Losing contact with child's birthparent(s)

Thank you both for the concern over this situation. I do know why the birthmother closed the adoption and I am not wanting to totally open it again at this time in our lives. My daughter will be able to recieve information later in life if/when she desires and that we have accepted. Birthmom made the choices that she did and we will honor those. I was more looking to talk to adoptive moms who have found themselves in this situation that could help me deal with the loss I feel. When we made our adoption plans with the families I always dreamed of having long term relationships with the birthparents so I am grieving the loss of what I consdiered to be an important relationship in my life. It difficult to have someone in my life that I value and love suddenly just gone from my life. It would be like having a falling out with a good friend and not speaking to them ever again - It's hard to explain and I am having a difficult time with the loss of that relationship. Again, Thanks for your imput. Heavens Gifts

Hi, I am the adoptive mom of two children. Both of our adoptions were supposed to be open. We are in contact with our oldest child's birthmom. Our situation is a little different in that our youngest child's birthmom is young immature and can be very selfish. I guess I should back up and give you more info. We all had agreed on an open adoption. I would drive 4+ hours to bring her to our home when she was pregnant. We would go out of our way to include her daughter in parties and events. After the birth of the baby we kept up contact with pictures and visits. That is when things started going down hill. She was lying to the birthfather about things that we "supposedly" did. She would not return phone calls, stopped mailing cards to the kids, etc. We contacted the agency numerous times and they said she was no longer in contact with them. I can't remember the last time I spoke with her, I still mail pictures and updates to her but I don't even know if she gets them. We had asked her if she waned to continue in open relationship b/c this in and out of our child's life is not good and she always reassures us she wants to be involved and that she will try harder. I have given up. It is her loss. I get angry when I hear people say you don't know what is going on in her life. That is not the point. She made a commitment to be a part of our child's life. She willingly entered into an open adoption and knew what that meant. She has let herself down, us, and our child. The birthmom has always been immature for her age and we knew that going into this, yet I hurt for my child because of what she is missing out on. I agree with the others that you should check with the agency and see if she has picked what you have sent. I may be wrong, but I have heard from others that it is not uncommon for a birthmom to step away after awhile, she is getting on with her life and moving forward. Not that she has forgotten the child, just that she gets back to living her life. Did you enter into an agreement for an open adoption? How old is your child? If your child is older I would be worried about he/she feels about this vs. your relationship with the birthmom.

I, like Amy, am also a birthmother. I wish that there was something that could be said to fix your situation for the sake of your child, but I am sure that enough was already said. Sometimes things happen that we wish we could change, and we start to feel like we are missing out on things as an after thought. Who I feel sorry for is not you or your childs birthmother, but your child. For your child is truly the one missing out. Maybe the birthmother thought it was best to let things LIE for awhile. I just know that your daughters birthmom thinks of her everyday of her life and loves her little girl very very much. I think that contacting the agency when you send something to her would be a great idea. That way you can tell them to make sure she knows its there, you wouldn't want her to think that you only sent her one picture in so many years. Brie

Sylvester wrote..She made a commitment to be a part of our child's life. She willingly entered into an open adoption and knew what that meant. But how can we predict how we will feel five years down the road? Giving a baby up for adoption is difficult.. I gave my son to a closed adoption.. I moved a couple of thousand miles away and got on with my life.. Open adoptions are new.. Aneni wrote..Others may withdraw from the adoptive family in an attempt to protect themselves from pain. I went through stages of grief when I gave my son up for adoption. Denial was a big one for me.. There was almost comfort in denial.. I could just 'forget about it'. HeavensGifts wrote..I do know why the birthmother closed the adoption and I am not wanting to totally open it again at this time in our lives. IMO open adoption is difficult to navigate.. There is no long term history on how to do it.. I do not think that all birthmoms can do it the way it should be done.. They may not be able to handle all the emotions involved.. They may not even know they can not handle all the emotions.. They may say its something else and disappoint everyone.. Jackie

Jackie, Open adoptions aren't new, they've been around for at least a generation. Ask Brenda Romanchik, who's been a bparent for 19 years. Open adoptions are done foremost for the benefit of the child, not for the birth or adoptive parents. All actions should be taken with this interest at heart. Birth parents who agree to openness, then decide it's too hard should be treated the same way as adoptive parents who decide it's too hard. If an aparent says 'we need to get on with our lives. There's too much emotion. We don't want this anymore' 5 years down the road they're condemned as being faithless. Why not the same for birth parents? Open adoption is not always easy. It hurts, it takes effort, it takes time. It is very important for the child though. It's our job as birth and adoptive parents to maintain these links (no matter how hard) so that their child has their complete life history - medical, heritage, social, emotional, etc. just as children raised by biological parents do. IMHO Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

It is interesting that someone is finally pointing out that open adoption and open relationship between adoptive parents and birth parents is for the benefit of the child, not the adults. I am curious, Heavens Gifts, what your feelings are on that? It seems the focus here is your feelings, not your child's.

