well bmom you've served your purpose, now GO AWAY!

Skinnylou ~ Kiwi deep-sixed it. :D

and hopefully deep sixed the author of that horrible post...

well it was interesting to see another point of view.. it is just sad that it had to be worded with that kind of anger. :confused:

whew......I thought my eyes were going! Guess it's a good thing, must have been something that would have set me on my ear. Have a good day!

I agree, if you don't want to stick to what you agree w/ the bmother, then don't accept the adoption--no matter how desperate you are for a baby. The Aparents have just as much of a choice (open/closed) as the birthparents, if it's not something you feel you can live with, don't do it. And having a child live a lie, isn't that just as bad as an unfit parent depriving a child??

Katie... How are you doing? I havent seen you post for a couple days... hope everything is still going good for you!

Michelle~ Things are well thanks. Went up-north to visit friends over the holiday. Hope things are well for you and you had a yummy Turkey Day! I see you have a new pic. *hugs*:cool:

Yep! New pic, for now... That one's my dad with the daughter I parent. Took it on our last visit with Kara and her family. Turkey was yummy. Glad when my family finally left for the day though. So... next time your going up north... need any company? ;)

Michelle~ I live up-north compared to you(Michigan). You are welcomed any time. If your daughter wants a penpal, my youngest, Karlie, is all for it. There is a 6 year difference, though. I was a surrogate mom for my best friend in 94 and 97, so Karlie knows the feelings of losing 3 brothers to adoption. She could be your daughters long distance angel. She experienced adoption at age 2, 5 and 11. Just a suggestion.:D *hugs*

I cringe at the thought that some adoptive parents may consider us mere baby factories or incubators. I personally loved my daughter from the first moment I realized I was pregnant. I would sing to her and read stories and tell her about the world. I would eat right and exercise so that she would be healthy. She was my private little paradise. When I finally had to divulge to my parents that I was pregnant I never once thought I would be forced to give away the most precious thing in my life. Between my parents forcing me and the adoption agency using all forms of coersion under the sun including, but not limited to, having me sign a pre-consent form before she was born to keeping me fully sedated for two whole days so that when what I thought was the fourth day was really the sixth and too late to change my mind. I haven't been actually angry all these years, but more in a state of shock. Some birth mothers have actually been diagnosed with post tramatic stress syndrome after having been forced to place a child for adoption. I think that I was one of them. I didn't get angry until I recently requested ALL of my records from the adoption agency and hospital. Why did I have to go through completely natural child birth only to be knocked out after she was born and tranquilized for two days? Why wasn't I given independant legal counsel when signing those papers .. and how the heck can a minor (16) be held to a contract at all and how much money did the agency make from the adoption??? This very harsh life lesson has caused me years of problems, ... being overweight, distrusting, self medicating at times, depression, guilt, self loathing .. I could go on and on. Why weren't we told the risks? I wish we could sue for some sort of malpractice. I have a pact with my husband that if our daughter gets pregnant we will simply deal with it within our family. Adoption will not be an option.

it has been well over a year since I wrote this, alot has changed, I have stopped hating myself and have became more at peace with it. I say more at peace because I still have days, moments, sometimes weeks, where it will still haunt me and I will disect everything I did and if I did the right thing. I have forgiven the aparents. I am sure it was fear that made them shut me out. I have to believe that. I am so tired of having all the hate in my heart for them. I often wonder if I will ever be content or totally at peace. :confused: I thank everyone for replying to this thread. Until I came here, I thought I was totally alone. ( I am also glad that the person who left the thoughtful messages in my private message box was banned. )

I read all the pages of the post. I wish you much peace. And I am glad that you and the others posted what you did.I am changed because of it.

