I'm considering placing my baby up for adoption and I need advice!!!

i just had a baby 2 days ago and i chose open adoption. i am only 15, im not with the birth father, and there is almost no money for my family now. i know i could have raised her, but i think that if i were her and found out that i could have had a great life with lots of money and a great mom AND a great dad, i think i would be a little upset that my mom chose to be selfish. im not going to lie, its going to be the hardest thing that you have probaly ever done. just think of the life that the baby could have compaired to the life that you would be able to give it. thats wut is helping me. i am sure that you would be able to give her a greart life! but you still have a life to live and stuff too, and the baby will make someone else so much happier. everything will turn out just fine. :D

Just my own thoughts...... I agree too that if your heart is not totally into adoption that you should stop dealing with the aparents till you are certain. If you do go through with an open adoption and as you have said you have high standards for how a child should be raised, how would you handle a situation between the child and aparents that may not be up to your standards. I was raised in a family that didn't have a lot of money. I have to say personally, I could have cared less. I was more than content to cuddle and play with my mom, and have long talks and walks than any materialistic object could bring me. As for college, if you were to sock away $50 a month for the next 18 years not including any interest you would make off of it you would have $10,800 saved for beginning tuition. Plus there are plenty of programs and investment type college saving programs for you to utilize. And lastly, my story. I was 17 when I got pregnant. Met the man of my dreams and was together for 5 years before I had my son. The day he was born the bfather would not hold him. It was a spiral down hill from there and he soon after disappeared. I was 18 on my own and raising my son, very scary. But I too like you had expectations of my self and how I wanted my son to grow up. I got a job that payed $1 and hour into a college fund for me. And rented a studio apartment. I had a close friend that was willing to watch my son when he was sick and the rest of the time I received ERDC Employment related Day Care from the state of Oregon. I didn't have a lot of money, but I had a lot of love and I cuddle up on the hideabed every night and fell asleep with him. I started my first math class with the $368 I earned working and then put my self the rest of the way through college with financial aid and school loans. They paid me about 3-4 thousand a term, approx $1000- $1500 a month after tuition was paid to live on. I am now 27, my son is 9, I am married to the most wonderful man ever. Buying my own home, and earning between 3 & 4 thousand a month after 2 years college. I am self employeed and in the health care business. I also have a 2 year old son and a 13 year old step son that just came to live with us 2 months ago. My kids do not want for anything reasonable!! They are in sports , doing excellent in school, and completely loved from the bottom of my heart everyday. God truely gave me the 3 greatest boys in the world. So the moral of my story is, if you work hard you can reach the stars. So just because you may struggle the first couple years, doesn't mean that it is the way it will be for eternity. Have faith in your abilities and know that God loves you and your baby. Reach for the stars and you may have the stars!! Wish you eternal happiness and strength. With love, Tamara

Just my own thoughts...... I agree too that if your heart is not totally into adoption that you should stop dealing with the aparents till you are certain. If you do go through with an open adoption and as you have said you have high standards for how a child should be raised, how would you handle a situation between the child and aparents that may not be up to your standards. I was raised in a family that didn't have a lot of money. I have to say personally, I could have cared less. I was more than content to cuddle and play with my mom, and have long talks and walks than any materialistic object could bring me. As for college, if you were to sock away $50 a month for the next 18 years not including any interest you would make off of it you would have $10,800 saved for beginning tuition. Plus there are plenty of programs and investment type college saving programs for you to utilize. And lastly, my story. I was 17 when I got pregnant. Met the man of my dreams and was together for 5 years before I had my son. The day he was born the bfather would not hold him. It was a spiral down hill from there and he soon after disappeared. I was 18 on my own and raising my son, very scary. But I too like you had expectations of my self and how I wanted my son to grow up. I got a job that payed $1 and hour into a college fund for me. And rented a studio apartment. I had a close friend that was willing to watch my son when he was sick and the rest of the time I received ERDC Employment related Day Care from the state of Oregon. I didn't have a lot of money, but I had a lot of love and I cuddle up on the hideabed every night and fell asleep with him. I started my first math class with the $368 I earned working and then put my self the rest of the way through college with financial aid and school loans. They paid me about 3-4 thousand a term, approx $1000- $1500 a month after tuition was paid to live on. I am now 27, my son is 9, I am married to the most wonderful man ever. Buying my own home, and earning between 3 & 4 thousand a month after 2 years college. I am self employeed and in the health care business. I also have a 2 year old son and a 13 year old step son that just came to live with us 2 months ago. My kids do not want for anything reasonable!! They are in sports , doing excellent in school, and completely loved from the bottom of my heart everyday. God truely gave me the 3 greatest boys in the world. So the moral of my story is, if you work hard you can reach the stars. So just because you may struggle the first couple years, doesn't mean that it is the way it will be for eternity. Have faith in your abilities and know that God loves you and your baby. Reach for the stars and you may have the stars!! Wish you eternal happiness and strength. With love, Tamara

