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Hi. My name is Debbie. My husband and I adopted my nephew's biological child at birth. My nephew and his girlfriend had just turned 15 at the time. My son is now six months old. We have an open adoption for obvious reasons (relatives) as well as my DH and myself wanting to be open with our child and have no secrets. Before birth, it was agreed that Bmom and Bdad will be called mommy (insert name - not including in post for anonymity of bparents) and daddy (insert name) and that we are mommy and daddy or mom and dad. My 15-y/o nephew now wants to be called dad and his girlfriend mom. An example, one of many, is that when his girlfriend left from visiting, he looked at my son (whose only 6 months so he doesn't understand yet) and said your mommy just left. I said no, his mommy's right here, mommy (insert name) just left. My sister feels that I am being insensitive to them because they "gave me so much." Part of this is true, because my husband and I are unable to conceive and would not be parents w/o adoption, but also they disregard the fact that the child was adopted within the family (their choice -- they didn't want to lose contact and would not do an adoption otherwise) and that they realized that they were in no way able to parent a child at this age. Now for my question, is it wrong for me to want my husband and myself to be called mom and dad or mommy and daddy and for the bmom and bdad (my nephew) be called mommy (insert name) and daddy (insert name). One of the reasons is that I don't want any confusion when he begins to understand. What he chooses to call them once he understands will be up to him, but I want a distinction until then. Am I wrong? Or is my sister? She thinks that if I am secure in my relationship that I shouldn't care if they are called mommy and daddy too. I think it is enough that they are called mommy (insert their name) and daddy (insert their name). I need some opinions on this. I only know of one other person who has adopted so really have no one to really talk to about this. Others think that I am within my rights, but my sister (nephew's mom) doesn't think so and thinks that I am being too hard on the bparents. We live in different states and we (my husband, myself and my son) travel at least every 1 to 1-1/2 months to see them so that they can have contact with them and let them know that they are welcome anytime to visit us. Also, during Christmas, my son visited with my bmom and her family for 1-1/2 hours. The Bmom got upset that I dropped him off at her house and that she couldn't pick him up (they live a mile away from each other - my nephew and her). Am I wrong for wanting to drive my son to the visit? She thinks so and thinks I should have taken my carseat out of my car, install it in her grandmother's car and then when they return do the reverse. I just felt more comfortable driving than having someone I don't really know drive my son. Sorry this is so long. Any comments/criticisms, etc., would be appreciated. I would like to know what others think.
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You are mom and dad, and this is about consistancy and clarity for the child. I imagine this is all further complicated by your sister's relationship to your son, she's a grandma and I'm guessing is called that? And I imagine there are other relatives within the family that have also maintained their traditional roles and titles, for a lack of a better description. That is probably pretty hard for these two birthparents, seeing everyone else get to keep their role in this baby's life and not them.
Be kind with them and firm. I don't how to say this well, but your relationship (in terms of your son's adoption) is first with them and secondly with other family, so any talk about what they are called, when and where you meet should be done with the birthparents. They may be fifteen, but they are the birthparents and need to be equal participants.
I encourage you to get a few books on open adoption. Lois Melina and James Gritter have both written wonderful books (if amazon doesn't have them, check with tapestrybooks- an online adoption bookstore). Tough spot you are in. Whatever you do, don't let anyone (ie your sister) play on the guilt you may be feeling. Always do everything with kindness and a good heart, you can be grateful with every fiber of your being, but being grateful doesn't require that you be shamed into something you did not agree to.
Oh, and by the way, it was a year before I let my MIL, a woman I have known and loved for sixteen years, drive my child *with* me in the car. You are in charge of your kid, plain and simple.
(EDIT- I'm an adoptive mom, didn't read the forum title before responding, sorry)
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I can totally understand your frustration.. we are also adoptive parents to an almost 6 month old.. we also have an open adoption (not a relative, but a very open adoption where we talk to the bio parents a few times a week).
When Jennifer would call to talk to our son I would hear her say things like "mommy and daddy love you" ..
I was not sure what to do as I do not at all want to diminish thier roles.. but at the same time I believe that confusing a small child is NOT a good thing.. in fact.. I am sure that if he heard that when he was older he would say something like "you are not my mommy".. cause thats what kids do.. and that would be very hurtful to Jennifer..
So.. I spoke with her about it and asked when she and Brian would like to be called so that we could start that now and be consistant. we also talked about the fact that while he will know he is adopted.. it is us to HIM if he wants to know who his bio - parents are and how involved he wants to be with them.. so they can be involved until he makes that decision, but they are not allowed to "force" themselves on him..
So.. they decided that they wanted to be called "Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Brian".. we are totally fine with that.. this way they in fact will still "feel" like family (to him) without him knowing that they are in fact his bio parents.. then when he wants to know who his bio parents are.. we will tell him.
anyway.. bottom line.. YOU are his mommy and daddy.. but they are also his bio parents.. you all must come to an agreement on what to call them QUICKLY.. but Mommy/daddy is not a good idea.. you may even want to get a therapist in to help with this.. but also let them know that at this young age this is far too confusing for the baby..
