unsure of future need insight and help please

I'm the same as you....when it comes to the birthfamily ...I tend to over analize every little thing. I'm not in your situation and surely you can't paint the whole picture in just a short post...so i wouldn't assume to know anything about your situation. But maybe you can consider things from an outsiders point of view. (As far as hurting your daughter) It certianly wasn't done on purpose. She may have felt terrible that she did get hurt...but tried to look on the brightside....of...well...she doesn't look like she got hurt REALLY bad ...so she'll be ok. Some people really baby kids over the tiniest bump....others are more likely to say..."hey look...your not bleeding...your fine...get up and be tough" neither is right or wrong...but just as you said....DIFFERENT!!! (As far as your husband) You've already said she likes to be the center of attention...and has lots of friends who are boys. It sounds like she is drawn to those sorts of comments and behaviour regardless of wether it is your husband or not. But it may go even deeper with your husband. She choose you and your husband because she saw in you guys the relationship she wanted for her child. A relationship she probably wished she had with her father or parents. She also sees how lucky you are to have a husband who in her mind is probably the ultimate...wonderful husband and father. Of course she loves him and is infatuated with him a bit. Hopefully she will take what she has seen(between you and your husband)...and find herself a husband that is equally as wonderful and charming. On the other hand i can see where you might feel some insecurity. Our daughters birthmom is gorgeous and skinny and sometimes in the back of my thoughts i think....maybe my husband would have been happier with her....because she is so beautiful and gave birth to our beautiful daughter. I know that may seem crazy. But that is my own insequrities regarding my weight or my little imperfections...or my infertility....it really has nothing to do with the birthmom. That's where I need to stand up and realize how special and important I am , and feel secure in my relationship. But that's not to say their should be limits. If she makes comments that aren't appropriate that needs to be pointed out to her. If she is overly physical with your husband you need to not only talk to her about it but also your husband. I hope everything gets worked out so you can continue to have contact....maybe you should focus on more written contact or phone contact for a while....until you aren't so upset about the situation...it would give you some time to, work out your own feelings and look at the big picture. Good Luck!!!

I can relate to much of what you've shared and also wanted to share a few thoughts I had while reading your post. You mention that you've always felt it was bmom's mother who pushed the contact. Her mother may have pushed initially, but she certainly seems to have a desire all her own to keep maintaining contact and long distance visits for 7 years. That's wonderful. As for the surrogate comments, they maybe how she really feels or they maybe a defensive mechanism she's given herself to make dealing with other feelings easier- either way I don't think they have anything to do with how your DD and she are not alike (you said there's "no connection" but I'm reading it to mean dissimilar). I know plenty of biological parents who are bonded and attached to their kids who are as dissimilar as it gets, it's just a personality/temperment thing. It sounds like somewhere in your mind you might be wondering: what are these visits doing, how are they helping, I'm stressed, my DD get's clingy, bmom doesn't seem connected??? Am I close? I can understand all of that. I try to look at it like I do my relationship with my in-laws. I am nothing like my in-laws, nothing! My babe spends time with them because they do have wonderful things to teach babe, they are loving, they are supportive- even though my MIL can bug the cr*p out of me, I know that the good outways all of that. It's the same for me with babe's birthfamily. Recently we've been dealing with some issues and it has caused stress. But I know I have to figure out how to deal with these issues and move our relaitonship forward. Even though I have yet to see the fruits of this relationship in terms of babe's adoption experience (if that makes sense), I have faith that all the ground work I lay now will be best for babe's future. So I suggest to you to have faith, have faith that all of this matters. It may not seem critical now that you all visit, but what if the day comes and it's very critical? We are like babe's birthparents, mainly in temperment, but are we nothing at all like other birthfamily members. The more we visit the more pronounced this becomes. Babe was a package deal, in the same way my hubby was- when both of them entered my life so did their families, so I work at relating to their families because I love them. The flirting bit would get on my nerves, no doubt. I've also had crazy dreams that hubby runs off with babe's birthmother- insane! I think guys can be blind to certain things. Saying something to your DH, citing examples for him, not just giving geralities, will help (both your mind and his, guys really want their wives to be happy). He can then see it and remove himself if he has to. It could be hard to address with her since you probably don't see her that often. Plus, it sounds like this is how she is, I have a cousin like that and it wouldn't matter what anyone said, she wouldn't get it since that's how she relates to the world. Did she stay at your house? If so, maybe that made the flirting, or the whole visit, a more intense experience. Possibly you need some down time during extended visits and her staying at a hotel is better. Too bad about your DD getting hurt, ouch. I've gotten irritated more than once at how others respond to babe getting hurt. Some people overreact and over dramatize (my MIL), others belittle babe (some of babe's birthfamily). It sounds to me like she was trying to reassure you and herself that your DD was ok. Maybe she was concerned you'd find her at fault. Or maybe she isn't around kids much and just couldn't tell your DD was that hurt, or thinks the way to handle it is to say get over it (a very common approach). Ok, this is long, but I only have a little more to say. I'm not surprised your DD is clingy after a visit. She wants some reassurance her world is going to remain as it is. I think that's normal. Especially now as she's reached an age where she's really able to (intellectually) get her adoption. She's right around the age where kids start to get how they fit into the world, and how they don't. If you go to pactadopt.org you'll find some great articles about adoption understanding and child developement, also google David Brodzinsky. I also understand those little fears that creep in now and again, that you will loose your child. You know you won't, so don't let yourself go there. All you do is cause greater anxiety and make dealing with relationship issues more complex for yourself (speaking from experience here). I'd love to hear back, now that a few more days have passed how things are, what you're thinking. Take care.

