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Hello. I am a 19yr. (going on 20 in June, so I'm not that young, but I'm not that old either) old female who is in a sticky situation. I am currently in my 4th year of college (double majoring) and I am expecting a little girl May 28. I have been raised up in a christian church my entire life, which makes my parents religious as well. I live with my my boyfriend right now, which my parents strongly disagree with and want me to give up my child for adoption. They believe that it is unmoral to be living with him and raising a child together unmarried. My parents, mostly my father, does not want me to have anything to do with the father, give my child up for adoption, and get on with the rest of my life. My bf is not very reliable so I understand the concern my father has, and where he is coming from, but he (bf) is excited to have a daughter. I am not ready to get married yet and probably not for a couple of years, and my father obviously does not want me to marry him. My bf has a lot to prove to me even before i could even consider marrying him, but i feel that i should give him a last chance. I know i could raise her on my own but it would take me a few extra years to get through school, and a little help, but I'm willing to put in that effort, while putting my life on hold until she can go to school. My father does not want me to do that,(I'm missing out on to much), and will not be there for me. My mother said she is always here for me, but i'm tearing my parents apart that way. My father tells me that if i keep her that the only thing he can think of when he sees her is that she was brought to this earth by sin, and is now being raised in sin for the time. What should I do? I'm so confused. I want to keep her, and stick it out through the tough times, but am i being selfish? Will my father change after he sees her? PLEASE HELP! any reply would be a help. Thank you for spending the time to read this.
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Hi there, I have been in a similar situation - I had my daughter literally a few weeks before I started law school. Her b-father wasn't really into being a father, but we've stayed friends. I am sorry that your family is putting pressure on you. My parents didn't exactly say "dont keep the baby." But they pretty much said they were done having kids and didn't want the responsibility of taking care of mine. Will your dad change his mind? That's hard to say. Maybe he will see your daughter and fall in love with her. Or maybe not. I mean, some people are capable of changing and others are not open to change. If you keep your daughter, and he doesn't change his mind, how will it affect you, your daughter and your relationship with your family to have your father saying horrible things about your baby? It sounds like things are pretty complicated with your boyfriend too. You said that he has a lot to prove to you before you will even consider marrying him. If you don't feel he's responsible enough to be a husband, is he really responsible enough to be a father??? Is he aware of the time, emotional and financial committment it takes to be a good parent? Is he willing to make that committment? What sort of research have you done together on adoption? Is it something that he is willing to consider? What are your feelings on adoption? I will be honest and say that placing a child for adoption is not an easy thing to do. I have a very open adoption (with visits) but some times I am still sad that I'm not raising my daughter. However, I do feel that no matter how hard it was, adoption was the best choice in my situation. My advice is to talk extensively with your boyfriend about all of your options - parenting as a couple, parenting as a single parent, and placing the baby for adoption. Realistically look at parenting - how much will it cost to care for the baby? How long will you have to delay graduating? Who will care for the baby while you are at school or working? What kind of financial and time commitment can your boyfriend make to parenting? It sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do between now and late May when the baby is born! Good luck with everything, and if you ever want to chat, just PM me. Best wishes, Emma
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I think this is a decision you need to make based on what you want to do. Don't let anyone try to take you into making a decision that you're uncomfortable with. If you decide to parent your child, it will be tough, but not impossible. I don't see how your father can call himself a christian and be so judgmental. That is his choice and it's your choice whether or not having someone like that in your daughter's life is in her best interest. I believe that if you make the decision to put her up for adoption and it's not your decision, you'll have a lot of anger and resentment towards those who convinced you. You're 19, not 14 so you've got more options than if you were a minor. I think you're smart not to get married just because of the baby. Marriages for the wrong reason often end in divorce. You seem like a mature, level headed person. It seems like you already know what you want to do. Good luck!
I was young when I had my first (17). I lived with my father at the time and he, although not overly religious, wanted me to give her up. He told me I had no where to go, no money, needed to finish high school and definitely not marrying the birthfather either. Fortunately for me he came around, living with my mom wasnt an option, she still has her own set of problems. My dad was so against the whole thing, but I was determined, started to look for apartments with a friend of mine who had graduated the year before, and my dad maybe thinking if he didnt do something I might not finish high school, to this day I dont know why, said I could stay with him as long as he had in no way to care for her. I was to be fully responsible for her. I did put off college until she was in school- and now shes in school and I'm still putting off college. I dont know that I'll ever go back to school, but I doubt it. If you plan to finish college it will definitely be tough, but I believe even if I would have had to leave my dads home, it would have been worth it all. Hopefully your family will accept any decision you make, but it might take them some time. Possibly even into her toddler years. I'm guessing your parents are still together, and that your mom is more supportive, so go with that. Let her have a relationship with your baby if you decide to parent, and if your dad has to be stubborn, he can be a grandpa from the sidelines. Our moms cant resist loving our babies :) so your dad will be stuck accepting it eventually. Just be watchful of what he says about her being "born in sin" in front of her. As she gets older it can make her feel pretty bad about herself. If you choose to keep your baby, be strong, tell your dad if he wont be supportive- keep his mouth shut. Tell him you understand his point of view, but hearing it wont help you.;) Shellie
Hello.... I say stand your ground.. If you want to raise your daughter and feel it is what you want then I say go for it. You are right, it might be alittle harder for your schooling, but It is well worth it when you see that happy little girl of yours. Your father will come around.. I know that is hard to see now but you just wait.. He is your father and he will see how you stood your ground and put forth the effort to be the best mom you can be. As for your B/F dont count on anyone but yourself.. If he isnt showing you how he can be counted on now, a baby will not change that. I say plan a life with you and your child and if your B/F decided he wants to prove to you ,then dont close your eyes to that either. What I am basically saying dont let other people decide for you, you will regret it in the long run. I would tell your B/f shape up or ship out.... I say you are very smart for not marrying because of the baby, that is bound for a disaster. Keep your head up and Go with what you want and what your heart and gut tell you!!!! Good luck and please keep us posted... HUGS!
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