Have you had a foster child you just don't click with?

Our first placement was an 11 day old boy and for some reason, I never did connect with him...he stayed with us 9 months or so and I did love him very much and cared for him like my own, so it wasn't that I disliked him, there was just never a "connection". Thankfully, his parents were awesome and RU was never really a question, but the couple of times I entertained the idea of adoption, it kind of freaked me out. We would've done it and I would've always loved him and treated him as my own, but I was scared I'd never feel that "motherness" towards him if that makes sense.

of course. sometimes there's just not going to be a deep connection. that doesn't mean you can't be kind and loving. it just means that this child isn't a good fit with your family. if you find that you just can't keep up the fake it till you make it, be honest with the cw. what did I do? well, in one case the kids were such a wrong fit that we had them removed--there were many safety issues at play as well. in another, after faking I found I made it. and I love that boy like my life--he's my son now. it took me a long time--9 or 10 months--before I felt that love. he's a prickly kid with big issues. it was hard. didn't help that his total intention in life was to break up with me before I could break up with him! seriously, if you're feeling worn down by this child, she's likely unhappy too. i'd talk with the cw--and soon. i'd also suggest that you stop beating yourself up for what you feel or don't. it's like any love relationship, really. we don't fall in love with every available partner regardless of how potentially awesome they are. some partners are just not a good fit for us. it's nothing you did or didn't do. it just isn't happening on an emotional level. and that's okay. just make sure it's right for the little girl and you'll be doing the right thing.

Just saying YES makes me feel guilty! I have two sub sets right now. The bro/sis duo that I have a hard time with are just plain weird and annoying! They grate on my nerves and the other kids. But I also see things in them I love! They are the first to help when I ask for it. I worked on documenting their behaviors the first 4 months. They now sleep through the night with help. This has made their behavior tolerable during the day and we don't fight to get them asleep!

We are in the same boat as you with our two older ones that we have had for two months. Its taking a great toll on us. And like you we feel guilty and for us like a failure. The constant whining and lying and a host of other issues just wears you down. Praying for you

YES. Fortunately, my "out" was that he had siblings he was very bonded to, and there was no way I was going to keep him apart from them. And it's possible that that is the reason why we didn't connect, he didn't want us and we didn't want to separate him from his sibs, right from the start. Regardless, it was difficult and felt pretty awful at times, knowing we cared for him and loved him but didn't want him to stay.

Oh I am right there with you Moesky our first placement little man and his sister little miss the connection is not there I love little man but there is no connection, no attachement towards him if the RU I know it will hurt for a little but it would be ok. With Little miss the connection is not there at all I care for her, I keep her safe, feed her, tuck her in bed and a lot of other things but no motherness from me. So I get you!

Second this! I am always having to remind myself that yes I'm a foster parent and yes I signed-up for this BUT I am also human. I have a sib set right now that just aren't a fit. I care about them and they are good kids with mildly "annoying" behaviors but also come with horrible bios. It sometimes feels like they are too average for the rest of my therapeutic group and my kids are currently out of control because I've lessened some of the structure for the other kids. They have been here more than a year and it doesn't look to end anytime soon. It makes me feel trapped. I've decided to ask for the kids to move. Their plan could change with recent events to TPR and I know I'm not an adoptive resource. They could move to a foster-adopt home. These are the first kids I really haven't clicked with and oddly they are the easiest I've had. In the grown-up world I don't click with every adult I meet and don't particulary enjoy everyone's company at the office :rolleyes: Its a high expectation to think we should just click with every kid we meet.

I had sib set..2 sisters...I connected with younger much more than with older who seemed to thrive on creating chaos. What's interesting and stumps me is that the older one calls and texts me alot, always saying how much she misses me, just wants to talk, etc. MS

I had a 3 year old foster boy, he was a respite, but stayed for 3 1/2 weeks, he did NOTHING wrong, he was a good little man...but I felt nothing whatsoever. In cases like this, I just remind myself, that nobody expects TEACHERS to LOVE the kids... treat them fair/kind/loving, yes! But they don't have to love my kids, lol so, I act like a teacher :) I help, I nurture, I hug, I praise, all that good stuff, but I don't HAVE TO LOVE. Hope that makes sense?

This is really helpful. It's my biggest fear as I get close to a placement. For all of you that have had one that didn't 'fit', were there others that did?

I completely clashed with the 16 year old in the sib group. Our personalities didn't mix. Both of us are A personality, alpha types and she wanted to run the show and tell everyone what to do in my home and was simply unwilling to accept that I had any authority to tell her or her siblings what to do. She didn't get along with her stepmother (the mother of her younger half-siblings) either. Since the sib group were an emergency placement and we didn't think they would be here more than a few weeks, it didn't bother me at first but as a long term situation, I'm not sure how to deal with it. It was never going to work with her in our home. The hostility was to the point it was unbearable.

I don't like all adults that I meet. I try to be reasonably kind and polite and get along...but I don't always like them. Some of the kids that come here for a while, I don't click with. Either there's a personality clash or it's a bad fit or whatever. I'm okay with that. As long as we're all willing to do our best, I don't disrupt for a personality clash or lack of click. Sometimes we can learn mutual respect even if we never really like each other. One of my teens now is one that I don't really understand and he doesn't fit with us well. He's willing to work with us though because staying here with his sister is better than going back to the group home and they'll RU soon.

I had an adorable 16month old that I just couldn't bond with. I felt so guilty. My agency talked me into respite one night. The lady was almost in years bringing him back. It took two weeks but he went to live with them. They are adopting :)

Yup, I had a sibling pair, one being a 4 yr old that I had to force myself to like. I cared a lot about her but she was very pouty, craved constant attention, and manipulative. Their case was heading towards tpr and we knew we were not a good fit for adoption. They just moved to a great home and we see them often. I was really ready for them to move along over the last couple months. Age 4 is a hard age I think. They are still considered toddlers but starting to become little people with big personalities.

My husband and I have our first foster kid in our home now, 17 yr old male with mental health issues and control issues as well. When he first came to us he smelled so bad, but led and said he showered everyday. Not true. Needless to say the last 6 months have been filled with everyday lies, testing us (normal), dancing around house rules and responsibilities, ignoring the internet usage agreement we (he) signed, manipulation, etc...he has played us in every way possible. Had a heart surgery rescheduled 3 times due to rashes he created and fears as well. TFC keeps extending, everytime making sure he doesn't have to grow up. I write my reports, he lies about what's on it, another week goes by. He lies and manipulates to watch TV and use internet but doesn't want to comply, talks to me in ways I would never allow my children to, is tricking his way through school, and if its not his way, its no way! He has constantly pulled me in, then pushed me away, (he has mom issues so I get to take his abuse, I understand), I have health issues that are flaring up due to stress that weren't problems before he came to us. If there's no room in a TLP by Nov 30, they will extend again until Jan. I'm not excited about that and want this kiddo to move on. I believe it will be best for him. Ive really tried to love him and care about him, but everything he did and the way he's acted and taken advantage (completely admitted to take state and everyone for all they have), I cannot agree or excuse that and don't want it in my home. I know this sounds terrible and I feel terrible about feeling this way, but I just can't love this kid. I have 2 of my own he really gets along with and my 5 yr old looks up to him, wish he didn't...its the big brother thing. They are starting to exhibit some of his behaviors. I've shared some of these feelings with our agency, they ignore it. We said we didn't want him extended again, they might extend him again.