Why do parents get upset when.....

Wow. I picked a busy night to go to bed early! So If I'm reading what Lumpkin is saying correctly: 1) I'm self centered and 2) I'm irresponsible. That's probably true of me. At least at 18. Me and 90% of other teenagers. But being self-centered and irresponsible had nothing to do with my unplanned pregnancy or the fact that I placed my child. I won't get into my story here (it would be self-centered to do so) but I will tell you that placing my son was the most painful event of my life so far. But having done so, I live in faith that he was placed in a warm and loving home and has wonderful parents. I resent reading the generatlities from Lynn Barry and others regarding first parents. I do not think of my son's parents as "babysitters". I'm offended by that remark. But, even though they are his parents and I am not, does not stop me from wanting to find out if he's alive, healthy and happy. I want to give him important information about himself. My daughters want a chance to meet their half-brother. But, even if I am lucky enough to get to know him someday, I will NEVER be his parent. I'm enjoying this discussion. Hope it stays open.

Paige, I hope it stays too, but if it doesn't I have gained in understanding having been on adoption.com for the past few years and made a lifelong pal via this site, another mother who struggles as an adoptive mom after reunion...I did not mean to offend, I simply wanted to state what I thought was the obvious...I came alive in an emotional way here in this thread when I felt that a b-mom on this thread seemed to think it her right to be in her child's life later after she had given up that right early on...I don't feel I have a right to be in my daughter's life because I legally was given that right by adopting her...I ideally wish it were that simple, but it isn't...I didn't mean I am a babysitter, I meant I FEEL as if I was a babysitter or glorified foster mom instead of an adoptive mom. How others feel is their right to feel. BTW my daughter reacted violently when my niece went through an open adoption and said her adopted child should never be able to see the b-mom because that b-mom gave the baby up...I thought it was interesting and quite extreme...then again that was before she decided to reunite with her b-people. Thanks.

Not everybody is ready or able to parent a child, despite what others may assume. I was not ready, mentally, financially, emotionally, and in many other ways. There were also issues in my family and bfather's family I did not want my child exposed to. The notion that I was irresponsible for knowing my limitations, knowing the life he would have if I kept him, and making an adoption plan based on what I felt best for my child, rather than "making all sacrifices necessary" to parent my child under circumstances that would have been detrimental to him, really defies logic to me (and if one feels everyone should parent their own kids, why would they then wish to adopt someone else's child?). If you are not at a place where you can parent your child, you simply are not. You cannot change this overnight, unfortunately. You cannot just simply "snap to it." It would be like telling an alcoholic who is not ready to quit drinking "Just do it. Just stop now and make every sacrifice to do so, and if you don't you are weak." In fact, I DID make every sacrifice for my child. To give him the life I wanted him to have, I made an adoption plan. A brave and courageous thing for anyone to do, but as a teen even moreso. I'm sorry to those whose children are estranged from them and are now with the birthfamily, or who feel they were just "babysitters." However, estrangement can happen in any family, whether through adoption or not. When you have children, again, adopted or not, they are free as adults to conduct their lives however they see fit. I feel if adult children (again, whether bio or adopted) are made to feel they "owe" you something because you either birthed them OR raised them, they maybe would want to keep a distance from either parent (birth or adoptive). I know this was the case in my own family (bio). I think the bparents are taking a lot of the venom and blame, when in fact the anger is more about what the adult children are doing or not doing. I'm wondering what the bfamily should do in these situations where their bchild wants more contact with them than the family who raised them. Should the bparents shut them out? Tell them to go away?? Reject them outright?? Maybe my situation is different because I have a semi-open situation and we are all on the same page and treat each other very respectfully. Yes, I relinquished my rights to PARENT, but thankfully I and my son's parents did not take that to mean I lost my right to communicate with them and him. If we meet, I imagine it will make his relationship with them stronger, not weaker. I certainly don't expect to replace his mom, but if he feels a strong bond with me, I do hope she will not look upon herself as being just a babysitter all these years and me being unworthy or not entitled to contact with my son because I "gave him up." Sheesh, this whole discussion got me so worked up, and I hope I did not offend anyone. If I did so inadvertently, I apologize.

And the adoptee has NO choice until they turn age of majority and if forced to chose, then I suppose some do chose only one set of parents but it is sad that they feel they must.

