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My brother was adopted at age 2 1/2 and to put it bluntly caused all sorts of grief and hell for my family; however, my parents felt that they could provide a good family for him and because they were his parents, they chose not to disrupt the adoption although they did find there was a legal issue that could have allowed them to challenge the validity of the adoption--I believe the state of Florida actually rushed and finalized it early, but don't think this matters now since he is 30 this year.
Over the last several years, the relationship between my brother and the family has deterriorated even though the family has given him one last chance to straighten up. It has finally come down to the point that he will not change and he is dangerous. We do not approve of his lifestyle of drug dealing, being in and out of jail, abusive phone calls to my parents, etc. He has two children with two different women both of whom he is not married to and while that may not be insignificant in today's society, it is against what we believe and how we were brought up. My sister and her husband have a new baby and do not want her around that. My brother has recently gone to my brother-in-law's parent's to cause trouble by telling them that my sister's child is not actually her husband's--which is not true and got him thrown off their property. In addition, he is spreading rumours in the small town where my parents teach that they owe large sums of money to people. Obviously, some people know my parents and know what kind of person my brother is; however, some people will also believe anything and this is simply the problem, and he is judgement proof so a civil suit is useless, although we have had an attorney send him a letter advising him to stop the slander. Basically, this is the last straw. This whole mess came about because we all tried to help him. My brother-in-law got him a job and my parents allowed him to rent a house at a very low rent until he got on his feet. The rent would then go up. He agreed on this and they had it in writing, but once he started making money, he got greedy, fell into the wrong crowd, began dealing drugs and refused to pay rent. My parents are in the process of evicting him as he has also torn the house apart.
At this point, we have all decided as a family that we have finally had enough and want nothing further to do with him. Any help would be appreciated in understanding what it will take to "un adopt" an adult child. Although he has been written out of my parents wills, they want to make sure he can have no legal claims to anything and we want him to be legally out of the family. The amount of sorrow and heartache he has caused needs to stop now. My parents deserve peace.
Thank you.
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Fiona,
I'm curious as to what you think would happen to your brother if your family DID manage to "un-adopt" him. Would he be issued yet another amended birth certificate, one that stated, "Mother: None. Father: None," in order to reflect his new, "unadopted" status? Or do you think his original birth certificate and identity would be returned to him?
Just curious. ~ Sharon
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Actually, I cannot get the edit to work, and I do understand what you are saying. The main thing is that we want him out of all of our lives and the fact that he has always thrown about the fact that we aren't his real family just makes it uglier.
Anyhow, I think my husband came up with a solution when he spoke with a collegue who specializes in family court work. They are going the route of notifying him that the family wants nothing more to do with him or his children, that he has no legal standing (wills, etc.), will not be part of family functions, and he is not to contact any of us or come on any of our property. They'll follow up with appropriate restraining orders etc. as needed and pray that he moves.
My two cents~
Your brothers actions are oviously indictive of the family he was brought up in. Adoption is not about creating the "perfect" child, it is about creating a family, we all have our share of bad apples in our trees. I feel sad when reading your words. Your brother oviously has issues...who doesnt. If you and your family do not feel safe then lawfully do something, but please remember this is your brother you are discussing. How absolutely ludicrious that just because he is not perfection that he is to be deleted out of the only family he knows with no thought or consideration for him.
I hope that you do find a solution for you and your family to ease some of the pain that your brother has obviously caused for you. My only question is that in a previous post you said that your family would like to disown not only him, but also his children. I am confused as to what they have done to deserve to be disowned. I know that without contact with your brother, it may be difficult to continue a regular relationship with them. Nevertheless, they are only children and do not have anything to do with their fathers or mothers decisions. They, most likely, will already be fatherless. If your family disowns them they will never know anyone from their paternal side and they will miss out on a grandfather, an aunt, a grandmother, etc... I know that your family is angry at your brothers life decisions, and of course they would not have been your own. I still think that these children should be given the benefit of the doubt and loved just as any other child in your family. Even if you don't see them at every holiday or birthday, the benefit of that relationship would help tremendously with their upbringing and wellbeing. Furthermore, I believe that it may help your own family to mend, knowing that the adoption of your brother was not in vain--because of the wonderful children that he helped to create and that your family can be there to provide love and stability to, regardless of their father. Just a thought. May God bless you and your family and your brother.
