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Dear Posters,
I adopted my son, when he was 8, he is now 18. I dont want to make this too long winded, but not sure how to capsulize it. He was in foster care from the age of 2 til when we adopted him. He knows his birthmom, had 'visits' with her up to that point. Understandibly he has issues with women. He has had counseling in every form and fashion from in home to treatment centers. The last 5 years escalated from passive aggressive behaviors to outright violent, homicidal. He has shown these behaviors in other settings, but primarily he lashes out at me. He has been arrested, he has been put in detention centers, jail and several youth programs, such as Outdoor programs and the last one was a 'independent living program"....which made him no more independent than a newborn baby. He has been out since June of 2003 when he turned 18. We let him come home. Mistake. We helped him get set up in an apt, he lost it, all of his stuff and ours, and for the next 4 months we rarely saw him, or heard from him-til he called one day asking to go to church, and needing help to get himself out of that situation. We helped him. Also, let him move home, with the main stipulations of: Get your ged, drivers permit, and a job, and join some group for anger management. I see him trying. He has been fired from one job, and does depend on me to get him back and forth to his new job that is much further away than the one he had. He is registered for the GED, and will be going this weekend for his permit test.
So, I see progress. But, I also deal everyday with his attitude towards me, his anger, his aggression, every morning as I get up to take him to work, something happens, for instance this morning, I showed him the red clay mud in the entrance, and said, we HAVE to do something about your boots, before the new carpet is ruined ( we moved to a 2 bedroom apartment before christmas, so he could have a room rather than sleeping in the living room) he just began yelling at me, cursing as he walked toward the car. I turned around and told him that he could just walk to work. I let him 'calm' down for 5 minutes. Then went back out and he was gone, so I drove to pick him up ( it would have been noon before he got there) My intentions were to get him in the car, to work, then tell him he had to work on finding alternative transportation...that I wasnt going to be hollared and cussed at while driving 45 miles a day in city traffic for him.
He darted out in front of me just before I was getting to the exit from the apartment, I slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting him, he is running now like a madman, I rolled the windows down, tooted the horn, he continued to run, and darted once more in front of me, finally he walked up past the car and I told him to get in before he or I got hurt. He got in, but the anger on his face so made me have flashbacks to all the violence we had from him prior. ( he has tried to kill me, plotted, attacked, etc.)
He knows his triggers, I know where and why he does the things he does, but he is 18 1/2 now... and I am again trying to do 'all the right things'...say all the right things, hoping that I will help him be productive and get a good start in life. But I am so tired of his aggression toward me. How he talks to me. I have clearly communicated to him that its not acceptable. And now I have given him til his birthday in June to accomplish his GED and save money to get his own place/room/something....he has mentioned joining the military..
In the meantime, I have to find some peace in accepting that I am helping out a young man that loves to hate me. I know where it comes from, he does too. But he is not ready to deal with it, and frankly I am tired of dealing with it. I want him to know I dont give up on him, like his birth mom did, so it seems like, if I tell him he has to get a taxi (very expensive), he will not be able to save money, he may lose his job, then its 'my fault' for not taking him, therefore-I am the bad guy again.
I dont know how to 'win' this situation. I am very weary and concerned once again, when I saw his major dangerous outburst this morning.
Not sure what I expect if anyone responds, maybe I am just venting.
Dawn in Ga
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Gosh, no, I havent read that book, but have seen and read about adoptive children murdering their adoptive parents.. I may read that book, during the day, with all the lights on, the door locked..LOL.. Actually it cant be anyworse than living the nightmare... I too have been terrorized..and we lived in a one bedroom apartment, and just 3 weeks ago, moved to a 2 bedroom, so he could live with us and get on his feet, I believe it was a mistake, we will see.
I am glad there are more resources out there, again, to educate and support.
Thanks for sharing!
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Hi,
He loves you more then you will ever know. I was that kid when my mom adopted me twenty-three years ago. I wasn't has aggressive as your son but I wasn't far from it. I was six when i was adopted and all trust in anyone had been gone from me. I thought i lived in a world were everyone was against me no matter what they said. My mom tried everything and gave me everything, but it was never enough. Not until I was in my late twenties did I stop blaming my life on my past and began to unterstand that the things that happened in my life when I was young was not my fault and that everyone in my life wasn't out to hurt me. I still deal with learning to trust and deal with people it isn't an easy process. Your son will come around eventually but even though you are trying to help him you may be only hindering him. At some point in his life he has to unterstand that his past is his past. He has to feel the love from others and not just hear it. I love my mother more then anything in the world today even though she adopted she is the only mother i know. Your son is probably so afraid of letting someone in that aggression is his defense mechaism. Continue to pray and fast only God can handle him sometimes all God wants is for us to let a situation go so He can work it out. :)
WEll, shoot... another attempt, another time of turning our lives upsided down, trying to do right by this young man that we love so.
