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hi all here is my situation...
i'm 24 y/o male. adopted at birth. my mom was 16 and never planned to keep me. i was adopted by great parents and they taught me very well. i am able to recognize my problems and solve them. but now i'm at a point that isnt a "problem" , and i dont know what to do. it all hinges around my mother abandoning me, and the fact i've never had a girlfriend. as a result of those 2 unfortunate circumstances, i find myself being overwhelmed by heartbreak.for instance, i had a dream where my mom gave birth to me and the doctor said its a boy! and my mom replied -isnt that cute, hope you can find someone who wants him. and then i wake up, already feeling down, and i think about my horrific experiences in trying to find a girlfriend... and all the heartbreak at once is just too much. at that point i find myself in an almost trance-like state of emotional trauma. i usually shake and tear up for about 20 minutes . but sometimes, maybe once every 2 months, theres a night where i just lie there in a state of shock, and my chest just swells so bad i can actually feel my heart aching and burning. its so awful.
its all going to get worse due to the fact that my adoptive parents are old... and i wont have them for much longer.
so thats where i'm at... what can i do to ease the situation?
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The truth is, life is much more simple than we think. We really do have control over our ability to be happy. If you choose to let things get you down, ie your dreams, being adopted, poor past relationships, then you are giving that control away to outside forces. The trick is to find a way to brush these things off and be happy despite of hardships. I don't mean to bury away your bad feelngs, but rather to confront them, understand them and then move past them. Put a smile on your face even when you feel bad. Play some up beat music. If you are in a happy mood, people will want to be around you. You will begin to find that the right kind of people become more attracted to you because you are happy and a happy person to be around. This works for me, I'm not saying I'm happy all of the time, but when I feel angry or depressed I try to force a smile then tackle the issue from a better angle. My life has really changed because of this new way of behaving. If you are having true anxiety attacks, a visit to a doctor or psychologist may help, who knows.
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thanks for the suggestions, but i'm just fine. i cry once in w hile but that sok, i'm not a robot. you're right , i know. the truth is girls dont like guys like me (virgin, sweetheart. too nice). girls like "macho" guys that make them feel naughty and make their girlfriends jealous. its sad
again... please stop implying that i am dysfunctional. i am not. my judgments on females are all from experience. i havent ever met a nice one that cared about me, at all. so if a guy knocks on your door everyday and punches you in the face, eventually you will fear the knock on the door. its human nature. i fear that a girl i try to develop a relationship with me will leave when i dont put out, cuzz thats all thats happened to me.
so you care to explain why females treat me in this manner? (if the reason is not that most are insecure and selfish)
You are probably a bit more emotionally mature than they are at the moment. This often happens, but don't worry, the gap will close and you will find the girl you are after when you least expect it. People do change and mature, priorities shift. Perhaps meeting someone through a mutual hobby or interest would be a good way to let girls know who you really are rather than who they want you to be?
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Ikon --
You ask why you aren't able to find a woman who loves you for yourself. I don't know you, so all I can do is guess at possible reasons. But I had the same problem when I was young, from the opposite side of the gender divide. Looking back now (isn't hindsight great?) I think a lot of the problem was the way I interacted with guys. Having gone to an all-girls high school, and being kind of shy to begin with, I really didn't let guys get to know me as a person and so I always seemed to wind up with the type who was only interested in a physical relationship.
Feeling so defensive and fearful about women, based on your past experiences, you may have built up a wall that keeps the kind of woman you're looking for from being attracted to the person you really are. Instead you get the ones who look only at the package.
Just a theory.