Good luck.. and let us know how it turns out.
mandy
I think it's just part of the grieving process they are going through... a denial stage... and though it needs discussion... bear in mind that they are 15 yr olds, and the discussion may not be as adult as you think.
While they 'chose' adoption, did they really? I mean, in their hearts they wanted to keep the baby... if the condition was in-family for adoption or no adoption, i'm betting that they were more set on keeping the baby than many might realize. My thoughts are they called themselves Mom and Dad while Baby was in utero and that is just a hard hard habit to break. It will stop... but it might need some time. Keep all this in mind for the discussion.
So on one hand... sit them down and say, something to the affect of: I realize adoption is a difficult situation and the pain and grief is beyond anything I have felt. Much of the emotions you might be feeling: hurt, pain, anger, loss of control... these are all Very Concrete emotions. However, we need to discuss the issue of Mom and Dad. As the primary caretakers and the adoptive parents, our Baby will call me and my husband Mom and Dad. I thought our Baby would call you Mommy A and Daddy B but if you prefer another name that is fine... however it cannot be Mom or Dad. I realize this might make you angry, you have a right to be angry and hurt. But I'd rather we settle this before our Baby turns 1 so that we can avoid his being confused later on.
Yes, its setting a boundary. It's giving them some control over accepting their fate, choosing their 'names' and giving them a little time to change their thinking and grieve. I suggest a few months buffer for that... a time to gently correct them as you have been... but don't show that it bugs you when it does happen (dont let it become a 'button').
What is the consequence of not changing? Why... having their own child correct them later on.
Goodluck
Maia
" So.. they decided that they wanted to be called "Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Brian".. we are totally fine with that.. this way they in fact will still "feel" like family (to him) without him knowing that they are in fact his bio parents.. then when he wants to know who his bio parents are.. we will tell him."
I have to be honest, and I don't mean to highjack this thread, but this make me very uncomfortable and feels less than honest. It is always up to you how you parent your child, but I just wanted to tell you how this sounds to an outsider to your situation. It sounds like bait and switch. I dont want to come off as impolite, so I'll say no further.
sugar.. I understand what you are saying.. and to be honest I think that every situation is different and will also likely change as the child grows.. It was actually the bio dad that first asked to be "Uncle Brian" and he was VERY adament that our son not even be told he was adopted until he was 18!!!! we were not comfortable with that as we wanted him to know how he came to be in our family.. so we all agreed that he will know that he adopted.. but that it is HIS choice to decide when and how he wants to "meet" his bio parents.. we all felt like this was the best way.. I realize it is not perfect.. but we all also know of people who were perfectly happy not to look for the bio parents and others that want to know as soon as they can. (His bio dad was actually adopted at age 1 and so we know that he is speaking from his own experiences).
Anyway.. I just wnated to let you know that is IS a tough decision and very hard to figure out the best way to handle it.. it may change.. as he is only 6 months old.. but for now this is what we have all agreed to and it seems to be working for us..
Mandy
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I agree that it's time to start gently but firmly setting boundaries. They are also grieving and working to cope. In a way, not setting boundaries will be harder on them in the long run because they won't be able to move through their grieving process.
I think Maia was right on target when she suggested that they have some choice in their names, how to accept their fate.
If it helps, ours is a fully open blended adoption. Ryan named his bparents when he was 1 1/2. He calls them "Bema" and "Beda". We were all somewhat relieved b/c no one was sure exactly what would happen. His birth parents didn't want to be Aunt, Uncle, Mommy R, Daddy J, because they aren't aunt, uncle, mommy or daddy. They love that he chose Beda and Bema because they're special names and are also, well, private. When Ryan talks about his Bema and Beda in school, only those who know that these are his birth parents 'nicknames' understand that Bema and Beda are anything other than a grandparent or other relative. Both are very concerned that he not feel 'different' from the other kids and this allows that.
Besides, we jokingly told them, he was pretty adamant about their names so we didn't think he'd change anyway. We kept saying "No, Birth Mom." He'd say "Bema". We'd say "Birth Mom". He'd sigh and say "BEEEEMA, Mommy." OK.
As for where and when you take your child, with whom you leave them and what you leave them with, that's completely up to you. You do not 'have' to let anyone pick your child up and you do not 'have' to leave them a carseat so they can go places. Again, boundaries.
Lastly, you might want to get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight ([url]www.openadoptioninsight.org[/url]), she's an adoption educator, not an agency, and may have some very good insights for you.
HTH best of luck.
Regina
Mandy, it is tough. Before we adopted I had been told by a few adult adoptees that we were making a mistake seeking an open adoption, that we would only confuse our child. After a dialogue I learned the few folks who spoke to me had had disappointing reuniouns (I know that is not true for all adoptees who are not in favor of open adoption), and one person wished he'd never looked he was so disillusioned. I did my best to explain that part of our goal was to take the mystery away from who our child's birthparents are, to deflate the situation. I can only imagine trying to have this conversation with the birthfather of my child, all the more complex. I hope in time he feels less conflicted about his role in your son's life and that he wants to be "known."
