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just to catch you up, i had chosen adoption when i was pregnant but after two weeks of being away from him after he was born (he is in foster care NOT with the family or me), i decided i couldnt let him go and wanted him back. i am single and when i get my son back will be a new single parent. below is the latest on what has been happening. basically the agency is fighting me and are not happy that i changed my mind. :(
in another board i am a member of, i had mentioned trying to get my son back and someone said "I thought it was definite you had him back hon, what did the agency say?" I responded with the latest battle I have had to face. The very agency I was working with is fighting me and the state has become involved ... here is what I told her below (I felt you need to know as well so you know where things stand). It is an unfortunate thing that is happening. I was under the impression through what the agency themselves tole me that I had a right to change my mind and that at that point they had to comply and give me back my baby. Now they are stalling and even put false allegations against me - well I will let you read it
okay well there is some things I didnt' tell you cus it has been quite stressful the past couple days. yes - the agency has to comply and give him back to me. if they have any concerns they should then contact the state (dcyf) to investigate. however, that is NOT what is happening.
Sunday I told them I wanted him back. They gave me a week to have everything in order. Within 5 hours I had everything laid out and within 48 hours not counting President's Day everything in order and was ready to get Joseph. I called back and let them know. Now they used my past mental health history against me (i used to suffer from depression over 10 months ago) and said they could not proceed until they talked to the mental health department at the hospital I had Joseph at (I go to therapy there). All fine and dandy... I made sure to be at the mental health department when they opened this morning and tlaked to the supervisor who knows me and knows how well i have been doing. She called the agency worker while I was sitting there and let her know that at this time she saw no risk to either myself or the baby and that i should have my son back. After she got off the phone, she warned me that they could give me a hard time and that the agency worker didn't sound too happy to hear her say i should get him back now. So anyway, I get home from school and the doorbell rings. A Child Protective Investigator for DCYF (department of children youth and families) is there to investigate allegations of abuse/neglect. I was so horrified that this was happening especially since I don't even have my son yet and certainly would never harm him!! However, I know enough to know that you look them in the eye and you say everything openly and honestly. If they see you are cooperating and being truthful and everything checks out, they leave you alone. Needless to say I "have been served" a paper that says this:
You have been identified as a perpetrator of an alleged incident of abuse/neglect involving Joseph.
Can you believe this? So yeah I was completely open and remained calm and collected while she was here. Tomorrow morning she is goign to be visiting the place where Joseph and I will be residing with the pastor's family to do a home study. I am complying and am actually glad the state is involved to be honest because they can make sure I get my son back. All they want to see is a parent who is trying to better herself, who is not a threat to herself or her baby, and who cooperates with authority. I just feel angry that the agency tried to pull this card. They are not going to win something that has no grounds. In fact, the preacher (i am staying with a preacher and his family one of which is an adopted son) knows the director of DCYF really well and they have already been checked out by the state. It is a shame that I am having to be looked on and investigated like some criminal. I can't wait till this is all over! So anyway I call the agency back tonight (they heard the go ahead from the mental health department). Now they said that they have to get the okay from DCYF before I can get him back. THAT IS NOT THEIR PLACE TO DECIDE!! I know the law enough to know that they MUST give me back my son and THEN if there is any concerns involve the state. I have been talking to a well-known adoption advocate daily about the latest news regarding the way this agency is treating me and violating my rights and she is livid (angry). She says that what they are doing is illegal and unethical. I told her today I said well I am running out of patience but it looks like it is soon over. After the state investigates tomorrow and sees everything is fine, there should be no problems. The state will be watching me for a while once I get him back, but then they will move on. I am being watched like a hawk and thanks to their false allegations there is a document referring to me as a perpetrator for something I didn't and wouldn't do. I WILL get my son back .... that is not the question. The question is when? I should have already had him back!!
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shattered_dream wrote..I know my fear is probably irrational but the state took me away from my mother as a child and I have big fears of that happening again.
