A BirthMom

I am a reunited adoptee and although only your son can tell you what he is thinking - I will let you know a few things that came to mind as I read your post. First, I don't believe for a second that he came to see you for a free vaction........reuniting with your bmom.......that is no vacation. I do however understand your feeling of being used....I too feel that I am being used by my bmom (I'll save that story for another time) - what I have concluded - my bmom isn't intending to use me, she is just doing what she is comfortable with. Sounds like that is the same as your son. I always thought I was the most well adjusted adoptee in the world....until I reunited with my bmom. Ohmygoodness, I can't even explain to you what a massive shock all those feelings were (and still are). The easiest thing to do is to run away from it all. That sounds like what your son has done. It's just too much sometimes. I hope he changes his mind - please just give him time. When my bmom and I first connected - we took it really slow for a year ( I think that was all we could handle). It used to take me weeks and once even months to write her back becasue I just couldn't deal with it, so I put it on the back burner. Now we've been at it full time for a year....the feelings are still as intense as they were years ago........it's a long, tough, EMOTIONAL road. I just visited my bmom's house for the first time......holy moly that was emotional....and I had 2 years to set myself up for this. I can only imagine what a strange thing it was for your son...just one week in the reunion. Just let him soak this in. Try not to be angry - he needs to protect himself. And finally, I am not directing this at you or anyone for that matter - it just is 'what is'......it can be really tough to love, let alone forgive, the woman who gave you away.

Lane wrote..for in the 6 days me and my husband spent with my son not one negative word or argument came from any of us! He may be a people pleaser.. He may have said and done all the right things and waited till he was alone to sort what he was going through.. I just read a thread about codependency and adoptees. It makes sense.. I could not have handled six days.. I was barely able to handle one afternoon visit.. I needed to pull back.. I expected a lot from my reunion with my bson.. I came down in levels.. Levels of understanding.. I got angry after I met my son.. I got incredibly angry.. This incredible man was my son and I did not know him.. I hear you and I understand.. Jackie

Lane...first things first...no one is here to attack you; we are here to help you sort through all of this if we can. I agree with Fatbirdy and Jackie. Slow down. Give him time to sort it out. Take a deep breath then write him a letter and apologize for your earlier letter and ask if the two of you can try again. Its a journey and it takes time. MissyM

I reunited with my Bmom about a year ago. First time I talked to her was overwelming but terrific. It was hard to get use to her voice because of the drugs that alter it now and have done in the past. I look back... (we're not talking now) and I got mad at her because she wanted to tell me about that special night between her and my Bdad... immature thing to do. And I don't have any desire to hear about it. I'm 14! So, she spends the day in her appartment and sits around waiting for me to call. I was a little mad about this because I wanted her to get out, live the healthy life style you know?! So, our last convo was a year ago and from reading your story it makes me think that what I need to do is get back to talking with her. I have written her, tried calling but she constantly moves apartments... it isn't very worked out. I was emotional. I thought to myself after starting to talk to her that it wasn't really what I wanted. She wasn't someone I really wanted in my life. I don't feel like that now though. See... people think things on certain days. I am so mad at myself for even thinking like that. I think that your son needs to step it up. It's confusing for you, to have a great 6 days and then now he hangs up on you. Man, if I could go back and be patient with my Bmom. Give him time, every kid yearns for their mother. I do all the time. I find myself wanting to be in my Bmom's arms. I don't care if she's obese or if she's bipolar/with a guy for the 3rd time, living in a shack... only 17 years older than me. I love her. I just want to take back the personal things that she told people about me. I am mad at her for that. I still love her though. Your son just needs some time. Sad thing is... it may take a while. You and your son are in my prayers.

Lane, don't give up on him. So many things must be going on inside of him ~ reunions are hard to process, at best. Maybe he is feeling some guilt about his a-parents that he needs to get in touch with. I have seen that in other adoptee's posts. I can only imagine what kind of pain you must be feeling. It's like having to lose him twice ~ an old wound opened again. I'm so sorry that you have to hurt. You are in my prayers. (((HUGS))) ~ Stevie

I can't imagine going through what you went through. I can only tell you that reunions are not for the faint of heart! You have 21 years of guilt, remorse, fear, selfhatred, insecurity, sadness to overcome. He has 21 years of asking WHY ME, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME THAT MY MOTHER/FATHER DIDN'T WANT ME? and WHO AM I, and WHO DID I COME FROM? Then you have the Aparents (they all react differently) some with open arms, some with total fear. Aparents know that the birth bond is very deep, will they care more for the Bparents than us? Will we take second place, when we have always had first place? This is our son, we raised him, we saw him through bad, good, illness and heartache. What right do YOU have to come into our lives? I have read that boys seem to be more angry and do what your son did more than girls. I think in part it may be that it's easier for girls to admit that it is important and necessary to them to know their bmother. With boys (men) they have that "she didn't want me, now I don't want her attitude." I wish I had some "pearls" for you, but I think you just have to wait, and pray that he rethinks his position. So much pain for so many. My prayers are with you, and I do so hope that things will work out for you both. If reunions are good there is so much cleansing and healing, if they don't there is so much pain.

