Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will atempt to do this again. I had a response all typed out and my 1 year old turned the computer off. Once we finally found the biological fatherthe process took 4 months. But he got several continuances. I will go ahead and give you basic stuff, and then I will try to go into the hearings a little more. In all it took about 11 months. But that was because it took us 7 to find the biological father. We could have filed for an order of publication. But I wanted to make sure that the biological fatherwould have no way to try and fight us later on. That was soooo hard to do. As he fought us every step of the way. But it's a good thing we did, as one of his arguments was that we were trying to hide the adoption from him. ( We did not tell him about it before we filed). We are going down to get a copy of the hearings on the 19th. Can you wait that long?

I live in San Bernardino County. The San Bernardino city court house is a good place to do step parent adoptions right now. As we have a fair and well informed judge. The entire process took a year. But things were held up for us by a few things. Such as it took 6 months to locate the bio Dad. And we were diplaced by the fires for a month. We were well within our rights to request an order of publication instead of serving the papers. But we did not want any loop holes for the bio Dad to get through if he wanted to fight later on. In retrospect I think he would not have fought it if he found out about it later, so it may have been a lot less stressful if we hadn't . But it did end up looking good in our case. As soon as we found him and asked his permission he started asking to see our daughter. After 5 years of being 20 minutes away, his parents ended up living less than a mile away. He only wanted contact after finding out that my husband wanted leagal custody too. We will be going to pick up the records of the court hearing on the 19th of this month. Can you wait that long for them? Once we got to court it took 4 months for everything to go through. But the bio Dad got a bunch of continuances. Based on needing to get a lawyer. Then he couldn't afford one, and asked the courts to appoint one for our daughter. Then he wanted time to go to legal aid. Then our judge got sick, and our lawyer is the sub judge for that department so because of the bias our case was put off for a month. The next continuance was because he did find a lawyer but they had not had enough time to prepare. So finally we got in. They had a pretty weak defense. And I had done documenting all along. They had a very very hard time fighting against that. My ex stated that he had seen out daughter once when she was 3 months old. When in fact she had been a year and a half. Also that he has ADD and could not fit in with society or hold down jobs because of it. Our atty was also able to get most of his character witnesses and the testimony of his wife to not be considered beacause of it going under hear say. He had not done anything to support her, and had not tried to visit her at all. Although he did lie about that. He had no proof. He had done some crazy things though. Like faking phone calls to me in front of his wife. So she would think that I had refused him contact. Never Happened. He also had a history of drug abuse. He said that I had very high standards and that he had stayed away for 5 years so that he could build himself up to meet my standards. And other such nonsense. He really hung himself. And his lawer was no better. He tried all sorts of things. Like his pastor righting letters on his behalf. Character witnesses, including his three children who are 8, 7, and 5. So that they could attest to his distraught emotional state. When his wife came on she said things like how sad it made her children to have a sister that they never get to see. In the end the judge said that he was concerned in the first place about my ex's behavior all along. He asked my ex questions like have you ever tried to see her, (two times), have you ever supported her, (I bought her some stuffed animals for Christman one year, but couldn't give them to her), Have you ever sent her a birthday card, (no I have a hard time wirtting), Did you ever call her, (no)....... It went on and on. In the end the judge said that he has been a judge for 30 something years, and that it always suprised him that a person can have nothing to do with a child. That someone else can take care or them, put them to bed, teach them how to ride a bike, support them finacially, and be in every manner of the word thier parent. But as soon as someone else wants to be called Daddy they show up claiming that they love the child. He told him that it was a good thing that he had sobered up and that his other three children whom he had taken care of on and off would greatly appreciate it. But that he has by leagal and moral definition abondoned our daughter. That he would therefore be ruling in favor of the Plaintif (my hubby). He said much more than that. But that was the basics. Let me know if you want more details after the 19th. Take heart, and be proud you are protecting your children from these selfish people. Also know that I in no way shape or form condem those who willingly give up their children for the sake of their children. That is true honor. Only those who will harm their kids for the sake of their egos.

One more quik note. We did not alow the bio Dad to see our daughter when he asked to. After we had contacted him. As this would count against us in court. And it would have been devistating to our daughter. We just told him we would be out of town, a lie (but it kept the fight in court instead of in person). And then had the papers served.

