Unsupportive Adoptive Mother

Hi Nicole, I agree with kiwi that you should let your amom know upfront now that your bmother and her husband will be there. It gives her plenty of time to adjust to it. She might be mad at first, but would she want to miss her daughter's wedding??? I doubt it. I am both a bmother and an amother. I am in a wonderful reunion with my bson and while I don't have the wedding situation to contend with (he was 27 and already married) we do have to deal with his amother not be real supportive of the situation. His afather was supportive of the search, but his mother wasn't. We've met and have been at several functions together, but it was VERY uncomfortable. Like they didn't want anyone to know who I was. She's usually very friendly when we get together, but certain situations 'set her off'. We were invited for a 'family party' for my son's birthday and she was VERY unfriendly to everyone. And the next day she was very nasty to my son and daughter-in-law, saying that this was a very special occasion and SHE (meaning me, of course) shouldn't have been there. I was very hurt by that and was upset for weeks. I finally talked to a friend who is a pastor and told him the situation. And he asked me if I could just forget it and go on, as it's not MY problem, it was hers. He said there is nothing that my son or I can do to change how she feels and that this is something she will have to work out for herself. And I think that pretty much pertains to your situation too. Your amother just has to deal with her feelings and you fussing about it won't change things. My opinion (and it's only MY opinion!) is that you should tell her that you're inviting your bmother and her family and let it go at that.

Hey girls, Thank you SO much for your many replies. I am sorry I didn't get back sooner, we were out of town and then I have been looking at new houses and not been on the computer. I was really impressed with the replies I recieved and thought that I should probably clarify better my situation, which I am assuming I didn't state clearly at the start. I apologize. Ok, I have been reunited with my birth mom for 8 years. When I was searching for my birth mother, I told my adoptive mother and her only words were "I always knew YOU would." (I have a younger adopted brother as well) She never hid the fact from me that I was adopted, but I remember thinking it was unacceptable to tell just "anyone", though I Remember talking to friends about it and I know many people DID know about the fact that her kids were adopted. During my search I found out many disturbing facts about my b.family over the years and I shared them with my adoptive mother. Her reply at that time (yes more than 8 years ago) was "If we had known all that, we'd have never taken you. Why didn't they tell us?" I was floored. Unfortunately that wasn't the best thing to say to me because I resent her for that. She never apologized and it still haunts me often. My a. mom and I don't have the closest relationship anyway. I try very hard to maintain what there is but we are two VERY diff. people. She is quiet, private, and lives a fairly "stuck-up" (I cannot think of another word because she isn't exactly "snobbish" but close) life. I on the other hand, am high-energy, loud, and pretty much happy go lucky. That has made for hard times throughout all my life. (funny I am just like my b.mom!) A little over a month ago, we got a chance to spend some time together without my children around just her and I, in another state, (cousin's wedding) and she sat across the table from me during a nice breakfast (at least i was enjoying it) and said "You know, I can only take about 10 minutes of you at a time and then I need a long break" I just stared at her. I had no idea what to say and what she expected me to say so I finally just said "Yeah I think I kinda got that, thanks." And that was it. She tells me all the time I need to calm down (well 'scuse me, but I like who I am and so does my friends, birth family and my fiance). Nobody else is trying to change me, why must she? I don't spend time trying to change her! Even though I don't understand her, I'm not changing her! Geez. Anyway, Since that comment many years ago about not "taking me", I have refrained from discussing my birth mother and family with her. It has popped into conversations accidentally over time, but I don't act weird about it and I just act as if it's normal and move on. (See it IS Normal in my life and I feel like I am living two lives). Yes, I am afraid if I tell my a.mom that my b.mom is coming to my wedding (She's making my cake topper!) she won't come. Yes, I very much want her there. Yes there is plenty of time to hopefully take the "sting" away. YES my mother knows by now that she means the world to me (I call her daily, tell her I love her ALL the time, call to check up on her, call when I'm worried about her, in fact if anything I'm probably annoying her!) But she lives in a hoighty toighty world that I don't belong to - here lemme explain - they have three jaguars and an elante between her and my step dad. They live in a HUGE house in a classy neighborhood. I'm probably AVERAGE. She won't come to my house, she doesn't make time for me (for my kids she does), I generally just annoy her and I know that, but I cannot let her go and I know she knows that too. I include her in EVERY decision I make. I include her in EVERYTHING i can possibly include her in! We invite her to every school function, usually she doesn't come. Then there's my bio mom. This woman would fly in daily to see me if she could. She writes me loved filled letters several times a week, we call each other once a week (sometimes twice a week) and talk for hours. We have SO much in common and our relationship has never faultered for a moment. Her love is so present it's scary. When I call she drops everything and gives me her undivided attention. She's there when I want to talk about something (a.mom NEVER wants to hear about my problems or be someone I can bounce ideas off). I'm one huge disappointment to one mother and the best thing that has ever happened to another mother. It's weird and I hate it. My birth mom is SO awesome when I talk about my a. mom. She looks at everything from both angles, she said she'd be fine with not coming to my wedding to protect my a.mom's feelings, but that is NOT what my fiance or I want. We want her there. I just don't know how to go about dealing with the whole thing. I mean, who's going to know she's my biological mother? ok, so we look ALOT alike, but I don't think anyone will notice! And I don't know how to talk to my a.mom. LOL I sound so whiney and I Don't mean to, I am just so confused and torn. I love both of my mother's dearly and want them BOTH There just as much, so that makes things a bit hard. If I didn't answer something, please let me know and I promise to reply a lot quicker. Thanks guys for all your support AND advice!! Nicole