Hi Fiona
It is terribly sad that your brother has been so troubled in his short life. He clearly has been having problems since he was 2 and a half years old. He is quite possibly ill in some way or to some degree. I do hope your parents did their utmost to get him professional help/any kind of help through out his life as was, at the least, their duty.
Your parents went ahead with the the adoption with this knowledge and were responsible to a point for 'who he became' as an adult. In that he became their child for better or worse.
Clearly they were doing him no favors by going ahead with the adoption if this is the way it has all turned out. Perhaps he would have benefited by going to another family better equipped to deal with his situation.
I agree it is upsetting for your parents and the family to have to live with what he does and if they have to cut themselves off from him then so be it. This situation arises in many bio families also but no one can unadopt their bio children!
This just goes to show that there is indeed a type of prejudice in some adoptive families in attitude towards their adoptive children deep down under the skin.
You did not say if you were a bio child or also adopted Fiona, but take into consideration how you would feel if you had a problematic childhood, quite possibly not 100% balanced socially or psychologically, living in a confusion of right and wrong and ended up on the wrong path - then your parents decided to take legal action to ensure that they officially dumped you, and made it clear they wished you had never been born to them either legally or naturally? Then to cap it all want to publicly stand up and announce to the world that this so called adopted child is no longer their child.
Like any parents - they do not need to unadopt him, they can just wash their hands of him and have restraining orders in place. move to a new address, change the telephone number and unlist it etc...the possibilities are endless.
In the end ... he will be alone with no family in reality or legally, if he sees the error of his ways one day and turns over a new leaf it will be no thanks to his beloved FORMER Adoptive family.
(I may add is a birth mothers worst nightmare, that our children are given to such seemingly ill equipped and inapproriate people who would actually go to the lengths to UNADOPT someone and want to announce it in public).
Very dissapointing !
Pandora
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While this is my last post, I will say this is the most judgemental group of people I have ever been witness to. You have a mere snippit of a situation and you condemn because of your position.
I'm sure my parents are your worst nightmare, but so be it. We are very relieved with our choice because it has been a long time coming and my neice deserves to grow up without Joe being in her life, and my parents also deserve to have some peace in their old age as they contemplate retirement for the second time. The bottom line here is that none of you lived this, and while I understand more of the implications of what I was asking and researching--and while I could honestly care less at this point about who the devil is on his birth certificate and about his identity--I do understand that these isssues are near and dear to people who are involved actively in adoptive rights and issues. That being said, you overall, are a very holier than thou group of people. Yes, adoptees should have a strong rights base, and while I know I am not garunteed the fact that a biological child of my own would turn out any differently, my husband and I choose to remain childless due to infertility issues rather than adopt because of Joe and the trauma he caused. Were my parents perfect? Of course not, but they do not deserve to be villified by the likes of you simply because Joe was the victim because he was adopted--that is not the case.
