more male adoptees need to search

I have also noticed that male adoptees are less likely to actively search than female adoptees. Just out of idle curiosity, I wonder if male adoptees are also less likely to respond when they are contacted by their bio-families. I don't guess there's any real way to find out. I wonder if male adoptees would be more likely to be interested in reuniting with their biological fathers. I notice most female adoptees who search seem very fixated on their birthmothers. Is this a gender issue? Would an adopted male be more interested in, more curious about, his male biological relatives; birthfather, birth brothers? :confused: ~ Sharon

Not sure about the reasoning why this is the case on males not wanting to search. I can tell you a dear friend of mine just found his birthmom because of the Alberta Search & Reunion Registry. Though it was due to my prodding the he get off his can and look! Now he has seen her a couple of times just within the first month of finding her.. and is happy. I wish more would look too. I can tell you that I was not fixated on finding my birthmom. In my eyes growing up believing I was not adopted... I had a mom. What I missed was a DAD. My adad died when I was three. So I became obsessed with trying to locate him.( Out of wanting a father I think.) The male adoptees I know that are searching want to find both parents. But then again I am limited to two people I know. Maybe the guys will come around. I do know that guys are often told to get over it no matter what emotional turmoil they are having to endure. Unlike us women whom are more open to getting help and understanding/support. I do know from dealing with several psychologists that there are 5 to 1 odds that the person seeking help is female. There has to be some reasoning why they are not inclined to search and get help. (Though I did have to laugh as I thought back to the old joke about getting guys to stop and ask for directions! lol) Maybe we can get some more guys on here to tell us why.

As a male adoptee, I think the reason why most adoptees that are searching are overwhelmingly female is the simple fact of giving birth connects a female adoptee with her birthmother in a obvious way us guys can't relate to. Growing up, I always had this idea that my birthmother simply gave me up and went on her merry way and other than on my birthday, didn't really think of me that much. With a notion like that, it makes crossing the threshold to actively search slow coming sometimes. Just my two cents worth! Chris 5-JUNE-65 OK

I don't think there is any point in "urging" male adoptees to search. A search for birthfamily isn't something to be undertaken on a whim and shouldn't be done unless a person has some very compelling reasons for doing so. It is a very personal and intimate decision to make and the adoptee needs to be emotionally prepared for the intensity of the search/reunion process. Having said that I can share my first hand observations about male adoptees and searching: First of all I am a female adoptee in reunion. I have two adopted brothers who have no interest whatsoever in searching even though they know about my reunion. They could easily use the same resources I used in my search and I have offered to share that with them if they ever feel the need - which they don't! I also have two male friends who are adoptees that have been reunited. (One of them searched, the other was "found".) Both of them have expressed to me that while they are fine with the outcome, it hasn't necessarily changed their lives for the better. They can "take it or leave it". In fact both of them at one time or another have indicated that they are somewhat annoyed by their birthmother's expectations in the reunions. I know this isn't exactly good news for birthmothers of sons. But on the other hand - I may be wrong about this! - the men I used in my examples are all born in the 1960's. Maybe men born in 20-30 years ago will feel differently. I don't know whether it is a generational thing or not. It's something to think about!

I don't think I buy into the whole gender thing. A human being is a human being. Male or female. A soul is a soul. I AM an adoptee. My husband is not, but his father has not been in the picture for many many years. Since he was about 5. He had some major issues regarding his father when we started dating, but I've tried to help him gain some insight over the years. Help him see things from his dad's side. It seems like he needed to just be rationalized with. Try to understand all the possibilities he had never thought about. Mainly why his father had not attempted to contact him. My husband is very interested in meeting his father. I'd go as far as saying he is EXTREMELY interested in making contact. We're trying to find him. At the moment though...we're both completely involved in my current reunion status.

