contact with adoptive mom

Just as hard as it was for you to have to let another women into your child's life it is equally as hard for adoptive mom's to let go of their child. There is just as much emotions for us as it is for you. When my daughter first met her birthmom it was soooo scary for me. I felt soooo abandoned and angry. I was scared and now for good reason. My daughter moved in with her birthparents and rarely contacts us. The pain is excrutiating at times. I wanted to meet her birthparents and I did. All my fears and anger melted because I felt an instant bond for the two wonderful people who gave birth to my daughter. I wanted to embrace them in every way. I invited them to dinner. The 3 of them walked off without me. I wasn't the perfect mom but I was a good mom. I loved my daughter and gave her my life and now she is gone. I wanted to talk about her birthfamily but she just can't handle two relationships at a time. I am crushed. Please don't be angry at us for having scary emotions that may come out as anger. Give us a chance as I gave her birthparents a chance and found out I really liked them. I say give the adoptive mom a chance and write her. What is the worse that could happen? Help her feel comfortable. It will help your son. If adoptive mom refuses, at least you tried. Maybe she just needs time, as I did. love4

Hi constancel, If your son is OK about it I would say go ahead and try.I am a reunited(and now estranged) adoptee and adoptive parent.My birth mum wanted to meet my adoptive mum but my adoptive mum did not want this.It is a tough job for an adoptee to have a relationship with both mums if there are any resentments between the 2 mums. I don't know if there are books about or counselling for these situations,but I imagine there could be difficult feelings on all sides.The bmum meets the woman who had all the "special" moments with her child.The adoptive mum faces her guilt that she may be responsible for the bmums pain.Maybe each mum feels they need to "compete" for the adoptees affection. I think each member of the triad could need outside help to deal with any issues that arise. good luck

Lane, I am sorry things didn't go well for you either. It would be nice if we could all embrace each other and I was willing to do that. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter tries to keep me away because those are HER birthparents. I have tried to accomodate and be sensitive to all of us. After all, I wouldn't have my daughter had it not been for the ones who gave birth to her. And in the same sense they would not have their daughter had it not been for me. I loved and nurtured the little one they gave birth to. It was very hard for me in the beginning but I have grown to embrace all of us. I wish my daughter could see that and let me back in. I am very hurt that her birthparents have not made any attempt to embrace me. Her birthdad did when I called him. He was very sweet. We made plans for dinner and then my daughter made it sound like they really didn't want to. Maybe they want to be a part but my daughter is keeping us from each other. Sometimes I want to write them and sometimes I am angry and hurt. It's hard isn't it? I am working on letting go and moving on. Choosing to walk in peace. love4

I agreewith love 4. I ama aparent. I haveadopted 3 children who arelate teens and early twneties. With all the ups and downs that come with raising a child I would b very very angry (not jealous) if suddenly the bparent comes dancing back into my child's life and my child starts calling them mom! Where was THIS mom when MY child was sick and I stayed up all night with them? Where was THIS mom when I worrid sick whthr or not MY child was going to pass a test or th SATs? Where was this mom when I had to figure out how to make ends meet and to give my child the best I could? You see, as far as I'm concerned, you cannot wave a magic wand and expect to b acceptd and that it's gonna be one big happy family. The aparent did all the hard work and now the bmother wants to waltz back in. Your birth son wants to protect his mom because he probably knows that although he may want to know you he is still her son and that she is still his mom!

Whoa! There's a lot of information on these forums on the importance of birthfamily to adoptees- and that MOST of us adoptees who search or attempt to reunite with birthfamily would lke to SUPPLEMENT, not SUPPLANT our adoptive families. It isn't anything like having a fairy godmother swoop in and "take over" for our adoptive moms. I'd encourage you to read many of the threads out here so you're prepared for when your own children may want to search (this is something you should try to prepare yourself for- they may want to and you need to be prepared to understand how to deal with your anger) There are plenty of amoms out here who have been through this stuff and have great outlooks and lots of wisdom, I hope you can learn a bit from them. Bparents (and adoptees who wish to know them) are not the enemy.

