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my husband just recently received a letter from a very nice young lady 20 years old. She stated that she was adopted by her birth mother's sister and after all these years they told her that she was adopted. After much debate the birth mother revealed that her father was a man she dated very briefly (like a couple of dates), my husband. The woman never told my husband that she was pregnant he was 25 at the time and I think she was 21. I met my husband when he was 34. We have been married 13 years and have three boys. We are doing dna testing and haven't recevied the results. I hate to admit this but I am having alot of difficulty accepting this situation. My husband is stunned but much more forgiving. I just can't believe this woman would keep this from him all those years ago only to tell this without much consideration for his family. If anyone could offer any insight it would be really appreciated.
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Yep...it's shock allright!
But I like your style. I think you have a good head on your shoulders. But as hard as it's going to be to adapt, try and remember that being 20 is HARD no matter WHO your folks are!
While I believe that SHE should be the one with patience....the seeker should take the brunt of it...at 20 years old everything in the world is swirling around and it's a ME world for the most part. Try to take the high road if you can. You're the person with more life experience here. :)
You might be surprised how things develop. They may start a certain way and take a left turn.
I am an adoptee who searched and was refused because my mother's husband didn't want me involved with their lives and their other kids - my siblings. I am 48 and it was STILL hurts. can you imagine the intensity of the feelings and hormones of a 20 year old?
You are obviously an great wife and parent. Hang in there. I hope you get ALL of the perks!
Radiodoll
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Dempsey, I can understand your feelings.
My bfather did not know about me until he got the 'Call' some 40 years later from an intermediary.
Being twice the age of your hubby's adoptee, hopefully made me a little more patient, but the desire to know everything was probably just as intense. The waiting for the DNA results was excruciating, and yes, painful.
Your hubby and adoptee have submitted the kit? How much longer before the results are back? Does hubby have any plans to meet the young lady before the test comes back, or is that what he's waiting for? You mentioned that it would be preferable to you that he build a relationship with her alone before your children are told.
I admire you for trying to work through your feelings with people that might understand. I wish that my bfather's wife had done that. Like Seeking Answers, my relationship with the wife, is, um, rather unfortunate. Hopefully, yours can be a healthy relationship!
dnvr
I'm sorry if i sounded harsh. I did not mean to "get onto" you.
If your husbands daughter is anything like me she will not be wanting anything only a certain amount of acceptance and answers to questions which probably have been rolling over and over in her head for the last decade. She will not want to replace her father but she may just want to know her roots. To be able to say to herself "I have seen my birthfather - i now know who he is and what he looks like. What his name is. What his lifes like" etc. YOU also come as part of that package. Before i contacted my Birthfather i contacted his sister first. I knew he was married. I knew his wife was now part of the deal. I knew she would be his number one priority and i could not take from their time or desrupt their lives. The day i met him i met her afterwards. She would not shake my hand. She would not say hello. I was someone to her that had ulterior motives. Who was going to take her husbands time away from her. She did not know me and it could not have been further from the truth. I would have liked nothing more than be able to have a friendship with her. I only wanted a friendship with my birthfather also, nothing more! Friendship was the most i could offer. Respect. He got respect, she got respect, i got respect from him and i got torment from her. I kept trying for the first 3 months. Trying to get her involved but because of her stubbornness my birthfather pushed her further out of it. Wouldn't let her come when we met. Wouldn't tell her what was going on or anything to do with the contact he had with me. He pushed her out so much that i felt sorry for her and knew it was going to cause more problems. They were arguing and the marriage was getting disrupted. I felt terrible. I never wanted that. I never expected that. I never did ANYTHING to make their home life unstable. I would have liked nothing more than to be able to go see my birthfather and his wife and then leave the birthfather behind so me and his wife could go off shopping or something. I tried with her until i knew i was wasting my time and she was always going to see me as something i wasn't. In return i got distant with my birthfather because i felt like i was ruining his life and marriage. And that resulted in him pulling back from me and the relationship not really working too well. Now i don't hear much from him only a few phone calls now and again with him crying and saying how much he misses me. Wishes i was with him. Sorry for the past. That i'm the most important person to him. Etc. But i won't mess up his marriage and make his wife feel uncomfortable. It is her home and i will not intrude. It is just a pity that here i am, early 20's, questions some what answered but stuck with the Why's and What Ifs. Knowing now that the relationship i will ever have with my birthfather will probably be not very meaningful and will most likely fizzle out. I gave it my best shot. I got hurt a lot but i expected that and i hurt a lot of people along the way including my family. I wish it hadn't of been like that. I did phone his wife and try talk to her about everyday things but nothing seems to work. If i try and involve her she didn't like it, when she was left uninvolved and it just between me and my BF she felt left out and pushed to the side. No win situation. Whatever happens for you the best of luck to you. I do hope it works out favourably for everyone. Please just remember at your hubbys daughters age it's easy to get excited and for the first few months it consumes your whole life. You are on cloud nine just knowing your BF. Any little sign of rejection from any part of the birthfamily is taken to heart. Good luck to you. Although i do not walk in your shoes i have read about and thought about what it is like for the spouse. I know it can't be easy but bear in mind it is NOT easy on ANYONE! It is also not easy to grow up not knowing your BF or BMom and when you find that person you want to know everything as soon as you can. I think it might be called impatience ;)
I hate hearing of your situation. Have you made your feelings clear with your B.Father? So much searching and pain down the drain for this. One bad apple can ruin everything, I wonder what she thought you wanted? I really hate to see you lose what you worked so hard to get. Maybe someone here can think of a way around this that would work for all involved. I care.
