Forgiveness

Jackie, Please accept my condolences on your Dad. I know he was 90...and hopefully lived a full life. Its very hard to lose a parent no matter what age they are. I am sorryDonna

I seem to be okay.. The poor man was having such a hard time.. He said to me once.."This is awful." Maybe I am still in shock.. but mostly I am wanting to get on with my life now.. I want to do the Artist Way again.. I want to start morning pages.. I want to start painting.. What my dad wanted me to do.. When I was a little girl I did a pastel of a horse.. One of those horse potraits.. Dad loved that picture.. He wanted to make sure it was preserved and he sprayed it with fixative and he sprayed too much.. It went dark and was ruined.... He was so sad.. My dad was a good man.. I remember when I was very worried about the state of Florida changing birthdates.. Worried that I would not find my son.. Dad said to me.."We went to a good place Jackie.. We made sure." And when I wanted to register open for contact.. mom and dad drove all around Miami looking for St Vincent Maternity and adoption center.. They always wanted to help me.. He met my bson.. I have only posted about my dad on this thread.. Thanks guys.. Jackie

Jackie, I am in the process of catching up and belated condolences from me, my prayers are with you. Hugs Pip :flower:

Thanks Pip.. I seem to be hiding this news in one thread.. I do not know how I feel today.. My husband had an eye operation yesterday and my son is here.. They are watching the basketball.. I am enjoying being with my family.. Jackie

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jackie. My prayers are with you.Sending hugs your way. God Bless. Anne

Any updates??

Here are some reasons why I have gone "cold" over my relationship with my bdaughter: 1) Too many boundaries. ie I can't talk about my kept children or my extended family. 2) No positive feedback about our relationship. I asked if she was happy with our contact she just shrugged and said it was OK and looked like she was about to burst into tears. I am not a mind reader. I just get the negative stuff. 3) I am tired of making all the effort. 4) I hate getting random texts from her that I answer and then she doesn't reply to my texts. 5) My bchild is a stranger to me - it is hard to love a stranger. I still love the baby but the baby has long grown up. 6) My life is great - it has taken years to get to this point - but my relationship with my bdaughter is the only cloud on the horizon. 7) I am tired of feeling like I am a bad, bad birthmother. These feelings come from society, my bdaughter, her family, reading many threads etc. I will always be the bad abandoning mother. Years ago I thought I was doing the right thing for us both but it wasn't and I wonder if society and my bdaughter will ever find it in their hearts to forgive me and treat me like a normal human being? 8) I feel ****ed if I do and ****ed if I don't with my relationship with my bchild. I buy her something nice and she looks embarrased and says that I shouldn't have done that! But if I bought her nothing for her bday then I would be bad as well! Frankly I feel that I can't get it right and after years of racking my brain to get it right and asking what to do and not getting any answers I've given up. Did I want too much - probably. Did I hurt her - yes. Can I fix it - no. So now that I have finally forgiven myself I wonder if she will ever forgive me? Or will I be forever the bad birthmother who must be punished.....

hello banjo... you are still here. i am back after a break. you are not "the bad birthmother" and if i may speak my mind, after reading your post... i do not believe what you wrote "I've given up" you have not given up. you are still reaching for answers.... grasping at straws... you are not bad. neither am I.... we just did the best we could. and today, we do the best we can... today. maybe tomorrow we will do better.... i dunno... i hope so... but today, we do the best we can. same as a year ago.. same as ten years ago... same as fourteen years ago....20 years ago.... I will also argue with your comment "I have gone cold"... your post is anything but cold, Banjo.... you are on fire with passion.... and a depth of love only a mother can feel.... a good mother.... a good birthmother.... is your daughter really punishing you? or are you punishing yourself? i've missed you. julie