dcraw: As a b-mom, I am kind of offended by this mentality. I sense a lot of anger in your post, although I'm not sure if it's due to a negative experience in your family. I can't speak for all b-moms, but I can speak for myself and the ones I have come to know. Not one of us is expecting to "waltz" anywhere and wave a magic wand. I have great respect for my daughter's a parents. I do not want to be called "mom", and there is no way possible I could even try to replace my daughter's a-mom in her life, nor do I want to. I personally don't know a b-mom who feels that way either. I did not know when my daughter was sick. If I did, I would have been there if asked. I pray that my daughter is successful in life. I would support her family in whatever way they would feel comfortable. I've thought about her everyday of her life, and the b-moms I know have as well. And when I wanted to give my child the best I could, her a-mom was there to provide that for her. And I could never be more grateful that she was. I have written my daughter's a-mom, and I am fortunate that she is a wonderful person who is compassionate enough to want to share information about DD with me. I don't doubt that it's scary for her, just as it's scary for me to ask to be a part of their lives. But I'm willing to work within their comfort zone to build a relationship with them. It's not going to be easy, I don't expect to dance in and expect everyone to accept me and love me and cater to me. It will take hard work and respect and understanding, like any relationship would. But my coming into their lives does not replace or invalidate her a-mom's place in her life. Nothing ever could. What it does do is give everyone an opportunity to celebrate this girl's life and share with one another the love they feel for her. And hopefully, one day it will give my daughter an opportunity to know me in a non threatening, supportive atmosphere. Again, I can't speak for all b-moms, and I respect how you would feel in that situation as you are entitled to your feelings. But I did want to chime in for all the birthmoms I do know that feel as I do, In my experience we are not what you imagine us to be. Iniongrin, thank you for saying b-mom's are not the enemy. Maybe I AM in a fantasy world, but with love and respect for one another, for a choice that was made in love why do we have to take sides?

I'm right in that world with you, BrownEyes....I feel blessed to have both a loving adoptive family and a new gaggle of biological relatives I am fortunate to get to know. I have more love coming AT me and coming OUT of me than I know what to do with. My cup runneth over and I am so thankful. I wish more people could understand that it isn't about swooping in and replacing.

Raising our children was a blessing,not a chore.We were blessed to waltz WITH them. Their parents are not the enemy.I think writing to her would be a good thing.

[quote=constancel]I have been in reunion with my birth son for one year now. His adoptive mother gave him the information needed to find me, but has been less than enthusiastic about the reunion. She has told him, lately, that she is happy it is going well, and has opened the door to talking with him about it. Since their relationship has been strained for a long time, he has not chosen to discuss it with her. I am considering writing a letter to her to see if she would be interested in corresponding with me. When we met, my son brought me books and about adoption to read so that I could understand better his feelings. However, he has not done this with his adoptive mother. I think he is trying to protect her. I think she should be allowed to decide for herself whether or not to be involved in this new relationship/adventure. The idea of my writing to her is ok with him. My question is - does this seem like a good idea to any of you, and if so, how much should I include in this first correspondence?[/quote] One of the challenges in my reunion has been my bson's amom; it was difficult for her to feel comfortable with D having a relationship with me beyond getting medical info. Her husband has been much more open from the beginning. I have tried to make it clear that I have no intention (or desire) to replace her. (Not that D would let me!) D and his wife invite the whole family (a & b) to gatherings like birthday celebrations so we've gotten to spend some time together. D calls me Kathy not mom which helps I'm sure. I do try to make sure when we're both together she's grandma (which she is). I get snuggle time when I visit alone. (I also have other grandkids; D's are her only ones right now.) I think writing to her is an excellent idea. I sent D's amom a Mother's Day card that I had made. (I don't remember what all I said.) She told me later that she had shared it with a young woman in her office who is an amom in a supposedly open adoption (apparently the bmom is avoiding contact.) Her co-worker said she hoped she'd get a note like it some day. It made me feel like I did something right! I'm in the fantasy world with browneyes. I believe that there's more than enough love to go around and that each new relationship enriches us. I never want to replace D's amom (I usually don't bother with the a) I simply want my own (unique) relationship with him. I'm including a picture of D's amom with D's daughter.

I hope you are not forgetting that their biological mothers were their only mothers for the first 9 months of their lives. They were (and in my opinion still are) moms who were trying to figure out how to give their child the best they could also, which meant allowing someone else to raise him or her. My mom--and I am referring to my natural mother--worried about me constantly. Did I go to a good loving home? WHat about medical information? Her child was growing up without that and she was frightened about that. Was I okay? Was I a successful student? She marked every milestone in my life, and when I talk to her now she says things like, "When you were 12, I...." I have always been with her and she has always been with me. I get that what you are saying here indicates that the only reason someone can refer to someone else as "mom" is because that person is physically present doing the "hard work". Well, your child didn't ask to be adopted. I think adoptive parents need to allow the child to make their own decisions about what they want to refer to the people in their life as.

dcraw,I am slightly offended by this because that was not the case for my family. I am an adoptee who has found part of my birth family and i want you to know that I was very lucky to have support from my parents. My mom KNOWS that no matter what she will always be my mom. She also knows that it is possible to love more than one person. I never, never, searched for a replacement for the family I already have. I searched for history that was PART OF ME and I have been able to ADD to my family.