Mary Jane, I am interested in writing to you because you sound like you were in the position I was in. In 1984 I placed a baby boy up for adoption, they mentioned the term "open" to me and I was interested but never persued it. At 14 I didnt know what I should be doing just that I was feeling adoption was the right thing. He will be 21 in another couple months and I think of him often as I have through the years. Did you look for your birthchild and how did that work out for you? Cathie

Yes, I did search and find my bson, and it's turned out very well. Although I signed on to the ISRR when he was 23 I didn't do an active search until he was 29. Then I found him in just 2 months. It's hard to make generalizations about reunions (or anything else!). Mine ran the gamut of emotions from high to low, even though objectively you would have to say it was almost an ideal situation. My son was happy in his adoptive family. Whatever adolescent issues he had with being adopted were worked out by the time we met. In fact, he had a family of his own already. Despite never considering a search for his birth parents, he was happy and excited when I made contact through an intermediary at the adoption agency. The first time he called, he kept asking questions no one had been able to answer for him, and I kept answering them. Finally he said jokingly, "It's like talking to God." Meanwhile, I felt like I had died and gone to heaven -- the only way I ever thought I'd see him again. His adoption took place back in 1969, when permanently closed adoptions were the only way it was done. There were times when he had to step back from me and the emotions of the reunion, and each time it felt devastating. Yet he really never said or did anything to indicate he didn't want me in his life. Quite the contrary. Both he and his wife have welcomed me and my husband and daughter as family, and new grandparents/aunt to their children. His amother has been very welcoming, too. His afather unfortunately had passed away just a few years before we met. Today we email regularly, talk on the phone, and visit several times a year (we're separated by 500 miles). You can email through this site if you want to ask me about anything connected with my search or reunion. (I tried to personal mail you but it wasn't allowed.) Despite what I said about not generalizing, I think the reunion process is good for everyone, as long as they keep an open mind and heart. Mary Jane

Eurydice, I am 35 years old and was placed for adoption by my birthmother at the age of 9 months. Fourteen years ago I searched for my birthparents. I had not had any contact with them since being adopted. I had a lot of unanswered questions and of course, a certain amount of curiosity about them. It has been two years now since my birthmother passed away. I am glad that I met her and had a relationship with her. Because I had a good upbringing in a Christian home, I am very thankful to my birthmother that she thought of my needs above her own. She knew she couldn't take care of me and give me the things I needed. I admire her for making that decision. I have never had ill feelings toward her or my birthfather. They did what they felt was right and I benefited from their decision. I am now married and an adoptive mother of two wonderful boys and the foster mother of one beautiful 16 month old baby girl, who will soon be ours. As with anyone, my life has had its share of ups and downs, but I feel my experience of being adopted has opened my eyes to this one single act of pure love. I have utmost respect for both of my boys birthmothers. It was their decision not to have any contact with us after we adopted them, but I hope one day to be able to meet them and tell them thank you for giving us such wonderful children. My children are the joy of my life and I thank God every day for trusting me to be their mother. I truly believe that in some circumstances, God allows children to be born to create families where otherwise there would be no children. This is the case in our situation. We are so blessed!

Its so good to hear your story of reunion. I would love to talk to you and I know I turned off the email thing when I registered and now I dont know if I can get back to switch it. Not real computer savy here. If its okay maybe I will try to email you. Cathie

If you click on profile under this post it should take you to my profile, where you can click on "Send an email to maryjanek" Hope it works!