Ikon....Shallow girls are ALL attracted to beautiful men. This being true means you will have to work harder to determine the real vs. shallow. I was a virgin when I got married as was my husband. It was priceless, DO NOT compromise your standards. A lot of girls with your values may write off beautiful people as all shallow. Your best bet to find a match and weed out undesireables could be as easy as changing location. Virgins probably don't frequent singles bars. They can be found pursuing deeper interests. Join a book club. Go to church sponsored functions. Hang out at a library. Pick up on girls when they're working. If virginity is an absolute requirement it will make the search tough. However, IF abstinence in a non-marital relationship is ok too. THEN There may be a larger number of interesting girls with values willing to be in one. You WON'T find a lasting relationship without a little more counseling. You're just not ready. Too many unsettled issues still, in my humble opinion. To weed out the missmatches faster declare your intentions when first dating someone. It'll lessen the heartbreak. Small towns also might have a larger supply of what seems to be your type of girl. Try a vacation with buddies in a remote area of the country.
yeah i do all those things... i have soooo many friends too many hehe, no trouble meeting girls. from everywhere. and yes i do have some issues i need to be more comfortable with. but i've never had a chest to rest my head on or a hug when i need it. jeezus i'm a guy who just wants to cuddle and i can't... thats not right. its gonna have its effect. oh and dont worry about "comprimising my values" i'm pretty sure my mom would materialize and say i'm disappointed! hehe if i ever mistreated a girl. its not a "fight" to stay a virgin , i'd rather die having failed . my friend who knows me well says i have every right to be a psycho serial killer , seeing how i've been treated hehe funny i'm not even discouraged just scared.
I wish I COULD have found a guy like you when I was your age, but at that time (70's) all this free love was going around and I was the only virgin around. My girlfriends I hung out with didn't even believe I was a virgin! Well, one guy found out and what a shock it was for him! He was really sorry he doubted me after that happened! It seems humorous to me now, but it was VERY traumatic at the time! Someday (I promise) you will look back on this time of your life and be able to see it was some type of learning experience for you. There is good in everyting if you make it so!
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ikon
maybe you misunderstand... i'm healthy. i treat people with respect and would offer any nice girl a chance. no girl has ever cared about me though, just my ****. so are you saying i should be giving up my **** to sluts ? that i need to give the girl what she wants even though i dont want to, in order to seem "willing" to work at a relationship? what a load of crap . again you may be under the impression i am dysfunctional. i am not. the reason i started this post was to get advice on how to deal with the pain from always being rejected for who i am.
IKON, the only advice that I can possibly give to you is to get some counceling for your rejection issues, it is affecting you in many unhealthy ways. In your last post you said a friend of yours who knows you well said that "you have every right to be a psycho serial killer because of how you have been treated." Why did he say that? I am just asking what is your opinion on the reason he would say such a thing Ikon? Julie
Ikon
thanks for the suggestions, but i'm just fine. i cry once in w hile but that sok, i'm not a robot. you're right , i know. the truth is girls dont like guys like me (virgin, sweetheart. too nice). girls like "macho" guys that make them feel naughty and make their girlfriends jealous. its sad
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Hi everyone,
Im new here, so greetings to you all!
I can understand where Ikon is coming-from because I am also in a similar situation and it is not at all fun to say the least.
I am also in my 20s, a virgin and never had a girlfriend. I also experience the intense sense of loneliness and so-on that naturally makes me want a girlfriend. The only problem is that this loneliness leads to desperation, which in turn is repulsive to all women and the result of this is what has happened here.
Although he is banned, I would advise Ikon to read a book called "The Game" by Niel Strauss. It is a funny, entertaining and informative story about a young and insecure man in a similar situation who turned his life around through improving his relationships, and overall quality of life. He is not adopted, but has other insecurities in his life that create a similar social burden as adoption.
This may or may not help but because Ikon mentioned having many friends and contact with women, I am sure it would be pretty useful.
Anyway, I can understand where Ikon is coming from and it is VERY DIFFICULT for an male adoptee to find even a short-term girlfriend when he has had no experience in that area, or misconceptions about worthiness in his head. Very few women seem to have the patience to demonstrate to one of these guys a safe situation and by the time we finally do reallise it, the girl is 500 miles down the road and out of our lives completely.
:rockband:
I can tell you that a 16-year-old girl had very little choice in the matter that long ago. It doesn't at all mean that she didn't care! She may in fact have suffered all these years since from having to give you up for what she hoped would be a better life. I know that's hard to FEEL, but it's probably true.