Wow.... (I keep introducing myself all the time, hopefully my introduction always is the same) - I am an a-mom in an open relationship with b-mom. My dd is only 7 years old, so a wedding is very, very far off! but I expect that b-mom will be there, and I of course would never have a problem with that. There's no comparing open era to closed though. I believe that some a-moms of the closed era are simply incapable of accepting their child's birthparent. I think the largest problem here is your own relationship with your a-mom, and it sounds pretty toxic. How sad. So the only experience I can offer you, is what happened when I got married. My parents divorced when I was 18. I have enjoyed an excellent relationship with my mom all my life; my dad was pretty tough during my growing up years, and after the divorce, I only saw him occasionally, like Christmas. When I was planning my wedding at age 24, I asked him to walk me down the aisle. He refused, saying he would not do it knowing that my mother would be in the church. I was so upset with him, and considered asking my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, but I didn't - hubby and I decided to alter tradition, and the bridal party all walked down the aisle in partners, us last, and no one gave me away. (Which wasn't really a huge loss for me anyway, I think the 'giving away' part is too medieval). Our video shows the moment when, signing the register or whatever, I look up into the balcony and see my dad up there, with his wife and his sister (no other guests up there, all were on the main floor - to this day, I don't know how he managed to convince the church to let him up into the closed balcony, but whatever). I was crying then, I just thought it was awful that he couldn't sit in the same church as his ex-wife, even when there were 300 other people in there. But - He did come, didn't he? On his terms, I guess, but I didn't really have to sacrifice anything I wanted. I've often wondered, if I'd said, I won't tell Mom I'm getting married, will you walk me down the aisle then. He probably would've. But there was no, no way it was going to happen that way. As in your situation - your mom will come but only if birthmom doesn't. And you want them both there. And you should. So you have the same sort of not-close relationship with your mom that I had with my dad. You need to say to her, This Is My Wedding and I Choose The Guest List. I Will Invite My Birthmother. If You Choose To Sit In The Balcony, I Will Still Be Glad To See You There. I Want You To Share In My Day. I Want My Birthmother To Share In My Day. This Is How It Is. As a peace offering, could you allow your a-mom some special part in the celebration? Although I suspect that she will be so unhappy with the fact that birthmom will be there, that she will refuse any part of it. I'm just thinking, if in the traditional introduction of the wedding party and parents, if the acknowledgement of her as the bride's mother would make her more comfortable. I wouldn't probably make a formal introduction of your birthmother as your birthmother (but how wonderful that so many in your wedding party are eager to meet her!) Toxic relationship aside, I think your mom is just of an era where birthmothers never reappeared, and I'm not saying that's right, but that's where she is. If you can string together enough words to say, You are my mother, I want you there, I hope you'll be a part of the ceremony, but I am going to have my birthmother in attendance. Any help? I know, it's a very tough situation. I wish you the best. And congrats!!! Babs