The reason we had an open adoption was for our daughter - that was very important for us. This thread was and is not about what the birthparents are recieving or not recieving because they have chosen to make the adoption what it is today and they can recieve their updates through the agency when they request them. I can see by the way this thread is heading I will not be recieving the help I requested from other ADOPTIVE moms and it is going to turn into a baching me thing. I will look outside of this site for emotional support I was seeking. Thanks to those that tried. If anyone would like to talk about what I am wanting to please pm me. Heavens Gifts

If all of you have a personal issue with each other take it elsewhere. The rest of us are here to share and be open minded about adoption and learn from one another!!!!! I TOTALLY agree with answered prayer, open adoption is about the child!!!

You're right. Open adoption is about the child. If the prents become so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see that, it becomes a problem. All I was doing was reminding a woman that is so wrapped up in heself that her child has to live with her decisions. Brie

Heavensgifts, Why in the world would u post on this forum when u know the birthmom visits it if u didn't mean to stir up the mess again. So all who are reading is I was close to both partys involved at one time I considered them both friends I supported them both threw this . I do not lie it is not my style I have no need to. I am still close to birthmom if that tells anyone anything and have nothing to do with heavensgifts due to she did this mess to herself, It is true she tried to bully the birthmom into placing there second child and if anyone wants the truth from where I sit and from the emails I've seen feel free to contact me. And Heavens Gifts you should feel guilt and shame you should hurt for the wrongs u have done to your daughter and her birthmom allie jwdean@avci.net

You slipped up there and I see who this is now. I do not place all the blame on you and tried to have openness again. It didn't work and that is where this relationship is now. I sent Christmas pictures to the agency. I do not wish to have our problems slashed allover this and wish you and your friends would understand that. If you have an issue or what to resolve any of this we can do that face to face with the agency - I think having someone nutural there is best so that this sort of thing doesn't happen. Please contact them about setting up something and I would be happy to come there to discuss things. Heavens Gifts

How is one supposed to receive updates when according to the agency, Contact name Tina C***** nothing is being sent? There never were drawings, there was one picture in about a year and a half and that was a 4x6 inch shot and another w/ your other children. So don't pin this on me, You never sent flowers on my birthday you never did half of this stuff you are saying you did. Why not just be honest, admit there was a huge falling out, and deal w/ it, like you have left us to do? You say this is about the child, but everything you are posting is about you, what you are feeling, what your needs are, your loss etc. Nothing about the child's loss, what she may feel as she gets older etc. You chose to close the adoption, we followed suit, and after what happened, and the comments that were said, we asked the agency not to release information to you, for the safety sake of our child we are raising. Just as you stated we were/are a threat to our bchild's safety, but you have never answered the question, as to how one can be a threat to a child through pictures? We know/knew where you lived, never once did we show up, never once did we ask for a visit out of respect to you. You state you tried to do visititation, once for a bday party and the invitation arrived late, and antoher time when you were doing a gathering for those aparents that were signed on w/ your referal service. Not exactly a conducive environment for a first meeting is it? Let it go shelia, let sleeping dogs lie, You made you bed, you chose this route, now you have to deal w/ it...Do those words sound familiar? You stated them to me, so now I guess I'm asking you to heed your own advice/ words. I have asked you, and others have asked you, Not to discuss me, on public boards, or to email/contact others that wish to no longer have contact w/ you. Yet you still choose do so. So please, once and for all, just please leave the situation alone. We are not going to see eye to eye, we will not have the relationship we once had, unrepairable damage has been done, and I will never be able to trust you again. Hannah has more than enough info if you choose to share it w/ her, and if you don't the agnecy has all of our info, and she will be more than welcome to get to know the other family that she has. Regards Lisa

I just want to say I've missed you from the boards, and your anxious little avatar (always thought it looked like you had to run to the restroom ;) ). It's sad that this is what brought you back to the forums. I went back and read your early post on your situation, and this quote from the adoptive dad really rankles me: "I hope one of them are getting fixed..Cause this is the last one that I am taking on" I can completely understand why that would give you pause on considering placing your second child with them. That's just disgusting! :mad:

Plareb, How ya doing? I attempted to take a break, but this place just keeps bringing me back again lol. THink my little dancing guy has magnets in him! Keeps getting drawn back ;) It's all ok, I have lots of support, I've discovered alot about myself, my relationship w/ my daughters father has improved, I've landed a wonderful, awesome job, bought a home, and so much more. I'm angry that the situation will not be left alone, after all what's done is done, both of us (aparent(S) and ourselves) have agreed at seperate times, that this situation is not going to improve nor be the same, and IMO it's just beating a dying horse (is that the saying?) If (as you seen in the post from the amother,that if they so choose to allow the info) the info is passed onto our bdaughter, then she will be able to find us, for they have our ss#, agency has our Driver's license numbers, family anmes, aparents have our families addresses etc. She (bdaughter) may be gone, however, she's not forgotten, and she has a whole other part of herself, that she will be able to discover if/when she chooses to do so. And that's about where it is at right now. It's unfortunate, but it could be worse in that she would be able to obtain no information. No information is to be given out to the aparents, but she is welcome to it when she is at the appropriate age, and able to make that choice, w/ or w/o her parents approval. Take care Lisa

Ok This is a personal issue that needs to be taken off the forum. Name calling and fighting is not allowed.