Debbie, I'd also like to pose another solution for consideration (which just happens to be what we are doing :) ) We refer to our son's bparents as "Daddy X" and "Mama Y" (ummm, yes, replace their real names for "X" and "Y" ;) ). We mostly do that for context to ensure he knows (or will know, he's only 9 months now) who we're talking about. But when we're visiting with either of them, we interchange freely (whatever seems to fit into the context) with the shortened version. "Here, go sit on your Dad's lap for a bit." I truly believe there will be absolutely no confusion. A label does not make a relationship, and the 99% of the time that our son is only with us, he knows who "Mama" and "Daddy" (we more often use "Papa", so that also makes it easier) are. When we are in the presence of the bparents, the context is there for our son to figure it out. I think you could probably allow them to refer to themselves as mom and dad, and your son will know who loves and cares for him 24/7. As Brenda Romanchik has said, there's never been any confusion over who "Mom" and "Dad" are ... her bson has never asked her for money :D
Mandy, My nephew is 19 years old now and is in a time bomb situation with the knowledge of who his biological father is. Someone that he has known his whole life, but has no idea that he is related to him at all. My sister has chosen the same philosophy that you have, letting him know that he can have that knowledge if he wants it, but so far he doesn't seem to want to ask. I can share from our own family experience that it is horrible to have that kind of information about someone you love. It's like a dark cloud hanging over the family, and we fear the emotional damage that it will cause to my nephew, and his relationships within the family. If my sis could do it over again, I think she would have been honest from the start. And if she wouldn't, I'd lock her in a closet until she agreed with me (lucky for you I don't know you well enough to take those measures ;) ) I hope you take this as not a judgment of your choices thus far, but as a perspective from the other side of your son's development into a young man (and all that angry stuff that goes along with that). Although it is true that bdad has a say in this, you ultimately have the parental decision to make the right choices for your son in his emotional health.
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Plareb, I understand what you are saying about titles, but if I were in this gal's shoes, seeing the birthparents as often as monthly I wouldn't do it. One thing would prevent me, (reading between the lines, they may be very mature and understanding, and I may totally out of line) their understanding of what this "arrangement" is all about- in other words did they hope to place with close family so they could continue to be the "real" mom and dad and the adoptive parents would remain "just" the adoptive parents? Of course there is no way of knowing if they feel this way without asking and getting into a dialogue. (Yes, some of my own concerns for my own situtation are clouding my feelings here.) I am more concerned about their interpretation of the situation than I am the child's. I'm getting a sense that this is how they and the nephew's mom veiw things, with the reaction to not being allowed to drive the baby and with her sister laying on the infertile guilt trip.
Oh, I forgot to comment on the driving thing ... no way, no how. I even discourage dh from driving our boy around ;) It's absolutely not out of line for you to set such boundaries. SBM, I see your point if it's for setting boundaries with the birthparents. We do not have that issue with the birthparents, so I didn't think of that.
I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. I will be talking to them (the birth parents) on our next visit to try to get everything out in the open and ask them what they would like to be called by Jayden (although mom and dad are not an option, I will give them the option of mommy A and Daddy B) or whatever else they would like to be called as well as to try to set some boundaries. Both parents (birth parents parents) have offered both of them counseling - my nephew refuses). Maybe they might have another try at this as well. He keeps so much bottled up. Well, just wanted to thank all. Debbie
My husband and I adopted his bio nephew ( Paul) when the baby was only 6 days old. All of our bio children call Pauls birth mom Aunt T**. So he calls her that also. Paul knows that he is adopted, but does not know who his birth parents are. ( This is a decision all of the involved adults made, Esecially the birth mother who didn't want him to know yet)
Calling the birth parents Aunt and Uncle so and so is no big deal. A lot of people we know use those titles for special friends of the family.
Each adoption is different and will be handled differently.
Lana
5 biological kids and 1 adopted child ( soon to be 2, because we will be adoptiong Pauls bio sib when he/she is born in June)
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Something else to think about re names ... in our situation dh is dada and bdad is papa (name) ... this works really well.
However with me and bmom it's gotten confusing. I am mommy and bmom is mommy (name). When we get together, if we mention mommy (name) ... she doesn't even hear the second part ... she hears mommy and comes to me. Now that she's starting to talk, it's also less than ideal since both me and bmom are going to come out as mommy.
I know this isn't a big deal ... only something we never thought about when we talked to the bparents about how to refer to them.
My opinion on this is that the birth parents be referred to by their first names. When kids, at least mine, ask who their birth mothers are I give them the first name. We do not have open adoptions because my daughters were adopted after being apprehended and parental rights were removed. I feel it is important to name them which makes them somewhat less anonymous etc. I have a couple of children who have semi open adoptions and their birth mothers are called by their first names which is acceptable to them.
For the children being raised calling the bmothers Aunty etc. I do think when the kids come of age when they are asking which is generally about three that they are told that Aunty so and so is whose tummy you grew in or something to that effect so there is no bombshell dropped at a later age. I would simply stay away from the mommy X or daddy Y labels.