Is adoption a good thing?

I a so sorry for your pain. As an amom, your story is what I fear for myself. But having said that, I wanted to tell you a story about my brother. My brother and I are the biological children of my parents. For a variety of reasons, some reasonable and some not, when my brother got married, he transferred his whole life to his new wife and her family, and left my mother and the rest of my family in the dust. Understand, that he lives just a few miles from all of us, and yet, we are lucky if we see him a few times a year. Last year, he was so "sick of" my family, that he and his wife (they have no children) went to the Bahamas for Christmas, leaving the rest of us bewildered and hurt. I have watched my mother's pain and listened to her sadness, and absolutely nothing will heal her wound, so I can imagine how you feel. (My brother has been married now for 10 years and is 38, so this is no adolescent rejection). The point is, that rejection by your children can happen whether they are biological or adopted and for reasons that are fair and unfair. Please never second-guess your actions in adopting your daughter. You love her, you provided for her, and I sincerely hope that she will come back to you, at least in part. Life can be painful sometimes, and I don't know why, but do not discredit the value of the past years that you enjoyed with your daughter. They are yours to treasure. Don't wash away those memories with regret.

I do cherish the memories and I will NEVER regret adopting any one of my children. They are a blessing. I am seeking help for my daughter. I will always be here for her. I had a wonderful day with her the other day when we shared Christmas. I wish it could always be that way. With a borderline personality you walk on eggshells everyday. She chooses to look at us in a negative way and chooses not to be around us but that doesn't stop me from loving her. I do though have to move on with my life with or without her. I can't stay chained to someone who doesn't want us. I am doing some research in hopes to find help for her. She doesn't want to have a tormented mind but she can't seem to find answers. Meds don't work so far. She may even reject our help as she has done in the past and then get mad at us for not being there for her. Very mixed up.

((Hugs to you love4.)) I am sorry for your pain and I see my future in your situation. I have had 2 daughters with neglect, abuse, BPD and RAD. One, d1, has already returned to her birthfamily and they blame us for her many, many problems. She returned after 3 years with us at age 7. We actually initiated the situation as her problems were more than our family could deal with and stay intact. Her grandparents adopted her, changed her name back and vilified our family. (false allegations etc.) They refer to our other daughter, d2, with her original birth name and disregard our role in her life except for blame. At the last visit we had, d1 told d2 that we kidnapped her. We still have contact with our daughter's, d2's, birthfamily and sister, d1, letters, calls but no face to face. d2 has been with us 7 years now and we have a pretty good family life. Regardless, I can see that given her relationship problems and other issues, she will likely latch on to her birthfamily and not look back. It will take a lot for her to break away from the birthfamily once they get their hooks in her again. I figure that we have her until she turns 18. Then it is anyone's guess what she does. We love having her as part of our family and enjoy the many good memories and fun times we have. In the back of my mind, I think that may be all there will be. I hope not, but that is what I think. My husband thinks we need to enjoy each day because she may not live long once she is on her own due to her issues. We have 2 other kids that I would call attached. I expect them to visit once they are grown and would be very hurt if they don't, and it could be that they won't. I guess it is part of life's uncertainties. Anyway, I waited 16 years to adopt so I will wait out the events in my children's lives. My extended family even thinks that the child we relinquished may return for a visit someday. :confused:

The ones that are young, depending on their situation, it's the best for them. Then there are some I don't know why they do. I look at like this sometimes.... Some just aren't meant to be parents. THEN they grow up, and realize what they have done. And hate themselves for it. (or similar) But they have to look at it like this, it was the best choice for the child at the time. I say that, because my brother and his girlfriend were both 18. He is now 33, married with 2 boys (to another women). He STILL isn't really ready to be a dad. He does ok.. But for him, that was the best thing for my nephew. So for my nephew, he now has parents that REALLY care for him. My brother to this day only sends Xmas gift and Birthday gift to his son. It's somewhat of an open adoption. The birthmom now is married with like 5 kids from what I hear, and still has contact also. Just depends on the situation. All I know is, if they raised the boy back then, he would have been without a lot of needed things!!