So You are a fellow San Bernardinoin. Sorry to hear about the fires affecting you. It was sad.I actually have only heard all the positive things about the judge in our county. i heard he does noy really put up with the dead beats perse. i also heard our social worker is great also.I wish I could lie and prevent him from seeing her, but it is a court order in family law court and i am too far right now in the process to diobey it. orientation is on tuesday with the social worker. can you tell me what that is about and what happens after that? when i talked to judy on the phone she said there is still a process to go through. she said it takes about 2 months before we get the investigation. is that just a over time period, could it happen faster? how did your social worker report come out? I am comfortable with him having his monitored visits , every week he does something that proves he does not treat her like a child and the only reason he is in her life right now is because he is trying to sabotage her relationship with my husband. It is not working yet she is extremely confused about everthing. If I can at least get the social workers investigation by the time these visits are changed to unsupervised I may just not drop her off for the visitations. I know we did get a lawyer and he will know how to manipulate the situation to help our case. He did after all abandone her for almost 4 years and I have letters admitting he abandoned her. I know our a case is not a slam dunk but I also know it is about the best interest of our daughter. I am willing to wait till the 19th for that info it will be real interesting and if you can answer the few questions I did ask it would be greatly appreciated. I will look foward to hearing from you. I am just happpy we are from the same county. That helps.

Our judge is wonderful. He does not put up with dead beats at all. Our experiance was that he saw through my ex with clarity. He also said in his closing statement that he thought it said alot about my ex's motivation that he did not offer any support. Even though the county had taken it out of his pay checks. The orentation is just a bunch of people go in as a group and Judy explains the process... including under what laws you would be filing and gives you more paper work to fill out. Judy is also wonderful. She is very good about returning phone calls, moral support, and answering any questions you may have. Once you go to the orentation you will have to have some referances sent in. And if you have not already your husband will need to get a lifescan done, ( a back round check). Our interview was just fine. Jusy came over and sat and talked with us for about an hour. The kids were there and she just observed us for a while. The home evaluation is not nearly as invasive with a step parent adoption as in a regular adoption. As they asume that since the child is with one bio parent they are in a good place. We did have a very clear cut case. We did not even know where my ex was. You can also ask Judy what her experiance has been in cases similar to yours. She will answer honestly. How fast you get your interview with Judy at your home kind of depends on how fast you get your paper work in, as well as what her schedule is like. As she is the only step parent adoption social worker for San Bernardino. But when you go in for your orentation she will explain all that. She is very down to earth. Did he file for vivistation and family law stuff before you filed for the adoption? The most important thing I could tell you is document document document. When we went in our lawyer had taken the documenting that I had done and typed it into a statement. It was shown to my ex who only argued with one part of it. So even though the judge did question me for clarity, and the other atty questioned me for harassment (although he seemed to think he was getting something out of it) He relied on my statement for most of the trial. My atty also relied heavily on the hearsay thing as I said before. My ex could only submit what he had proof of. That doesn't include what he told so and so. I realise that your case is much more complicated than ours....Again our judge has a good reputation for a reason. And Judy is in this area of social services because she likes to be a part of bringing families together, not taking them apart.

If I were you I would try to get things through as soon as possible. Also you can have the abondonement hearing and the adoption hearing set for the same day. . Are you using the same atty for the adoption as the family law stuff?

No I do not have an attorney for the family law. My adoption attorney will help out with the family law, yet he can not appear because my family law case is out of riverside county and I have to go all the way to Murrietta for the hearings. I have devised a plan to prolong him getting the child unsupervised before the decision of the adoption. We are going to go as fast as we can go, the only delay is other peoples schedules. How can you have the abandonement and the adoption hearing at the same point if he has an appealate period? Thanks for the info. I have kinda already told Judy some of the details before we filed because I was curious on how to file for the adoption and at first we were talking about doing it without and attorney, that was until we found out that the family law would put a damper on our case. He filed for custody visitation the monday before we filed for the adoption, yet I did not know he had filed. All we knew was he was out of prison and trying to track us down, then somebody brought up the idea of adoption to protect my daughter and I started to investigate it and then we filed. I later found out that there was a 1 month lapse since before trying to contact us. We are going to make that evidence known. He also has been really laying on the visitation thing since my husband told him our intentions on the adoptions. The whole thing is he is banking on what he is going to do not what he has done and I think the judge and Judy will get his number real quick. Thanks for all the advice. DO we have to pay for the live scan also or is that covered in the cost of the investigation? Hope to hear from you soon.

