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It is with great sadness that I let you know that a dear friend, and former member of this site, Jordanmode, committed suicide today. Jordan's daughter, Malia, will turn 3 on the 12th never knowing the love of her birthmom. Jordan's daughter was adopted by parents who promised her a visit and on going contact. They used (actually wrote the book on) "Fast Track Adoption" but treated her as expendible. I have listened to her pain, her agony at broken promises and a relationship she thought she could rely on. I have heard her cry for just ONE meeting with her daughter's mother, I have heard her ache for a video just to hear and see what her daughter looked like. Today the pain became too much. Ohh Jordan I will miss you so much. I hope you find your rainbow.
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My word I cannot believe how upset this still gets me ... Let's REMEMBER CINDY -- she was a beautiful, kind, funny, considerate woman who loved her children. She was incredibly supportive to all she knew, including adoptive parents, and she never, ever hated anyone other than herself for chosing the wrong parents for her child. Let's NEVER forget her story -- and remind other adoptive parents (of which I am one) that we hold a responsibility to be honest, upfront and mostly KIND while examining our own fears and innermost thoughts that may affect our relationships with those that our kids will love and know. Lets always remember that ONE DAY we will have to explain our actions to the only audience that counts - OUR CHILDREN - and let's try to stand blameless before them. AND if you are sufferring from depression, feeling alone or betrayed, PLEASE reach out. Please. Suicide is NEVER the answer -- it just leaves so much more pain. Cindy lost the chance to ever tell M how much she loved her with her own voice. Don't rob your child of that chance. PLEASE. Suicide is NEVER the answer, even if the situation you are in is out of control and hurts beyond belief. Please.
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I want to add that actually Cindy never thought Susan and Scott were the wrong parents for M ... she never did. She would have forgiven everything if they would have kept their promises. She knew they loved M and often spoke that she knew M was safe and happy ... BUT she herself felt betrayed and lied to and very, very stupid for believing them and trusting in an future open adoption. Anyways - I do not want to put words in Cindy's mouth she never spoke. (lol and my opinion of them is already noted I think ;) )
And maybe a final word from Cindy herself ...
This is a post from one year prior to the day of her death. I am choosing not to disclose all of Cindy's writings and posts, but I felt this one was significant, and should be read. This has been un-edited. From: JORDANMODE (Original Message) Sent: 4/8/2003 10:03 PM OK Guys .. I do not know if this is an appropriate post or not .. but I feel like I am going to explode. I guess this month is proving to be harder than I ever imagined it would or could be .. I feel like If I don't keep moving I will lose it .. I clean I walk around the yard .. I work .. but I am afraid if I sit still I will be consumed with grief ... I guess I feel like if I keep moving it won't catch me ... But that gets tiring .. I so much want to talk to someone .. but then if I do they worry and want me to be OK and I don't want to "worry anyone" I want to be OK I want it to not hurt .. But it does ****** ... It hurts real bad .... Will it ever NOT ... I keep trying to be like Peter Pan and find that "HAPPY THOUGHT" and I really try and its there for a minute or so .. and then if I am still with my thoughts I lose it .. and I am left with regret .. and pain so I sat down and wrote ... but I guess I need to share my thoughts .. so I can let go of them ... and You guys are who I turn to .. so here you go .. EMOTIONS Over flowing at times Nonexistent other times All consuming Overpowering Feelings I try and remember a time when all was good ... Did it really happen Or am I remembering a dream I walk through life taking things in stride Complacent and forgiving Knowing this too will come to pass I remember being happy .. waking up not alone Yet stirring deep inside Was a yearning to run So run I did I ran away from all that mattered Into the arms of all that shattered Why .. why wasn't I content to be peacefully loved was it all to good that I felt unworthy Deep rooted "issues" not yet dealt with resurface .. Threatening to destroy all that's important Internal pain becomes external damage Stop ... it hurts ... don't do it anymore Cry scream laugh be quiet All at the same time Emotions .. complex yet real .. These are mine ... IT HURTS ... Stop please ... that hurts ... Please don't ... that hurts ... I am tired ... tired of hurting I am tired ... tired of missing SO TIRED Why did I do it Let you go Why did I do it Let me go Stop that hurts Stop I don't wanna hurt anymore I look at your picture And you are so alive for that I am glad FOR YOU But me I feel dead .. When I smile it is shallow My eyes cry My smile fades I NO LONGER WANT TO "FEEL" I AM TIRED OF THE FEELING You came through me You were with me Now you are gone ... I am left with only a picture WHERE ARE YOU So there you go .. thats where I am right now .. Thanks for giving me a place to feel .. and be heard ... I at least know I am not alone with these feelings ... so sorry for unloading but I soooo needed to get it out ,,,,,, From: JORDANMODE Sent: 4/9/2003 12:44 AM no and that is the hardest part the silence .. sure i could cal but they got the email they know my number and obviously outta sight outta mind .. they have no desire to have a relationship with me and that in a way hurts .. sux .. and I hate .. but they are the ones that can dictate things .. so for the first time in my life I am at the mercy of another .. maybe that is one of the things I find hard ..
Wow, Jensboys- thank you for sharing that. Despite the cruelty in this memorial thread, Cindy's words and wonderful personality shows that despite that cruelty, shewould never hurt or kick someone when they were down.We can't count on the world to be kind, but we could always count on Cindy to make up for other's lacking.
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Okay, didn't think I'd actually have to post this because it should be common freakin sense, but here it is.This is a thread for those who cared about someone. It's for them to be supported and honor a person. If you don't agree with it, then don't but why the heck it bothers anyone is beyond me. If you have nothing but hurtful words to say against any one person and that INCLUDES the person being REMEMBERED here, then do everyone a favor and just be quiet. No purpose is served by kicking anyone while down.
