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Hey all,
I know its been a long time since I posted last, and i havent really been watching everyone elses posts either. Robbie's and my computer crashed and now we are trying to save up money to get a new one, as well as trying to find our own place and to get our car back...*sigh* why is money a big deal? Well...for Christmas, we went back to Florida and had a visit with our son.
Oh yeah, for those who dont know me, I am sorry i didnt reintroduce myself. I am Lily(17), I am engaged to the most wonderful guy in the world, Robbie(18). I used to live in Florida, and Robbie lived in NH, about 4 1/2 months ago, I moved in with Robbie and his family, after the birth of my son. My son was concieved through a rape, and we decided to place himfor adoption, which has already been done and over with for 5 months. We still get pictures every month and we e-mail the aparents almost everyday, and we just had a very nice lunch with them on the day after Christmas. We got the most wonderful 2 and 1/2 hours with Nickolas! He has grown so much since birth and he is soo healthy and happy! I will never forget that visit. He was asleep when he showed up to our house and Robbie and I sat down next to him, and when he woke up he looked straight toward me and smiled the biggest smile ever, just like he knew exactly who I was. If felt so great to see him smile so big, but now I am missing him so much again. What can I do to get over missing him all the time? I am starting to take all my feelings out on Robbie and all he ever does is try to help me, and I feel so bad that I end up crying for an hour or more. Im begiinging to feel lost and confused again and I hate it! If any one could suggest anything, I would be more then greatful, and I am sorry I havent been able to help anyone else out, I just dont know what to do....
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Lily:
It is very difficult feeling that kind of pain, isn't it. If you can find a support group of women in your area that have walked the road you now are on you might find it helpful as you go through this grieving process.
Also, acknowledging what is really happening to yourself is very important. Any part of this that you deny or "put a spin on" will remain unresolved. There is so much pain involved in the experience of adoption that it is no wonder that everyone tells themselves whatever they have to so they can justify and get through the day.
You are right that the relinquishment of your child is a done deal. That is a big first step toward your healing process...facing that reality. And it really no longer matters if you did the "right thing" or not because it can't be changed. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get in touch with what is at the source of your pain, make no judgments about it, make no rationalizations about it, and know that the bond you feel for your baby is going to be with you forever, which is why you will never get over him. A mother never stops loving her child or feeling that deep connection with him. Even so, you can go on with your life and live a fulfilling one even though it will always have a void..that is the burden a mother carries when she loses a child (regardless of how she loses it).
If you can do the work now, it will pay off in the long run for your well being and for your son when the day comes when you are reunited again.
I know what you are feeling right now and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Be brave. And hold tight to your future children.
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Hi Lily,
I was reading all of the posts on this site and came across the ones when you were going into labor, and your fiancee was posting messages. I wanted to ask you~ because I am a birthmom to a boy who will be 8 months old tomorrow. My fiancee and I had to give him up. I wanted to know when you had your c-section, did they make you feel like they were tearing your baby out of you? I had a c-section and I was treated like "oh, adoption, here we'll get 'em outta here". I wasnt sure if I was feeling like that because of the situation or what.
Holly :^)
Hi Lily.......I am SO GLAD to hear from you!!!! I have wondered and thought about you Many Times!!!! Being a bmom for 20 years as taught me many things about life.....The first one is we control our feelings and how we handle them!!!! While placing your precious baby boy is the hardest thing you will ever do you must make the choice to live your life, and NOT let the pain rob you!!!!! You do have a choice, and you can make a better life for yourself.......Remeber you placed him for a reason...Focus on that reason!!! Look for all the positives, NOT the negatives!!!!! You are a good Mom.....God gave you the ability to be a good mother through adoption.....You love your baby and always will, but you were not in a position to parent him. You chose a better life for him.....
Start by keeping a daily journal of your feelings for him, and the feelings you are feeling yourself. This will hopefully help you work through what you are feeling. Thank of something positive you can do everyday to make your day better and brighter!!!! There will forever be a hole in your heart, but you can and will learn to live again.....YOU MUST OR YOUR HEART WILL JUST GRIEVE FOREVER!!!!! !!!!!!!! I will keep you in my prayers as you and Robbie embark on this journey.....It is tough but you can do it girl....There is a lot of strength in a woman like you, you just have to locate it!!!!! ;)
Blessings and (((((((HUGE HUGS)))))) Staci