"However, estrangement can happen in any family, whether through adoption or not. When you have children, again, adopted or not, they are free as adults to conduct their lives however they see fit. I feel if adult children (again, whether bio or adopted) are made to feel they "owe" you something because you either birthed them OR raised them, they maybe would want to keep a distance from either parent (birth or adoptive). I know this was the case in my own family (bio)." justpeachy said Just peachy- so very true IMO

I thank you for watching this thread. I can see a lot of respect going out the window here. I do know that in any life situation (not just adoption), a personal experience can sour someone to a particular situation, belief, person, or place. It is unfortunate but it is life. I do want to make one brief reply to something that was posted and then I am done on this subject, as there is no right or wrong. I was very willing to sacrifice and struggle to parent my own children. I had been doing so for 14 months when my youngest son arrived. My second son was born asthmatic and it went undiagnosed despite my concerns about that very issue. I have had severe asthma myself since I was 9 and know all to well how miserable it can be. Thinking now back to my son's first 8 months of life, I get very emotional thinking how scared and miserable that must have been for him. Any continued efforts on my part to have kept my son could very well have cost him his life. I know that my choice was the right choice. I do know too that pregnant women, especially young girls, are counseled extensively, at least this is the current practice in my area, in making sure they do not make any decision regarding their pregnancy based solely on their current deficiencies as these are short-term issues. I also know that it wasn't long after my son was placed for adoption that physicians started providing better care to medicaid patients. If the worst thing a parent has is a lack of money, and therefore a need for public assistance, that is a minor issue and is often temporary. I want any pregnant woman who is concerned about that issue to know that you can still raise your own child with limited income... if YOU choose to do so. I worked my way off of welfare, married the father of my children (16 years this October), and have been pursuing a formal degree (finish my bachelor's this summer, then it is on to a masters and eventually a PhD). You can do anything that you want to do. However, never feel any shame in choosing to place a child for adoption. Parents who choose (or have no other choice) to adopt... I would like to personally thank you. You are no different than any biological parent... you love your child(ren), hurt when they hurt, feel joy and pride in their accomplishments... and even make mistakes along the way in their childhood. You are all great.

bmom to momof2, I reacted strongly to your post and for that I aired a lot of strong feelings and have offended some. Reading the post you just posted actually enlightened me ...thank you. The hugs are real. Take care. I see my son struggle to raise four girls but the main thing is he has never turned his back on them. He fell in love at age 20 with a 22 year old girl who was married but separated and had two girls already. My son loved those girls immediately and at the moment he has joint custody of them as well as the two he had with this girl. Young people can be respponsible I see it with my son who could have turned his back on the 2 and 4 year old when their mother decided to move on once again...but he didn't and they have a b-dad who cares too... All kinds of situations exist. Understanding and open mindedness is needed. All my best.:love:

Lynn: Thank you for that wonderful response. I think it is so difficult to see outside of our own personal experiences sometimes. I have been lucky in that have I have been able to have more than one adoption experience. I have done my fair of struggles to be a good parent, as have millions of parents across the globe. I think we should all be commended. I hope that you can find some positive resolutions in your personal experience. Best wishes to you also.

bmomto2momto2, Now, you've made me cry...and this is what I think is so important to find at this site...understanding through sharing. HUGS and LOVE:love:

Hey now... I don't want to be the source of any tears. However, I am thrilled whenever I can participate in sharing that leads to understanding. I do appreciate ALL VIEWS (even the polar opposites ones). I believe any feeling or concern in adoption is completely valid. HUGS AND LOVE right back to you.

I think I need to add that some people have attachment disorders and I think my daughter probably does. She fits the profile...different caregivers early on...put into the hospital and in the hospital for a while and then placed in foster care and then at age five adopted by my family...unable to attach...when we first met her I was amazed at how she would go off with anyone at any time...too free with herself...so along with insecurities about adopted people meeting their b-relatives there are the VERY real disorders created by early disruption and inability to bond in a healthy way. In this triad these issues are painfully real and have lifelong affects. Something to ponder.

I think what we are losing sight of that adoption happens in many ways. Some Mothers chose to give their babies up at birth AND some are removed from dangerous (and sometimes abusive) Birth families. This are two different situations and reunions would be very different.

But they do know them, on a profoundly deep level. But it's not about what a person does. It's about who they are.

Many of the minors who sign adoption papers are too young to understand the consequences of what they are doing. They simply do not have the experience or capacity. Nor are they given any of the research that shows that adoption hurts themselves and their children profoundly. Lawmakers know that minors are not capable, which is why the latter simply aren't allowed to legally sign for so many things. But it appears they are permitted to sign the one legal document that will profoundly alter at least two people's lives forever. That isn't right. So dismissing the original mother's connection with her child in this simplistic, easy-phrase way simply doesn't acknowledge what's really going on.

I don't understand your point sylvieboots. Do you mean that an apparent knows their child's birth parents because they raised the child ? And do you mean that even though that child would rather be with the birth parents that doesn't matter, only that they are who they are?