Maybe you are being triggered into some very negative thinking..Heck maybe the reason you looked at adoption was because of fear..
You are doing just fine.. And you are doing the very best you can..
The adoptive couple has an interest here.. Steer clear emotionally.. They made the decision to give you help.. They were told very clearly that you could change your mind. The law says you have a right to change your mind after the birth..
Some old time birthmoms are arguing against the potential birthmoms getting to know the potential aparents on an intimate level.. When I relinquished I had no such problem.. I had no one to deal with if I had of changed my mind.. No guilt because I had disappointed someone..
Fight for your rights.. Get out of the guilt and fight for your rights..
Jackie
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Originally posted by Jackiejdajda
Get out of the guilt and fight for your rights..
I AM A B/M TOO I TRIED THE SAME THING YOU DID ADOPTED PARENTS FOUGHT ME ALL THE WAY I CHANGED MY MIND WHEN MY BDUAUGHTER WAS 2-3 MONTHS OLD. IF YOU WANT TO TALK EMAIL ME MAYBE I CAN HELP BUT I AM SAD TO SAY I GAVE UP AFTER A YEAR COULD NOT AFFORD IT ANY LONGER AND I DID NOT WANT MY BABY TAKEN OUT OF A HOME SHE ONLY KNEW.
THANKS AND GOOD LUCK , ANDREA
Some old time birthmoms are arguing against the potential birthmoms getting to know the potential aparents on an intimate level..
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patrisha wrote..It's even more complicated if it was help from the potential adoptive parents that contributed to bolstering the pbmoms lifestyle or self-confidence enough to parent herself.
And I am absolutely sure this hurts the potential aparents just as much the potential birth mom..
Somehow this system has evolved.. Vacuums filled..
Money allocated elsewhere.. I think of adoptive parents paying for medical bills.. That can't be right..
Jackie
the way i see the state thing is that it is only temporary (90 days) and they are only doing what is protocol to ensure the parent follows through with the case plan. as i have no troubles with anything they are asking and have electively been in therapy for quite some time already, this is not a hard task to do. i really don't mind the state's involvement in fact it is nice to know i have a social worker to talk to and parenting classes to further my growth as a new mother. i just don't like being looked upon in the same light as those who would abuse/neglect a child or those who do not take care of themselves (quit therapy or rehab for problems they are/were having). i am someone who has actively sought out therapy (been in counseling for 10 years faithfully) and someone who has activel taken a role in bettering herself (i have grown so much and am nothing like the person i was even a year ago) and someone who is taken an active course in improving her life (going to college to get a better paying job) and someone who will fight for what she wants in life (my son is my life and i will do whatever it takes). i am not perfect by any means but i am also not some person who needs to be watched or who could be a risk to herself or to her child. that is the part i dont like - that i am placed in the same category with those who could be a harm to their child and those who don't try to better themselves. i think it is unfair and unjust that i am being looked upon in this light when i have never given people reason to doubt my ability to care for children. i guess it is just another test like the rest i have already gotten past and once it is over Joseph and I can finally move on free of the state or anyone watching us simply be mother and son. i guess what i am trying to say is i dont like to be watched and can't wait until this last hurdle has been passed. :(
Living well is the best revenge!! You just keep up with what you are doing. God will not give you any more than you can handle. You have no idea what kind of change you might effect in people's minds. Perhaps the agency won't be so quick to terrorize another birthmother in the future. Just imagine what might have happened if you had buckled under all the pressure, all the threats and all the obstacles they have thrown at you! Not only would you have lost your precious Joseph forever, but you would have taught that agency that their terrorist tactics work and they can just keep on intimidating birthmothers into relinquishment even though that is not their true desire. I've said it before and I will say it again, I could NEVER accept a child into my heat and my home knowing that it was against a perfectly capable birthmothers will. You, by standing up for you and your son, and doing everything necessary, and coming through all of this smelling like a rose I'm sure will have a ripple effect beyond your imagination. So let them watch all they want. Maybey THEY might actually learn something.
We are all rooting for you!!!!
