Why are we "scary?"

THAT BASIC! Imagine someone coming to take your dog or cat, because they can, and then multiply that by a hundred thousand percent, I am a birth parent and I know the adoptive parents fear not only my ability to physically take a child away, but I could show up at a time when my child is rebelling and take them away emotionally. Every adoptive parent out there is a hero in ways birht parents were not able to be - I thank every adoptive parent out there who said I want to help and I hope you will let me! I would love to see a poll of birth parents who gave a child up for adoption and later adopted another child. My guess, very small percentage - it takes all types of people to make the world go round, but adoptive parents sure do make the gears grind smoother!!! Thank you from a birth mom who is about to try to say Thank you to the adoptive parents!!!

I'm not following your logic. How a birthparent can come and take the child away physically after TPR? (and I'm assuming we are discussion the scary factor post TPR, I think it's obvious how it could be scary before) I'm not sure of anyone that can come and take my cat or dog from me either, but my semi open adoption and pet ownership are two different things. (I'm picturing a knock on the door from an angry barking dog growling and snarling looking for it's puppy back..... sorry I know that's far fetched, but that's my point.) I think as a birthmom, it's insulting that you would insinuate it's POSSIBLE for children to be "taken away" after TPR, it perpetuates a stereotype that a lot of us have tried to battle in facilitating healthy relationships with our children's families. I don't believe that an adopted child is in anymore danger of being "taken away" as you put it by a birthparent than there is a danger of them being taken by a stranger, or an estranged family member. Most birthmothers that I know are not hiding in bushes and vans waiting to snatch back the children they placed. Most are completely respectful and supportive of their children's parents and their role in their lives. I especially take offense to this as I have to battle the "scary" aspect in my own situation from a completely subjective point of view, and not from the basis of any action or word I have said. It's frustrating and hard and it shouldn't have to be.

As an a-mother in two completely closed and one completely open adoption, I can understand the distrust. One of the bloggers on this board said to me, in another context "Just because we gave up the right to parent our child does not mean we gave up the right to be the mother. We will always be the mother!"Okay, so what does that make us? The babysitters for the first 18 years until b-mother can bypass us, contact the child through MySpace and instigate a reunion? And if it is an open adoption, they don't have to wait until the child is 18. Just jump right in and have the b-child involved with b-mom's entire life! I have seen b-moms in open adoption who wanted their child to: be a member of their wedding, witness the birth of a half-sibling, go on vacation with the b-family, go to family reunions, attend funerals, etc. All the event milestones that families do together. I expect to get flamed for saying this, but some b-mothers treat open adoption like boarding a horse in a stable. I'll come by and ride my horse and maybe take it to horse shows, but someone else (the a-parents) can feed it, groom it, dose it for colic, buy it new shoes and shovel the horse manure.

[FONT="Verdana"]radagk,

I have read your other posts, and I see that your daughter has found you and that you are about to have your first face to face. Congratulations. I remember that time in my reunion, when I was so grateful and happy, and I believed that all adoptive parents were saints and heroes - something I was indoctrinate with by the adoption agency. I actually wanted that to be true! I have sadly found out that adoptive parents are human, just like you and I, rather than heroes and saints. It is my belief that most adoptive parents in infant adoption choose to adopt because they want the joy of raising a child and want to build a family, not because the are selfless heroes who only have a desire to rescue a child but would otherwise remain childless.

I am glad that you have good feelings toward adoptive parents, but at the same time if feels that you are putting down "birth" parents as a whole, and I don't agree with that. Parents who place their children because they cannot or were not allowed to care for their children are heroes too, if you want to throw that title around. A parent who sacrifices themselves for a child is a hero, whether adoptive or birth parent (although isn't that really what a parent is - someone who sacrifices themselves for their child, no matter what form that sacrifice takes?).

As far as your "poll", I would agree that birth parents don't generally go on to adopt. I suspect the reasons for that have nothing to do with hero status and everything to do with fertility issues (many can have other children, although some (including myself) experience secondary infertility), and certainly in my case I could never bring myself to adopt an infant because I could not derive joy from a situation where I knew the first family was hurting so badly from their loss, after having hurt so badly from the loss of my son. I have talked to many first mothers who feel the same way that I do. I am thinking about becoming a foster parent to older children - not to adopt them but to give them a helping hand.

