Has anyone on this forum ever had to dissolve an adoption? How do you go about it?
Please do not be judgemental in answering these is a very serious situation we are in & this may be the only way to get our 16 yr old the help that he needs.
As you may have already found out, dissolving and adoption in IL is next to impossible. And I don't judge you in doing so. When we adopted our 'then seven year old son'......the agency/agencies sorely and diliberately misrepresented him to us. Had we been given all of the paperwork that is required by law, we would have known that this was a child that should have never been adopted by a family with other children....and certainly by a family with much more information and knowledge than we had.
After four years in our home....which put our other children and us in danger many a time......he was admitted into a residential facility. After three years there, they asked us to move him, due to increasing violence and non-compliance. He now is in the only RTC (residential facility) that would 'take him'......unfortunately, out of state. He will age out there. Our story is not that unusual in IL....and there are many families who were given the same 'go-around' when wanting to adopt older children.
We were strongly encouraged to sue the state.........but we refused to ask for money compensation. Our only fear was that we would be forced to 'give up' our other children, should the 'dept' make us take him from RTC. In our case, DCFS was NOT involved in the decision to place him in RTC, but rather the DX of professionals--counselors, psych MD's, and personal accounts from us. We have since realized that he will not come back to live in our home---barring some sort of miracle. We tried every type of therapy available....including a good attachment therapist. (Yes, RAD is one of his Dx's)
If I can be of any help, please feel free to 'pm' me. We have been through this for almost eight years now. I know how awful this can be.
With a 16 year old, things are really tough. The easiest way to find another family willing to take the child.
Tough Love may be able to give you names of places that can take older kids with less financing(my computer ate the list they sent me)
[url][/url] is run by a woman currantly living in Ill that understands RAD and may be able to give you some suggestions or direction to gain help
Few months ago I took a adpotion conversion class and we were told that to undo an adoption you have be considered being unfit and I guess it goes through DCFS. My adoption worker gave me a number for if my daughter would run away or act out when she is older. She also said to contact the agency and they could also help me find some help. My daughter's 15 year old brother we have not adopted yet but he gives me alot of problems such as running away, not fallowing rules, and thinks he doesn't need parents so I can only understand what your going through.
If you find another family and do a private adoption, you do not have to be found unfit. Obviously, it's discouraged for a lot of reasons first being that when you adopt the child is yours as if it were born to you. But we all know agencies don't always tell us the truth about what we need to know and sometimes it is best for the family including the child to change the situation.
Thanks to all who posted replies.
We are still in limbo here. We have been to court 3 times now & have nothing decided. He is to have a complete psychological eval done & then court again in July to review the evaluation. So much for "speedy". We still haven't hired an attorney - not sure if we will at this point.
Again, thanks to anyone who can offer any advice on this subject.
Your right the courts are not speedy at all. We have had are cousin since dec 2002 and went to the court house to see about geting custody of him in Jan 2003 and got are first court date Nov 2003 and still all we have is the court says he is to stay here in are home but no one has custody of him. He is 15 and in limbo we are adopting his sister who is 7 through foster care and hoping the brother the same way.
How long have you been foster parents? We were fp's for over 10 yrs. When we couldn't get any help - we turned our license in. Would you believe, we didn't even receive a phone call or letter thanking us or asking us if we were sure we wanted to stop or anything - after 9yrs with the same "christian" agency. It has really hurt - but then life goes on.
My hubby visits our adopted son in jail - but I have not gone to see him. I would have nothing good to say to him - so I stay away.
The system failed him. You take a child in your home & it takes forever to get them settled & it is so unfair. If the bio parents were going to change - wouldn't they change in the first few months to get their children back? But, we give them years to decide to work to get them back or let the child go. We had our dd from the age of 3 & she was adopted at age 6! And they new mom & dad were not going to get them back.
What a system.
We have been foster parents since may 2002. Right now with two of are own children we decieded we will only take relatives. That was the reason we became foster parent when Destiny came into the system that's when we wanted to adopt her. For a while I thought they where going to let someone else adopt her.
She started with an Aunt she only wanted to do it short term. Then when short term went over a 1 1/2 the Aunt couldn't do it so Destiny went to a cousin and then after being there for a month Destiny was move by the service to a foster home. When I found that out I was mad because when we had called in January 2002 the Agnecy they told us we had to get foster parent training to do so and we knew the aunt didn't want to adopt and we did if she wasn't to return home. They wouldn't let Destiny come to my house because I had just had a child is basically the reason they said to me on the phone and I was upset so about six months later I recieved a call asking me if I wanted to adopt Destiny because I was shocked I thought I had no chance of adopting her since she went to a foster family I thought they would have a first chance. The way I understand Destiny's bfather almost had her back all he had to do was get a divorce from the bmom. But his girlfriend gave him a choice his daughter or her. So that's how the system works I guess not so nice and to long. Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to tell her all of this. I'm afraid Destiny's older brother someday may join your son if the system fails him and he goes home because mom's "Changing" now.