I think this is truly hard on you. I 8 months into reunion with my son who found me this year. He has caused a lot of pain all round to aparents and to me his bmom as he has spent the past 10 years relying on alcohol & drugs for self medication. Whilst I understand it to a point, I can see pain all round. The points made on this forum are true, life sucks all round. What makes him think his bio family are any better? I fear that fantasy has gripped him and yet now I am in his life in that I have welcomed him with open arms, he has taken his anger out on me (even if subconciously) and his aparents and he has returned to drugs and the alcohol problem is there too. A week ago he took ecstasy which this time near **** killed him, he was a hairs breath from death. The shock I can't describe, but whether he likes it or not, I am writing to his aparents, particularly his amom to express my sadness and support for her and have asked her to contact me PLEASE (for heavens sake) as no-one told me our son was fighting for life. He told me once revived 2 days later. I can't tell you what that did to me, but pain? Lots of that.Not sure I can cope with much more that he is dishing out, but I see mangled emotions. My thoughts are with aparents. I would hope that bparents would be more considerate and adoptees too, but its down to the personality of the child and how they do/don't connect with afamily, particularly in teenage years. I don't think putting son in boarding school for 8 years where he was abused particularly paved a good pathway for him or aparents, but other son turned out .. fine? Not an easy answer as already mentioned by others. But I send you hugs, plenty of them, as I have needed them consistently throughout joining this forum. x x x x x

Jannyroo, My heart hurts very much for your son. My daughter did many destructive things because of the confusion with adoption issues. She struggles today to get rid of all her negative emotions. My heart breaks as I see her trying hard to be happy. She is doing a lot better but she still struggles. She made life very miserable for us and she is now making life miserable for her birthfamily even though she is very attached to her birthmom. I see her efforts and I am proud of her courage. She has been soooo confused most of her life. Now she is finally coming to a place of peace with what is. I don't tell her of my struggles because she has much too much on her plate just dealing with her own emotions. My heart hurts for you and his adoptive parents. It's hard to watch a child in agony. I pray you can reach his adoptive parents.

Thanks Love4, I sent them a letter today. I wrote it 9 days ago and waited to see my counsellor yesterday and she said (and she is very experienced with all triad members) that it is a very lovely letter, so I sent it today. Its a tricky situation as I get to feeling my bson doesn't want me to contact his amum, but on other times he says yeh, ok mum, but blow, be hanged, I feel us women have to console each other eh? I know they liked my first letter to them upon 1st contact from bson and he said it was great and they loved it. They never replied though, but no matter, I understand. I have read up as much as I can and this forum helps me to try and understand what they must be going through. Now I've asked if they can inform me (if their emotions allow it) if anything bad like this happens again, and to reassure them that I will not come charging up to see him and let them gauge the situation - they may need to have their own privacy, but if they could inform me, that would help, as I was so shocked and still am. To think my son was nearly dead 10 days ago has still left me traumatised and in tears. I can't believe that finding me hasn't changed a thing in that he reached out for the ecstasy tablet in the first place after leaving drugs 2 years ago (or so he says), but his emotions are all over the place. I truly have found this website so educational and amazing for venting feelings and the support has been great. Even my counsellor asked for the website and I've just ordered in the library the Primal Wound although I am a bit scared of reading it. This bson of mine has me on a precipice of volatile emotion and if he pushes any harder, I will fall in and I wont be back. I wished he'd made more effort to learn about reunion and do some kind of research/sought counselling from adoption counsellors as he's an emotionally damaged young man, thats for sure. As much as I understand where he's coming from, I can't do a single thing, he has to help himself. I wish I could talk to his amum and exchange information, but I think their upbringing (upper class, excuse the definition, only one I can think of, because of their restraints in showing emotion which has driven my bson up the wall emotionally) may preclude that. Unlike yourself, I do tell my bson how his behaviour affects me, because he has to have some sense of responsibility as to his actions and that he just can't lash out and expect me to be this all suffering, I will love your forever kind of mum. I'm not. I'm a single person and have been 50 years and I'm not used to that dedicated kind of stuff, I'm used to doing my own thing. This has been a huge strain on my emotional resources, which have never been that strong in the first place. I wish my bson could see that he has so much in place that I never had: his aparents are still married, a strong couple, very kind (the adoption agency said his mum is a great woman and I believe that), but how much has the drugs jangled his emotions and attitudes? I've heard so much from him of how he had a great childhood, it was when he took the cocaine that everything went wrong. I have no idea what his amum has had to cope with, but equally I have no idea what he expects from me. It goes on and on this roller coaster and many times I have wanted to get off. Don't these adoptees realise that reunion doesn't necessarily mean its going to work? if they push that hard and are insensitive to others feelings? I feel as if I'm being blackmailed to staying around, its expected of me. I want to fulfil that, but I only have so much I can cope with. Even my own family were toxic and I had to keep a distance from them for many many years. I only forged a better relationship with my sister and mum, the rest are off limits, they are too much to handle! Hugs to all sufferers x x x I wish I could do more to ease the pain of my bson and his aparents. The pain I am suffering is horrendous. I have emailed my bson and told him that what he told me about the admission to hospital "ripped my heart out and shredded it" - yes he needs to know the consequences of taking that muck that destroys not one life, but all those around them that love them. At the same time, I've let him know that I love him and I want this to work between us. To think that we'd reached a "comfortable place" after many months of hard work communicating, leading to him trusting me - and then 1 tablet nearly destroys everything. I shudder to think of it. Thanks for the (((hugs))) everyone, I've certainly needed them. Same back, don't we all just need them? x x x