One of the sad things about adoption is that, in many cases, the birth families are beaten down emotionally to believe that they are somehow less than the rest of society, because they were once at a place in their life that they were forced to make a devastating decision that put the welfare of their child above their own welfare and peace of mind. Those people who make that sacrifice, instead of being honored, are despised and denigrated and yes FEARED. I know - I have lived that life for almost thirty years. Even though I am an accomplished, intelligent, loving and contributing member of society - to some I will always be looked down upon for placing a child as a date raped teenager. My son's adoptive parents are in no way better than I am because they had fertility issues and therefore chose to adopt an infant at a time in their life when they could afford to do so. However, they look down on me as someone "less than" and evil, because I placed my child for adoption. They also fear me for who I am and have complained that, having "let me in" to my son's life during reunion, they can now never "get rid of me." These people are all too human.

I hope your reunion with your daughter goes well. Please don't be in a rush to put yourself down as your daughter's first mother. You are an important part of her life too - you too are a hero. [/FONT]

I think we have two different ideas on what open adoption is. My daughter has a mother and a father. She has a birthmother and a birthfather. I see these roles as different and exclusive. Some don't. I don't see OA as coparenting, babysitting or shared custody. I don't know many birthmoms who do. I think that's a common misconception of OA. But that's my reality. Maybe others have that struggle. I am my daughter's mother. My daughter's mother is her mother. We are not her mother in the same capacity, but neither one of us is any less her mother. I don't believe one takes away from the other. That's just what I believe. I signed away my right to parent. I do not make parenting decisions, I do not share the joys or experience the lows. I don't want the good times and "ride the horse" so to speak. I love her and I'm proud of her. I'm still her mother. That never changes. Her mother is still her mother. That doesn't change either. I know a lot of mothers who do not kiss boo boos and basically neglect their children emotionally. I also know a lot of people who aren't the traditional, everyday mothers who love other's children like their own. Different strokes..... I know birthparents who invite children to weddings, go on vacations etc. I also personally know a family who revolves their vacations around their twins birthmother, who invites her to their birthday parties, family functions etc. It happens. My friend loves that her children's birthmom is such a wonderful part and active part of their lives. She sees her children's birthmother as part of her family, and treats her as such. If it works for them, who are we to judge? I can contact my daughter on myspace. My ex's brother can. Creepy guy on myspace can. My neighbor can. That's just what it is. I personally don't, because it's disrespectful to the discussions that I have had and disrespectful to my daughter's mother's role. But you know, for all the years that I was out of touch, my daughter's parents could have come back into my life unannounced and told me they would be interested in me getting to know my daughter. What if I didn't want that? Would that have been wrong of them to come into my life and "demand" things if that was the case? At the end of the day, it's not about what I want in a relationship and it's not about what my daughter's parents want, it's what my daughter wants. And if my daughter could go friend me on myspace or write me back or decide she wants me in her life, well, why should she not have that? If she is old enough to make that decision, then isn't that the perspective that is most important? And if she doesn't, well that's her prerogative right? You wouldn't expect an 18 year old to ask their mom for permission everytime they make a new friend, would you? Would you expect me to say "well, if it's OK with your mom, then we can be friends....."? I don't think it is beneficial to either of us to make that a difficult task for her if she feels there is a place in her life for all of us. I think what the adoptee wants is way lost in the equation way too often. But this is an age old debate that just goes around in circles, and is slightly off topic.....

To automatically assign one side of the triad to the ‘troublemaker’ role is to do a huge disservice to the adoption community. Knowing that, no matter who I am or what I do, some people will always see me as this ‘less than’ person, simply because I placed my daughter for adoption really makes me seethe. Knowing that bad OA relationships will always define who I am in an OA with my daughter and her parents, saddens me a great deal.Knowing that, for some people, I will always be guilty of something regardless of what that something is…or whether or not I’ve done something to them personally or not. For some, being a birth parent automatically makes me ‘less’ than a normal person…and my voice is often accompanied with the caveat that I am a birth parent, therefore, less valued. I wonder how adoptive parents here would feel if I assigned them the opinions I have from my own adoption experience? That they can’t possibly love their adopted children – people are incapable of loving those who are not genetically related to them.That they should not be financially responsible for their adopted child in a divorce/custody case because they aren’t really related to the ‘kid in question’. That adoptive parents only love their adopted child until they are able to get pregnant with a ‘real child’ – which they will inevitably do, because everyone knows the number one cure for fertility issues is adoption.It’s disgusting – isn’t it? But it’s my reality – my personal experience. One I don’t assign to every adoptive parent on the forums. It only stands to reason that I would expect people to allow me to prove myself, rather than have them assign their personal experiences to me, who they don’t even know.

