people please!!!!

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Michelle, I'm with you in spirit! Yes, I DID consider what was best for my baby. But people kept telling me, "Oh, you're so unselfish," and I kept thinking, "No, not completely! Yes, I want my daughter to have a better life than I can give her. But also, I'm 17! I'm not ready to be a mother." None of which negates how incredibly hard that decision was![/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Lisa Ann, I don't know what was said to you before you started this thread, but don't let anyone make you feel bad about what you decided to do. Only you know the realities of the situation you were in, and of course you made the best choice you felt you could make in those circumstances.[/FONT]

Your posts are inspiring. You are speaking from love and honesty and that is always the right way to go, regardless of where it leads you. We are brought up to think doing the right thing for our own lives is selfish and therefore wrong. It is not wrong to want to live your life the way you choose, if you are not hurting anyone. To assume that placing the baby you love wtih a loving, stable a.family is certainly not an easy cop out--you must have grieved plenty over the years. But neither was it harmful, selfish or second best for your child. AAs a mother, you chose the route that would give your child every chance for stability and growth, and for yourself as well. That mustve taken a lot of courage and yes, honesty. Someone I admire greatly said, "children learn from what we say. They learn more from what we do. They learn most from what we are."

Your posts are inspiring. You are speaking from love and honesty and that is always the right way to go, regardless of where it leads you. We are brought up to think doing the right thing for our own lives is selfish and therefore wrong. It is not wrong to want to live your life the way you choose, if you are not hurting anyone. Placing the baby you love wtih a loving, stable a.family is certainly not an easy cop out--you must have grieved plenty over the years. But neither was it harmful, selfish or second best for your child. AAs a mother, you chose the route that would give your child every chance for stability and growth, and for yourself as well. That mustve taken a lot of courage and yes, honesty. Someone I admire greatly said, "children learn from what we say. They learn more from what we do. They learn most from what we are."

First let me apologize if my post above in anyway upset anyone. I guess I have more unresolved anger that I realized and I truly meant no disrespect to anyone. Yes, each person must make their own decision as to what is best for them and their child at that time. I don`t disagree with that part at all. I only meant that I had no part in the decision of my child`s adoption one way or the other.That was taken from me too by my parents. So to me I don`t know what would have been unselfish for my child`s best interest . Maybe if I had been allowed some input into the decision then I might feel different now. All I know for sure is that my heart was broken then and still is.Everyday of my life I mourn what might have been if she wasn`t taken from me . Who knows,if I had the support of a loving family then maybe that would have helped me make a decision,then I might understand what all of you are saying about someone`s "unselfish" decision to put their baby up for adoption . If anyone has made their decision and is comfortable with it,then that`s great for them.But for me being selfish or unselfish did not enter into the decision process I was excluded from then. Once again I apologize to anyone who may have been offended by the post.I guess I just "felt" the pain in GMH`s post and responded to it. I hope if anyone wants to discuss this with me they will. I never want to hurt anyone,just to try and understand my grief. Thanks for listening,Charlene.

When I first started this thread, it was in reply to a disagrrement about a very small phrase in aprevious post someone had written. It got so blown out of proportion that by the end of it, it was unrecognizable. Each of us has our own reasons and situations surrounding our adoption placements, each one unique. One is neither any better reason than the other. Ladies, we are all in this together and whether we like or not, we have this one common thread that connects us, no matter the situation, the year we placed, or what kind of adoption it was. We all hurt, are sad, scared , grieving and more often than not , silent. I feel each of your pain and sorrow and grief. I have been there, I have been in this situation a long time and have learned some great coping skills, but it doesnt help the root of the problem. We all have our days, when we need support, and Im so glad that we are here to give it to each other, and if we are angry, or hurting, its a safe place to air our feelings. Charlene, you did not offend me at all or hurt my feelings in any way, I hear your pain, and understand it. Thanks ladies, for being understanding , compassionate, and loving toward each other. I appreciate every single one of you, and have the utmost respect for you. We need to stick together, because only we know how the other is feeling. Lisa

What a totally awesome thread!! I just wanted to post my appreciation for the way this thread has been conducted as well. I sense alot of compassion, understanding, and the effort and desire for understanding where it is most difficult. Lisa, thank you for starting this thread. I'm a birthmom too, and hope to contribute some thoughts tomorrow, for now I'm going off to bed. What a nice, full circle thread to be reading at the end of the night. Wonderful. :)