When we got married we were concerned about my husbands mom and step mom both being at the wedding.. in 20 years they have never been able to be in the same room.. my husband basically told both of them how much he loved them.. but that this was our wedding and he wanted to invite them both and have them both there.. he told them both that they were more than welcome to attend and he wanted them there but ONLY if they would behave.. if they did not, they would be asked to leave. They both came.. his mom was VERY nice to all (includind dad and step mom).. dad and stepmom were ok, but stayed "distant".. to this day they say they regret not being more adult and enjoying more of the "festivities" simply becasue they could not "get along".. So.. if you want them both there., and you don't want to "choose" between them.. let your mom's know that and invite them both.. then its up to them to "behave" .. maybe one thing to tell your a-mom (if its ok with you) is that SHE will be the "mother of the bride" that day.. and that your b-mom will be a close family friend.. and no one will steal "her thunder".. but again.. only if thats ok with you.. Good luck and let us know what you decide.. Mandy

I get so angry when I read letters from Adoptees whose a-family (especially Mom) continue to hang a guilt trip on them for wanting a relationship with their biological family. You don't PURCHASE children; you adopt another person's child to raise and love and nurture. You don't OWN a child, either biological or adopted. If you truly LOVE your adopted child, you will do all in your power to make his/her life as happy as possible---even to the point of sharing her/him with her/his biological family...ESPECIALLY to that point. Sorry, but I have little compassion for adoptive parents who won't understand a natural attachment and natural need to KNOW your own identity. I'm a birthmother! My daughter's parents were a wonderful, mature couple who understood that our daughter was MY daughter too. Even though we didn't know one another at the time of the adoption (and through her first 32 years of her life), when our daughter reunited with me in December 1986, her entire A-family-- Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother-- welcomed me as a part of their family. They weren't just cordial, they were warm and caring. My daughter's mom raised her to love and respect me. She told me that throughout our daughter's growing up years she frequently thought of me. Ironically, it was she who helped to make the reunion happen. My daughter's mom and dad shared their entire extended family with me. The grandchildren (two girls, now in the late teens) have been a part of my life throughout their lives. They actually boasted about having THREE grandmas. My relationship with her parents did not end with their deaths, either. It goes on and on in my memory and they will be loved till the day I die. That relationship proved that reunions CAN be happy on both the biological and adoptive sides when both sides truly love the adoptee. Only love can do that. I think adoptees need to lovingly introduce that fact to their adoptive parents. The A-family does not OWN the adoptee--nobody can own another person! While the adoptee should always give the a-family her/his love and respect, they must make it clear that they are not a purchased piece of property and do not owe total feality to them, or anyone else for that matter. THIS IS YOUR WEDDING, MANDY. You should have a right to invite anyone you want to attend. My brother and I are children of divorce. I was two and he was almost four when our parents parted. Both remarried. Our father married when I was eight and within a year his wife gave him another son. My brother and I were raised by our father and saw our mother every few weekends, the summers, and half of each holiday. My stepmother, though she had never met my mom, hated her with a passion. The years passed, and when my brother was in his 30s, he found a lovely young woman and decided to marry. One of the first things he did was to tell our Dad and step mom that ALL of his family would be a part of the wedding. ALL -- the half-siblings on both sides AND THE PARENTS and extended family. He didn't have to tell our Mom, she'd have come uninvited. Need I tell you EVERYBODY attended. My stepmom wasn't happy, but Dad enjoyed the event tremendously. It wasn't until after my father's death in 1975 that my stepmom and my mother actually became friends of a sort. It was at my brother's 50th birthday. Our situation was very similar to that of adoptees; we had a fear of hurting one side and struggled through life trying to be fair to both sides. What a waste; they would have made us much happier if they'd have accepted the fact that we were a part of BOTH families. (I never married, so there was no problem there). Put your foot down and tell it like it is, Mandy. Tell them you love them dearly, but you have a strong attachment to your biological family, too ...and you want all the people you love and hold dear to be a part of that wedding. Good Luck and Hugs, Carol Bird (Check out the article "MY DAUGHTER'S MOM" in the Article Archives of Adoption Week e-magazine.)

