when memories return..oh my

me too,my partner haS 2 BOYS HE CANNOT SEE :( he seems to understand more than i thought he would. he has been very patient to remain with me,we met 9 years ago.......... i havent given him as much love as i should because i was so numb inside.I can't believe how patient he has been. so now i just take each day as it comes... my heart gets warmer,yes the memories hurt but at the same time they are soo comforting too. best wishes aymander xxxxxxxxxx

indogo wrote..i havent given him as much love as i should because i was so numb inside. I know that one as well.. My daughter will say that it was not nice growing up with a permanently depressed mother.. I wasn't really depressed I just was not happy a lot of the time.. The book 'Care of the Soul' (Thomas Moore) told me that we need to connect to our feeling self.. Work our way through to it..That really got to me.. How do I do that.. I thought.. I can't remember how I was supposed to do it according to the book.. but I think I have done a lot of it.. I keep trying to catch myself when I shut down emotionally.. Jackie

so now what?.........

I am sitting here tonight "remembering". I was watching a television show about a father who walked away from his son and three years later regreted the decision and wanted joint custody. I know I will always wish I could have her with me daily and I wonder how I will fell over the years. I hope my financial situation will improve and then I wonder if I will feel guilt that I didn't struggle to keep her. Her aparents and I have a very open relationship, and they are wonderful people. My feelings are just so overwhelming. I'm screaming inside. I wish there was an answer for us all.....

can imagine u sitting there watching the show-so sorry ((hugz)) amanda xxxxxxxxx

krissy07 wrote..I was watching a television show about a father who walked away from his son and three years later regreted the decision and wanted joint custody. If there is one solid thing I have learned in all this it is.. We can not go back and change a single thing.. Life just plain goes on.. The sons and daughters adapt to the new life.. I used to think.. Its us who are in trouble.. Jackie

i think we are here to learn and that god has a plan. and i have hope-it keeps you going through the hard times. could have beens and should have beens are bad roads to walk down...very lonel too..we could walk a little way together if you like?? hugz amanda xxxxxxxxxxx

If it were not for my husband now.... I would have more than likely ended up dead. I went on a drinking binge after my boys were placed for adoption (10 years ago). The pain never goes away and neither does the what if this and what if that. For the longest time I felt that I let my Boys down... that I failed them in some way. At the time of all of this I was never once offered counciling or a support group or anything else. The caseworker told me to "just deal with it". Hindsight being 20/20 I did the ONLY thing I could do to get my boys in a safe place. As for my 4 younger children...... they are 9, 8, 6 and almost 3.... I have been open with them about their big brothers as I feel they NEED to know!!!

thanks amanda. i think that's what gets me by day to day. i know that God does everything for a reason, and my aparents are absolutely wonderful people. i know that they definantly deserve all their blessings, including our daughter. my parents always told me God never gives us anything we can't handle, so i know by his grace and strength i will make it through. thanks for your support. it's so healing to have someone to vent my feelings to that really understands where i'm coming from. xxxxxxxxx krissy

its what keeps me going too,hope.he who has hope has everything. its been about ten years for me too...the pain has been worse recently than ever,i had been numb,frozen over for many many years. coming up to christmas,times like this,it always hurts more i think.i often say to mike,who is indeed my angel,i say if i don't understand beofre i die,what reason this has happened for-then i shall be so good that i can go to heaven and ask god personally-lol!!! i now have 2 boys,when i look at photographs of them,the two of them sat together ,i can't help but wonder what it would be like..what it would be like ....there should be three of them.but i try not to walk down that lane.i try to keep focused on the now,and on dayz i have like that i ask god to hold me....and i am sure he does. thankyou for caring too. lets hold on tightly to eachothers hand and walk together xxxxx

Indogo I feel your pain in your words.......I too am a bmom and have been in contact now for 1 year, I am going to have a reunion in 3 weeks with my bson for the 1st time in 24 years, my heart is full of joy and sorrow and a bag of mixed emotions running amok. It will be the first time I can kiss his cheeks again, all my life the picture of that little boy at the hospital embedded in my mind will now be replaced of that handsome young man he's become, and I will wipe my tears at both the memory and remembrance of why I did what I did 24 years earlier and that I must remember that he has grown to be that fine handsome young man I had always dreamt. I have tears running down my cheeks as I think of you and my first years thinking how the pain will ever subside.......and it does over the years, not as bad as it was in the beginning, but it's still there....one will never be able to erase those feelings. You own those, it's yours alone and it's okay. Be thankful you have that Angel, I don't have the angel like yours though I wish I did, but I do rely on a my very best friend who gets me through times like that, she's my cheerleader and support system for 30 years now. Keep the spirit.........chin up! Good luck~

i understand how you must be feeling,i am so pleased that you are going to see your son again((hugz)) see thing is,i didnt place my son,i was young and vulnerable as we all are sometimes.my fostermom turned up to take him just for the weekend-i never saw him again.he was in fostercare at first.i told them to get him adopted as i didnt want him having the same life pattern as me. thats was the hardest thing to do,i felt like i had a choice but realy i didnt.i convinced myself for years,that josh was at home.its what i used to tell people when they asked where he was.i dreaded going home as i knew he wasnt there.then i convinced myself for a few more years that i had put him for adoption of my own accord.from the start.and that i was fine,and that i had dealt with it. truth is,all of it bl;ew my mind.i believed no one could take my baby away,we were so close.everyday i was fighting for him.i passed assessments,was in a home for moms and babies,they let me keep him,i did all that but then they took him anyway.%$"* i then went numb for years-couldnt remember anything at all-not a thing.not even his birthday. i look to the day we meet again,i realise i am an important part of his life,i now work on myself,making me some one he can be very proud of. I have 2 more boys,finn is 3 and already knows he has a brother,well he has 3 brothers,my dh has 2 boys he misses desperatley. i run a national charity,i make blankets and hats for preemie babies. i sing and dance,have recorded 4 albums. i have a beautiful man. the list could go on.i could list what i dont have but i dont-i only count my blessings. love amanda xxxxxx ((hugz to you all))

indogo wrote..i now work on myself,making me some one he can be very proud of. Someone he wants to know.. Thats the final stage of this.. Good for you to turn it around.. Good for you. Jackie

Amanda, I've been missing you. Glad to hear you're doing good though. Hope to talk to you again soon. Michelle

you know where i am-great to hear from you..hope you are well. love amanda xxxxxxxxxxxx