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I have 5 kids - 3,4,5,7,and 15 (and a 31yo - but she has flown the coop). The 5yo is a compulsive liar. For example - making popsicle stick buildings today - I asked her if she knew where the rest of the sticks were (I had just bought a bunch). She says yes she does know. Please go get them. She doesn't move. We can't build anymore unless you go get the rest of the sticks - do you know where they are? Yes - she still doesn't move. Alrighty - go to your room until you are ready to either get the sticks or tell me where they are. In tears, she goes to her room. I keep looking for them and find them in a bag in the kitchen - where she could not have put them, nor known they were there. I take the bag to her room and ask her if she knows what is in the bag - Nope. Did she really know where the sticks were? Nope. Why did she says she did? I dunno. She kind of shares a room with her sister (they can not sleep in the same room) and were cleaning it. Sister comes out and tells me that the window screen is damaged. I ask if someone put there foot through it (not an uncommon occurence). My 5yo says she did - I go to check on it. The part that is pushed out is behind a window fan. i asked her how she did it. She says she was trying to climb behind the fan and did it with her foot. We talk further - she REALLY (I think) did it when she was watching the dogs out back by pushing on it with her head. I know all the reasons for her lying (her bio-sister 7yo has the same problem but not as bad) and have tried rewards for telling the truth consequences for lying - confronting them by telling them I know they are tellling me a lie - please stop and tell me the truth -nothing works. they have been with me for 17 months and know that when i say I will do something, I keep my word. Any suggestions?
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You're title caused me to giggle then grimace. Been there done that. My breaking point came one night when I was told, "Every time I said I did it, I really didn't!" Of course, later admited she was lying when she said it.
Seriously, this is one of the most annoying behaviors. One thing I found helpful was not giving her an opportunity to lie. Almost always I could figure out what happened, so instead of asking I told. After first, I seemed to think I needed her to acknowledge what I knew to be true, but soon discovered I was wrong. I could go through the tears and frustration or just go ahead and consequence with the same results. One thing to remember is that she may seriously not think you will be able to figure things out and be trully amazed when you do, no matter how obvious. Normal parenting techniques don't always work, think outside the box.
Not knowing, the other circumstances it's hard to give much advise, but I would recommend checking out Dr. Elizabeth Randolph's Children Who Shock and Surprise. She has some great parenting techniques to deal with these types of behaviors. I'd be more than happy to discuss with you if you think it would be of help.
Good Luck,
Cobb
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Yeah - she does have attachment disorder; both she and her bio-sister - and they both present so differently (probably because her sister has so much other stuff going on). It is SO frustrating. When I KNOW what has gone down I will present the facts and see if she confirms, denies, or - this is pretty common - blames one of the other kids - usually the non-verbal one. Her therapist says she has no sense of empathy or sympathy - if she ever had it, she lost it along the way. So, when she lies she has no remorse. In fact, when she does anything 'wrong' she has no remorse - causing pain, physical or emotional, is no big deal to her. It DOES break my heart but the lying makes me batty - especially when she is just lying for no reason - which she acknowledges - she knows when she is lying, she understands she is lying and SO WHAT! ARRRGHHHHH - can't wait for the teen years (said so very sarcastically).