Forcing (AKA Encouraging) Kids to have contact with Birth Family

Jen I wouldn't push them into anything they aren't ready for. The boys have their own timeline of dealing with this and I would let it go. Pretty hard to tell them "you need to respect your bfamily" when they themselves were not respected. I know the bfamily is making the effort now, but the boys are still young and I don't think you can expect them to "forgive & forget" at this point. I would simply let them deal with it in their own time. The thank you note is valid; simple common courtesy and good manners. But as far as the "love" and more endearing feelings you might hope for, I wouldn't expect that at all. At least not at this point. I know you are a bit conflicted on the "line" but think you have to allow the boys to determine where that line is and support them in their decision, which I know you are! Crick

Crick,I realise that it has been quite a while since you posted this, but I would like to open this up for discussion again. My son doesn't remember his bgrandma. She has sent him letters via the agency, and I don't know when to give them to him. I want him to feel comfortable, which is very difficult considering I am uncomfortable. Any words???

I don't know how old your son is? That makes a big difference I think, as well as how he's doing emotionally with his adoption or situation surrounding his bfamily. Even if he doesn't remember bgrandma, is he aware that she exists? I have 2 kids that don't remember their bparents and 2 that do (same bparents/sibling group). The 2 that don't remember ar 5 & 6 and the 2 that do remember a bit are 7 & 8. The ones that remember are probably at a point where they want to see a picture or have a letter just to be assured that the bparents are okay and they are not dead. The ones that don't remember have some curiosity but not much. My 5 year old is still coming to terms with what adoption means and isn't quite there yet. He is very loyal to me "you are my momma, not HER" and it's a challenge right now for him to understand everything. He'll get there though!:) However, if I should receive anything from the bparents(letter not answered as of yet...), provided that the info is not harmful or disrespectful, I would likely share this information with them. I'm of the opinion that it's better to share information now rather than later because I believe in the long run, honesty is the best policy. I don't want my kids to say to me "well, my bmom wrote to me but YOU wouldn't let me have her letters because you hated her" etc. I believe it's their information to have and not my right to keep it from them. Of course, as their parent, I have discretion over that information, but want to put their best interests first. But again, that's dealing with my kids. If your son isn't in a place where you think he would accept the information readily, then maybe it's not the right time. I'm not sure what makes you uncomfortable, but you know you always have the option to share a few parts of the letter and not all of it. There's nothing wrong with sharing a bit at a time to test the waters on his reaction and feelings and move from there. If he's young, you can share things like "I heard from your bgrandma today and she's thinking of you. She hopes you are growing big and strong" etc. Or even prior to sharing the letters, you might talk about her in general. Explain who she is and that eventhough she doesn't see him, she loves him. This might help you decide when the right time to share the letters will be. Hope that helps? If not, feel free to ask more. And hopefully others will have some suggestions too.

Clinically, and in terms of YOUR relationship with your children, making the child have contact with a bio parent is not good and will be destructive. If there has been any history of abuse or neglect your making the child have contact is akin to making a scared child go into the haunted house...it undermines your role as a parent to protect and be attuned with your child. If you have reasons for wanting to encourage contact, then you should involve the child in therapy with an appropriate provider so the child can work through the issues of trauma, abandonment, etc. regards

Dr. Art, I was very interested in your response. I am a fost-adopt mom to a sibling group of 3. They are part of a larger group of 9 (or 10, but no word on what became of the last pregnancy). We have mandatory sibling visits with 3 of their 6 siblings, which take place at parks or, God help us, at McDonald's. We have had the older 3 over to our house twice since they were placed in November 2004, and have tried more frequent contact, but we don't always get a return call. What are your recommendations post-adoption? The kids do like seeing their siblings. The visits with the 3 sibs who are also wards are, to me, depressing. They are clearly happy to see each other, but they are not as natural at play with one another as you would think. The 11 year old is HUGELY parentified, and this parentification has been encouraged by their grandmother who is raising them and is in ill-health, and by the agency by keeping the 11 year old and the 3 year old in the grandma's house BECAUSE the 11 year old can take care of the 3 year old! She screams attachment issues to me--she tried to call ME Mom, of all people, and tries to triangulate like crazy. Anyway, the workers at the agency were going to place my 3 with the grandma, but stopped that plan due to the grandmother allowing all kinds of unsupervised contact with mom, who has a serious crack addiction and an affinity for violent, gang-affiliated, prison-history men. The 2 year old and the 3 year old seem very verbally delayed to me. The 2 year old, who is in a non-relative placement--does not make a sound of any kind, not crying, not babbling, not a sound. The 3 year old says "mine's!" but that's all I hear from her. My youngest 2 were diagnosed FAS, which is what I suspect with their siblings, but of course no one will get them assessed. I feel uncomfortable about visits with the birth family because (1) there is a history with mom of serious drug use, domestic violence, possibly prostitution. I have no plans to organize a visit with her, because her life style is too criminal and too violent to risk exposing the kids to it. But (2) I am nervous about organizing visits with the other kids' caregivers, because they enable the birth mother like crazy, and give me the impression that they are hiding something. I don't know what, but it can't be good. I cannot be sure that any visit I planned wouldn't end with a "surprise" visit from the birth mother. My solution is to try to organize a visit at the lakefront, on neutral territory, and see how it goes. I know my children grieve the loss of their siblings, and I know they love each other. I don't want to add to the long, long list of loss each bears. And yet, I don't trust the other adults to protect the children's safety, nor do I trust them not to undermine my role as their mother. At the one sibling visit that the grandmother attended (why doesn't she do this more often, I don't know), she secretly told the children that their former foster mother called her and asked about them, and that she misses them and cries for them. Well, what she may or may not know is that this foster mother was severely abusive, physically and sexually, as well as committing medical neglect and keeping them in a house of utter filth. This did not boost my confidence in grandma. What do you recommend I do? What should I consider? Any literature you can recommend? I want to do the right thing for the kids.

