When do you change the name?

Yes I'm defensive, and want to hear another perspective, because I've given this a lot of thought. The child that we are adopting desperately wants to be adopted, and be identified by the family name. One post stated how important a name (i.e. surname is to a child) if that's the case how can you suggest waiting four years before allowing the child that dignity. Imagine you are that child, and want to identify with your adoptive family and you have to contend with the family's notion of waiting a year or more, or until an adoption in "finalize" before allowing the child that rite. Meanwhile, he has developed an identity separate from the family, then suddenly that status change. If the adoption is a private issue with the child and or the parent this notion of prolonging that identification ruined that illusion.As per the family and the lawyer action against the school, I don't have enough information to form an opinion. o Was the child using the family name, but not his/her legal nameo Was there discussion with the school as to how they wanted the child to be addressed in the futureo Had the child expressed a preferenceI haven't check with the local school boards policy, but we intend to have the child admitted under the family name, day one.

To answer your questions, the child was enrolled under their legal name as we have to enroll a child using their legal name. The school can only enroll a child under the legal name of the child. That can be changed once an adoption is finalized in court. No, we did not give anyone permission to do something illegal. Nor did we encourage the family to do so. Until an adoption is final, all records, enrollments, medical treatments,etc, have to be recorded under a child's legal name in this state. I never encourage people to do otherwise and I do not make the law, just have to enforce it.

Originally Posted By LindaAnonymous.... I feel that your message was geared toward me when you stated why wait four years to give the child their dignity. Well, I will tell you why. My child was an extremely hard case to handle. Each child is different. She had been adopted and given back before. Name changed, but no dignity given I assure you. We waiting until we were positive that this would not be a disrupted adoption. We wouldn't give up, but would the state feel that she would be better somewhere else? They were set to put her in an institution until we showed up. So would they feel, with her behaviors, that the best thing for her and us would be that road? So why in the world would we quickly change her name to make ourselves feel better? What would happen at disruption? If she was using our name how would she feel? First things first. The child ALWAYS comes first. If we fought to have the school let her use our name and told her how we felt (yes, we would have loved her to use our name)of course she would have wanted to use our name. She would have felt how important it was to us. After she was with us for awhile she naturally wanted to use our name. We explained to her that she would someday and it would be a special day when she did. We explained also that it was not legal for her to use our name until after she was adopted. We did not make a huge issue of it. Instead we chose to build her self esteem and to be happy with who she was. I have no guilt in waiting four years to adopt her. It was the right decision for her and for us. She is now a happy and confident young woman with higher self esteem and is a very important part of our family. You may think I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, but the point is...I did want my daughter to have my last name before she was adopted. But that was for me. She knew the reasons and was ok with that even though she did want to have our last name. She knew that good things come to those that wait.And as for you having your child use your last name in school. Forget it. Until you adopt you have no leg to stand on. A child's legal name is the only one they are allowed to use in school, church, etc. Try not to make it any harder on the child expressing your wishes so adamantly. They will want what you want. They want to make you happy. Just let them know they are loved no matter what their name is. I understand you wanting to change it so badly, but it would make them feel a little less adequate knowing that their last name is not acceptable to you. Talk about a blow to a child's dignity. Another reason for stress on their part.