I have calmed a bit. I do want to say that when I say "connected", I mean in the way that she is with our dd. She is more connected to us. DD is a lot like her and there are LOTS of connections but she has always stated that she considered this a surrogacy thing. I will not go into the bio fathers part int his as it is very personal and very traumatizing (so you can guess how this happened) and I think her coping was done by telling herself she has no connection. She loves her BUNCHES and I know that. I also know that we are conservative and she is not. She talked about some crazy stuff but she is young. She even said to me that she cant think of me as anything but younger and I have always been her unconditional support. I just hope she evens out and becomes a settled happy person............that is all we have ever wanted. The flirting my dh and I have talked about.............he has removed himself ..............like when she tried to sit in his lap at dds birthday party :eek: My friends were thinking WTH!~?~~ I just pray with all my heart and soul that my dd is happy and healthy as an adult and I know that we are laying the ground work. It does not help that other friends with adopted children think we are crazy and PROUDLY proclaim they stopped the pics the minute they could.................I cant imagine doing that. I would not be a MOMMY if it were not for her biological mother. So, we will see what the future holds. Iwas so hoping to get a better response but oh well...............I am not on here much and that may be whY!

Oh, now I get what you're saying about how she's more connected to you. I've heard other adoptive parents say the same thing. I don't know what to tel you about htis. She may have a hard time knowing how to relate to kids, and imparticular how she's "supposed" to relate to your DD. My child's birthmother loves kids, spends time with other little ones, but hasn't quite found her way, or her comfort zone, with babe yet. I wish I could help more with this idea of connectedness. Hopefully in time they will find their own way and their own sort of relationship. Wow, yikes, on the lap?! She sounds very young, and like her boundaries with men are blurred. That had to be pretty wierd for your husband. I think my hubby would have a coranary if anyone but me tried to sit on his lap. I don't have much experience with this, others might. Was the crazy stuff political stuff? Do you hope she'll "even out" politically? Or was the crazy stuff just off the wall stuff? I really think the reason all your friends who've adopted are saying what they're saying is for their own sake. They have to feel good about what they've done but how can they if you don't join them? Instead you continually choose to stand up for your own commitments and morals. I'm sorry you didn't get the response you'd hoped for. This forum topic is less frequented, post your question on the General AP Support forum and I think you'll get more traffic. all the best.

The thing that concerns me most of all is your dd's reaction and feelings around her birthmom. No one wants to force a relationship on their child that makes them feel unsure about their home, parents, or family. Your DD has got to feel safe, and from what you say she does not when her birthmom comes to visit. I tend to agree with for now I would stick to emails and letters and maybe wait a bit on anymore home stays. Your DD's emotional well being is way more important than anything else right now.