Thanks Nellie.
Yes i've spoken to him. She said that she thought i was trying to get him and my mother back together. That i was there to get money ( i have never, and would never take a penny from anyone including my family). That it was some sort of conspiracy. I really don't understand why. Maybe it's her insecurity and i was prepared to just let it go and keep trying but it was pointless. It was causing more hurt and insecurity for me, my BF, and her and my family.
I am satisfied now. I';m quiet content. I have cried enough over it and i have no more tears left. I am happy that i have tried and i am over the moon that i have some answers and a face for a name. It was all i wanted when i started searching/reunion so i can't be unhappy with what i've got. I am prepared to let it lie now. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to cause insecurity with others as i deal with insecurity myself and find it hard. I didn't want to hurt anyone or anyone's relationships so i think it might be best if i let things be. I will be here for a CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME if he decides he wants to try and make communication more frequent or if his wife comes around. I will NOT be open to communication for ever. I will wait so long but then i will have to either move forward or close the chapter completely. I can't keep wondering things. I want to move on. I live a very happy life and i am so blessed with life and my wonderful family that i am thankful for what i have right now. Not what "i could have had" I hold no anger anymore, somehow that all left me after all this. Thankfully. I don't hate his wife, i was disappointed but i can understand why she might feel a little threatened. I wish i had been able to convince her i would have liked known her and would have liked to know she supported her husband in things that he did/wanted to do.
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Dearest S A,
You are not responsible for how your bfather's wife feels. Yes, she is entitled to her feelings, but they are not your responsibility. And...as many wise people have told me, her insecurities were most likely there LONG before you came into the picture.
I know how you feel, and there have been many times I've wanted to just give up and be done with this thing called reunion. I can't though, and neither can he, and thankfully she does realize that - even though she may not like it.
If you and your bfather wish for a relationship, it can happen. It sounds as if he cares about you, and you care about him. Yes, it would be nice if she could support that, but sometimes people just can't get past their fears, even if they are totally irrational!
I know you are right.
I guess i've got to the point where i've felt like i've hit a brick wall and instead of doing the running i'm leaving what happens happen. I was the one to make contact so he knows i want contact. Now i want the luxury of knowing if he wants contact or if it's a false sense of obligation. Ya know? He may have stuff going on in his life, i.e the wife, that needs to be sorted first and foremost. Maybe in time. But either way i am happy with what i have got out of the "reunion". Sometimes i think... I've lived without him all my life, i can live without him for the rest of my life. I think his wife feels the same as my mom. Both feel their time with me and the BF are going to be taken from. My mom thought i was going to go live with him, or was afraid i was. Silly thinking really as that would never happen but people think strange. I think strange so have to let others think certain things too even if it's about me and my so called motives
I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you also. Shame how some things work out. None of us getting any younger, enough time has been wasted. Its a shame things can't just work out favourably for certain reasons.
We have met with her twice. The first time very brief and the second time "we" talked for a long while. Everytime we leave her I feel better about the situation. It is not her fault. She is very independent. She has had to be. I certainly wouldn't want my feelings to hinder anything that needs to happen between my husband and her. If by some way a child would turn up that I didn't know about - I would want a relationship. I have to give him the same. And like I said when I am with her I feel ok with it. She is nice, easy to chat with. Of course, when I return home -I think what just happened! We haven't gotten results back yet but I certainly am not feeling as much shock as I was. It is a very unique and shocking tale but not one that is insurmountable. When I read about all the "meanies" on the board that wouldn't meet with their birth child or wives that interfered with the process -I think ugh- that's horrible. I know that is wrong and I feel for those who have had to suffer through that. I will not do that. When we know the results we will move forward.
Seeking Answers- does your birth father have children and have you met them? It is about trust and communication. And I guess your birth father and wife struggle with both. Feelings are funny that way. Once you talk about them openly it kinda takes the bite out of them. Maybe, one day your birth father's wife will open up to what is really bothering her about the situation. Your birth father should be available to you. Learning something everyday and trying to deal with it is never easy. I am trying to learn from my own father who was such a compassionate and generous spirit . He passed away a year ago but I know what his advice would be.
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Dempsey --
Hard to believe you went through all that and it turns out your husband is not the girl's father. I feel worst for her because reunion is such a roller coaster without such mistakes. But I feel badly for your husband too, as he seemed willing to take on a relationship with her.
For you, I think this experience has probably shown you that you can and will tackle any issues in your marriage, no matter how difficult. I hope your husband has seen that you will stand by and support him no matter what. And, I'm glad for your sons that you didn't tell them this news prematurely. It surely would have been tumultuous for them to deal with.
Good luck in the future!
Hi
I'm a reunited adoptee and my reunion is with my bsiblings. My bmom passed away before I found her.
I believe just as every situation is different, every reunion will be different too. The amount of contact with one another will evolve into what is most comfortable for all involved. I know that during my search being a part of my birth family was and is very important to me. I wanted to feel wanted and that I belong. Now 5 years later, our reunion has developed into a comfortable one. Feelings run very intense in the beginning so your husband may need time to deal with his emotions. I can only imagine what it must feel like to find that you have a child you never knew about. I agree that your boys need to know and will be able to deal with it. The longer the wait the more of a chance that trust will be breached.
You sound like a very wonderful, open minded person. And someone that is very interested in the welfare of your husband and children. Being a reunited adoptee I can relate to what your husband's daughter is going through and know that she wants nothing more than to be accepted.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Snuffie