JUST 40 and hoping to Adopt

First, thank you Linny and Happy Mom, for your time and thoughtful responses to my questions. I promise to keep everything that you have taught me close in my heart. Now.... (Ahem) Okay, I must tell you a sad story. If you don't want to feel sad, please stop reading right now. I am an LPN, and I do private duty care for infants and young children with long term medical problems. I have recently ended (rather abruptly, to my dismay) an almost 5 year long care situation with a little girl who has Infantile Anorexia. That means exactly what you think it does... Hope is Anorexic. Her mother was born in Hong Kong, and her father was born in Wyoming, I think. Hope is half Chinese and half Caucasion. Anyway, they have been married for over 10 years before they decided to have a baby. The father told me that, at first, they couldn't decide if they wanted to have a baby... or get a dog. Seriously. That's what he told me. Hope was born 2 months premature, and never had a good suck. When I took over her care, she was 9 months old, and she weighed 6 pounds. Her father was her primary care-giver... her mother had totally rejected her. I went to all the feeding team meetings, every one of Hope's psychiatric appointments, spoke to every one of her Dr.'s about her care plan... in effect, I was her substitute mother. Her REAL mom barely participated, if at all. I taught her to walk, feed herself, dress herself, toilet trained her, taught her to read (starting at age 4), took her to birthday parties, the park, the playground, arranged playdates... all with the intention of teaching her to nourish herself. Her mother gave her the Chinese name of Kai Ling (Incredibly Sweet). Hope told me that when she is with her mother, she is Hope; Mommy's Daughter. But when she is with me, she is Kai Ling; MY Daughter. I think that in her 5 y.o. mind, that was her way of attempting to identify the quality of our relationship with each other. Was it unprofessional of me to let myself become so deeply involved with another woman's child? Absolutely. Was there any possible way that I could have held back my own emotions to protect myself from being hurt when I lost her? No. Children are just that way. They need EVERYTHING that you can possible give to them. And just when you think that there isn't anything left inside of you to give.... they take even more. What did Hope learn from me? It is my most sincere prayer that she learned that she is a lovable person, who is worthy of being loved, and who will be loved by many many people... I am only one of those people... not the ONLY one... and the most important one... just one of many people who will love her in her lifetime. What did I learn from Hope? That I have the ability to love a child who is not of my family, not of my race, not even mine to love. And now I'm ready to adopt a child who IS mine to love.

Actually I think that is a beautiful story. And that is exactly how I feel..... children are lovable for a number of reasons....many of which have nothing to do with race, or genetics. Good luck to you on your adoption venture and keep asking questions! We all make our own decisions and what works well for one does not for the other--there is no best way to adopt there is only the way that you are lead.

Cool way to spell your name! (from another Riley :) ) I think you'd make a great mom, from what you've told us here. Decide where you want to adopt from, what age requirement you'd like, and go for it. There will be challenges being a single parent, but there are tons of single adoptive parents out there. Their kids are doing fine. Don't let that stop you. You will be a blessing to a child and your child will bless you beyond words. Welcome to the forum.

I believe that you are right, Happy Mom. It's all about the paths that we choose... or the path less traveled... that leads us to our ultimate Fate. My only real option is to pray, and Believe. WOW! Another Riley! Actually, I was researching my family tree about 2 years ago, and I came across an ancestor who immigrated from Ireland in 1846. Her name was Margaret Riley... that's where I got my handle... I just changed the spelling because there are about 800 Rileys on the internet (just kidding) and because I didn't want people to think that I was a guy. Thanks for your positive thoughts and your support. It's good to know that there are people out there in the world who DON'T think that I'm totally insane for wanting to adopt as a single parent. :D

Hi - I'm a single mom wannabee too, in my early 40s. I have had almost 100% positive reactions on my adoption plan from family and friends. No one has ever said it is selfish, most of them have commented on how great it is to open my home and life to a child who needs a home. And all of the agencies that I have been talking to seem to be fine with the single part. I am trying to decide on my final decision for a country. I want to adopt an infant, as well. As you may have discovered, China is very hard for singles due to its quota system. Some other countries have restrictions that singles can only adopt older children or special needs children. I sometimes wonder if I am nuts to be doing this! But then I think I am just embarking on the adventure of a lifetime!

