Bonding with an older adopted child?

Originally Posted By JessJoyce,I am an older adoptee as well as an amom. You will be able to tell that my adoptive situation was awful. I was almost 9 when the adoption was finalized. I can tell you how I felt and the personal "do's" and "don'ts". I emphasize personnal, because not all adoptees will feel the same way. Hope it helps...Don't deny the child discussing their past. Do answer questions and encourage conversations about their past, present and future.Don't ever call your adopted child ungrateful.Do tell them that you love them no matter what.Don't tell a child that if they run away you'll tell everyone in the family they are dead.Do ask them how they feel and repect what they have to say.Don't read their diary and then use it against them.Do respect them and their privacy.(Even if you do read it, use the information positively)Don't tell them they know nothing about family.Do encourage self expression of family desires and needs.If people tell you your child looks like you, don't put a smurk on your face. Do say something like "I should be so lucky".Don't introduce your child as the "adopted one" at a family reunion.Do let them decide who they want to tell and when.Don't belittle your childs accomplishments.Do encourage every little step.Most importantly:Love your child unconditionally.An older child is already a person with their own personality, likes and dislikes. They have their own way of doing things and thinking. The two will merge over time, given a lot of latitude. Talk, talk talk without judgement, defensiveness or expectation. Empathy is what will work best. Yes a child of 10 needs parental guidance, but more than anything at this time, she needs confidence, security and the feeling of belonging. I am not a proffesssional of any sort, I can draw only on my experiance as an older adoptee. Keep her close before introducing her to too many people. Make it on her time, ask her when she thinks she is ready. I felt like I was put on display...Joyce I sincerely hope this helps!! The very best to you and your family!!! It can be a really great experiance for all of you.Jess

Originally Posted By Joyce (to Jess)Thank you Jess! It is very helpful, and I will put what you have said to use. My husband and I already discussed the introto the rest of the family and others. Wedecided upon exactly what you stated. Thanks for the confirmation. Being an adoptee yourself put a light on things that I needed to hear. I should tell you that we have not started the paperwork yet, onlybecause of timing. I'm gathering as muchexperiencal advice as I can ahead of time.I would like to have everything completedand have our new daughter in the home by Christmas, but it probably won't happen that way. If you should have any more advice you think I could use, my e-mail ad.is bearsden2@webtv.net. Thank you again. Joyce

Originally Posted By KalenJess, my heart goes out to you, I am so sorry your experience was not more positive. You were very generous with your advice. It sounds like you grew into a wonderful, considerate adult. bless you

Originally Posted By Jess (to Joyce & Kalen)Joyce and KalenLet me share this prayer I found many years ago. It is what I stive for. I am not an overly religious person, but it spoke to me. It is everything my amother was not, and everything I want to be to my children.A PARENTS PRAYEROh heavenly Father, make me a better parent. Help me to understand my children, to listen patiently to what they have to say and to answer all their questions kindly. Keep me from interupting them, talking back to them and contradicting them. Make me as courteous to them as I would have them to be to me. Give me the courage to confess my sins against my children and ask their foregiveness when I know that I have done wrong. May I not vainly hurt the feelings of my children. Forbid that I should laugh at their mistakes, or resort to shame and ridicule as punishment. Let me not tempt a child to lie or steal. So guide me hour by hour that I may demonstrate by all I say and do that honesty produces happiness.Reduce, I pray, the meaness in me. May I cease to nag, and when I am out of sorts, help me, Oh lord, to hold my tongue. Blind me to the little errors of my children and help me to see the good things that they do. Give me a ready word for honest praise. Help me to treat my children as those of their own age, but let me not exact of them the judgements and conventions of adults. Allow me not to rob them of the opportunity to wait upon themselves, to think, to choose and to make their own decisions.Forbid that I should ever punish them for my selfish satisfaction. May I grant them all their wishes that are reasonable and have the courage always to withhold a privilege which I know ill do them harm.Make me so fair and just, so considerate and companionable to my children that they will have genuine esteem for me. Fit me to be loved and imitated by my children. With all thy gifts, Oh God, do give me calmness and poise and self control.For me...that says it all

Originally Posted By Kalen (to Jess)Thank you for the poem, I printed it and your other suggestions and plan to share them too.

Originally Posted By NicksterMommyThat prayer was just beautiful. Thanks for sharing.