Birthfather/Son Reunion --Any advice would be helpful!

Well for one, you could tell him straight out, but that could be a little scary. You could direct him to your posts, but then you need to be careful about what you post. You could write him a letter explaining your thoughts, feelings, fears, ect. If you don't say anything, he will continue feeling the way he does about you. Just some thoughts, Kitty

Kitty, thanks so much for your input. I agree that telling him is what I need to do, but i have no idea how to put it all into words. I've cried a good deal today (some kind of emotional breakdown) thinking of him. I so want him to know that he was not 'unwanted' but that doesn't make up the empty years he has had to endure on his own. But again, Thanks so much. I'm digging for straws trying to find some way to 'rectify' the past, even if it cannot be done.

Hi, I know this is hard, but you have to softly, calmly, tell him the truth. I didn't find out the truth until I was 40, so please tell him the truth. If he contacted you, he must want to know you? Right,? Try to stay positive...I know it's scary, I can understand this, but he looked and found you...now one step at a time, a little bit at the time...get to know him..if he wants...Alot of things going on his minds right now, write to him, tell him how it all happened, try to answer some questions you think he might have....take your time, no rule book on this, it tough. Do you know what his mother has told him??? Could be a starting point??? Put yourself in his shoes, How would you want someone to tell you? he is your son. Try not to beat yourself up tooo much, try to move from this point forward. How much input did you have into giving him up for adoption??? Think back 18 years to what happened that day, and then tell him, not strongly, kindly and start. All you can do right now is try....let us know how all goes, e-mail if you want to talk...love to her how things go!!!!Good luck

Jason showed up rather unexpectedly today in my father's office at work. He said, Hi, I'm your grandson, Jason. He called me later in the day. My dad told me that he, Jason, mentioned that he couldn't understand why we were being so nice to him. I asked him about that when he called me this evening and we got into a conversation regarding his mom and what he had been told. I was very angry at what I had been told. It upset me a great deal and I lost my temper a bit, for which I aplogized to Jason profusely. I told him I had no inclination to cause disparity between him and his mother. He has had another dad for all these years. Nonetheless, he also got upset and then went to his moms and she called me and we spoke for a while. She apologized to him and me for denying me his life. This was a wonderful thing, I hope. I told him that I loved him and he of course told me he didn't reciprocate that love, but I completely understand that. He and I will be having dinner tomorrow night. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. And I will fill you in on the outcome. I have so much fear and love right now that I don't know what to do. Thanks for everything.

Good luck :) ! Please post and let us know how it goes. ~ Sharon

Developing a relationship with your son is going to take time!!! Be truthful with him, and have much patience.....Tell him what he means to you in a slow and respectful manner, and good things will follow for the two of you. I think it is great that you are beginning this new relationship.....It will bring GREAT healing for both of you.....Please keep us informed of how things are going...I am crossing my fingers and saying prayers for You!!!! Staci :D

dmanb, I am a birth father. I searched for and found my son and we have been in reunion for three years. Though my situation differs from you- I was the searcher and took years to prepare before searching, and my son was the surprised one- perhaps what we learned together at the beginning of our reunion will be helpful to you. 1. Promise to be honest with yourself and your son, both about the events of the past and the emotions of today. 2. Express your feelings as you are ready and you feel he is ready to hear them, but do so without making any demands or implying expectations for him to recipricate. (It sounds like you're doing this pretty well already.) 3. Though my son was not raised by his birthmom, I vowed to myself to never say anything negative about her. He is also in reunion with her and they have the right to work out their own relationship. That your son's mom has made some apologies for the past is a great gift for both you and you son. Honor that gift by honoring her. 3. Even though your son is jumping into this reunion quite aggressively, other people affected by your reunion may need more time to adjust and deal with new emotions. Honor their needs and ask your son to join you in that. 4. Acknowledge the sudden emotional outbursts- both yours, his, and anyone elses, and promise to not let them be the basis for judgements or actions. 5. Once the emotions have settled alittle, you might want to consider talking over some ground rules for get-togethers. I'm not sure that just showing up unexpectedly at each other's home or at places of business is good or fair, and could quickly become a source of resentment. My son and I set very simple guidelines that served to leave everyone feeling like they still had control of their own lives. 6. Find ways to include in the reunion everyone who wants to be included, but allow those who don't want to be active in it to stay on the sidelines. Again, everyone affected still needs to know that they are in control of their own lives. 7. Gradually refocus the reunion from deeds of the past and their emotional baggage to who each of you are now. Respect for each other in the present will help put in perspective what happened years ago. My son and I went through a lot of ups and downs before we settled into what I believe will be a long-lasting relationship. I hope you've seen the Searchguru's post on the stages of reunions. It will be will be a good guide as time goes by. I'm sorry if my post sounds too clinical or preachy. I don't mean to be that way. The lessons I listed were learned from experience and some trial and error. I just find it easier to write lists than to try to make points while telling my whole story. I wish the best for you and your son, for your family and his. Great healing for all involved can be a wonderful outcome of your reunion. I know that having my son in my life has made me happy, made me whole! Rich

