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hi all!
dh and i are grateful aps in nj, and we are looking for an open adoption to complete our family. sadly, our son's b'm does not want openness at this time, although we have been able to send her pix and letters through a 3rd party. i so want her to understand how much we love her, and want her (and the b'f) to be a part of our extended family.
so my first question is this...i would appreciate any feedback from birthmoms/birthfathers that would help me help our b'm KNOW that (s)he is welcome with open arms ( as i understand it, they are still a couple).
secondly, i have been reading through these posts for a few months, to make sure that ii have the right idea about how b'ms feel about aps - and i know that the opinions are varied. don't get me wrong - i absolutely do not even pretend to understand the pain that comes with such a sacrifice for your child.
but what i need some help with is this; we absolutely are committed to a completely open adoption for our son (J), and any other child we would be blessed to adopt. i've seen so many posts from b'ms that say something like "we started off with an open adoption, but the aps didn't follow through..."
how can i help communicate/what would make b'ms fee comfortable that we not only would honor, but celebrate a completely open adoption? it's so hard, often there is little time to get to know one another, so i need some help getting that idea across strongly without "overpushing the point" (meaning, i respect the fact that some b'ms don't want as much openness, or are wary of this). i'm so afraid that b'ms will perceive this as "saying what they want to hear", rather than knowing it is coming from our hearts.
sorry for the length of the message...i'm not so good with writing...but i really do welcome any feedback..
thanks so much
blessings
chris :0)
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Hi I am a birthmother.
It is wonderful to hear how much you care about your son's birthmother. You sound like a really caring and sweet person. She is lucky to have found you.
Have you told her what you just posted before? All that you wrote sounded perfect to express to her how you feel and to let her know you care. I would suggest just telling her all that you posted. Tell her that you are not just saying it you really mean it.
I can't really relate well to how your son's birthmother feels about wanting a semi-open adoption. I wanted a fully open adoption. I don't know how I would of been able to get through the pain if I wasnt able to see my bson happy and healthy with his parents. The only time I didn't want to visit was the first two weeks. I needed time to heal without reopening wounds and I wanted to give his parents time to bond with him without me interupting. The first visit was the hardest and I new it would be. I needed time to prepare myself. Maybe she needs more time to heal before she has more contact. I would suggest telling her how much openness you are willing to give and then tell her whenever she wants the adoption can become more open.
-Ginny
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I am so glad to hear you are open to involving the b-mom. I am a b-mom and the parents who have my children, now 13 and 15, have been very open with the kids but promised at least 2 letters a year and I've only gotten about six total. I would say this- when you start getting caught up in the day to day life of your child remember what you commited to- pictures, contact whatever it is you promised and make sure and follow through. If your tired and overwhelmed make a quick call to the birthmother and tell her whats going on. Let her know thatyou know there will be busy times in your life but will always include her as part of that busy life. I cannot stress the pain I have when I don't know how my children are. They called me the other day w/o the parents knowledge and although I know the adoptive parents need to know I really crave that contact and feel so good that I know they are ok and am so scared to let them know because I may not hear about them again for several years. Keep your promises and keep the communication open- it will be better for both parties and the child.