I surely feel your pain. I met my biodaughter that I gave up for adoption 10 years ago when she was 25. The first few months were heaven, and from that point on, it has been hell. There is so much advice out there for us birthmothers, but none of it helped me. It just took time. Time to realize that just because I gave birth to this woman did not make me her family. She has her own family. She is so different from the children I raised. She despises my daughter, and has tried everything to come between us. I have accepted that sharing DNA does not make us a family. I hope someday we can be friends, but even that is doubtful. I am in the process at 52 year of age, of adopting two children, ages 6 and 7 who have been in the foster care system for 4 years. I am looking forward to my new life with my new family. We don't share DNA, but I am very confident that we will share something even more incredible, a life of giving and sharing. It still hurts, but we have to move on. I have 5 grandchildren that don't even know who I am. At this point in my life, I am in the process

Actually, I'm one of the lucky ones. My daughter found me at 42. She lives in Colorado, and we have had a very successful reunion. I insisted on total honesty when we began, so we have worked through a lot of grief together. I'm not sure if she does or will ever really understand why I gave her up. But what is, is, and we can't change things. I believe one of the hardest emotions for me to overcome was the realization that although this is my daughter, I don't know her. I wasn't there for 42 years. She is a wonderful person and I am so proud to be a part of her life, but she is in many ways a stranger. She will never feel the same way about me that her two biobrothers and one half brother does. That hurts to the core of me, and feels so unnatural. I gave birth to this person, yet I don't know her. Very strange emotions. I know she feels the same way, and also very guarded, as her Aparents were very confused and hurt that she even had the desire to search for me. She said she had no expectations regarding an ongoing relationship, she just wanted to know who her bio family was. We email each other most every day, talk on the phone most weekends, she has been to California and I to Colorado, yet the bond that I have with the children I raised doesn't come with her. I wonder if it ever will.

leholland wrote..I gave birth to this person, yet I don't know her. Very strange emotions. It is a strange emotion.. I sometimes think I push it back when I think those thoughts. karob01 wrote..Time to realize that just because I gave birth to this woman did not make me her family. She has her own family. I don't know about my bsons family.. Or I don't know a lot.. This does not bother me.. This would make an interesting discussion.. Dangerous but interesting...:eek: Jackie

It is a strange emotion.. I sometimes think I push it back when I think those thoughts. I did that at first also, then one day it REALLY hit me, and I had to cry and grieve it. We've been reunited almost a year now, and what feels the most comfortable for me is just to be grateful that she has allowed me to be a part of her life in the NOW. We have already gone through the "what it would have been like if I'd been able to keep her" stage, but the reality of all this is that we can't go back, so now I build a relationship with an adult child. I think she still struggles with this mainly because I did marry her Bfather and had another child one year after her birth. She has asked but why if you kept him just one year later, couldn't you have kept me? Tough question to answer, and based on our pack of honesty, not an easy answer for her to accept. I still in so many ways feel like a child looking in at her life. I have three almost grown grandchildren, that I will never be "grandma" to, and no way that I could be. She struggled with "what to call me," Mom, no-Mother,-no First Mother,-no, so she settled on BMumsie. and I like it. But her children call me by my first name. They have a wonderful grandmother and grandfather that they have known all their lives...how could it be any other way? Like I said, reunions are not for the faint of heart....

leholland wrote.. I have three almost grown grandchildren, that I will never be "grandma" to, and no way that I could be. I have three birthgrandbabies.. My second and third born kids are not married yet.. It is a very strange thing.. Half the time I feel that I have done something very good.. I have sent part of me off in a direction I never dreamed of.. And the other half of the time I am incredibly pissed off that life sent everything in a direction that was not to my liking.. You are right about getting to know the adult son (your daughter).. Its difficult.. I never know if I am doing too much or too little.. Jackie

Yes, hold on to the fact that you have done something very good, and you have. Your genes surge through their veins. That's what I have focused on with my daughter and bgrandchildren..their heirtage. I'm into geneaology, and have pictures of my acendents. I think it is important for them to know the heirtage from their mother's side of the family. So far it has been very welcomed information. I have six other grandchildren, so I decided early on that I would not "shower" my newly found grandchildren with more than I do for the others, (not that I did not have that inclination.) But I tread very softly, I try never to push to hard or fast. After my first visit at Christmas 03, (I was there 3 days,) I noted that by the time I left, they were much more accepting of me than when I arrived. I think it is so important that their feelings are respected, after all we are strangers to them, genes or no genes they don't know us and are naturally cautious. I think one of the hardest things for me to realize was that all though I had thought about my daughter and what could be going on in her life for 42 years, she had really not been that curious about me, so when I met her for the first time it was as though I had always known her as she had always been in my heart.