Originally Posted By LindaAnonymous.... I feel that your message was geared toward me when you stated why wait four years to give the child their dignity. Well, I will tell you why. My child was an extremely hard case to handle. Each child is different. She had been adopted and given back before. Name changed, but no dignity given I assure you. We waiting until we were positive that this would not be a disrupted adoption. We wouldn't give up, but would the state feel that she would be better somewhere else? They were set to put her in an institution until we showed up. So would they feel, with her behaviors, that the best thing for her and us would be that road? So why in the world would we quickly change her name to make ourselves feel better? What would happen at disruption? If she was using our name how would she feel? First things first. The child ALWAYS comes first. If we fought to have the school let her use our name and told her how we felt (yes, we would have loved her to use our name)of course she would have wanted to use our name. She would have felt how important it was to us. After she was with us for awhile she naturally wanted to use our name. We explained to her that she would someday and it would be a special day when she did. We explained also that it was not legal for her to use our name until after she was adopted. We did not make a huge issue of it. Instead we chose to build her self esteem and to be happy with who she was. I have no guilt in waiting four years to adopt her. It was the right decision for her and for us. She is now a happy and confident young woman with higher self esteem and is a very important part of our family. You may think I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, but the point is...I did want my daughter to have my last name before she was adopted. But that was for me. She knew the reasons and was ok with that even though she did want to have our last name. She knew that good things come to those that wait.And as for you having your child use your last name in school. Forget it. Until you adopt you have no leg to stand on. A child's legal name is the only one they are allowed to use in school, church, etc. Try not to make it any harder on the child expressing your wishes so adamantly. They will want what you want. They want to make you happy. Just let them know they are loved no matter what their name is. I understand you wanting to change it so badly, but it would make them feel a little less adequate knowing that their last name is not acceptable to you. Talk about a blow to a child's dignity. Another reason for stress on their part.

I have read your posting and the responses received to date ... for information ... many schools will allow the child to use the adoptive name in the classroom but all records remain in their legal name ... being tied to a social security number requires it. We have a sibling group of two placed with us ... one has chosen to have the teacher label her things with our name while the other has stated he will hold his own name until finalization occurs ... having had so many promises broken to him ... altho he has requested that we enroll him in little league with our name so his "real" name will be on the shirt so he can wear it after this season. Kids do have feelings and if they are old enough ... they should be consulted on all things that affect them!

you probably will run into obstacles that will only frustrate you and the child. I know everyone I talk with on the chats has heard this ad nauseum, but my spouse what in permanent foster care and never allowed to use his foster parents name, no matter what. This is the law, and it does have good reasons for existing. However, before we married, my husband legally had his name changed. He identified with his permanent foster family through all of his school experiences and his parents always introduced him as their 'son', never our 'foster son', or 'child living with us', etc. They knew who he was and he knew who he was. They would have changed things if they could, but there you are. Many children now-days have different names than their parents. Most people don't think too much about it, (as a reflection on you or the child, I mean) so bear with it while you have to, change when you can. The idea of waiting (which I'm pretty sure your state and school board will insist on)can be made into a milestone as the one family who posted suggested. This could be a Happy Thing, but only if you help to make it that way. Believe me, I'm looking forward to finally having that child in my home, as part of our family, with our name. I think this is part of that old nemesis of adopting families...WAITING.

If your child is known by your name in the class room, but all legal records are under birth name, then how are they listed in the school photos? or awards ceremonies? etc. Can the school do both simultaneously? I'm not disagreeing with you, just really wondering how this works logistically. What about graduation ceremonies? (I'm thinking 6th and 8th grades, etc.) Please post back and let me know how this works out logistically with your kids.

That's where it gets to be tricky ... the child who has the teacher using our name gets infuriated when they place her "legal" name on documents ... simple things like perfect attendance certificates and things have her listed with our name but anything "official" has the legal name on - school pictures, etc. are considered "official" ... that's why we have promoted use of both ... there is no way with an older child/special needs child adoption that people don't know and the child is much more comfortable with it if it is out in the open and using both takes away alot of that fear of someone knowing ... and having two different names these days is not as out of the ordinary as it was years ago.

Originally Posted By LindaI am so glad that I waited to change my daughter's name until after adoption now. I can imagine why your foster child is "infuriated" by the school using her real name. The child is probably trying so hard to be a real part of your family that this is so upsetting. I am with smileycake on this one. I think it is definitely in the best interest of the child to maintain their real name until after adoption. These kids have way too much turmoil in their lives to add more to it.I was just talking to my social worker today and she is going to place a little girl with me. Foster to adopt. I am going to do as before and change her name after she is adopted. IF she even brings the name subject up (which I have found most don't make a huge deal about it if you don't) I will explain how much she is loved and we will make a great celebration out of the day she finally legally changes her name. But I don't expect a big deal to be made over this issue since I won't make it a big deal. I am fortunate though in the fact that I will also be changing my name right along with her when my divorce is finalized. I will hold off on changing my name back to my maiden name until she changes hers. Then she won't feel like she is alone in this.I wish you and your family the very best and I hope that you will all happily share your last name soon. Good luck.