After a major tantrum, which escalated into a rage, this 18 1/2 yr old 'ran away'.. ::: smiles wryly:::: After about 6 hours, we got calls from several people that he was calling them to say we kicked him out, barefooted and jacketless. Not true to the first 3, and the jacketless part was his choice when he flew out the door in his fit.
Worse.. we were told that he was telling people that I sexually abused him.
Now, I know all about transference, and all the psycho babble that goes with it... I understand.. I know...I know.. I know.
But that was one of the most hurtful things he could have ever said. And potentially very damaging outside of 'hurting my feelings'...
He is no longer welcome to live in my home. I just cannot put myself in the dangerous positions that he ultimately produces.
I am sorry if this doesnt seem like a happy ending... and I know its far from the end, but this is the phase we are in and I as an adoptive mother am heartbroken.. I feel like I have wasted 10 year of love, time, counselors, programs, churches, family, and finances.
I will heal, and I will move on..and do I hope that others don't walk the path that I have? sure do..but it appears more and more that I am not so alone in this type of drama.
Thanks for all the responses...
Dawn
I am so sorry this happened to you.
You tried, you did your best and it just didn't work, that
was not your fault. You did nothing wrong except try and
help a child that needed you.
You have heard it said "love is not enough" and unfortunatelly
it is so true. The problems your son has are not your doing
there are some problems that are genetic and no matter how
hard you try you can't change somethings.
He may come into his own eventually and remember all you
have worked to teach him over the years.
People who know you will not believe his lies.
Sending positive thoughts and vibs your way.
Dawn:
I too am sorry for what you have had to deal with. We have been in a similar situation. Our son continues to live in RTC.......and will either be transitioned to live in their continued facilities, or will be turned out on the streets in three years. We tried for four years. The state system misrepresented him to us, and after four years, we were able to obtain the info they were to have lawfully supplied to us....info we asked about time and again. Did they know about it? Yes. Their names and contact into are on every document. Were we 'duped'? Yes. And, like you have said, you are NOT alone. There are many families who have been led astray with the 'love is enough theory'.
I won't go into my thoughts on RAD (which is one of the primary problems with our son,...adopted at age 7yrs.)........but suffice to say, I do not believe the chances for 'healing' are very good----unless the child is extremely young when brought into his/her forever home. And, finally, the kid has to WANT to change. (A condition our son refuses to consider.)
While we also live in fear that he will 'come back'.......he is also many miles away at this time. We're hoping for the best for all of us as the years go....
I wish you the best in the future. Your attempts were not in vain. These kids are 'something else'....and certainly not to be taken lightly. And, if you feel like I do.........as long as we are able to tell any people who are considering older child adoption-----to DO THEIR HOMEWORK.....then I feel that we help some, along the way....
Most sincerely,
Linny
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Hi,
I have a 13 year old that treats me the same way and have had for almost 2 years. He is actually my husbands nephew. We adopted him and his brother, his brother is 11 with the mentallity of a 5 year old. My 13 yr old is very abusive to me and his brother. He was also abusive to his foster mom. We have trie everything under the sun to help him and i love more than words can say, but where do we go from here. Honestly, I want him out of my home so he can't hurt his brother and the pets anymore. He is verbally and mentally and sometimes pshysically abusive. We ahve done for him and done for him and he still wants more and treats me like I'm dirt. Sometimes worse. I love him so much and it hurts me to know he is suffering inside. But now I just want him out of the house and away from us. To meet him for the first time you would think he was the best child ever. I feel like I am giving up and I told him and myself I would never do that, but now I just want out of the adoption and to have him gone. I know alot of people out there think I'm the worst mom in the world for feeling this way but I'm sorry I can't cope anymore.
sadie_lynn--
Oh my goodness this must be very difficult I am glad you have signed into this forum you are very much not alone in your experience or your feelings....
Do you know how to make a new thread? I worry your issues might be lost being posted here at the bottom of an older thread... I would like as many people to hear your situation as possible so please make your own thread so that you can get the kind of support you need....
I don't think your a horrible mom. Your trying to help a traumatized child and being traumatized yourself in the process.
Have you researched what your options are in your state with your circumstances? You do have a right to live in peace.