My parents knew their duty by law and as defined by parents in the church, and novel concept carried it out, thanks for asking. In fact, Joe never lacked for a thing, so the hint of him being treated differently because he was adopted can just end here because he wasn't. We didn't dress him in rags, make him sit at a different table etc. My parents did, however, make him behave in school and didn't let him hang out with the wrong crowd--ie drug users--and they did hold him accountable for him getting in trouble at which time because neither I nor my sister actually went and did things like that (not saying we did not get into trouble, but drugs, drinking, et al were not part of what we did) he threw the fact that we were not his real family in our faces since the time he was 13 and in quite a rageful way. Yeah, and there was the whole setting our house on fire, but again, nothing that really checked out psychologically and he got to come back home. That was because he didn't get to get his driver's liscence which is not promised to a child by law. He was told that he could get it if he would stay clean for the school year and keep his grades a "C"--yeah, I guess my parents did show favoritism, because my sister and I had to have A/Bs--and the last 3 weeks he chose to sneek out of school and drink, but it wasn't his fault. Bottom line, biological or adopted, Joe is not a stellar person, makes bad choices, and it is never his fault. Yes, as a matter of fact they have taken him to specialist after specialist who can and do find nothing of significance wrong. He was on different medications as a child; however, will not take any as an adult and does illegal drugs which can make a not nice person even uglier.
As to not having anything to do with his children, while it is our choice, thank you very much, it is not as simple as influencing the life of a nice little child. Basically, and this will come off a horribly judgemental, but I figure this group finds me horribly offensive anyhow, so whatever, his woman who will not marry him so she can continue to receive social security and not work for herself and she is nothing but trash whom we all have nothing in common with. She is a liar and I believe a thief. The last time they were at my home, things dissapeared. While I cannot prove it, they are not welcome anymore. When they were asked to leave my parents rental home for not paying rent, she was horribly ugly cursing and yelling at my parents and basically there is no hope for this child to grow up to be any other way. The mother has her family and if Joe follows the path he usually does, they will not be together within a year, so truth being told, I doubt we would see the child anyway. The family has only seen his first child once, and the maternal grandmother got some sort of agreement to have custody, so neither parent sees the child.
While yes, I agree with Pandora that Joe was perhaps better placed with someone else; however, as she did not grow up with him, I do not think she is qualified to state the lengths my parents went to to get him help and understanding because there was not a stone they left unturned to try and help him both become happy and healthy. And as to being basic screw ups as parents, I'd be happy to forward your address to Joe and maybe you could help him out since you seem to have the answers my parents didn't. It is pretty easy to critisize from the sidelines--especially when you aren't there. Pardon me, but who the hell are you and what the hell do you know about my parents, their parenting style, and qualifications as parents. As a matter of fact, my family moved out of the city because Joe had such bad Asthma and my mother grew an all organic garden plus baked special foods because of his food allergies, so give me a break he was not in a turret somewhere, nor did we have a scarlet A across all his clothing. Yes, this could have happened to a biological child and if it had the parents would be within their rights to disown that child. People are responsible for their actions, and at this point in time my parents and my family have gone as far as we will go. Yes, if that makes us horrible in your eyes, so be it, but there are no other options because I don't know that my father's health is worth my brother's happiness. He is responsible for the choices he makes, but he also expects my parents to bail him out. When they do not he becomes beligerent and has put them in danger and it is going to stop. Maybe they are at fault, maybe we all are, but he is not blameless in this either. And yes, if he does get himself straightened out, it will be because he does it himself and we all hope he does, for his sake.
I realize you won't read this, but by the time I pulled my thoughts together enough to write this, you had already posted....
I can see from your post that your brother is not the type of person you would want to associate with, have your niece arouns, etc. My sister is similar. I think the issue here is that, as you said, adoptee rights and identity are important to adoptees..and you came here to ask how to take away the identity he has. Bioloigcal, adopted or beamed here from another planet, he is still your brother, your parents son, and you were probably most correct when you said to go through family court and remove him from wills and place restraining orders if necessary was the way to go. That is something that, while regretable, is understandable. "Unadoption" brings the connotation that you are trying to erase the entire time you grew up with him, etc...and that is abhorable to people directly involved in adoption. Adoption is for better or worse. Most bparents would die to know that their child didn't turn out well (and it does happen, due to circumstances beyond control) and was then also disowned/barred etc from the family that adopted them. It's sorry that things did not work our well regarding your family and this adoption. But while you feel everyone here is so biased and whatever else, think abotu where you came to to advice and input. You wouldn't go to a board of parents dealing with disabled children and ask them how you could place your disabled child in a group home and move on with your life, right?