Banjo.YOU ARE NOT THE EVIL BIRTHMOTHER. repeat that until you finally get it.Society at the time said that, but, is it true? oh come now, surely we are older and wiser and DON'T BUY THAT CRAP.I "get" the guilt part, but, I had to deal with it finally.I could forgive YOU, easily. could you forgive Me?Bet the answer is yes. And there is the solution,we would do it for others but NOT FOR OURSELVES? I finally had to step out of myself and see myself as a young teen girl in a bad place. I just wanted to hold that girl and comfort her and tell her that she is NOT evil, NOT bad, just a young girl in desperate trouble. THEN I could forgive myself and society can go blow.Remember that your child is young and doesn't have the experience/ maturity to deal with all this. Leave the door open, even if it is just e-mails. Time has a way of changing things. Remember THE ONLY CONSTANT IN LIFE IS CHANGE.Okay, I'm hitting sixty and most young people seem young to me.lol. But don't slam bar and bolt that door. leave it open a crack and see what happens. Big hugsdmca

Hi julie, glad to see that you are back! unfortunately nothing much has changed in my relationship with my bdaughter. I got a random text from her yesterday morning promising to ring me later...???? Why do that who knows? Of course there has been no phone call. it is so weird - teenagers I guess. Thanks DMCA for your kind words. I met up with an old friend earlier this week who has been unable to have children and was telling me about another woman we know who is struggling with infertility. I got the feeling from her that it wasn't fair that a child abandoner like myself was able to go on, have a good marriage and have more children. Like I am less deserving of life's goodies somehow...

banjo

Thanks DMCA for your kind words. I met up with an old friend earlier this week who has been unable to have children and was telling me about another woman we know who is struggling with infertility. I got the feeling from her that it wasn't fair that a child abandoner like myself was able to go on, have a good marriage and have more children. Like I am less deserving of life's goodies somehow...

We need not hear them tho.. The ones who judge us and find us lacking.. Forgiving myself.. whew.. You wrote..in a previous message.. Did I want too much - probably. Did I hurt her - yes. Can I fix it - no. So now that I have finally forgiven myself I wonder if she will ever forgive me? Or will I be forever the bad birthmother who must be punished..... We did the best we could.. And if we did not do it right then we were in a place where we did not see how to do it right.. No blame.. Staying in the moment is what I do now days.. I stay in the moment and I do my very best to not hear the ones that want to sidetrack me.. I got me a life to live and what has happened has happened.. I can not change it.. Jackie

there's always going to be people like that.WHO CARES? Does their opinion really matter to you? Does their opinion make it true?Some people have a tight little set of morals that if crossed make others seem like demon seed. They are insecure and the only security they have is their tiny cage of reality. These type of people have not lived in any reality beyond that cage and will not do it. The "mistakes" of youth are not forgivable to them.They never seem to realize that the circumstances were a mistake but the child was NEVER a mistake.ah well, she too is probably a victim of a society that was so rigid that she either had to "fit in" or be "abandoned" as "lost". I have some sympathy for her if that is the case.Ever read the Deciderata? ( sp). You are a child of the universe and you have a right to be here. As it goes on to say, The universe is unfolding exactly as it should be.You have another family? See? you ARE lovable, you ARE a good mother/wife, sister in law, etc.Do you remember that poor young woman that was pregnant hopeless, frightened and abandoned by society? poor wee child. That was you and that was me. I forgave her. Now forgive those that think of you as somehow a "fallen woman". they too are the victims of that same society. Hope this helpsdmca

When I read your words I think of the way I thought before I came out of hiding.. I judged myself strongly.. and harshly.. Jackie

Jackie, you are so right: "Staying in the moment is what I do now days.. I stay in the moment and I do my very best to not hear the ones that want to sidetrack me.. I got me a life to live and what has happened has happened.. I can not change it.. " I do my best to do this as well...then sometimes out of the blue comments get made - 99 percent unintentionally - and bang I feel myself slide back into that bad birthmother space....sigh. thanks for your kind words ladies.

I personally believe that we live in a society that is geared towards some women giving their babies up for adoption. We make a mistake and we get pregnant at the wrong time.. We do the best we can.. I see my bson now and I know I made the right decision.. I see him in his life and I understand that what went down was supposed to happen. When the going gets tough come here and type up what you are going through.. Jackie