We had our orientation with Judy yesterday. She is wonderful. She gave us much added hope and from just the basics she makes it sound like the report will be in our favor.In fact when we said he would not sign a consent she seemed a little mad. We turned in all our paper work the same day and she said she should be able to get out to a visit within the next few weeks. I heard from our attorney we still have months before the hearing and the report is done, is that how it worked with you or do you think it happened faster? In fact by this time did you already have a hearing date set or does the attorney have to wait for the report? I heard that we would have more pull in the fam court if the freedom from custody is filed, Do you remember at what point that was filed for you? I am just wondering if you remember . I am planning on just going ahead once he gets unsupervised visitation with her not allowing her to see him. The worst that will happen is I will go to jail but the adoption will hopefully go through before it so I can go to family law court and say " Well he is no longer her parent!" I just have to see. That is why I am asking questions about the time period thing, so I can plan it just right.So if you recall let me know.

Respectfully, I just want to say that I am a bit taken back my the title and tone of this thread. I am all for terminating a parents rights if it is deserved. However, I cant see how taken someone's child away is ever a reason to cheer and throw parties. I know there are parents that come on this board who have had their rights terminated and I think the tone of this thread is a bit insensitive to them. How would the devestated aparents on this board, who have had failed adoptions, feel if they came across posts by birthparents celebrating how they took a child from an aparent? Hi AJBs Mom, The term "donor" is extremely offensive to birthfathers and it should never be used. I am not looking to get in a confrontation so I will not post on this thread again. I just wanted to say my little bit. I apologize for disrupting this thread.

Dear DavidKen, Again, respectfully back, but I feel the need to express to you that stepparent adoptions are different. When you have a child of your spouse that you have loved, cared for, nurtured and supported, and in most cases, for years and had to watch that child suffer because their "birthfather" or "birthmother" never wrote, called, visited, and if they had any kind of contact it was to make promises they would never keep, or to badmouth the people that were taking care of them, when you've seen that happen to a child, the word "donor" tends to be the only civil word that comes to mind. Termination of parental right is not something the courts take lightly. It is a very serious undertaking and when it it granted it is warranted. In independant and private adoptions, you are talking about people who are giving consent to their child being adopted because they are looking out for that child's future and best interest. They are doing it out of love for their child. Big difference. For instance when my ex contested my husband adopting my daughter, it was not because he felt he was a good parent or that he could be a good parent, he did it to make things difficult for me. He went so far as to say so. He had also been out of her life since I was 3 weeks pregnant with her.My husband and I gave my ex every opportunity to make a change for the better, we finally made the decision to insure that my daughter would have the continual stability of the home and family she knew in the event anything happened to me, and my husband filed to adopt her when she was 6. My ex contested knowing my daughter knew my husband as her dad and that he was a stranger to her. My ex never made any effort during all those years to establish a relationship with her. He had my number, he even called it occasionally to give me a hard time but never asked to speak with her. When someone does that, as a woman, I have to think, I could have had a child and raised it alone and gone through less pain and misery if I had just gone to a sperm bank. If I had wanted my child to be fatherless, that is what I would have done. Now, I don't know your story. I don't know if you agreed to adoption of your child or were never informed of your child's existance and were never given the opportunity to father, but in a stepparent adoption, you are dealing with a different type of birthparent.... You just are. Please, do not think I am insensitive to birthparents or adoptees. A very close friend of mine whom I have known for 14 years is a birthmother and I recently conducted a search for her and found and reunited her with her birthdaughter. My husband was adopted and I adopted my husband's son in a stepparent adoption. So, I do have an understanding of the emotional workings of adoption. I also believe that you are taking the celebration out of context. The making of a family is a celebration. I do believe that any A-parent that has successfully adopted celebrates that moment. If it manifests itself as a party, I cannot see the harm in that. Most stepparent adoptions are with an older child that knows exactly what is going on,in some cases they have been through a lot with their birthparent, and they want the adoption. In a stepparent adoption a socialworker interviews the child who is the subject of the adoption, alone, and ask them whether they want the adoption or not. They fully explain the process to the child so they understand exactly what an adoption means and what it means in the context of the relationship being terminated with their birthparent. In California if the child is over the age of 12 they must sign the documents consenting to the adoption in front of a judge and can sign younger. When the adoptions were finalized in my family my children were thrilled and wanted to throw a party, why, because someone loved them so much that they did everything in their power to make them part of their family forever. In fact my son, when we left the courtroom the day we finalized his adoption, said, "Finally we are a whole family." For my kids, their future uncertainty was gone and they knew for sure who their family was and where they stood. I believe that is a reason to celebrate.