I'm a birthmom and I have really been debating this topic with myself lately. I am a few years into reunion and I know that I suffered tremendously, both before the reunion, then after the reunion I went into a tailspin of emotions I did not expect. I thought the loop would be closed and all the pain would cease when I met my child. It did not. It opened up a can of worms for me. This would all be ok with me, as placed my child with the best of intentions for him, thinking I was giving him a better chance at a good life. And his parents couldn't have tried harder or been better. But, it left such a mark on him, he suffered too. And, now that we are in reunion, the parents are freaking out too. So, there you have it, everyone is suffering. I think of myself as some young dumb idiot marching off to war, thinking I was doing some brave and noble thing, when actually I caused a lot of pain to the one I was trying the most to protect. So, in general? No, I don't think adoption is so hot. It just sounds good on paper. If I could go back and redo it, I would keep my baby, he would have been better off with the poverty and teenage mother, at least in this case.

Hi All after all these years. It is too bad that there is so much pain in the adoption triad,enough pain for everyone. I also research genealogy for a hobby. I noticed many adoptions in my familylines. Back in the 1800's adoption was about survival more than having a nice family. My grandmother was an orphan taken in by her second cousins. She and her sister worked on the farm cleaning the bunkhouse and washing big pans from feeding the farm hands. She got to go to school a few days a year when the work was done. She was grateful for a place to live. She ended up getting a position as a governness for a family and was able to marry well. She was a great Mom and Gramdma. Now days we have the luxury of feeling the primal wound and second guessing our decisions. In olden times people were looking for a place to rest and food to eat, anything else was a luxury. How fortunate we have become to be able to think about what else. Another thing I noticed is that the adoptee kept their original name and no one hid the fact of their adoption. It was simple fact and normal in those days. So another question may be asked: Has adoption policy or societies perception of adoption developed in a good way? Best wishes to all members of the triad.

I have been thinking of this lately.. I have been in reunion for over ten years and my bson and I no longer contact each other.. but I find I am healed from all that trauma.. I no longer think of it as the worst thing that happened to me in my life.. Its like I had to travel into reunion and then let it go and boy oh boy it takes time.. but needs must.. I believe that this is a journy that we all must make.. God willing.. Going into that pain is necessary IMO.. Not grieving the loss of a child when the child is given up for adoption is wrong.. Grieve we must and when that happens traveling through it is the best course.. I think of the ones that are caught in the not knowing.. not knowing what happened or the why of it.. I am go grateful that I had the opportunity.. Jackie.. .who is popping in and then popping out.. I still have medical problems so mostly I listen to my books and do puzzles on my computer..

Hi Jackie!!! Nice to see you here! I agree with everything you said. I am in a better place also since we traveled this road. It needed to be. Going through the pain and then letting go............yes! It takes time, at least for me it did! Take Care!

I sent you a private message, Jackie, but it says your box is full. Just a friendly hello and wondering how you are doing!

And healing is the greatest gift we can give ourselves...the peace that comes with accepting the past...with accepting ourselves. The long and winding road...the path...the journey. It's good to see you again, my fellow traveler. Jackie, I look back on my own journey through these past 38 years, and I see how burying the grief in those early years...not validating my own losses...did horrendous damage to my heart, mind, and soul. It was only by walking through the fire, feeling the pain, and acknowledging my losses that I became whole once again. I am grateful....and I thank you for holding my hand along the way. I hope you pop in again soon, my friend. It always warms my heart and brings a smile to my face when I see you here. :loveyou:

I thought of you after I wrote what I wrote yesterday and oh boy it must be a hard road for you...You do the best you can and sometimes if falls apart.. Our children do not come from us but through us.. and I believe that is also the day to day stuff.. I just got back from getting blood tests.. yuk they have me on warfarin because I developed a flutter or something in my heart so I am avoiding a stroke maybe.. I am 68 now.. almost 70.. very strange.. Take care love Jackie

Hello old friend.. That message from another birth mom just popped into my mail box because I subscribed to this thread years ago maybe.. I could not help but answer because I actually am at peace with all that went down.. I have actually come out the other side.. I feel yukky today new pills.. I managed to avoid doctors and pills for a long time.. now they got me.. :arrow: love4 I leave my mail box here full because I am overwhelmed but all the mail in it and I am sure the powers that be are not happy with me.. I still have the old email address jackiejdajda@yahoo.com so anyone that wants to write please do.. love Jackie