BrittanyBee
I assure you all that I completely understand clinical depression. I have experienced it, and I treat it, and I am successful at it. But you all have to live in reality---people may be driven to the point of suicide, but they make the choice to jump over the cliff. Once again, this is a tragic story. But no adult "makes" anyone do anything.
legal
Jensboys~I didn't realize that Susan Burns completely cut her off and wanted no relationship. I hope her(Cindy) kids are doing okay and her family.
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Thank you for sharing those words Jen. I'm just.....speechless I suppose. I read those words, I hear her story, and I know that she lived the nightmare that so many of us are afraid of waking up in one day. Sometimes I feel like I live every day on edge that the pictures will stop coming. That the cancelled visits won't ever be rescheduled. That something will shift and I'll find myself in her shoes. I don't think that will happen, but I believe it's a real fear that many first parents have. And for her to have lived it.....in such a remarkably cruel way. I can't imagine how I would respond to that. But I learn from Cindy. I honor Cindy. And I pray that she's at peace now.
While not a birthmother myself, I am very sympathetic towards that group after reading about the non-enforceability of open adoption in some states. I'm disappointed that there's little reform going on, probably because birthmothers as a group tend to be younger and less influential than adoptive parents. I hope to get involved at some point (as an outsider to this process) and help correct that.So after reading this thread, I bought the Kindle version of the book. No one wants to learn that they were part of a plan, but I found little in the book that comes off as manipulative. She advocates honesty with birthmothers and advises APs to be as specific and realistic as possible in their promises . She even warns against providing emotional support to the BMother since the AP won't continue after the birth. I read through it looking for signs of manipulation in the advice but found none. (If I missed something, let me know.)So I think the argument against Burns shouldn't focus on the book. It should focus on the fact that Cindy Burns was disrespectful towards the birthmother,closed what she promised would be an open adoption and then tried to blackmail the birthmother when the latter posted about it.
Since this thread has resurfaced, let me add a thought or two.Fluffykitty, I think you missed the point of this thread. It was never about Burns or the book she wrote other than the discussion of the pain that she inflicted on Cindy. This thread is about remembering a woman who lost her battle with depression. Suicide is not a choice for those who make it. At the time of the act, rational choice is out of reach, as is hope. It's a last resort and an attempt to stop the pain at all costs. For those on the outside looking in, the answers are never sufficient because of course it wasn't the answer for anyone except the one we lost. That person, in this case Cindy, is out of her pain.This thread is a remembrance of her and what she suffered. It was started as a way to help those who knew her grieve her loss. It's also a reminder to those of us who adopt of the humanity and the feelings of the birth families who have entrusted us with their children. It's a reminder not to lightly make promises and to only promise what you are willing to deliver. It's a reminder to be compassionate. It's a reminder that on the other side of the triad is a woman who suffered a great loss. Cindy - I hope you are resting peacefully now, no longer plagued by the demons of depression. And to those who knew her and loved her, even though now it's been years, I know you still miss her. You have my deepest sympathies. I hope that I took the message you wanted me to take from this thread.
dmariehill
Since this thread has resurfaced, let me add a thought or two. Fluffykitty, I think you missed the point of this thread. It was never about Burns or the book she wrote other than the discussion of the pain that she inflicted on Cindy. This thread is about remembering a woman who lost her battle with depression. Suicide is not a choice for those who make it. At the time of the act, rational choice is out of reach, as is hope. It's a last resort and an attempt to stop the pain at all costs. For those on the outside looking in, the answers are never sufficient because of course it wasn't the answer for anyone except the one we lost. That person, in this case Cindy, is out of her pain. This thread is a remembrance of her and what she suffered. It was started as a way to help those who knew her grieve her loss. It's also a reminder to those of us who adopt of the humanity and the feelings of the birth families who have entrusted us with their children. It's a reminder not to lightly make promises and to only promise what you are willing to deliver. It's a reminder to be compassionate. It's a reminder that on the other side of the triad is a woman who suffered a great loss. Cindy - I hope you are resting peacefully now, no longer plagued by the demons of depression. And to those who knew her and loved her, even though now it's been years, I know you still miss her. You have my deepest sympathies. I hope that I took the message you wanted me to take from this thread.
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Oh Cindy. I hope I will be with you soon. It's too much for a mother to bear.
Since this thread has resurfaced, let me add a thought or two.Fluffykitty, I think you missed the point of this thread. It was never about Burns or the book she wrote other than the discussion of the pain that she inflicted on Cindy. This thread is about remembering a woman who lost her battle with depression. Suicide is not a choice for those who make it. At the time of the act, rational choice is out of reach, as is hope. It's a last resort and an attempt to stop the pain at all costs. For those on the outside looking in, the answers are never sufficient because of course it wasn't the answer for anyone except the one we lost. That person, in this case Cindy, is out of her pain.This thread is a remembrance of her and what she suffered. It was started as a way to help those who knew her grieve her loss. It's also a reminder to those of us who adopt of the humanity and the feelings of the birth families who have entrusted us with their children. It's a reminder not to lightly make promises and to only promise what you are willing to deliver. It's a reminder to be compassionate. It's a reminder that on the other side of the triad is a woman who suffered a great loss. Cindy - I hope you are resting peacefully now, no longer plagued by the demons of depression. And to those who knew her and loved her, even though now it's been years, I know you still miss her. You have my deepest sympathies. I hope that I took the message you wanted me to take from this thread.