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Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum but not ADHD or adoption. I'll briefly tell you about our family. We have 4 children adopted from Russia and are in the process of adopting four more. Our first two children were adopted over 5 1/2 years ago. At the time, we had no idea about their needs. Our daughter, 11yo, is FAE-- no big deal, easy to handle. Our other two recent children are fine. Our youngest, 4yo boy, was abused and neglected very much before coming to the orphange but has resolved those issues quickly. Our other 9yo girl is fine. The trouble I am having is with the 9yo boy named 'M'. He has been home for over 5 years now. It has definitely been a roller coaster of a ride.
We knew something was wrong the first few months after he came home. Though we were new parents, a child shouldn't bang his head against the wall. No diagnosis given (told we were overreacting) until the lunchbox went flying at the teacher the first day of kindergarten! That got things rolling. He was diagnosed w/ ADHD when he was 5yo. He has always done self-stimulation by rocking side to side. He also constantly rocks back and forth. That has never subsided. Though the orphanage rock as we call it has lessened. He has an orphanage rock and an ADHD rock. He still sucks his thumb at night and he's 9yo. He has absolutely no friends. Even his siblings try to get him to play and he won't. He seems to ostracize himself in a group setting. He does better in a smaller setting. He also has some obsessive behaviors. When he focuses, he cannot stop until he's done. For example, time for recess, but if he's not finished he'll go ballistic b/c he feels he has to finish it. 'M' does not sleep at night and very hard to get up in the morning. Not on task, does not focus, does not follow directions. He shuts down and becomes non-communicative. His emotions are extreme. He seems to try to be really silly, almost like a baby, or really angry. The angry outbursts sometimes are incredible. Though he's very nice to the dogs and shows compassion if someone is hurt or crying. He does try to help people out. Does not get along w/ mom (me) well at all. Definitely, daddy's boy. He digresses alot to childish (baby) behavior. Feels incompetent though he is artistically gifted beyond his years. Loves to read how things work. Caught him reading Plato once though don't think he understood that book. Creepy the stuff he knows. I mean, he can figure things out his dad and I can not. Shows signs of extreme intelligence yet we have repeated 2nd grade and not sure we'll pass 3rd. Not good in math at all. 'M' has emotional meltdowns. He seems to care about nothing. Doesn't care if he's punished at all. Won't respond if we tell him to do something but if you yell, he'll do it. I don't get it. And no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with his hearing. He's on 36mg of concerta and we've tried everything out there. It works a little but we still struggle with eveyrthing. Punishment charts, reward charts, nothing works b/c he could care less about anything. Seriously. You take stuff away, doesn't care. Doesn't care about toys, or school or anything. Wants to make friends so bad but if we have them over, he won't play wtih anyone or talks above them. He talks about electricity and wires and how they work and other kids think he's an idiot! He's quiet. Doesn't talk much. He dazes out quite a bit and I have to shake him to get him back. Not hard, just like a wake up, I'm here shake. He had night terrors when he first came home but outgrew them a few months later. He can not stand loud noises. He will focus on something (like daydreaming) but actually be counting to himself the number of something-- like ceiling tiles, for instance. He is extremely emotional.
Sorry if I mention something twice. Just continuing to write as I think. Just really beside myself on how to help him. Psychologists/ Psychiatrists/teachers/doctors haven't seemed to help over the years. We've had him in an investigational drug study, etc. We practiced holding time which seemed to help him the most. It has also helped since bringing his little brother into the picture. He likes to feel proud of helping the younger one out. 'M' just seems so unhappy to me and I don't know how to help him get happy. What have we missed, what have we done wrong, how do we "fix" things? Please give me any advice. Thank you so much in advance for your help.
At wits end at how to help son,
Stephanie
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Holding time likely works as much of this sounds like attachment behavior. The noises-auditory processing possibly? Counting is a compulsive behavior used often under stress. Has he been evaluated for OCD? May also explain why the rocking hasn't stopped. Does he have any reaction to being touched or if someone bumps him? Sensory integration dysfunction may be part of the issue. Holding time helps regulate this when he can't regulate himself(although you'll likely get opinions against it, I found it affective with my counter).
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but I thought I would mention sending this info to a MD who has experience with international adoptions. We live in VA and I know up around DC there are MDs who deal with these issues.
My son, who is not adopted, is dealing with ADHD issues and it is breaking my heart. I feel like he is ruining so much of his life, and the sad part is that he has no clue! No one calls to play, no parties, etc and he has no clue that he has done this to himself. I cringe when I see him with other children because his behavior is so wrong!
Do you have a good support system? Friends? Church?
Amy
Given the significant history of maltreatment and neglect in an institution, it is much more likely that the children's attention difficulties are caused by sensory-integration problems and not ADHD. In addition, much of what you describe sounds more like significant attachment-related problems. You should get evaluations for all the children from a therapist who specializes in this. In addtion, if it is not too late, you may want to seriously consider not adopting any more children until you have worked to heal the ones in your home now. With the addition of more children and with so many children it is unlikely that you would be able to help any of them.