Hi TybeemarieBoy have we been in your shoes... and painfully learned so much. Decisions about contact with birth family members need to be fluid based on each child's need at a given time. We learned that pictures, cards & letters and occasional phone calls were much less chaotic and more rewarding for our kids than the dreaded "visits at McDonalds or wherever..." Another thing we learned was that getting two or three sibs together was much more meaningful than getting together with the whole crew. (they seem to jump into old dynamics on sight of each other). Each of our children has a scrap book and a treasure box that they keep birth family stuff in. As far as the foster family enabeling and the birth families life style. I just had to get a tough skin and tell them the truth. It wouldn't be healthy to expose my little one to certain behaviors or lifestyles. My message to my kids has to be clear..."we don't hang out with folks who have crazy life styles; nor do we hang out with folks who don't support our values/rules etc. for our own kids." Part of claiming our kids all the way was learning that no title (birth mom, sibling, grandparent) was more sacred than the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being our our kids. Hope this helps.... Take Care Carla

How VERY well put!!!!!! We have BTDT too.....and believe that each child is different; but in our case, the visits were with another sib who sexually abused our child. Not good....not good at all. Yet, there we were, required by the state to do so...even though our child would literally crawl into a fetal position after a 'visit'. (Who THINKS of this type of torture, I ask you?) Anyway, as each is different, I firmly believe that if 'old habits continue' (such as parenting the younger sibs, sexual inuendos, etc.)......there is little or no point in continuing the visits.....or at least until the 'new family' unit has had time to settle in and new and healthy habits can have a chance to begin and grow. And in many cases, I do not believe visits need to continue at all. Our child was thrilled when we actually got to stop the visits with his sib. And the sad part, was that the state admitted the purpose of having the visits, was to help in the mental health of the older sib....NOT our child! I'm in full agreement with Dr. Art. If this is scarey, fearful or causes any type of hestitation with the child....discontinue. It can undermine your authority and image of being a caring parent. How could any child feel safe, having to visit with a sexual offender---being told 'how wrong and awful it must have been'; all the while, being forced to 'love them'?

Thank you for your thoughtful replies on this subject. I can see you're right. I will simply have to say to the grandmother, if asked, why it is that I cannot agree to a visit at their family's house. Not something I look forward to doing, but you're right, as the mother, this is something I must do. My kids talked to their 11 year old sister on the phone, and seemed to handle it well. I put on a timer, so each child could speak for 10 minutes to their sister, who also put on the grandmother, which was fine. That limit seemed to help them. The 11 year old told my kids her grandmother said she could go to the visit on the lake that I've been trying to plan. My dd relayed my message that that was great, I would let them know when we were going when their big sister's father and I decided on a mutually convenient time. It will be very interesting to see how the 11 year old being there effects the dynamics. She also wanted my email address. To get adult attention from some one? To manipulate and control? Don't know. Has that happened to anyone? Where one of your children's siblings was mommy shopping? My gut tells me that this poor child is in fact--I hesitate to say a danger, but she's not a healthy influence to have around. She deserves a parent who can meet her needs, but I cannot be that parent. SIGH! Thanks for your support!

Generally, there is no general advice. If the bio relationships are healthy and the bio relatives are healthy, then visits can be positive. If the bio family has been inappropriate then it is NOT in the children's best interests for there to be visits as this undercuts your role as one who protects the child and will keep them safe. If you continue to bring a child to visits with a person who has maltreated the child this is damaging to your relationship with the child. I hope this answers your questions.