As an adult adoptee, I thank my birthmother every minnute of every day for putting my needs above her own wants. As a mother of six, I completely understand that love of where you would die for your child, however, what kind of life would it have really been for me to live in a shelter, in a car, the street, whereever and to hear me cry every night because there was no formula or I was sick and my mother couldn't afford the medicine. What kind of life would it have been for my mother to work three jobs and me be left with a sitter all the time so she could make ends met? I still would have been "raised" by someone else so to speak. My birthmother was 15 when she got pregnangt and 16 when she had me. I was so glad that her parents wanted to allow her to try to have some sort of childhood left. I know her experienced changed her dramatically, all innocence was lost, but one mistake should not have kept her from being allowed to still have a childhood, or at least what was left of it. The fact of the matter is; it is a bad and painfully situation. Nothing is going to change the hard choices you have had to make. Nothing is going to make it fully right. I know many a birthmother on here I look up to, no they didn't want to give their babies up, but they loved them beyond their own wants and put the baby above all else. And as an adoptee, I do not begrudge my bmother one bit that she knew at 16 she was not able to be a parent. If love alone could have done it, yes, But while love covers a multitude of things, it doesn't buy diapers, formula or give a child shelter. Unplanned and especially teenage pregnancy is never going to have a "Happy" ending, painful choices are going to be made either way. And as I have told my bmom, yes, she did do the right thing, but just because it was the right thing does not mean it was the easy thing or that it was not painful. I thak all you birthmom's here. You have given me a unique look into what my bmom felt and went through. You have all changed and shaped my perspective. I used to think any one could have a baby, it took so much more to be a parent. After coming here and meeting so many of you wonderful moms, it made me realize you are mothers in your own right. You cared for us, protected us, placed us above all else. If that doesn't deserve the title of mom I don't know what does. Carolyn

Carolyn... Thank you.. Jackie

I didn't realize this post was from quite a long time ago, and I was reading it I was enjoying and marveling how respectful everyone was being. It doesn't seem like our threads have been this way lately. What a nice reminder. I thoroughly enjoyed this post from the past.

I was adopted at the age of seven, I thank God everyday to have been put into a family that loved me. At the time I couldn't love them, I didn't know how. I know my natural mom did the best thing in her life was to give up her son and daughter to people who could take care of us.This thread was really inspiring.ThanksTina

I really hate to hear you are having a hard time with people on here. You did what you thought would be the best thing for your babies. If it wasn't for people like you doing whats best for your baby there would be so many couples out there that can't have babies that would never get the chance to be a parent. I have never been in your shoes. I just have a sister that was placed for adoption at birth. I read stories on here hoping it might help me understand both sides point of views on this topic.((((BIG HUGS)))) :)

I know how you feel. I have a 6 year old son, I almost gave him up for adoption but because of the pressure of my family I kept him. I sometimes regret the choice but I love my child with everything in me. I am a single mom, his father decided to disappear. I gave a baby up for adoption two years after my son was born. I hid the pregnancy for the entire 9 months and gave birth by myself. I wish life could be without hardships and pain, but that shapes who we are and who we turn out to be.

im an adoptee and its people like you are the reason i had to live with a adoptive mother who physically and mentally abused me i think someone could have done a better job for my situation so i wouldnt have to suffer the way that i did i deseved to be happy and loved and i didnt get that

Hi Charlene, I am an adoptee born in 1964.I feel so angry and sad about the situation you were in and the loss of your child.My mum was 20 when she had me and she was pressurised to give me up.she did look after me for 6 weeks in a Mother and Baby home, whether that made my adoption easier or harder I don't know. Her life has been utterly devastated and we were both robbed of the person closest to us.I didn't know the circumstances of my adoption till I met her when I was 24.I know she thought of me everyday and to hear her say she loved me-wow, there is nothing to compare with that.I have never blamed her- it was not her decision she felt as if there was no other way and was meant to feel selfish for thinking of denying me a finacially secure 2 parent family.At a time of great vunerability she was made to feel evil and ashamed and I do believe there were adoption policies that were far more to do with saving money than thinking of the best interests of mother and child. I do hope you are reunited someday.I do hope your pain eases-it is so sad that so many mothers were in these sorts of situations. I was given no real information about my adoption and I did stall for a few years before searching as I did not want to put my mum through more upset if she had moved on with her life and put the past behind her.I wish I had searched sooner.If she had searched for me I would have been delighted-I suppose I was worried about how she would react and at the time original mums were not allowed to search for thier child.

I started this post quite awhile ago....And it was appreciated that everyone was so respectful of each others feelings. Plants.... Im so sorry you had the kind of life we birthmothers fear. It is always a fear that we placed our children in that kind of situation. But just know we are only human, and we go into this situation wanting the very best for our children, otherwise in most cases we would have raised them ourselves. I can only speak for myself..and would never dare to speak for another birthmother...But we suffer with stigma and shame and guilt, and in most cases suffer in silence. I feel your pain and acknowledge your anger but believe me your issue does not lie just with "people like us". You can't blame a whole group of people for something your adoptive mother did to you. I feel for you and truly hope that you might seek some counseling to help you deal with your issues and feelings. Best of luck to you.. Blessings..... Lisa