it's there. :) Any other response you get probably won't give you the exact info you need, so go there and ask them about specific wording.

There are only a very few states where open adoption agreements are legally binding - I believe Washington State and maybe Oregon. This is a quickly changing area. I would speak with your attorney on this immediately. If you don't have an attorney yet, find one who specializes in adoption. The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys has a member listing online at [url]www.adoptionattorneys.com.[/url] If this young couple havn't spoken with an attorney themselves, I'd highly recommend you get them one so they clearly and undeniably understands their rights, roles and responsibility now. I realize this is terrifying, there is a trust element in open adoption that is not always present which makes it even more challenging. These young people are probably terrified that once they sign consent to terminate rights, they will never see this child again. It does unfortunately happen. It's very hard to go 'on faith' that what you say you'll do, you will do. As for yourselves, my thoughts are to be very consistent and do exactly what you say you will - follow through on everything NOW. If you say you'll call at 8, call at 8. If you can't follow through on something tell them exactly why. This is also very important in building trust relationships. Best of luck, my prayers are with you. Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Thank you Barki and Regina for your replies. Yes, I do have an attorney and I have contacted him in regards to the Petition and the desires of what we want in the Petition. He took it before the judge and it was denied. They are saying that it would be a conflict of interest to have such vocabulary in the Petition for the Adoption. I am trying to see if there is any other way that this can be included without it being a "Conflict of Interest" in the courts eyes. Thank you both for taking the time to read my entry and responding. I know it is a tough question and not something so easily answered. I guess I was really hoping for a miracle that someone would read this that went through something similar. I just can't believe that everyone is in agreement with what we all want and because of the "vocabulary" in a petition, I may not get my baby. This adoption may come to a blithering halt because we can't, by law, PUT IT IN WRITING. I am so frustrated. I apologize for the meltdown. Thank you again, both of you, for being kind and trying to be helpful. I will take your advice, Barki, and I am going to try to e-mail the legal panel on this site.

...some of which might be hard to hear, which i apologize for in advance. Since you are new to the process, there are some mindset issues you need to clarify. 1st: unfortunately, it's not your baby yet, it's hers. I say this not to discourage you, but rather to focus you mind on the issues at hand. The expectant mother has to come to a place where she can freely and in an empowered way make a placement decision. You can do your best to support her in that journey. It's important to relize this because it's very easy to get stuck in a "negotiation" mindset, where you feel if "the deal" can just be made then you will be parents. This is a trap, and it often lead to disappointment. You could very well negotiate until you are blue in the face, reach an agreement, and still have this woman change her mind. She needs to come to an emotional decision, not a legal one. that's the one thing she will act on. 2nd: I think an experienced adoption attorney would tell you that her fixation on contracted visitation is a red flag. She seems emotionally unready to place the child, and is looking for some way of hedging the decision. Is she getting pre-adotpion counseling? If not, she should. It may help her work through some of the conflicted feeling she is clearly experiencing. Does she have strong family support for her decision, no mater what it is? Extremely important, especially with young women. Statistically, women this age overwhelmingly choose to parent their children, often with the last minute support of their parents. I'm not suggesting that this is your case, I'm just opening you up to the trend. 3rd: is the lawyer you are seeing an experienced adoption attorney? If not, get one. Experience is key to navigating these emotional waters. In general, no amount of lagel maneuvering is as strong as the emotional pull of a newborn baby. If your expectant parent is not emotionally committed to the process before the child is born, you could be putting yourself in a potentially disappointing position. As hard as it may be to hear, this is her journey to make, not yours. You need to do what you can to facilitate that, to offer her whatever solution she seeks, and the support to choose. Ideally, it becomes a loving, supportive journey for all involved. Get the support you all need to move through the next phase, but don't let the discussion get too wrapped up in legal wrangling, or you may find yourself holding nothing in your arms at the end but a piece of legal paper. With your hearts in the right place, however, maybe you'll have a child instead. Best of luck to you. I await a joyous conclusion.

Nelson, Thank you for your advice. You are correct..this is still her baby. But emotionally, I am already attached to this baby as if it were mine. This is why I say 'My Baby'.... That, and I am just trying to stay possitive. However, I am not so oblivious to the fact of what could still happen. I understand the possibilities. You presumption of the Red Flag with my attorney is right on the money! He did not at all agree with that, it was only after my persistence did he take the newly 'revised' Petition before the judge (only to be denied). You are also correct that it seems like we are falling into Negotiation with bm. Her family supports her decision to place the baby in adoption, but I think she is so worried about what other people will think of her. We speak to one another very frankly and openly. She has mentioned that "there are good ways to look at what she is doing and there are bad ways to look at it". Sometimes I think what she means is that she feels if she does not persue visitations, then she is a bad person. But then she says that the way she looks at it is that we all got together before she ever got pregnant and planned this whole thing and she is carrying this baby for me and my husband. Anyway, I think we are drawing to a very close conclusion...we are all meeting with the attorney on Monday to discuss the "can do / can not do" Petition. (legal wrangling) So, you're right once again and if she is not emotionally committed in doing this, I'm afraid this will bring us to an empasse. I HOPE NOT! Thank you for your kind concern. I was not at all offended, no apology necessary.

the "what will people think of me" issue is a real and common one. Perhaps she would like to speak to another woman who sucessfully placed her child (A BM). sometimes, peer couseling can be very helpful to a young womanwho is only receiving advice from adults. it will allow her to speak to someone in her shoes. I can recommend a couple who would gladly help out, if you think that of benefit. email me directly (through the boards) and send me your email address if you want referrals. And don't push past red flags. they are to be respected and dealt with. they are red because time and time again, these situations lead to trouble for those involved. On the other hand, the "carrying the baby for others" statement is very encouraging. Our son's BM said almost the same thing to us, though she was a bit older. Clearly, this girls heart is in the right place, she just needs the right counseling, and the right voices, to address her very understandable and natural fears. all the best.