Birthfather contesting our adoption...need words of wisdom

Has the bfather taken a paternity test? Make sure its his!

in our case, the b'father hasn't taken a DNA test. i'm not sure how he could afford one, let alone an attorney to contest the adoption. i believe he's just bored with nothing else to do in prison, and also wants to get back at our b'mom, thus has decided to make a big stink. sally

taurusgal Our birthdad hasn't taken a paternity test(from jail) either and likewise is prob. trying to get at the bmom since she had to file a restraining order against him for abuse while she was preg. with the child. I spoke with our attorney for awhile yesterday and felt somewhat better, but then rec'd an email from them today about a book to read about post placement depression. I know they are trying to be helpful, but it kind of makes me feel like they are telling me that I don't have a right to be so emotional b/c "this is always a possiblity" b/c I was visibly upset during our meeting yesterday. I would be more concerned about the adoptive parent who rec's this sort of news and isn't upset. O well. That will teach me to wear my emotions on my sleeve. :D

Gatorfan.. Hang in there. You have every right to be upset, nervous, anxious, and every and any other emotion that you might be having right now. I just reread your first post, and I just don't see where the b'father could prevail. If he didn't support the b'mom during her pregnancy, didn't signed up on the registry, and is currently in jail (not exactly the ideal home for a baby), I just don't see where you need to worry. I don't know if it's the same where you are, but in my state, the b'father has to prove the he (not any other family members) can support the child. Again, not feasible when one is incarcerated. Just keep loving on your baby:) Sally

I read your post and my heart goes out to you.WE are hopeful adoptive parents,and we never realized just how much is involved in the adoption process.My emotions are extremely mixed up.We want this baby more then anything in the world.We have prayed for years and this situation came to us like a real miracle.The birthmom and all of us get along so very,very well.I go to every doctor's appointment with her.In our state the biological birth parents cannot sign off the consents until after the birth of the child.There are 2 possible birth fathers one who will sign the consent form,but the other we are unsure.This other possible father does have a criminal background...domestic violence,a few dwi's -one dwi which is within this year.I am totally confused will his criminal background play a part in his ability to parent this baby if he is the biological father...I have heard different opinions on this topic.The birthmom does not want this guy to parent this child and she has several reasons-the drinking and driving,drug use,etc.Our lawyer says his criminal background will not matter once he is proven to be the biological father -and wants to raise his baby...our rights are no longer.I am just curious if this is true or not.Wouldn't the court look into the birthmom's concerns for this baby? If anyone can give us some insight into this we would greatly appreciate it-thanks

Stacy, Most likely, it will not matter if either bfather's can parent or not. :( That is not the issue before you. The issue will be: did he protect his rights? Did he sign the putative father registry? Did he know bmom was pregnant? What actions has he taken to protect his rights? I would highly recommend you (or your attorney) talk to both pbfathers and ask them if they want to parent. If they do...and you choose to adopt this child anyway...you have a long road ahead of you. If they don't then they should be willing to sign. I am in the midst of a bfather contested adoption and if you would like, you can pmail me for the details.

Just wanted to say that I am so sorry that any of you are currently going through this. Been there and understand the fears and tears. I'm here if anyone needs to talk. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Stacykellly I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with what stillwaiting posted. Advice really depends on your state and whether they have a putative birth father registry. In our case our attorney contacted the birth father in jail to let him know he was the most likely father so the burden of showing that he is capable of caring for a child and of emotionally/financially supporting the birthmom with the pregnancy was on him. It is so hard to know what to do in the situation you are in. Wanting a child so badly makes it hard to look objectively at the situation. It has been 7 mos now since the birthfather appealed the TPR and we are still not finalized with the adoption, though a date has been set. Besides the emotional issues you are dealing with, the other realistic thing to look at as well is the budget you set for your adoption. To date the appeals process has cost an additional $5000(our adoption attorney has charged approximately $50 for every email they read that has been forwarded from our appeals attorney :) in addition to our budgeted adoption cost. I have been able to put the appeals process out of my mind and know in my heart that what ever happens is the way a higher power intended, but nonetheless I feel your pain with your decision to proceed or not. Best of luck!

I am so sorry to hear about all of you with bfathers contesting the adoptions - that must be so difficult to deal with. I don't know anything about it all so can't give advice, just letting you know you are in my thoughts..... And thanks for starting this thread....we've recently been contacted by a pbmom whose alleged bfather is in jail and doesn't know she's pregnant yet. We really like her, but were immediately worried about the bfather situation.....now I know I have good reason to feel that way.....what is happening to you is exactly what I am afraid of!

Seeing this post has been helpful. Our son, was born on 3/12/05 and at the time there was only 1 pbdad, who was willing to sign. All of a sudden, there were two more. One who lived with the bmom for over a year but broke up with her almost 6 weeks prior to conception and another who the bmom called from the hospital to tell him the baby resembles him. We have obtained a denial from the inital pbdad and a consent from the one who most likely is not the dad - although we consented to pay for the DNA test just in case. I have been told the third pbdad is now "hiding." Our attys (yes - more than one now) have suggested hiring a private investigator to find him. My dh agrees. I on the other hand have mixed feelings. As of Monday, he has not signed up with the state registry and I am all for waiting it out the 30 days. I am afraid if his parents find out (he's about 20 or so) they'll want to keep Connor. The waiting in a hotel is nerve wracking. I try to put in at the back of my mind and just focus on being the best mom to Connor. I'm happy to read that if the pbdad does not do anything for 30 days, we get to bring Connor home. Marg

Our situation is with an unknown bfather. We are adopting in TX and were told that he has 30 days from birth to pop out of the woodwork. We were told that most likely he doesn't even know her name or about the registry. We were also told that after 30 days he cannot do anything because it is a done deal. The agency also told us that if by some minute chance someone pops up they will go to court to fight that he didn't support her and look into criminal background. They also said that he would have to come up with money to prove paternity as well as a lawyer to fight. Does anyone have any different info than this? Thanks!

Marg,

From what I have learned with our contested adoption I don't think it will matter if you wait the 30 days to see if he will register with the PFR or not. The reason I think that is because YOU and the BMom know who the pbfather could be. I think you should bite the bullet and hire the PI's and try to get to him. Ultimately, it will be his actions that will protect his rights not his parents.

Hang in there, you have over come major things, just keep marching on!

Tracy,

In my experience with our contested adoption we were told it is very unlikely that a bmom does not know the pbfather. She may even think it could be two or three men. The exception would be rape. I would suggest you try to get her to name who she thinks it could be and try to have your agency talk to the pbfather(s).

I think your right on all other accounts but I would like you to keep in mind one thing....If the pbfather(s)do not know bmom is pregnant they would not know to contact her, support her, or sign the registry. That will be the defense, that he did not know she was pregnant.

In order to protect his rights he would have to abide by state statutes. I would take a look at Texas state statutes for myself and not rely completely on the agency.

PM me if I you would like & keep postig your progress!

I just read your post about the problem with the BF in 2004. I'm facing the same situation that he might contest. How did your story end? Were you allowed to keep the child?

Everything worked out fine! Birthfather was basically just trying to throw his weight around, but had no real interest in my daughter. His real motivation was to make life for D (bmom) as miserable as possible. His rights were terminated about 6 months after our daughter was born and haven't heard anything from him in three years. In contrast, our relationship with D and her family as grown into something more amazing than I could've ever dreamed. Best of luck to you in your journey...I know how stressful this time can be....