It seems like you really want this baby. Have you ever heard that money can't buy happiness.This child would have your love and nobody could replace that. It might be hard sometimes but you learned from your parents that you don't want to trouble her with money problems and with you saying that I think you should keep her. You obviously already love her and want what is best for her.You can give her a good life even if money is tight sometimes and there are a lot of orginizations that can help with child care and things like that until you finish college.I had a baby when I was 16 and I did not have anything but now he is five and we are doing good. God will provide for you if you turn to him and want your baby then follow your heart.Things will be okay.

beamom; the OP hasn't posted since 2004. Just a heads up as to why she might not respond.

I don't know about the whole idea of sending money to the child or setting up a college fund for the child. I whole heartedly agree with having visits, buying her gifts, writing her and having phone calls. But for some reason the idea of sending her money just doesn't sit right. I don't know. If your choosing the family because they can financially give her everything you can't at this moment....why worry about sending her money or setting up her college fund...especially if she already will have one. I mean money is wonderful and all...especially when it means going to college. But as an adoptive parent I think I'd be afraid that your trying to buy her love or PROVE...you were capable of providing for her. If your determined to prove that to her...why not prove it to her while your parenting her? Why experience that loss...and seperation...when ultimatley you know you WILL be able to provide for her and give her a financially stable life even if it starts out kinda rough or needing some help from the state. What your daughter will need from you most....wether you parent her or place her....is your love, your commitment to her and your interest in her. i just hate to think of you focusing so much on the money aspect of it. because Money should not be the only reason to place a child...and no amount of money you could give that child later will "make-up" for the financial stuff you couldn't provide for her now and the decision to place her. I think the choice to place her for adoption should be less focused on money and what they can provide (over what you can provide) and look at it as this is your child....she doesn't need to wear the best clothes or most expensive diapers. She doesn't need to have a horse and a big ranch. Yes all those things are great but you don't have to have those things to have a happy childhood filled with love and security. Sometimes it's good for children to grow up in a lifestyle where they see their family...WORK... to keep food on the table and bills paid. It's a valuable life lesson that not every "rich" kid learns....many times they just take it all for granted. Think of how much more they will appreciate college or the EXTRA stuff if they learn to work for it. That teaches the child a much more valuable lesson and greater appreciation and respect for themselves.

Just wanted to ask if your counselor is one who really is thinking first about your needs. I think that counselors from adoption agencies can often be ones who say that they consider your needs, but might in some subtle (or not so subtle) ways be more supportive of adoption. Also, I think your reaction to the comments "wouldn't be your place" do mean something; if you want to be the mom and that is what is in your heart, maybe first try to find a solution that would make that possible. (And I'd agree, backing off from talking with the potential adoptive mom might be an important part of that process.) You have the right to do what you want -- of course there's always someone who can provide more, or maybe even be a better parent in some way, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't choose to be her parent. Finding a solution, financial and emotional, that makes parenting possible may help you clarify what you want. It might feel like a relief and what you want to do or clarify that you want to make the decision to have her adopted. There is a huge loss in adoption.... when your daughter needs something or is scared, she will turn to her adoptive mom; it won't be equal between the two of you. She will be the psychological parent and I think adoption, no matter how open, doesn't change that. Anyway, just some thoughts -- I wish you the best as you work your way through this.

Just wanted to echo Jenna's suggestion that this is a very old post and the poster might not respond. :)

hello, i just had my son oct 26 and placed him with a wonderful family i am in the same position and relized that my love for him was the reason i needed to place.just because i love him and wanted to keep him doesn't change the position i'm in and he will be in also.i will tell u tho IT IS NOT EASY it broke my heart.but i loved him so much and wanted him to be stable,i did an open adoption and now he has so many people that love him he has 2 of everything and will never want for anything.but adopting out a child is not for everyone and i wish i was selfish and could have kept him he is so beautiful.but in the end i just couldn't think of myself.it will be painful and hard but when u know ur child will always have what they need in your heart there will be peace eventually.don't let anyone force the decision make it in your heart first thats ur child.no one can take that u will always be a mom no matter your decision. kess

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