I have had the exact same experience with the few agencies that I have made tentative requests for information from. 1) A single woman is STRONGLY encouraged to adopt ONLY a girl, over 6 yo, with some kind of handicap. 2) We are strongly DIS-couraged to even consider adopting more than one child at a time ~ ~ EVEN sibling groups And the general attitude that I'm getting is a shocked surprise that I'm not so incredibly desperate for a child... ANY CHILD, that I'm willing to greedily accept a child that is so badly damaged that I couldn't hope to make a siginificant improvement in her life. What's up with THAT?!? It's like there is this collective opinion about single women who want to adopt as being long suffering martyrs who can be easily persuaded to accept a child that a MARRIED COUPLE would refuse. I know that there are people who believe that single women shouldn't be adopting children who could be easily placed with a married couple. But that doesn't mean that the inhierent difficulties of being a single parent MUST be compounded by insurmountable challenges like incurable handicaps. I don't know where to go, or who to turn to... I just know that I'm being very very careful about the agency that I choose, when I finally make that choice. I really need to know that I won't be given referral after referral for children that nobody else could possibly hope to parent. Does anybody know of an international agency that works well with single parents?

I struggled with some of the same decisions. I wanted a child as young as I could get. For totally selfish reasons, my thinking is that I would probably only be able to afford to adopt once in my life and I wanted to experience it ALL. Asia was my first thought - until I heard of quotas in China, Korea only to couples, trouble in Viet Nam. So I began to look elsewhere. Russia and Guatemala came up, but I felt that I couldn't afford it there. I looked at 2 specific agencies. My homestudy recommended one of them and so I contacted them. They suggest 3 countries - Ecuador, Guatemala and Bulgaria. I opted for Bulgaria. Bulgaria had a completion time that I liked and many other aspects of the program appealed to me. The drawback was that children have to be 1 year old BEFORE then can be placed for International adoption. So, I thought on this and figured that bringing home a toddler between 1 and 2 wouldn't be so bad. I listed under 3 years of age, but as young as possible on my homestudy and application. When I received my referral (rather quickly, I might add), well, he was a little older than I expected. He was 25 months. My social worker asked it that was a problem or if I was disappointed and well, it just wasn't. The only way I could equate my feelings on it was - If you are expecting and you want to have a girl and you have a boy, are you really disappointed, or just thrilled that you have a healthy child - my answer is thrilled. And that is exactly how I felt. Nine months later (to the day) I picked up my son from an orphanage in Bulgaria. Yes he was older than I expected when I started (6 weeks before his 3rd birthday), but I can't imagine my life any other way. I felt no pressure by my homestudy agency or my adoption agency to choose a particular country program, or to choose a child of a particular sex, or of a particular age or special need. My son is a healthy, energetic little man. He may be slightly delayed, but I'm sure about that. He is 3 1/2, has spoken English for only 8 months and speaks better than some kids his age who have been exposed to English their entire lives. He can count to 10 on his own, 20 with help. Dresses himself completely, and has met most milestones. It me who is lazy, I haven't had him evaluated yet to guage his abilities or possible delays. I would be more than happy to share information about my agency, or my adoption story or anything else you may be interested in. Please feel free to PM me.

I don't know what 'type' of ethnicity you are wanting for a child......but you might try the website of Americans for African Adoptions. We dealt with them for awhile...and I do know that they don't require you to travel, their fees are VERY reasonable........and they place with single people. I know that we did not continue with them, because we could not have an infant due to our age........but we are much older than you, turning 47 next month. This might be an option for you..... Sincerely, Linny

What a wonderful and positive story! First, let me (sorta) reassure you that you have a perfectly normal and obviously well loved little boy. I work with sick children every day. I have been working 5 yrs with a little boy who was born into an affluent family. Everyone in his family is highly educated, and very successful. Jack has been "talking" since he was about 20 months old. He isn't "sick", but he is physically delayed (intellectually, he is right on schedule for his age). Still, after all of this time, his teachers and playmates complain that they can't always understand what he's trying to say. Jack knows what he THINKS he's saying, it's his ennuciation that is faulty. Natually, this leads to some rather severe anger issues for Jack. He gets frustrated and then gives in to tantrums because nobody can understand what he's trying to say. Poor little guy. Your story about adopting a toddler has given me hope. I know that I probably won't get an infant, but that's okay. My desire is to get MY child out of the orphanage as soon as possible. I plan is to aim for an infant, and then follow my gut instincts. Thanks for your response, q's mom. I will be contacting you for the name of your home study and the agency that you worked with. Every little bit of information helps alot! :)

I'm 42 and single dad to be. I have an almost parallel situation to yours, not getting any younger and have not had my princess fiona show up at my doorstep! My own journey actually began as wanting to do foster care but then after I had done all the training with a foster family agency I figured that since I am doing so much parenting training, CPR, First Aid, Background FBI clearance, homestudy etc. That I decided that what I really wanted was to be a full time parent of a child. I consequently had to switch agencies to one that has a Fos-dopt program. But unfortunately I learned that most of the work that I had done could not be applied to the new agency nor the fingerprints or DMV. I had lost about a year's time due to all the new requirement of me. Well here I am two years into this and am waiting for my adoption worker call me with a match. (I had been in a match last month, however My social worker and I figured out that the boy's worker was purposefully stalling and putting the match meeting off due to my being male. ) The hard part now is wating for my worker to call me with good news. I'ts hard to stay optimistic sometimes. As a single female, I think you will have an easier time of it especially if you are willing to take an older child with some behavoir problems.

