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It's been almost 3 years since I've seen my 5 year old son and 4 year old daughter. I am their birthmother. They were taken away by C.P.S. and adopted out.
I have no other blood family that are close. Everyone has died. I miss my babies so much. Sometimes I wonder if our seperation will ever be healed enough so that I can move on with my life. I mean I am doing much better than I was last year over the Holidays but still not that great.
I wonder about them all the time. I have no tangeable connection to them at all, except the hope that there is supposed to be a post-office box set up so the afamily can send me atleast a little information from time to time. But, nothing has happened yet.
Sometimes I feel like it's just a dream and that they'll be home soon. No one that I am friends with can possibly understand what a trial this is to go thru. They try to give me comforting words but nothing helps. I look for my babies faces everywhere. I long to hold them and smell them. I do understand that if my babies saw me it would cause them confusion and possibly heartache and I do not want to do this. I will not upset their little lives. I wish the a-family could understand that I have always loved them and always will. And that if they would try to understand my role in this situation as their b-mom, something I will always be it would help me live my life. Why do they insist on punishing me?
(A-MOMS OF CLOSED ADOPTIONS PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOUR POINT OF VIEW ON THIS IF YOU WOULD)
Most likely the a-family thinks that I was a bad mother and that because of the things that caused my babies to be removed from my home warrant keeping me completely and distantly from my babies. Just because I have bi-polar disorder does not warrant the asumption that I did not love and take well care of my babies as best I could. Why would an a-family not understand that this disorder I have should warrant more punishment by not even allowing me to have pictures of my babies and an update letter. People do not understand that mental illness does not make you dangerous, and especially to your own children whom I've always loved, adored, and always taken well care of. Just because the state steps in and feels that my children could be in some sort of unstable environment and decides that they must be removed from my home, should not warrant the a-family to think I am not hurting and suffering over the removal of angels.
I haven't even received a picture of them. I cannot understand what harm there is in the a-family sending me even a picture. I am not someone to be afraid of I only have severe depression and manic episodes that are relieved with my medication. Why are people so cruel when they hear of a mental illness (mental challenge as I call it) People should really try to understand that just using a "LABEL" is not only very hurtful but also very inaccurate.
If there are any a-families out there reading this and have a closed adoption but have a post-office box connection to the b-mother and do not think it's a good idea to send a picture of the child to her please help me understand what harm that would do and please know that in this case as well as probably most others, just how much comfort that would bring to the b-mom. Like as in my case it would me. If I could just see my babies eye to know that they are well and happy then, maybe I could have a sense of relief and could put to rest some of my anxiety.
I realize that some a-families may think it might do more harm than good and maybe think that for me the b-mom would miss them even more. But, that would be less painful by far than not knowing if they truly are well.
I have been told by the adoption agency that both of my babies were adopted together and that they are very much loved and are in a wonderful family. I so much want to believe this but I have nothing to go on but words. Words that could be generic and told to every b-mom. If only I would get something to confirm then I could rest easier.
Doesn't the a-family realize that first of all if they think that I would not recognize my babies at any age they are mistaken? And secondly, if I do not know they are well that I cannot rest? I guess my feelings are not warranted by the a-family.
If anyone has any experience or advice for me Please respond.
Thanks
Waiting for post-office box
stacy62
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It's hard to know what the afamily was told about you or why your children were removed. From the afamilies perspective, CPS was obviously involved for a reason-I have no clue nor do I want to know the reason but your children will want to know someday.
You sound like a very loving mother. I believe you and all my children's birthmothers love them very much. I was never given any contact information for my children's mothers. I know where 2 of the moms are and I send one pictures and updates through an older sibling who lives near her. The other denies all responsibility for what she did to her kids even though she spent 8 years in jail and admits hurting them-just denies it was her fault. I don't contact her because it would encourage her to try to contact her children and they are not in a place where that would be good for them right now and she would not understand that.
I know may people with bi-polar disorder and the meds do make a difference and that would not keep me from contacting a bmom.
I hope I have not offended you in anyway. I know there are two sides to every story and aparents only have the info they are given to work with. Have you asked the agency who placed your children if they would be willing to contact the afamily and ask if they would mind sending them pictures for you? It may or may not help.
I hope you get some peace. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.