Unsupportive Family

Hi everyone! I was here about a week ago and typed this long post and then it got lost in space somewhere so now I'm back to try again! I'm the one who started this thread over 2 and a half years ago. Pretty cool that it's still going and people like me have a place for support when family isn't giving it to you. I have updates!!! My family was not supportive at all before I adopted my son. After I finished my training classes through the state and was licenced, I got the call for my gorgeous son. I called everyone and was on cloud nine. No one liked the name I picked out and I was worried that they were not going to treat him like one of the family. Well, everyone fell in love at first sight. I am a single person with TWO babies now. Let me reassure you that things change when the baby is home. No one could keep their hands off my son! I got gifts and all kinds of stuff. My kids are also black but no one in my family has ever had a problem with that. They love my kids for who they are. They are a precious part of our family and I'm so happy that they are loved and I am accepted as a mother. A year after my son was with me I got the call for his newborn bio sister. I was not expecting another child but got the call out of the blue. They wanted to know if I wanted this new baby and I had to tell them right THEN! They brought her to my home the NEXT day! My family again thought I was INSANE. A single parent to two kids under two! But I'm glad I just said yes and didn't call my family to ask their opinions. I am SO glad that my kids are growing up together and share that bio adopted child bond. My daughter is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and boy does she have my dad wrapped around her finger. My son will be THREE in July and my daughter will be two in August. Time sure has flown by. But I wanted to give you all hope that families CAN change and if anything will make a person change it's a baby! Good luck on your journey everyone! Keep the faith!:p

Here are my kids now. Who would have known things would have turned out this good. Don't give up guys!

They are gorgeous! Thanks for sharing... I too, feel that once my child is home...evrything will change.

Congratulations!!! Your children are beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing-what a beautiful story& happy family you've created!!

I'm new here and this is my first post... I know the original topic is ooooold, but thought I'd chime in! I am a 31 year old single parent to six adopted kids via State foster care - three boys ages 3, 10 and 12 1/2, and three girls ages 4 1/2, 9 and 11. My family was supportive at first... struggled as I took in more kids... then finally gave up and accepted as I adopted my fifth and sixth kids. I'm no longer in foster care but I'm in the process of doing a homestudy, as I would like to adopt two older children who are waiting in foster care. And at this point I know for a fact my family will FREAK OUT over my decision. I've talked with my kids about it and they are all for it, I have their blessings and support. But I haven't told my parents yet, because I can just hear all the objections they'll raise! I'm not looking forward to telling them... willl do after the homestudy is approved and we get things underway with future adoptions... The social worker and I have discussed a few kids so once we decide which ones to persue, then I will let my parents know. I'm worried they'll pull away while I adopt, which will be sad for my kids, put I know they'll accept things in time (I hope!) But I gotta do what my heart calls me to do!!! Wish me luck! :~) Kelly

Thanks for the kind words everyone! We are quite the happy family. And all I can say is WOW Kelly! How DO you do it? I'm a single 33 year old who has a tough time with TWO little ones. Do you work? How do you support all of them?! I gotta give you props girl! And like you said, families give us grief in the beginning, but how can you not fall in love with a child, right?

LOL I find one or two kids much more difficult than 4! Once you hit 4, 5, 6... it's all the same! There's not much difference between 4 kids and 6 or 8! LOL! For MY "play" money, I work part time a few hours a week (during school hours only) at a daycare, and can bring my young kids with. But honestly, for the most part, the kids' adoption subsidies pay the bills. All of my kids were considered "special needs" in State foster care, so they all have hefty subsidies to support them. And in fact none of my kids really have "special needs" - two of them have ADHD... but really they got that "label" because they were not caucasion and belonged to sibling groups, for the most part! Anyways that allows me to be home with them as much as I need to be! I love being able to see them out the door in the morning, and being able to pick them up from school afterwards, plus have time for their appointments, school activities, etc! People always say I must be busy busy busy, but I don't feel like I am. In fact, sometimes I'm at a loss for something to do (unless you consider housework... which is not my first choice of a way to spend my time! LOL!) :~) Kelly

Five years ago I was a driven, career-oriented 32 year old woman whose mother asked on a regular basis "are you getting out and meeting any nice men?" Four years ago I got sick....an autoimmune disease where my immune system attacks my muscles. I went from being highly active to needing a scooter to get around. Medically, my disease is and will remain under control. I no longer have physical issues, but remain on medication. My wonderful mother flew to my home several times at the onset of the disease, and I think has never recovered from the experience. It scared her to death. I am now very happy in my career, which keeps me busy and financially secure but not consumed. I decided to act on a life-long secret wish, which was to adopt. My family FREAKED. My mother (normally the most supportive individual) cried and actually told me not to expect her to support this insanity. My father ranted about how selfish it was to take on children in a single-parent household. My brother wanted to know why I had to go through CPS - he actually asked me why I simply didn't go to another country and buy a child like Madonna. Considering my parents fostered when I was a child and my mother WAS a foster child, I was completely caught off guard by this reaction. This is literally the first time in my life I have not had my parents complete support. I am continuing, regardless, but not having their support leaves me feeling very shaky. Does this get better after adoption??