First, let me tell you all how much your words have helped me deal with meeting my son for the first time. I met him on the day before yesterday. I haven't left his side since. He and I are very similar in apperance and attitude. I cannot express in words the extreme joy I have felt over the past few days. I feel very comfortable with him and he and I share so many things in common that we're both kind of shocked by it. He says he is comfortable here with me. I know I shouldn't pressure him or push him at all, but knowing that he's comfortable enough to come and stay at my home for 2 days has been unexplainable. We met at a friend of his home, he lives 2 cities away, and initially we were both a bit wary of each other and the atmosphere seemed a little tense. We got into my truck and simply just went riding around. About 10 minutes later, things had simply eased and we began to talk. We have said so many things to each other that I can't even recall half of them, but at least he knows now that I do and always have loved him and wanted him in my life. He's sleeping on my couch. I can't seem to get enough of looking at him (I offered him the extra bedroom but he wasn't really into that yet). I find myself staring at him and contemplating him. I don't put any expectations in his way, and I don't expect him to be someone he is not. I've been so fully forthcoming with him that he is already beginning to see a small fraction of who I am. He is finally able to put a finger on many issues he's had with himself. He seems happy and well adjusted and contemplative. I have no idea where we will go from this point, but so far things have been more ideal that I could have imagined. Jason keeps saying that he's fine and this is not stressful for him, but I know the truth. If he's not stressed out and confused I would be somewhat concerned. He wants me to see him as a big strong man, but I can't help but look at him with a father's eyes. I will keep you informed!

My best advice is don't look back upon the past, it cannot be changed. You can share your feelings and the truth. It sounds like things are going well, and I was so glad to read that you and your son are spending time together. Reunions bring so much emotions. I remember the first day of my reunion with my birth mom's family. It was almost like I was walking in a dream. I kept thinking "I cannot believe this has happened." Now a year and a half later, I believe it. LOL :) Again, don't look back, but look forward to the future - a future with your son. God bless you - NikkiLGA

Again, thanks to everyone for your support and kind words and your opening your hearts and lives for me. I have really found all of your words and encouragement very helpful. Jason and I are now working on becoming friends and relatives. He stayed with me for 6 days before returning to his home with his mom and friends. He'll be coming back tomorrow. This all means that things went very well, actually better than I would have ever imagined. I feel like we were never apart. We're so much alike that it's almost scary. Jason still feels some hesitation, but this is what I considered to be a normal thing. He's got a lot going on right now, but so do I. I feel so much love for him already that I wonder how I ever went without him at all. His mom and I have talked, we've talked in front of him, we've emailed back and forth. I still have some deep seated anger and resentment toward her, but she has made great strides to resolve any issues that might exist between me and Jason. She even brought me his baby cap that he wore home from the hospital. She's been very giving. Again, bless you all, and if I can be of any help to any of you, please don't hesitate to email. I'm hoping that Jason and I have a life full of love and understanding.