Hi xarmy boy Yes - I wish more male adoptees would search too. I was told that male adoptees search later in life if at all. It is not so encouraging for us hopeful birthparents that this seems to be the case. :-( Rowan

Since I bagan my search I have been talking to virtually everyone I know or or meet about my search. I am surprised to find out how many of us have a lost sibling, child or parent. Without exception every person who has lost someone through adoption has told me that they have considerd searching but just haven't got around to it. That is why I suggest urging these people to search. Help them out if you must. If only one person got my bson to post a message on this site or the Canadian Adoptees Registry I would be reunited within a very short time as I check these two sites almost daily. I tell the people that I talk to that even if it does nothing to help them at least it may help the other person. But as I said everyone has shown some interest or curiosity over the person that is missing in thier lives so this would at very least bring some closure to that part of thier lives. I met my bmom when I was about 25. I had heard stories about her all my life and they weren't good but I just wanted to meet her and make up my own mind and perhaps see why I have some of the traits that I do. I met her and we had a short visit and I haven't spoke to her since but at least I got closure on that part of my life.

sonata wrote.. They can "take it or leave it". In fact both of them at one time or another have indicated that they are somewhat annoyed by their birthmother's expectations in the reunions. I think this (what you wrote) is very important for (some) women who are going into a reunion with a male bson who has a very busy life.. I had such thoughts before reality hit.. Such wonderful fantasies.. But I accept reality.. I sure as heck can't change it. Jackie :)

Jackie, you're a birthmother of a son? I guess you are saying you've experienced that conundrum yourself. But of course the thing to remember is that the whole "male adoptee" thing is only a generalization. While statistics bear out the fact that females overwhelming initiate searches, any individual situation can be totally different! I hope everything works out for you. Sometimes if we adjust our expectations, then we aren't as disappointed. Easier said than done, though!

There are ways to encourage without pushing. My husband was adopted and has tried briefly a few times to look for his bfamily. Each time he hit a dead end he got discouraged. So he married a tough little lady who doesn't give up easily. He's not into the techno age yet so I start out on anything that requires typing or Internet usage. If I find something interesting I share it with him. AS SOON AS I HAND IT OVER TO HIM I LET GO. It's his decision at that point what to do with it. Since I'm doing the part that he finds hard he usually goes along with it. But he will do some hard stuff himself such as going to a support group meeting or reading a book. So all-in-all I have to agree that a little urging on the part of other significant people can be helpful to the adoptee or birthmom to get around to starting the search. Patience is essential for everyone. Janice C.

I am adopted and so was my brother. Growing up I thought one day I would search, my brother said he never would. I asked him if he ever thought he may and his response was why on earth would he want to find the woman who gave him away. He would never get into any deep and meaningful conversation regarding adoption - very much a closed book for him. As I grew into an adult I knew that one day I would I would begin to actively search. I was sort of waiting for the right time - and the right time for me was following the birth of my daughter. It was at that point in my life that I believe I finally understood what being a Mother was all about and I just knew in my heart I had to find my birthmother. ( I did delay for a few more years as I felt searching would be disloyal to my a/family) Last year I was reunited and when my brother heard, his response was that he knew who his parents were even if I didn't. There was no point explaining why I searched and to be honest I did not feel I had to justify my reasons. My brother has a huge chip on his shoulder and at times I wonder if perhaps searching may bring him some inner peace. He feels the world is against him but instead of talking about his feelings he just puts on this big man, macho front. He doesn't talk about his feelings and his emotions and I can't help but think searching may bring these emotions out and this would be very uncomfortable for him. He is just not ready and nor do I think he ever will be - I respect his decision.

sonata wrote..Jackie, you're a birthmother of a son? I guess you are saying you've experienced that conundrum yourself. I had to let myself down in levels.. :) But I am very comfortable with our relationship now.. I am incredibly happy that he is a well adjusted busy man in mid life.. (born 1965) I was not needy when we met.. I had (I am pretty sure) done my feeling work before reunion. Jackie