Lane, I am so sorry you are going thru this! :( I'm not a birthmom, but I think, in some way, I can imagine how you feel. You waited 21 years to know something -- anything -- about this young man...wondering if he was alive, happy, healthy...what he looked like....what he sounds like....what his interests are...what he would feel like, in your arms. Just to know anything --- some little scrap of information --- would have been a gold mine, all those years. Suddenly, you have all that, and seemingly as quickly as it came in, it all went out again. I waited nearly 40 years to even know my birthmom's name ....I didn't know a single, solitary thing about her....and then, all of the sudden, in a matter of hours, I knew more about her than I ever dreamed possible! I knew her name -- I knew where she was, and was dumbfounded to discover that she was only miles from me, and had been all my life! I also learned that she wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me. She didn't even want to know my name or if I was okay. She told my CI that she had lived in dread of this day since I was born and that my attempt at contact was "her worst nightmare" come to fruition. As harsh as all that may sound, I truly DO understand.....and for those who wanted to tell you that you should "grow up" because you are "the mom", I have some insight I'd like to share.... I will never really know the exact reasons why Mary Ellen (my birthmom) reacted the way she did to my attempt at contact, because she won't speak to me, or even acknowledge my existance -- but I've been told from some folks close to her that one of the major reasons had to do with the fact that my siblings (all in their 30's) have no idea I was ever born, and she can't bring herself to tell them. When I tell people that, I often get a response similar to that of what some folks have said to you -- "What is wrong with her? She's your MOTHER -- she should put her feelings aside and do what's best for her child." And you know what I tell them? I tell them that she IS being a mother and she IS doing what she thinks is best for her children. Her children are my siblings ! THEY are the ones who have been "with" her every second of every day since the day they were born...and have been for well over 30 years ! Sure, I was born from her, just like they were....but I can never be her "child" . She knows everything there is to know about my siblings, because she held them after they were born...she fed them, she changed their diapers....she was with them for all of their "firsts".....and she understands their "dynamics" because they have a lifetime of shared life experience. The feeling of someone being your "child" in the truest sense of the word comes from nurturing and protecting and loving a baby all the way until adulthood. She understands my siblings....and right or wrong, she feels she is doing what is best for her children because she is their mother. I am a 40 year old woman -- an adult. She has no idea what I am about...who I am...what my presence in her life might do to the family dynamic. She's afraid....and at 60+ years of age, she is too scared to lose what she has had for a lifetime. Just because things didn't turn out like I wanted them to, doesn't mean I can't see where she is coming from. Maybe it is somewhat the same for your son. Maybe he is afraid....maybe he opened a door that he wasn't quite ready to open all the way. Being 21 and a Marine sounds like a "man" in the "big picture".....but no one can really know what the emotions of reunion can reduce someone to. I think in a sense -- even if it's just for a little while -- everyone involved "revisits" an earlier time and place inside our emotional being when you enter into search and reunion. Your past meets your present and it all becomes pretty "tornadic" for awhile, until you can put all the pieces together where it can make some sense. I'm not making excuses for your son, by any means. He didn't handle things all the best, that's for sure -- but maybe he doesn't know how to handle it, and rather than face the swirling tornado of emotions, he ran for the cellar. People do strange things when they are afraid. I did a lot of strange things when I was 21, and I wasn't even scared of anything! ;) I hope things work out for you both, and that one day, you can find some common ground in this journey!! Hugs, Sally

Lane, I am sorry that you are hurting. I would imagine with your first meeting going so well that it would have been unrealistic not to have some pretty big expectations from this new relationship. I think it could have been too much, too soon for your son. Reunion is a huge event in our lives. Its like nothing we have ever come across before in our lives and its such a minefield of emotions and feelings. My birthmother often says tell me what you want from our relationship, explain how you are feelings - its near impossible to do that when I don't have the answers myself. I just take each day as it comes and see what unfolds. I would give your son the time he obviously needs at this point. I think he has his own hurt at this time and men are not as open as woman in expressing what they have going on inside. It would not be wise to pressure him in any way at this stage or you could affect what happens in the future. Take care.

Lane, I'am very sorry for your pain. I'am in the process of looking for my bparents and I don't know what it will be like when I find them but in no way do I blame them for giving me up for adoption. As for the military I know how they can be because I'am married to a Marine and they are able to shut off their feelings usually when something scares them or they don't understand it. Just give him some time and he'll come around. I think it will be a total shock to find my bparents and even though I think about meeting them everyday I most likely will have to take a step back and say WOW!!! slow down this is to much information to take in all at once. Anyway, I hope things work out for you and I'am sure they will for the better. Just hang in there. Take Care,