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Hi
I'm 44 and I am adopting my nephew who is 18 mos. He is the son of my 57 yr old brother who passed away and his drug addicted girlfriend. He was raised by my 70 yr old aunt since he was born, because she was a licensed foster care parent. I have a 27 and a 20 yr old daughters and I never wanted any more. I've been married since I was 16. We've had Joey for two and a half months and I sometimes cry as I mourn my old life. I always felt young until now. I'm suffering an age crisis and my husband and I miss each other and the way things were. We love our little guy but his demanding ways are driving us crazy!! Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this dream to find things the way they were. I feel that I've been so responsible in life since such a young age. I know there is a light at the end of this toddler tunnel but right now it is so much worse then I thought it would be. I own my own business and must depend on daycare which he loves. I have a cleaning lady once a week but this does not take care of the everyday crumbs and prints and extra laundry. We love and take care of this little boy with every piece of our hearts. I'm so depressed!! We have date night every Saturday night. Our older children offered to help us but now one is back pedaling. This makes me sad because we always do so much for them. I feel like I want my face lift now!! I'm just a mess!! HELP!!
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But, Lilly...you're feeling sorry for yourself!
Yes, I understand that an 18 month old can be quite a handful!
But having him at day care and having a maid?!
Please! Get real!
I'm sorry that you weren't a little more realistic in your decision to adopt him...knowing already what kids are like...and how set in your ways you seem to be, but it sounds like you're resenting him and the chaos that he's brought to your life.
Get this resentment and self-pity in check before he starts to feel it!
I'm sorry if I'm not giving you the support you're wanting here...I'm 42 and haven't had the opportunity to have 20some year old children (or any children for that matter), and am looking forward to having the priviledge of having a newborn bring chaos to our home.
It's not your son's fault that you didn't go into this situation with your eyes wide open.
Send your son off to daycare, have a scotch, put your feet up and watch the maid clean the toilets...perhaps your reality will float on by! ;)
Kat
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Lily
I won't be quite as blunt as the poster above. You said you "were adopting." Does that mean the adoption is not final and still in process? I know how hard it is to make decisions that seem right for everyone but yourself. Perhaps "doing the right thing" in this situation means letting someone else adopt this child - someone who truly wants a child and who is ready to make the sacrifices that entails. Otherwise, imo, if you're truly doing this because you think you have to and if your heart isn't committed 110%, you are doing the child a grave disservice. Give him a chance to be the light and joy of someone's life. Give yourself a chance to live the life you need.
it sounds like you have not adopted your nephew yet, you have other options if it is not final. my son's grandparents felt they had to take him, even though they were already raising his 12 y/o brother. they eventually realized it was not a good situation for anyone involved. i have now adopted him and they still get to be his grandparents. we have an open adoption and things are working out well. there are many adoptive parents out there willing to have an open adoption with birth relatives. it is a very person decision to parent a "second" family and it is not for everyone, nor should you be made to feel like it is for you. good luck.
Okay, yes I admit this is a pitty party for myself. I also must say unless you walk in my shoes you may not understand the transitional depression that I'm in. I am honest about daycare and that my house gets cleaned once a week because I want you to know that I do have help. My husband and I would not send this little boy back!! We spend every minute we can playing with him and taking care of his needs and loving him. Is it a sin for me to mourn my old life? It took us eight months and many hoops to get my baby out of the system. I'm just being honest about a depression I'm going through. I tell myself to suck up those tears when I feel them coming. I say my prayers about it too. Just thought maybe someone here has had a similiar transitional experience. Thanks for the slap anyway. In one sense I need it, but really I could use some understanding.
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I didn't mean my post as a slap either. It seems as if I misread your first post. Instead of hearing the feelings of depression and loss you are experiencing, I focused only on the demands and resentments. Personally, I think it's teriffic that you are able to get help with cleaning and childcare.
It sounds like you are experiencing an episode of depression. If the symptoms have persisted more days than not for two weeks, then it would be a good idea to seek professional help. Therapy is one of the best tools we have to help ourselves when everything else isn't working. As you know, what you're dealing with is life-altering and very difficult. It certainly merits seeking the help of a psychologist - if for no other reason, then to be able to talk about these issues and to find out if anti-depressant medications might be helpful.
Best wishes to you and your family.