I was wondering I don't know what state you live in but have you tried talking to DCFS not your agency about if they know of anywhere you can get help. I just reas a book called "The whole Life Adoption" I forget the author I let some one barrow it. I got it from a radio station called focus on the family it's a christian station. They have a website too. You arn't in Illinois are you because I could try to find that brocure my case worker gave me of a number to call if I needed help.
In the book it talks a little about everthing. Some about atachment disorders, about lying and stealing, behaviors and emotions of children at different ages and I'm not even doing this book any justice probably. I don't know of any of this even helps but your in my prayers.
***Our hearts are with you. The terrible secret of State adoptions is that States will not help you return the child or children in any way if they can help it once the adoption is final.
You could go back seeking significant funds to have the child placed in a Residential Facility or Treatment Program, especially since you were not informed of the child's true state.
We adopted a sibling group 19 months ago, only to find that they are brutal sexual molesters, and that they were basically sexually tortured in their Foster Home. Colorado refuses to dissolve the adoption and the children cannot be together or they try to molest.
We have been seeking to place the two oldest children for private adoption, but with a 16 year old that is unlikely for you.
We do wish you all the best, and HOW we wish the actual risks of adopting were public knowledge. We sure wouldn't have adopted if we had known.
Omg! I can so relate to you!!
Please let me know if you've found any help/resources with your adopted kids and if the dissolution went through...desperately in need of help!!
Thank you!
As someone else on these boards said, the best way to handled a dissolution is to work with a reputable agency to find a new family for the child. You can then go to court to relinquish your parental rights, and the new family can adopt him/her. That way, the child does not have to bounce around the foster care system, and can be in a home that you know will be able to meet his/her needs.
Many adoption agencies used to pretty much stop caring about families once they adopted their children. But nowadays, there's increasing awareness of dissolution, and at least a few more agencies have developed programs to help families feeling a need to dissolve their adoptions. As an example, some agencies now have waiting lists of families willing to adopt children of disrupted or dissolved adoptions. Others have developed respite care programs, so a family at their wits' end in coping with a child can take a few weeks away from them to explore their options.
I would suggest that you first contact the agency through which you adopted your child to see if it offers any help in disruption/dissolution situations. Ideally, it would offer some respite services, and then help you to find a new family for your child -- one that is prepared to deal with his/her issues. If the agency can't help, try another and then another and then another. Be persistent. At the very least, find an agency that will provide respite care, so you can take advantage of some peace and quiet time to decide whether relinquishment is your best option.
Because of your child's age, finding a new family may be very difficult, and so some agencies will not help you. But there are some that will. Back when Barb Holtan was with Tressler Lutheran Services, she was amazing at finding homes for the children of disruption/dissolution, but she is retired now; still, it's worth calling Tressler to see if it is currently doing anything to help families like yours. You might also want to contact ATTACH, a support group for families of children with RAD and similar disorders. Many parents of children with severe RAD have to find options that will keep the other children in their family safe, or that will keep their own sanity and marriages intact.
If you cannot find a reputable agency to help you, or if your child's needs are so intense that he/she cannot stay in ANY kind of a family situation -- for example, if he/she is so violent that he/she is a danger to himself/herself or other people and needs 24 hour a day supervision -- he/she may need to go into a residential treatment center (RTC), either temporarily or for several years. It is not easy to find good care of this sort -- or to afford it if you find it. Unfortunately, many families have had to release their seriously disordered child to the state in order to get him/her the care he/she needs. While that should be viewed as a last resort, it IS an option, even if you have to retain a lawyer to help you convince the state that relinquishment is the only way the child will get the care he/she needs.
While no one should make the decision to relinquish lightly, I am a firm believer that relinquishment CAN be in the best interests of some children and some families. I certainly won't be disparaging you if you need to choose this option, try your best to find a family or care situation that will offer a safe, therapeutic environment, and try to maintain at least some contact over the years.
I hope the child gets the parents she deserves, parents who actually want her, even if they manage to have later had their “own” biological baby. I truly hope she never sees these posts, but if she is that direly ill, thankfully she likely won’t be on the internet. Please talk to the state about surrending rights to the child. She deserves parents that want her, not that resent her
Surely there are ways to surrender a baby to the state, even if you adopted them as a special needs child.
Children can all be overwhelming, but they deserve to have parents that want them, even if they aren’t convenient. For those unable to care for a child, talk to a lawyer or social worker about surrending them to foster care/the state/etc. They deserve parents that want them and that are able to care for them.