Mandy, Your birthmother should not have to miss out on seeing her daughter marry just because your adoptive mother has can't behave in an adult way about this and be grateful for the woman who brought you made your adoption possible, instead of bitter.

oops, typo ... should be "brought you into the world and made your adoption possible ......"

Speaking as a Mother - and I don't care whether a/mother or b/mother - surely your childs happiness is all that matters??? Surely love of your child is unconditional??? The best interest of your child always...isn't that the deal with being a parent??? Why would a parent want to make their child feel guilty or torn or divided in their loyalties?? It just makes me feel so sad that anyone would have to go through this. Unfortunately, we are all only human. Nicole...be happy. Do what is is going to make you genuinely happy. Decisions based on guilt or to keep someone else happy are not the right ones... Take Care and every happiness on your special day.

I doubt that it's their intention to make their child torn or divided. I think they're worried about how things look to others. I'm sure a lot of it is that the aparents think that it's going to look like they weren't good enough - therefore their child had to go look for their 'real' parents. I know the first time we went to church with my bson and his family that his parents were terrified that someone would find out who I was. :( And it all had to do with 'how it would look'.

Nicole I just read your last post.... and then posted this reply without reading the rest of the replies on the thread... so no idea if I am in the majority or not. I am also an adult reunited adoptee. I think I can relate to your situation from that point of view. My amom knows about my bmom, but we don't talk about it much. There isn't any "open" hostility there... but I would NOT relish a meeting between them. My amom can be hoitey toitey too... and my bmom is "normal" (like me). I would worry that my amom would be mean (of course in all the socially acceptable ways..... :rolleyes: ) Anyway. Reading between the lines of your post what hit me the most was not either of them.....but YOU. YOU seem to be hanging on for dear life to a relationship with your amom... forever trying to win her acceptance, approval and unconditional love. It seems you go over the top and sacrifice your peace of mind in always trying to "do the right thing" and "turning the other cheek". I have to really commend you for your undying loyalty - very impressive. But... I worry about what this is doing to your self esteem?? For me... who used to be like that in some ways... I finally had to get to the point where I actually VOCALIZED the fact that I was just fine and that my amom and her priorities were just fine too ... it was just that we were different. Period. End of subject. When she starts to get on me now about not wearing enough makeup - or how I "really should think about getting those eyelids tucked" or whatever, I simply remind her that I am fine with me and since I know she loves me unconditionally she won't mind if I don't. he he he Since she isn't about to verbalize anything to the contrary that usually does it right there. I think you should have both your moms and families at your wedding. It is your day... and your future husband's too. Tell them they are both part of your life and that you expect them to act like the role models they ARE... and "be nice". If your amom refuses to come you should perhaps consider that a huge sign of how SHE perceives her role in your life.... she was your mother when you were a child and young adult and has chosen to not be your mother as you start your new life as a married adult. Remember... above all. You are not responsible for other people's emotions. You are responsible to be honest, gentle and kind. It appears to me that you are fulfilling those obligations spendidly.

Christi said it better than I can, Nichole! Follow her advice and you won't go wrong. She has an excellent grasp on adoption issues. Kudos to you, again, Christi Hugs, Carol Bird

i too, have a very unsupportive amom. I found my bparents and had very similar problems. I would invite both to parties and made them meet, but always made sure that my mother was treated as my mother and bfather was treated as a friend. if i were you i'd invite bfamily as friends, (make sure they know that) and don't make a point of telling your mother about them. i mean....do you tell her about every friend you invite? if amom is introduced , then just say, this is my friend(insert name) and i think if you act as though its no big deal, then everyone else will follow your lead.