Really don't like this comment. I can not nor would I show up on my daughters doorstep and demand my daughter back. I cannot do that. Brandy I have to agree with you totally. To make me a bad person because of a few "bad apples" is not right. I don't think all adoptive parents are bad because of issues I have with my daughters parents. Because where ever you go there are going to be the "bad apples" that everyone remembers and condemns the rest of us as a bad person. Mama: you are Mom. I will always love Supergirl and I will always Mother her but not in the way her Mother can Mother. If that makes any sense at all. I will always have her interests at heart. I will hurt if she is hurt. I will laugh when she laughs and I will cry if she cries. I cannot do the 24/7 things that she needs but she has her Mom for that. I am just an extention of the love she has around her.

Jenna- Thank you for recomending the book. I'm excitied to read some current info on open adoption. I read the "girls who went away" and identified with some aspects but I'm really hoping this book can help me better understand our modern open adoptions.

I was struck by your comment, because i'm getting married in a few months and my b-son is going to be my ring bearer, my nieces are going to be my flowergirls, my dad is my officient...etc. And yes, as you mentioned this is something families do together, and he IS apart of my family. Me asking him to participate is not taking advantage or taking anything away from his a-parents, it is acknowleging my love for him. And just as you feel you will always be a mother, I feel the same way. His a-mom will aways be his mom, and so will I. A-moms are not babysitters just as birthmoms are not incubaters!

Isabo, I just want to thank you for saying what's been on my mind since I read the post last night by radagk. It's been bugging me all day... When I finally formulated what I wanted to say in response, I saw that you had already taken the words right out of my mouth! I can't really add much, since you've covered pretty much what I had on my mind. I do hope you decide to foster older kids, though. I fostered teenagers for many years, mostly kids coming out of the juvenile justice system. I stopped fostering when I bought my place up here in the rural Sierra foothills a few years ago. But I am seriously thinking about opening up my home once again. There is a huge need for foster parents who are willing to work with troubled adolescents in my county, as I imagine there is all across the nation.

I think for some aparents, it's not so much fear or disdain of the bmom/bdad which would keep them from opening things up totally, but rather wanting more of a boundary in place or a certain sense of privacy. Some people are very comfortable bringing the bmom/dad into their family, sort of like an extended family, doing things together quite frequently, and having involvment in important family events. For others, they may not be comforatable with that level of closeness. I wouldn't say this is a bad thing, but just a matter of comfort level.

Maybe I am just a little bit out there with my thought processes in general, but I believe if people cast negative thoughts on others, it is usually because of insecurities within themselves. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am never affected by the nasty stereotyping, just that I prefer to think it is that person's problem rather than mine. The other thought I have is people usually are quick to make some snap judgment about others, but once they have a "face" to put with the judgment, they usually say something like, "well, I don't mean you......" JMO

It's always interesting when an old thread reactivates. It seems to me that it is often easier for all of us to think in stereotypes instead of dealing with each individual situation and person. Any time we say "all birthmoms" or "all adoptive parents" we are going to be incredibly inaccurate. I for instance, have never done illegal drugs, nor sold my body for money, nor been a teen mother, or on welfare, but we all know the stereotype that birthmothers are _____ (fill in the blank.) I need to say, by the way, that I've never considered D's adoptive parents to be his "babysitters," nor would I ever have dreamed of walking in and taking D. I am delighted to have D in my life now, but I will never take his parents place in his life. Once again I think that stories in the media shape how many people view the reality of adoption. The actual reality is that while there are many similarities between various adoptions, each situation is a little different from any other one, because of the individuals and circumstances involved.

Ah, quite nice. I may have to store this in my phrase bank!

Radagk, you could start that thread if you like. There are a number of birthparents who have later adopted who post on the forums. Julie23 is one who comes to mind for me. Please be careful about making sweeping statements. We can get ourselves in trouble when we generalize too much from our own experiences.