Hi everyone, I am a foster/adopt parent in the State of KY. I, too, as well as my spouse are over 40. I hate to jump on the foster to adopt bandwagon but I have read all of these posts and just have to give you my take on things. It is my belief that ANY child that is adopted (unless it is directly from the hospital) will have issues to deal with. Just read the adoption support posts on here. My husband and I have 2 bc aged 20 and 16 and have always wanted more kids but couldn't. When we decided that the time was right for us to pursue adoption we contacted our State to look into adopting domestically. To make a long story short, we were told that if we wanted to adopt a child in our age range 0-9 we would need to do foster care. After much soul searching we decided we could do this. Our first placement was a sibling group. The little girl was 13 mo. and her brother was 4 weeks old. Did the 13 mo. have problems? Absolutely! She had anger issues, would hit herself, etc. The little boy has severe milk allergies. We are now in the process of adopting these two precious angels!!!! They have been with us 2 years (this Oct. 30th). The now 3 y/o girl doesn't remember her birth family and only knows us as mommy and daddy. Our son is now 2 and has never known any other family. My point in all of this is a couple of things really: 1. There are no guarantees that if you could have a birth child they wouldn't have problems too. 2. There are so very many children (and very young ones too); I've had 4 babies in 2 years (I still have 3) in the system that need safe loving homes. 3. It is my understanding that in international adoptions you may be matched with a baby at birth but don't bring that child home for 6 months or longer. Do you not think that child is going to have attachment or security issues? I'd hope that all parents that adopt internationally would anticipate some sort of problem along this line. Being a foster parent, other than raising my 2 bc, has been the most rewarding thing I have done in my life. Whatever your decision is will be the right one for you. I'm not putting down international adoption, I think adoption is wonderful no matter where the child is from. I just don't want you to totally count out adopting through the foster care system. Good luck in your search for your child. Michelle

I appreciate the support for my endeavor. You sound like you have your frustrations, too. I understand that many folks perfer to adopt thru the foster care system. I'm okay with that, but I wonder about the Birth-Mother issues that seem to be a preoccupation on these boards. I mean, how would you answer the question, "Where is my mother?" if you are a single Dad? My heart goes out to you for that one. I have decided on an international adoption primarily for that reason. As a single Mom, I'm going to have enough on my plate with the "Why don't I have a Daddy?" questions. I don't want to deal with the "Where is my Birth-Mother" questions as well. Adopting from Eastern Europe makes the answer to that question very simple; "In Russia". I am on the Single Adoptive Parents from Eastern Europe email list. On that listserve, we have been discussing the "elephant in the kitchen"... that is... the unasked question: How does one continue to search for a mate after adoption? Both men and women on that list have offered a variety of answers, but they seem to fall into 2 catagories: 1) My kids have their friends, and I have mine. or 2) What is "Dating"? I seriously hate to think that I would raise any child without a father. Maybe I'm a perfectionist, but I want to be able to say that my children had a normal childhood. I sincerely believe that men offer a child stability and a different approach to parenting that kids can benefit from. It's too bad that I can't adopt a Husband from Eastern Europe as well as a child. :p

hi rhyleigh, I think what you're doing is great! My only comment-you might find that the where is my birthmother question is just as complicated in an international adoption as in a domestic adoption. Kids are always curious and want some sense of a genetic tie at diff points in their lives. We found the idea that the birthmom was nearby (meaning in US) and available to us and dd very comforting. If she has questions we can answer them very quickly. I know that everyone has diff opinions about the internatl vs domestic adoption question, but I just wanted you to know there might be similar issues as well. best of luck! LisaCA

I know that there is no "magic bullet" that is going to cure all of the psycho-social-emotional issues involved in adoption. And you are right that everybody has their own opinions about what is right for their family. My hope is that I can be an adequate Mother, and that my child will be able to grow up with a solid sense of self worth. If I can accomplish THAT, then I will know that I have done something meaningful with my life. :cool: Suzanna

hi there, just wanted to wish you luck with the dating scene. My sis was divorced when her son was quite young. Let's just say her dating pattern changed a bit:-). That's not to say it can't be done, it just took some effort and she couldn't be bothered. Ultimately she hated having men pass through her son's life, even if she kept them away from him initially. She has not remarried even though her son is 19 (she gave up dating-said she couldn't do it right, which was obviously true-I can say this since she's my sis). My husband played the father role for her son and he's turned out fine. I think the key is to have strong male role models in their life. that way you can find a guy (if you choose) at your own pace. best of luck to you, LisaCA