I am a new member, but I just had to reply, even though what I have to say is not exactly "on point". I gave up my daughter at a young age, and the adoption was arranged, though I did not know it for some time, by a family friend. The adoptive parents were people that I knew quite well--from church--had even been to their home only about a year before attending a party given by their kids (my age). They already had adopted a girl from Korea, who I had played with when we were younger. So it was a shock when my father, who was divorced from my mom and didn't know about my pregnancy, did some detective work and found out who had adopted my daughter. Partly because of that, when she was one year old, I was allowed to come and see her (remember, this was the 60's, when 99% of adoptions were completely closed, and I was still only 15, so didn't have much say in anything). I was very happy to see her, and felt much better knowing that she was in a loving home, with all of the advantages I couldn't give her, and I knew that the family she was with were wonderful people. I was assured at that time that I would be able to see her occasionally, and have some pictures. What happened was that the amother became very defensive, quit going to church (even though I was no longer going to that church for a long time--I guess she thought I might show up there!) She cut off contact with my mother, who had been friendly with her, and I heard nothing more for many years, even though occasionally I asked my mom if she would try to contact her, there was no response--just friends of theirs let my mom know that contact would not be welcomed. So I decided to wait until she was older, and hoped she would be open to see me. We eventually did meet, but it was when she was already married, with a child, in her 30's , and the meeting was awkward--I did not prepare myself, and I don't think she did either--it was weird because it was clear we were both extremely shy and everyone in my family kept practically shoving us at each other. I found out that though she had wanted to contact me in her teens, she was discouraged by her mother, and for a variety of reasons, she and her sister who was adopted also had a poor relationship with their mother (I don't know about the natural children). What I believe is that her adoptive mother was extremely insecure about "another, younger, mother" showing up, maybe trying to take away her child, and was overprotective. I can imagine during the teenage years it was a difficult time. I think also the fact that my father had gone out of his way to find out where my bdaughter was, probably made her more fearful. I wish that I could let the amother know, that even if my bdaughter and I had become close, and even if there are definite similarities between us (she resembles me more than my daughters that I raised, both physically and in temperament ), I know that the child that I gave up is her child, not mine in any sense that is important. Her daughter is a product of growing up in a completely different family than if she had been with me, so she does not have anything to fear from me. My primary reasons for wanting to meet my daughter were to answer any questions she had, and to let her know the circumstance of her birth, and why I had to give her up, not to try to divide her affections. I know that there is a bond there from all the years, memories and love that I cannot replace, just as there is something special between my daughters and me that comes partly from our shared history and that they have grown up under my influence. I think your mother might have this type of insecurity, and may feel that since there are differences between the two of you that you will naturally gravitate toward your "real" mother. It's too bad that she doesn't feel glad for your happiness at finding your birth family. I believe, like the other people who have posted, that you have to make the decision about this for yourself, and do what you feel will make you happy. Hopefully your mother will accept whatever you decide and not guilt trip you. The sad truth is that there are many mothers, even if birthmothers, who have a hard time with mother-daughter relations and letting go. I think some of the suggestions other people have given might help, but in the final analysis, you have to live your life for yourself.

I just was reading over some of the previous posts, particularly from Christi, l-thompson, and analizly?--you sure had some great advice and analysis of what's going on in the relationship, and what a parent's role should be, and what it implies if they insist on forcing their own way. I do think, though, that it wouldn't be a good idea to pretend the birth parents are "friends", because the truth has a way of coming out, and then the amom would really feel that she has a right to be wounded, that she was right to be defensive and suspicious. That might be an easy out for the short term, but could really backfire. I think it's better to meet it head-on, and hope that amom decides to accept that her daughter isn't a child who she can control with emotional blackmail. Setting those boundaries now might help in other situations too, as Christi suggested.

I am sitting here reading all these posts and one thing seems clear to me-you are spending alot of time trying to gain approval from your a/mom. every child has the need for love and approval but some a/parents just aren't happy with the fact that DNA also plays a part in who we grow up to be. thay want carbon copies of themselves and feel cheated when they get something else. BOTTOM LINE===> invite your b/mom and tell your a/mom that she has a choice=come to your wedding or not. she is an adult and you are an adult its time for her to act like one. I am sure that if your a/mom does choose to be selfish and not come to your wedding to punish you for inviting "that woman" your a/mom will only be hurting herself in the end. YOU have no control over her feelings and actions. be true to your heart