what's in a name?

good morning rebecca, i can tell you how we handle my son's "renaming" my son's bmom calls him by the name i gave him, out of respect for my role as his mom and because he would not answer to any other name. recently, she wrote our son a letter for him to read when he is older. she refered to him (in the letter) by the name she had given him. in her heart i am sure he will always be the name she gave him, but she also realizes that it is no longer his name. when your son gets older and they see each other in person, he is going to respond to his name and she will probably call him by that name.

...and while it might be difficult for you maybe it is a good idea to try and have a talk with her about it now.....even if it is started in a causal way.....say something like--It is going to be funny when he gets older and we all get together and we both call him by a different name! You have kept the name she gave him as his middle name and given him a new first name and that is a special thing--both moms naming the child. (this is what I tell my daughter because we gave her a new middle name) my policy in life is always about trying to have a conversation before anyone gets puched too far and blows.....maybe you can ask her how she feels about the new first name and if she just forgets or if she just doesn't like it....second guessing each other and walking on egg shells will only make the stress build--I am in favor of finding a way to talk with the birthmother before your son will be part of the converstation. If nothing eles you will know this is going to be a problem and will be able to explain it to your son hen he is a little older.

anna, that is a great way to bring it up. i was trying to find a way that they could discuss this without either person feeling threatened. bmom my just be using his original name when talking about him (as my son's bmom does) but had not intended on using it when talking to him. i could not think of a way to approach the subject, but i like the way you thought of.

My daughter was older (5) when placed and one thing she already expresses is NOT knowing her birth story. One night the bios were home and I was joking that while pregnant I called my son Razzaball....and my daughter PINKY just hoping for a girl. Well our dear M got sort of hurt and wondered---"what did my birthmother call me?" I looked at her and said--I bet she already called you Makala the whole time! It is such a great name why would she change it when you were born. I think it would be so nice since we cannot share the pregnancy stories with our children that when we do keep part of their original name--it is a gift from the first mother and we get the chance to give another! Most kids just get stuck with an extra name but, both of yours are important gifts form your moms. ALSO--I bet the birthmothers are just as uncomfortable with beringing this subject up......

I am a bmom who named her child at birth. Her new parents told me they had chosen a new name. For the first few years, I always though of her with the name I had chosen. I soon realized that if we were ever to meet, I should get used to her new name. We were introduced to each other by telephone for the first time yesterday. I would never think of calling her anything but the name her parents gave her. I have utmost respect for the people that have given my child such a wonderful life. If I could trust them enough to raise her, I could trust them enough to name her. I think the most important thing in all relationships, especially in the triad, is honesty. If you are uncomfortable -- tell the bmom. I would hate to be kept in the dark if the aparents in my situation held their feelings back from me.

I am in the same situation. I adopted my son almost a year ago. When we were discussing names with his bmom, she told us she liked one name and we told her we were thinking of another one. We thought that it was wonderful that we had all come up with the same middle name though. However, she did not like the first name that we had picked out. After our son was born, we discussed what name she was going to use for him. She told us that she was not going to name him because she did not want him to have two different names. A few weeks after we took our son home, we received his medical records for the adoption agency. I was surprised to find that the bmom actually named him the name she had picked out. While I understand why she did this and I do not have a problem with it, I just was not prepared to have to deal with the two names issue. We have a semi-open adoption with the bmom. We send letters and pictures twice a year. Although I have decided to put my pictures into an ongoing scrapbook for her. My question is, what should I call my son in the letters that I send to her? My husband has talked to her once and her mom once on the phone and they both call our son by the name the bmom picked. I don't want her to feel like I am ignoring her feelings by calling him a different name, but the name we picked out is his name legally and that is the name he knows. I want to do the right thing for all of us, but I do not know what it is. When I talk about him, should I include his middle name since that is the name we both decided on? I would appreciate any help from all who have experience with this. Thank You!