Dear Davidked, I just wanted to respond for your sake as well as any other birth parent who may have been offended. Kallen put it all very well in her response. But I wanted to add a bit more to that. I in no way shape or form think it is okay or in the best interest of a child to be taken away from a parent who is a postive aspect of their life. I think that the child should have some form of access to both parents on a daily basis. I am aware that no matter how close my daughter is with her adoptive father, that the absence of her biological father will cause her pain. And I did all within my power to not only allow but help cultivate a relationship between the two of them. Until it was CLEAR that he was geuinely dangerous to her. I don't think it neccissary to go into details of what that was. Only that her well being as well as her life were in danger with him. I also only refer to sperm donors. When that is what they are. A man who is involved in his child's life (who behave as a parent) can not and should not be refered to in such a direspectful way. In our case this man had in no way even attempted to take care of or see my daughter. Until he thought His rights were in question. He did not even call her on the phone, or write he a letter, much less try to see her before this. Therefor we could not call him a father to her. Father is a relationship that you earn. Not something a person has a right to. And anyone who has any idea what a child goes through from an abusive parent, or a parent who abandones them, could begrudge that child being taken care of and loved by someone else. The laws are very clear. In that you have to not support or contact your child to have your rights taken away under this code. And that is as it should be. Any person who has done those things is by all meaning that child's parent blood or not. If any person gives that little effort to these children they do not deserve them. If a parent has taken care of their kids (not just in their own mind, but in reality as very few people will admit that even to themselves) there is no greater evil than to deney either of that that relationship. I also think that you have taken the perspective of a wronged parent and not that of the child. We did not celebrate his child being taken away. As a matter of fact I am very sorry for any pain he has been caused. As he is truely mentaly ill, and was not even cabable of being there for her. I am not however sorry that my daughter is safe. Her well being is my responsibility, not the feelings of her biological father. Our celebration was for her security. That should something happen to me she would not be sent to live with a drug dealing, child raping, violent man. Or his family who have already been abandoned and abused by him several times. We were celebrating that she would have the knowledge that her adoptive father loved her so much that he would do everything he could to assure her safety. As well as her emotional security. So if we have offended you by refering to our children being better off without these not only selfcentered but damaging people. I can only assume that you did not get the full picture of what is going on. Or that you misunderstood what were are trying to acomplish by providing support to people that are going through this. Best of luck to you and your child.

From the moderators perspective - the use of sperm donor to refer to a Non-sperm donor (meaning a biological parent to a child formed in a non-ivf procedure) is disrespectful and not permitted. Its usage in this thread has been removed. We ask that you please respect the TOS. Failure to do so will result in the removal of the posts and banning from this site. Personal attacks on individuals or agencies will not be tolerated. Community Websites are intended to be a positive, safe place for everyone. If you read a post and your views differ please respond in a kind and respectful manner. Some of the situations posted on the forums are complex. Please express your thoughts respectfully in a manner that is helpful and courteous.

Sorry to anyone that I have offended. As I did not mean any disrespect to you. I will alter my vocabulary from now on.

Thank You :) We want to make sure we are a safe place for all! :)

I just want to apologize also seeing that I may be the colpret for starting the use of the word in this THREAD. I did not mean to offend anyone either.