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WOW. I am so glad that I found this thread! I am days away from my due date and as all bmoms know you have to completely reevaluate your decision after the baby is born (I have read that so many times). I know that I will have to think long and hard about this adoption after she is born. The agency keeps mentioning that if I do have a hard time deciding I could put her in foster care (that they provide) while I think about it. I mentioned taking her home with me if I can't decide at the hospital and they really don't seem to keen on the idea. Now I know why! I suspected that they could do something like fight against me to try to keep her. NO WAY! If I cannot decide she comes home with me until I can decide.
I agree with you completely. I don't want to do the foster home thing but it seems like my counselor is pushing for it. I wonder why since she is supposed to be my advocate! I think that a good counselor would encourage you to take your baby home and make your decision that way (if you can't decide right away). In my case once I sign those papers I only have 24 hrs to change my mind. That really freaks me out a little bit and it just seems like not enough time to make such a decision. I guess they do it so the baby doesn't go from place to place but it just seems so short of a time to be sure about such a serious thing.
Originally posted by shattered_dream
finally my baby is back with me. DCYF called the agency and told them that I checked out around 4 pm yesterday. At 5:55 pm, the agency worker was at the place I am staying at with Joseph. It was such a relief once I signed the papers relinquishing them or their involvement. No longer do I have to deal with them. She was very business-like last night. When I said I was so happy to get him back and sorry things didn't work out the look on her face was one of someone who was quite upset. To them this was a failure because the adoption did not go through. To them they lost out and they are upset about that. To me this is a total success and I get to hold my baby and not have to say goodbye. It was hard going to class today I will admit as I was up a lot last night but caffeine is the answer to that one :P I am actually quite happy to have the state involved to be honest with you because they made sure I got my baby back and I can only benefit from parenting classes!! I will get to meet other parents many probably single and will learn some pointers to help me through as a new mommy. There is a lot I still don't know but all new mothers learn along the way. I never believed I would be telling my baby "it is okay Joseph. mommy is right here." I didnt know if I would even see him again ... I cant believe I had almost signed him over and just "dealt with it" like people kept telling me to do. I am so glad that I was able to fight them to the end for my son. No, I don't like having to be watched by a social worker and the like but it is only for 90 days. That isn't really bad and after that this will all be over. As for telling you the agency's name, I don't know yet about doing that. I don't want to cause trouble. I just got my son back and I just want to enjoy him now that I can. Maybe some day once I have time to relax I can do what you are asking but I dont feel comfortable just yet. And yes, by all means, please pray for that family. It will be a while before I can look at their pictures without feeling the pain of letting them down. It was a price I had to pay to get my son back ... and one day I will probably be able to look at them and only remember the good times we did have together and one day they will probably get the child that is really meant for them. Now that I am a single mother, I can benefit from supportive people like you and thank you for following this story. Things happened so fast! It was only Sunday that I told the agency I wanted him back and in less than a week he is with me. Well, I got a few more people to tell and then I got to go catch the bus to get back to my baby :)
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Originally posted by LAURA021986
I AM A B/M TOO I TRIED THE SAME THING YOU DID ADOPTED PARENTS FOUGHT ME ALL THE WAY I CHANGED MY MIND WHEN MY BDUAUGHTER WAS 2-3 MONTHS OLD. IF YOU WANT TO TALK EMAIL ME MAYBE I CAN HELP BUT I AM SAD TO SAY I GAVE UP AFTER A YEAR COULD NOT AFFORD IT ANY LONGER AND I DID NOT WANT MY BABY TAKEN OUT OF A HOME SHE ONLY KNEW.
THANKS AND GOOD LUCK , ANDREA
eurydice -- It sounds like you might already have gone into labor and won't be reading this, but just in case ... if by the day before labor you haven't fully committed to relinquish your baby, DON'T DECIDE TO PLACE IMMEDIATELY AFTER GIVING BIRTH! Your emotions will not be true to you and it is no time to be making that decision. Follow your heart and take your baby home.