"Does this get better after adoption??" Sometimes yes, sometimes no. You have to assume that the child(ren) will be your sole responsibility. Make sure you build a support system - does not have to be family... Best wishes - this (foster/adopt) is hard stuff. But, the most rewarding thing I have ever done.....

sdiedre, It all depends on your family. My family is very opposed to the idea of adoption. Even when I was married they didn't want me to adopt. But I knew once my son or daughter came home, they would be fine and they were. My mom still doesn't believe in adoption, but she is madly in love with my son. He gave her a new lease on life that she hadn't even known she needed. When my second adoption came along, once again she was unsupportive but she loves my daughter like crazy. Sometimes the negativity gets to me so I keep things sometimes to myself until they are close to happening. My son's adoption through the state took 19 months and 2 days to finalize and sometimes the negative comments got to me. I needed to stay and think positively about the outcome. Right now, I'm on the waiting list for number 3. I haven't told my mom about that one yet. But I guess i'll have to tell when I start packing my bags to go to Vietnam to get Layla. Sometimes families never come around and that's when if you allow it others come into your life who become family to you. I have friends, met people through support groups, online adoption groups, who have been 100% every step of the way in my adoptions. And on the plus side, the understand what I"m going through. Understand the craziness of the system. Understand the craziness of the adoption world as a whole. This journey is not for the faint of heart and you have to surround yourself with people who will love and encourage you not bring you down.

:thanks: for posting this - here I was thinking I was the only one with a family like that! I am adopting my daughter from Guatemala and although my mom has been very supportive - oh the rest of the family...we don't live close so perhaps that will help if they don't come around... Here is the best quote I have heard: :popcorn: "Your too old - I had my daughter at your age and look how she turned out!" by no one other than my grandmother.:coffee: Since then she has realized that my daughter and I will be fine. Blessings!

Hi, I too want to say congratulations. I will be finalizing my 2 sons this summer. I am a single mother who is 40. I heard it all too. One friend actually told me I was being selfish by adopting, because if I really wanted to be a mother I should have a child. Nice huh? My parents said they would not watch the kids or give financial help. My brother said it would be too much. I said. I want to be a mother, I wanted to adopt before I was 40 and I was going through with it. My 2 sons came on an emergency move. My parents were at my brothers in New Mexico at the time. They were all shocked. I was lucky to have the boys all to myself for the first week to get adjusted somewhat to just me. When my parents met them they were overwhelmed with the love for them. My brother hasn't met them yet (we are going on our year anniversary next week) and they will meet for the first time at his wedding in Mexico, but he talks to them once a week. My parents are all about the boys. Especially the number one naysayer - My dad. He does everything for them, things he didn't even do with my brother and me. You family is scared. They don't know and they are only fearing the worse. You will find that once they are apart of your life and your family realizes they aren't going anywhere, they will love them. It may take time. Oh and be forewarned, people that you wouldn't believe will be really supportive and your bestfriends may crumble. I was shocked to lose 2 best friends, but have learned that 3 of my other friends are always there. So life will change, because this is life changing. And your life is going to be so blessed. It was the greatest decision I've ever made. And it is hard, and it sometimes seems like stuff never ends. But you will be strong and get through it. Good Luck!

You think people look at you funny for wanting to adopt...try being a single (divorced) dad! You would not believe some of the comments made by family and friends. Well...that was 10 sons ago! When I adopted my first couple of sons, everything was ok. Now, as time goes on, my parents have stopped being as supportive. My mother questions me the most and I do what she wishes she could have done! She always asks me if "I am done". I finally told her that God has not said I am done. She quit asking that question. Sadly, my mother and father never spend as much time with us (my boys and I) as they do with their "bio" grandchildren. I never let the boys know that. But I do remember...and keep my parents at a distance now. The boys have been hurt enough in the past. I won't let them be hurt by my family. I work to hard to fill the boys lives with people who love them and care for them as I do. It is painful to see others who suffer with families that do not support them. I doubt that things will ever change in my family.

My mom was supportive of my desire to adopt-but I recently found out that one of my sisters (and Godmother to Hanna) has been bashing me to my mother since Hanna was born. When I recently lost a sitter (with no notice), my mother told my sister and she responded "It's her own fault. She put herself in this situation by adopting as a single mom" -and even said "She didn't ask us (meaning extended family) before adopting again". I didn't know I needed their permission. And it really hurts because my sister seemed supportive when talking to me and would tell me how excited she was to be Hanna's godmother. But then Hanna's birthday came and went without even a card-and that's when my mother told me how E really feels. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. But I'm not going to let E dictate how I live my life, either. The only really worry I have is this: If something happens to me, will the girls be okay? I have my brother listed as guardian (and his wife is okay with this) and my Mom would help him. But I still worry about it. I really, really, really, need to live until they are grown. If I adopt again, he probably will not want to remain listed as possible guardian. He was okay when it was just Maire-Kate. He sort of hemmed & hawed when it was M-K & Hanna but said "okay". If I adopt again and he says no, I'm not sure what to do-because the girls would have to stay together. For those single parents with more than two kids, how did you handle the whole guardianship issue with your Will?

Kat-L, Do you have any really close and trusted friends who would be willing to take the girls and stay in touch with your family? I have 3 sets of married friends who have offered to be my children's guardians. I'm working on number 3 now My first choice is and was my sister, but she had a surprise third child and has become a widow. I know she would handle 6 kids like a charm, but.... I'm glad to know I have other choices.