There are adoptive parents who have adopted children removed from their biological parents homes for reasons of abuse and neglect. In many of these cases, it's in the childrens' best interests not to have contact with their families of origin. I've adopted three times; twice privately, and now foster-to-adopt. Our son's adoption was open and we hoped for a relationship with the mother. I sent pictures for the first two years every other month or so. When I learned she dropped out of sight, I only sent them every six months. Now, I send a picture once a year and try to update the agency everytime we move. The door is always open and I hope she will come back into his life. We are disappointed she chose not to stay in contact, but perhaps one day she's going to want to come back. For my daughter, she suffered abuse. My son, whose adoption will be final in two months, there was no significant bonding and he fears his mother, according to reports. I have ambivlance about my daughter's heritage, honestly. I choose not to tell her about the bad things I know, and will leave that to her birth mother, if she chooses to find her. I don't feel it's my place to defame her to this child. I simply tell her that she loved her so much she gave her a future. We bless her in prayers. For my youngest son, I'm still working through a lot of feelings. We are fostering the younger sister, and she could be reunited with this family. However, it'still pretty clear this isn't in the children's best interests. The family continues to have issues, and there are multiple children no longer being parented in this situation. I've sent updated pictures for his file. I think I will also send letters and picturs every year, but without identifying information. I'm sorry for birth parents who feel misled by adoptive parents. Some of us do try to live up to our promises.

Well, It sounds like there's a lot of pain going on here. Do you know what really helped me? Joint and individual counseling. I went through a non-profit agency that was centered around my values (and the values of my daughter's APs). Before AND after my daughter was born we had joint sessions and individual sessions. No, it wasn't always convienent...in fact, babysitting and transportation had to be arranged, work had to be notified and plans had to be rescheduled...but it was worth it. In counseling we were able to figure out the things that we didn't even realize were problems. We aquired a skill to articulate our feelings effectively and politely without screaming or threats. We learned discretion...and that some of our feelings and comments could be shared while others could not. We figured out what to do with the thoughts that we could not share in individual sessions and we were given courage to talk about the ones that we could share in our joint meetings. Lots of issues were resolved and some were created, but we were in an environment of honesty and openness, each with an advocate, and each given the tools to mend and build a relationship. It could be that you have insecurity issues and need to have those resolved through counseling (with a legal, certified counselor that preferably specializes in open adoption- very specific to your needs). It probably is the case that your son's birthmother also needs a great deal of counseling. She has lost a child to adoption, gone through a divorce and is single-parenting. If she is willing I'm sure it would be a great benefit to her to start working through some of her life issues. If anything it couldn't hurt, right? And once you both have had some individual time working through your issues with a professional 3rd party I would reccomend taking your advocates and having a meeting all together. I realize that may not help all people, but it certainly has helped a LOT of people that I have known (including myself). I believe that the sheer amount of work and counseling I put into myself and my relationship with my daughter and her family has turned me into what the agency and my daughter's AP's call "an exceptional birthmother" (whether that's really true or not). It probably just means that I try really hard to maintain a relationship and it is not always easy (in fact, it rarely is)...but good relationships take a lot of time and work and being willing to put both in makes anyone exceptional. There is one book I especially like. It's "Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption" by James L. Gritter. I think I got the title correct. Anyway, it's not just for birthmothers to read...in fact, it would not have made too much sense to me before I placed my little girl. It's written so that anyone can understand the perspective of a birthmother (and it covers a lot of different angles and types of birthmother). It's a relatively short book and is EXTREMELY helpful in understanding one's self and the birthmother. It helped me put into words a lot of things that were true about myself...and I've heard comments from adoptees and APs alike that it gives great perspective and helps them know how to talk to a birthmother. These are just suggestions...and I hope they help. By the way, I'm proud of my daughter and I do not have any problem referring to her as "my daughter ______" when talking about her in front of family or friends. In public, in front of my daughter and her family or when talking to people who do not know that she has been placed into a loving adoptive home I do refer to her as her first name, my birthdaughter or something to that effect. I still claim her as my flesh and blood but still (heavy-heartedly) reinforce that her APs are, in fact, her parents, her last name has changed to match her family's and that she will forever and always be their daughter too. It's common courtesy to not call her my own in public or around her family (and they know I love her more than anything-so I don't need to state that at all) but in my private world I know that I gave birth to her and that sometimes...I can still remember that in those words "my daughter."