Relax, I wasn't suggesting that you were doing anything illegal. I don't know what the laws are, you're the professional, you know these thingsThis is a forum, and the only place where I've learned anything that I've know.As I said this is an emotional issue with us.

That's all I was trying to say (see: 78.2). I understand the need for legal records, etc. having to be in the child's pre-adoptive name, but one should seek a work around during the interum if the child prefers to immediate identify with the family's name in his/her new beginning.

Linda, nobody is suggesting that the various name change options is a one size fits all.I have students whose certificate etc. are Debbie, rather than Deborah, Beth/Elizabeth, one guys name is Kimberly a Scandinavian family name, He prefers Kim, and the list goes on. Furthermore your situation isn't similar to an individual adopting. If you're doing a foster/adopt it would seem that you have no option but to wait. Let me try it another way, why would you want to even attempt to have a child that you're fostering be identified by his adoptive name. Foster/Adopt is a "trail basis", not as hard wired as an outright adoption.Anyway, the assumption is that the child is compliant or desirous of the change, and hence not as confused as you would propose. In fact I think they would appreciate your being sensitive to them.

Originally Posted By LindaYou do realize when you adopt there is a waiting period don't you? You just don't get a child into your home and they are automatically adopted. I am ONLY an adoptive home. They know they are not allowed to place with me unless it is an adoption. I don't take children on a "trial" basis. I take them for keeps...always. If I took children on a trial basis why in the world would I have gone out last night and bought a complete bedroom set for a girl I may or may not keep? But I do realize that there is a waiting period before you can adopt. Be it a month...six months...or a year. Different children...different waiting periods. And until that point they are to be using their legal name. It doesn't matter what I want or the child wants. That is just the way it is. And nicknames are completely different than the child's last name.I have been through this before. I am not new to adoption. With enough explaining and love children understand why adults make the rules they do. I just love my kids unconditionally and handle issues as they come up. But they always know they are loved by their mom. And it is for keeps.

I'm late coming into this one, but after reading the posts on adoption and name change you mentioned your situation of fostering a child for four years, then later adopting her, afterwards changing her name.Help me out, my question isn't related to your issue of name change in that since you were fostering and wouldn't/couldn't, in short its moot to the topic being discussed. The question is, were you fostering the child for four years to determine if you were going to adopt, and isn't that as bad as disrupting an adoption.That's akin to living with a person to see how it works oppose to taking the plunge and doing the old fashion marriage, contract, vows things, "'till death do we part". I'm not criticizing your decision to foster, but it's the four years that has me perplexed.

Originally Posted By LindaMy daughter was an extreme case. She was in 26 foster placements. Was adopted and given back three years later and was on her way to an institutionalized upbringing when we met her and stepped in.We weren't regular foster parents. We were trained to do specialized foster care. Anyway, to say my daughter had problems was putting it mildly. She had about every problem known to foster care with the exception of physical disabilities. Since my daughter had so many disruptions we were caucious. Very caucious. They wouldn't let her be adopted immediately. We had to wait a longer than normal period due to her acting out. They wanted a permanent placement this time and not another disruption.We were EXTREMELY careful. We didn't want to damage her, but we didn't want to damage us either.And I was more committed to her than my husband. He didn't care if we ever adopted her. I wanted to much sooner but he didn't. This reasoning was very apparent when 1 year after we adopted her we seperated. His statements like well, I want a "real" child. And she is not "real" were devestating to me and he also told her that. But when he fathered (he thinks, but is not sure) a child with a married woman while we were seperated and told my daughter that he didn't need her anymore because he had a real child now. Well...that is when I understood why it took us so long. It wasn't my commitment but his.By the way he doesn't see her anymore. It is better for her. She is much happier. We love each other very much. She knows she is loved.So maybe that answers some questions for you. Last night in a foster care training I brought this subject up. The disagreement in name changes and the legality of it. I was backed by not only the foster parents in the room but by a well seasoned foster care trainer. Make sure the child knows they are loved unconditionally....and the name won't matter.