confused

It's been a very long time since I posted to this thread (or posted at all, for that matter), but I really felt like I needed to make this point clear. There is a reason why your 21-year-old boyfriend is sleeping with girls 5+ years younger than him. Answer me this: Do you really think for two seconds that if a girl his own age (who can legally have sex, buy cigarettes, drink, join the military, and vote) crooked her little finger at him he wouldn't come running? This isn't meant to be a slam against you, but what do you truly have to offer this guy that he can't do himself already? I have learned from experience that 21-year-olds only date high schoolers when no one else will have them, and the high schoolers readily reciprocate (yes, I know you said that you've already graduated high school, but for all intensive purposes you are high school-aged). Don't be surprised if you discover that he's got someone other than you on the side. I know it's easy to say, "But he loves me and I know he's not cheating", but I said the exact same thing with the BF of my daughter and he was cheating on me even while I was pregnant (probably especially because I was pregnant). Seriously, this is not meant to be a slam against you, it simply means that you've fallen into the same trap thousands of girls fall into every year: The Older Man Trap. All it means is that you have some things to learn and alot of us have had to learn this stuff the hard way. There's no shame in that--our whole lives are giant learning experiences. Since you've graduated from high school and you're only 16 (well, probably 17 by this point), you are obviously an intelligent girl. You are in college (correct?) and have the potential for a fantastic life ahead of you, but marrying this guy (who honestly does not sound like a prime catch to me) could drag you down and cost you not only your future, but you're child's future as well. I'm not saying you should put the child up for adoption, but I knew plenty of women in college who were single moms and still managed to go to school and didn't need to rely on a man either. Was it hard? You bet it was! But it was important to them and they found a way to make it happen. This guy smells no good to me. Please, please, please. . .DO NOT MARRY HIM. I'm not trying to make your life unhappy, but you need to find out if this guy is willing to be a father or not. Marriage is not a quick-fix answer. What does this guy do all day? Does he have a drug problem? Has he been in jail? Does he drink? Does he have a short temper? Does he have a job? What are his other friends like (you are what you associate with)? Can he afford to pay his own bills? Can he take care of himself or is he always asking others for money? What is his relationship like with his parents? Whether you like it or not, if you're pregnant, this is their grandchild and they're probably going to want to see him or her. What does he spend his money on? What are his hobbies? These are all things that probably don't seem important now, but will be VERY important if you choose to marry him. If he makes poor decisions (and I'd say that sleeping with someone so much younger than him is probably not one of his more stellar moments), you are going to have to take on the responsibility of running the house--to make sure that the bills are paid so you have a roof over your heads and electricity and at least a phone and water, to make sure you have food in the house, and appropriate clothes for the seasons. Are you prepared to do that on top of being pregnant or having a child to raise? If he's not doing it now with no one to take care of but himself, he's not going to change over night if at all. The simple fact that he knows that you're a minor and statutory rape charges can be pressed against him, and he STILL had sex with you is an indication to me of blatant disregard for the law. I would almost bet money that he's been arrested at least once in his life already (although, I sincerely hope I'm wrong). What it really sounds like to me is this: Your relationship with your mom is not good. You want out of her house, but you can't legally leave yet because you're a minor. You indicate that you have a good job which would allow you to support yourself. Your 21-year-old boyfriend is offering you a way out. I am not saying you got pregnant on purpose (if, indeed, you are pregnant), I really believe that you are too intelligent to do that. So, since we haven't heard from you in awhile, are you pregnant? I seem to recall from your original post that you weren't sure yet. Have you decided what to do? I'm sure we're all very curious and concerned for you at this point. Best of luck and may your decisions be what is best for you and your (potential) baby. Meg

I'd like an update, too, if you're out there. I've been wondering howyou are doing. I hope you're well and having a good Thanksgiving. I'm wondering, too, if your relationship with your Mom is bad because of the boyfriend or her opinion of him? Is that a factor? Teenagers often think their parents are idiots - but parents have been through a lot of stuff and a lot of times just get crazy watching their kids moving in that direction. Sad to say, but parents can often see through B.S. quicker than kids, because we've been B.S.ed before and learned the hard way. I hope you know we're pulling for you and sending you positive wishes and energy. Please let us know how you're doing! We care.