Have you used attachment therapy or any of the theraputic parenting techniques?
well i am adoptee boy, so with me being somewhat a lil trouble, but only came after my adopted dad died, i was only 13 when he passed, i was adopted at 2 yrs old.... though my adopted parents were very strict with my dad a col. in military.... by the time i was 17 yrs old i was in trouble, but mind you i never ever talked back to my adopted mom nor never put my hands on her and did not steal from her( i never knew nor don't know anything of my b/parents ) so maybe i shouldn't be saying anything in this fourum. , i just got in the wrong group and ended up in prision for 1 yr for theft..... but my adopted mom stood by me the whole time, by the time i was 21 i had to marry coz my gal friend got pg, i was told to do what was right and i did ( thats how my adopted mom was ) she said take your responsiabilty like a man, but my problem was drinking and i did some drugs too, but i paid the price , ended up being married 3 times and most only lasted 6 mos to a yr, but my 4 th marriage i don't know how or why my lil wife put up with me coz i had some problems during our first 3 yrs of marriage but if it weren't for her i would be dead today, she saved me and i have been with her for 21 yrs now, this is what my lil wife told me ... it's either me or the drugs & drinking thats was my choice and she started packing her bags and said call her daddy to come get here, she said if you really want a good life and all that comes with it the choice is yours, but she refused to live that type of life i was living at the time and tears rolled down her pretty cheeks and she said i'll be here when you are ready and she started to walk out the door and i then knew someone my lil wife cared more for me than i ever knew.... what i am saying is becoz of that day and what she said i got help and her family stood with us all the way..... within 6 mos i was clean .... i know many of you are going through rough times with your adoptee, my wife and i took in her brothers 3 ( 9 mos, 3 yrs & 6 yrs of ages )childern as dhs was involved and they were going through a devorice process ( their mother had abandoned them while the dad was at work ), the niece was aweful throwing fits banging her head , jumping out of car just crazy thangs and couldnt get her to do anythang, well one day my wife got tired of it and she told niece thats it its high time you learned your lesson, she took the niece back to dhs and told them gotta do something cant take it anymore, dhs set niece down in private showed her something of a horror what happens to childern that are left alone ( yep a film of child abuse in real life ) and then they made her appolize to my wife and then they let my wife spake her butt real good , no she didnt hurt the niece, but from that day on that niece never once was disrespectable toward us again... it usually takes an outsider to get what needs to be done, but also no matter how old na child is as long as they living under your roof they must mind and respect you...
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When I read your post, it reminded me so much of my own 15 year old and his anger toward me. My husband and I have been hit so often by our son so often that it almost seems normal. Last night, our family therapist (specializing in attachment and trauma) suggested a meeting with child welfare describing my husband and I as suffering from post-traumatic stress. The idea would be to get more support including possibly sending him to a group home. The idea has left me crying for nearly 18 hours so far but I really don't know what else to do.
I admire you for finding a way to continue your relationship with your son beyond the age when you are legally obligated. In my point of view, you are a true parent always putting your child first. I hope that I can be as strong as you but don't know if I can be.
I hope your son gets to the point when he realizes how blessed he was to have you in his life. And for your sake, I hope it's soon.
Dawnzlight, I read your post and wish I had some means to help. In the sharing of thots, nothing in this post is a criticism for either of you. It is a difficult situation.
At 18 it is hard to figure out where you are, what you want, or how to ask for help. You are aware of the gaps in your head. You want to reach them to find out whats in them, where they are and what is the biggest part of all that, but there is no way. The adoption scene is always with you. It is like a shadow that never speaks.
I am a male adoptee and it's not difficult to figure out what is in the a-sons head.
In my own experience when I was 5 months, there was grief and loss handed down at the time of adoption when I was 5 months. There was a loss of 1st a-mom at age 3, with subsequent abandonment by a-dad for 2 years after loss of his wife, and then a new wife/mom that came on the scene and everything changed again.
There is so much going on that a-son does not understand. Having to deal with mom's addiction and not understanding it, is very frustrating. Coupled with the fact that he feels a sense of abandonment from her is also a bummer. In his head are the hopes that he will be able to str8en all those out if he could see her, talk and figure out a game plan.
What he doesn't know is that no matter what his feelings are for her, in addiction he will always come out 2nd. Addiction comes first.
His lack of trust issues are a big part of the problems. He can't get his head to stop screaming long enough to be able to take 1 issue at a time. Or have someone talk to him in a language he understands.
The era is different now. There is FB, Twitter, and the myriad of speedy toys and playthings that make life go at his age. In every kids heart, no matter how severe the abuse, there is a time when they feel that no matter what happened, or how severe the abuse was they can fix it, and the problems will recede.
Hang in there.
drywall
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... this thread is 10 yrs old, so the son in question is now 28. ..