As for your brother's children...just because their parents are jerks doesn't necessarily mean they will be. Your parents, I'm sure, we good parents, and your brother turned out the opposite.
Ress
Fiona
Good! be happy your choice but how disgusting that you even could be!
(A child who has behaved in the way your brother behaved obviously has/had deep seated problems about being adopted.
OBVIOUSLY he was not helped at all where it was needed.)
My dissapointment re your post was the fact that your family wants to UNADOPT him and cry it from the roof tops! That is a deliberate, vindictive act which is just not necessary on your family's part and will not change anything fundemantally even if it were possible. He may be trouble but you are deliberately kicking him when he is already down. There are other ways of dealing with this.
I am not trying to take anything away from your family's suffering over this situation at all. You and your siblngs never chose to have an adopted brother or this trouble, but your parents took him on and are responsible and he 'is' your brother albiet legally.
I am not convinced that you would feel the same about his children or him if he were your bio brother.
I do hope he changes his life some day for his own sake also, he deserves better than he has had also and better than he probably thinks of himself.
I wonder what future bmothers yet to adopt reading these boards will think about placing their children in light of this subject. It would put me off big time.
Oh and "who the hell am I?!" - I will tell you, I am a person replying to your post with my opinion.
Pandora
fionaj,I am with you 100%. I am in a similar situation. I too wish to un-adopt my brother. He and his birth family, and his children have caused my family way to much grief. The disowning stuff is not good enough for me. I will find a way to legally have him and his disconnected for my family and I hope you are able to do the same.
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This is all very sad. Your brother's situation screams attachment disorder to me. Sadly, qualified attachment therapists are hard to come by now, in 2005, so I'm fairly sure that the specialists your parents took your brother to were not truly qualified to deal with his issues. What a world of suffering comes from not getting the appropriate services to a child! I am not condemning your parents, by the way. There are many people who are not aware of these issues now, and it was undoubtedly rare that people were aware of these issues 20 years ago.
Please do not be surprised that forums dedicated to adoption would be used by those who are most closely connected to adoption. We in the adoption community are extremely offended by the notion that our families created by adoption aren't "real" families, and that if our adopted children don't "work out" we can and should just "send them back." In our view, our children are our children--not our adopted children, not provisionally ours so long as they behave up to our standards or community standards, not second best children. They are our children by law, but more importantly, by love. Period.
I will also suggest that whatever legal or quasi-legal solution your family comes to, I do not think for a moment that it will resolve the rancor and animosity you feel toward your brother, your parents' son. I am a lawyer, I can tell you that the law does not give people personal satisfaction in that way. For that, people must turn to therapy to work on their own issues, and to their faith.
It is very sad to read the pain you feel in your posts. I am sorry your family is experiencing this kind of distress. I think prayer, meditation, and, if not compassion, at least resignation, will bring you greater peace. You cannot erase one another from your lives or your hearts. Like it or not, you are a family.
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As a birthmom,I am disheartened and terribly sad to read this. When I first saw the title I thought, "Huh how on earth can one "unadopt" an adult and why bother with an adult?
I have two bio brothers who are really screwed up too. Let's just say with them the "apple didn't fall far from the tree" as both my bio dad and mom are really screwed up too. I just choose to have very little to do with them. I cannot make them not my family. Gosh how I wish I could sometimes but I can't. My mom and brothers are so screwed up that they are one of the main reasons I chose adoption for my baby as I wanted my baby to be loved by his extended family and it is evident that they don't love me or my elder child and it would have been no different with my new baby. So I see them when I feel I absolutely must. That is all, nothing more. Even that is usually hell for me. There is no legal way to get rid of them and it shouldn't be any different with an adult adoptee.
Shell