A note on the Older Man thing...my sister was nearly 17 when she started working at a pizza place. The delivery guy was 12 YEARS older than her. We had the usual disfunction...divorce, absent/cheating father, blah...blah...blah. She was walking around with a BIG target on her! So, Mr. Wonderful beings woohing my sister. Even sents my virginal, Christian sister sexy teddies from a sleazy store. He wanted to keep there "relationship" a secret. Eventually we all found out. This genious has been with my sister now for 7 years. Chewed up YEARS of her life and thousands of dollars of her money. He, at 36, still lives at home iwth his parents. He has a part time job, no education, no career, and NO ambition. He found my sister and groomed her...taught her how to treat him. He drives her car and doesn't pay for gas. She buys his food and comes over to cook for him and his family. She has paid for his medical bills, travel expenses, gifts that he wanted...while she went years with no gifts on Birthdays, Christmas, or their Anniversary. All the while, he has been promising to marry her...someday. Finally, they set a date, but he has found a way to squash the wedding plans my sister had...you know...The Dream Wedding. They are now planning a trip to Vegas and a cheap wedding at a chapel there with no family present. This Christmas, she called and told us she couldn't get gifts for the family because while HE was driving HER car, he hit 3 deer and totalled her car...and SHE had to pay for her deductible. Then I learned that she also bought him hundreds of dollars in gifts and bought the gifts for his family that were from him...she bought his gifts to his family! All this she did becuase he told her THIS was THE YEAR she would get her diamond engagment ring. So, all Christmas Eve and Day, she is waiting for the moment. Can you feel the anticipation? The gift exchange begins with his family. She gives out all her gifts to them. He gives them all his gifts to them that she paid for. She gives him all the gifts that she bought him. And he gives her a $20 cotton candy maker. And that was all. No ring. Nothing. And she was hurt. But she is so well trained, that she took it like she was taught to do and still plans to marry this lazy, leech! So, in my opinion, there is NO reason for an adult man to be interested in a young, minor. Once you hit college age, anything younger seems like a kid. I would worry about why an adult wants to be with a kid and wants to have sex with a kid. Not to say THIS guy is a bad guy...but you really do have to wonder. I would use EXTREME caution. Stop having sex with him NOW. See how much he loves you then.

DeNaJa that was horrible!!! I feel so badly for your sister and I can only imagine that at times all you want to do is just shake her and say, "Can't you see what you are doing to yourself!?!". I will be thinking of your sister and hoping that she wakes up before it's too late.

Hello my name is Palicia and I want you to know that sometimes age isn't a factor in marriage I was engaged at 17 and married at 17 I have been married going on 8 years we are very happy together and love each other and our three kids more than anything. The only advise I have for you is be sure its what you really want its not going steady its for life. Like I said it can work out it depends on the person I was ready emotionaly, physically, and mentally. Marriage isn't always easy. You really have to know the person your marring inside and out. I hope you are happy with what ever you decide. Always Palicia

If you are pregnant and your Boyfriend is over 18, and you under 18.. That is considered statuatory rape in most states. Parents can file on behalf of the minor child in cases of stauatory rape- whether or not the sex was consensual..and even the DA can file charges against the adult. I wonder if the law you mentioned.. about proving you are pregnant and are underage has anything to do with reporting statuatory rape to the DA. I would be sure to find out..

Kelly,please don't be in a hurry to get married.I was 13 when I thought I met the love of my life,and,he was 17.We dated all thru school and ended up getting married when I graduated.We were married for nine years (all tough we didn't have any kids)that ended in a divorce.When I found love again two years later I knew this was true love.The guy I had dated all those years who I thought I loved,I found out it wasn't love at all.Is all I am saying is at 16 you do not have all your running around out and it will be hard to stay with your boyfriend,cause you will want to do all the things that people your age are doing.Just hang in there,you have plenty of time to decide what to do.First wait and see if you are with child,then start thinking of what you will do.Please listen to someone who has experience and not the ones who are teens and just got married.They are going to find out it is not all that easy to settle down with one person.And takeing care of a child is a huge responsibility.Keep us postedAll for one

hi shortkelly, my name is joe and i am 19 years old and just have a child with my 15 yo gf....what these people here r saying is true when u body starts changing many men freak out...i freaked out but did not run...i loved her to much to let her raise a child alone...im in the same boat as u we both love eachother very much....and we cant get married it really sux....and her mother is giving us all kinds of krap and treating her like krap but wont let her move out...i hope eveything works out for u though...wait till after u have the baby...not saying he will run but i know it will be on his mind...if he sticks around he loves u....if not dont worry about it...take care and good luck with ur decisions

