Older Child Adoptions..... Need advice (LONG)

My husband and I adopted our daughter when she was 8 (family adoption), she had the dianoses (sp) 1) ADD 2) ADHD 3) ODD. She is now 12 and a GREAT kid without Meds. In 2000, my husband was listed as our son's father (long story). We were given custody of him when he was 4 months old. We are now in the process of adopting a 12 yr old boy. I've known his bio-mom since we were both 14. His bio g-ma raised him from age 1 year to 6 years, she also raised his 2 brothers. At that time MY parents took in ALL 3 boys ages 4,6,and 8. My mom and dad split up 3 years ago and my mom continued to care for all 3 boys. In May of this year she returned all 3 boys to their bio-mom. (that's what they wanted) and mom could no longer handle their behavior. PLUS she had a NEW boyfriend that didn't like children. Bio-mom gave the youngest to his father after only having him for 2 months. In early Oct, she contacted us to see if we would adopt J. And we agreed. J was constantly in trouble at school, and at home. he has the dianoses (sp) of having 1)ADD 2)ADHD 3) ODD and possibly RAD, he lies all the time. He HATES anything to do with WORK be it chores or school work, he steals (although not since he's been with us), he cries and sulls up just to get his way. Although we have only had him for a short time, I have seen SOME improvement in his behavior at home and at school. At this time, his Dr doesn't feel he needs any Meds based on his recent ADHD ratings. I should also add... while with bio g-ma he was abused in EVERY way possible. Bio-mom was also mentally,verbally and physically abusive to J. although my mom and dad never abused him, they never actually taught him consquences (sp) for his actions and always made everything easy on him including his school work. I never agreed with the way my parents were raising them. Ok, now on to my ?'s. How do I help him deal with the fact that bio-mom never calls? It's been almost 3 weeks. I have called her and tried to get her to come and see him and she'll agree to it but when it comes time to do it, she backs out and makes up excuses. For example She was suppose to come down and stay the weekend with us. After having J's youngest brother for the whole week, he decided he wanted to stay the weekend too and instead of bringing him with her or telling him no.. she just didn't show up here and didn't call either. I had to call her. and J was hurt because she chose the brother over him... How and what should I do to help him with the rejection? Should I limit or stop his contact with his bio-mom? How do I explain to him that although she does love him she can't take care of him? what can I do to STOP his lying? Should I limit his contact with my mom because of the hurt and rejection he feels towards her? He uses the words REAL mom when he talks about bio. How do I explain to him that when he says it like that. it makes me feel like his FAKE mom? or Should I explain that to him? He's had soooo many HURTS in his life I just want to help him HEAL... any advice??????????? I should also add that he already calls me momma and dh daddy. His choice. Hildrea momma to 3 Anna 12 Mylen 3 Josh 12 (hopefully soon) adding LOTS more... ;) currently taking Clomid with our fingers crossed