I agree with just about everyone however I feel the need to add to this. My 19 year old nephew got his girlfriend pregnant (18) he loved her sooo much. At 19 he was making $9.00 an hour, not bad for a single guy, once the baby was born things changed. J and Angela decided to get married. Before they got married I cautioned them because Angela and the baby were getting assistance from the state including Medical Insurance and Food Stamps. I wanted them to know that if they got married she ran the risk of loosing some of her state assisted benefits. My suggestion was to live together for 1 year and see how things worked out. Baby was born things started getting tough financially but they decided to get married anyway. Angela had to go to work because she ended up loosing some of her state assisted benefits. When the baby was around 9 months old he got RSV (a respiratory illness) while in the hospital he also got Pneumonia. After several days the baby was released from the hospital, Angela had to quit her job because she needed to care for her baby. Long story short they DID NOT HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE the bill for little J was more than $80,000.00 . We did a blood drive and all kinds of things to help them pay their bills but it was too much. They ended up filing bankruptcy and the stress from everything took its toll. After 3 years of being married and tons of fights over money they got divorced. Unfortunately for little J he is the child of divorced angry parents who are always blaming each other for everything. I would hate to see you or anyone you know go through this. Life happens when you least expect it even the best marriages go through stuff but because so many of us have life experience under our belts we are able to deal with pretty much whatever comes our way. Marriage is a two way street you both have to work at it. You get what you givemost guys at 21 donŒt really care about the house or the bills they just want to have fun. My recommendation would be to live together for a year or two. If he provides you with a decent place to live, reliable transportation, opportunity to finish college and he helps with the cooking, cleaning, care of the baby and diaper changing then you just might have a chance. TRY IT BEFORE YOU BUY ITit canŒt hurtYOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE AND SO MUCH TO GAINŅ Keep us posted on how you are doing. Maria

ShortyKelly, I agree with most of the posters. Even though you may be mature for your age and you may think you are in love you don't need to be married to take care of your baby. At 16 almost 17, you can not really know what you want out of life. You may be finished high school, be in college and have a job but being married and having a baby is just going to complicate and limit your possibilities. There are options out there. I agree with the dad and the list idea.

I know how you feel, your not 18 yet, but your ready to start your life with the man that you love. And everyone is telling you no and to wait. I am not pregnant, but I know how you feel,... Everyone says that if it is ment to be, then it can wait,... But you know in your heart that it is, then why should you have to. Every day you hear someone say,"live your life to the fullest!" or "live each day as if it is your last, there is no garantee about tomorrow!". Well what if something happened and you didnt do what your heart was telling you was right, and you look back and ask your self why? why didnt I?... You should always follow your heart, and everything will work out.

before continuing to make a decison based on "what ifs" and maybes, perhaps you could get a prgenancy test at Planned Parenthood and KNOW what you are dealing with or not. Or maybe a drugstore test.if you are NOT pregnant you need to do whatever you can to PREVENT it from happening. Not only is it odd for a 21 year old man to be with someone so much younger (if for no other reason than he is risking going to jail for it!) BUT he is also not very loving and caring of you to be having unprotected sex with you - for MANY reasons!it sounds like a very common story of wanting to get out of your house. if your mother is truly absuve REPORT the abuse! tell a teacher. get help the right way - and right away! no one deserves to be abused. being in an abusive, unloving home makes us look for the love we deserve and are missing...sometimes we look in the "wrong" or inappropriate places.Mirah

Everyone, I just wanted to point out that the OP in this thread is well over a year old. Thanks. MrsSmith, Community Moderator

First off - go to a drug store or planned parenthood and find out if you are pregnant or not.I agree with the fact that your child is your child long after your man tires of you and leaves you for a younger woman!There is something very questionable about a man dating an underage woman - an act which could potentially put him in jail. I would also consider this man's level of affection for having unprotected sex with you. he (and you) risked more than just pregnancy! A man who relaly loved you would have thought more of you than to take such risks.Mirah

You sound like a very strong person to me. My husband and I just lost our baby girl and too find ourselves in a place we thought we would never be in. Stay strong, you'll make it through this. Hopefully your the type where prayers will bring you comfort