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So I'm a Birthmother of two years. I placed my daughter when she was two days old with a wonderful family that i chose and was able to meet. I have a semi open adoption so i can send letters and receive them also.
When I placed my daughter Olivia I was 17 years old. I felt no regret and continue to feel that way to this day. But now that I'm coming up on her birthday I feel like I'm so left out of the loop. I feel like even though i made this decision i don't really matter. It's so hard to accept the fact that i might not mean anything to this little girl that i love so much. I've loved getting pictures of her and being able to see glimpses of her growing up. But i'm so afraid that she's going to grow up and realize that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I feel like i'm going to be some woman who is like an ancestor. They matter because they are an important part of your history and who you are at the present, but no one really ever searches to find out who their ancestors are. they never really care what happened to them. I feel like that's what i'm going to be and i pray to god that it's not like that. I find it so hard to be optimistic when i'm so emotional.
I just wish i could find some way to make her birthday something that i can be happy about and not concentrate on how much i miss her and am afraid that she won't ever know me.
thanks to whoever reads this. sometimes you just need to be emotional and express your feelings whatever they may be.
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did you get you a present for her bday? I'm planning to get my bf a gift for her bday and something small for me, too. Its not to late to get something special for you.
It may not be like that, I know to that its hard to be optimistic, but keep hope. I'm afraid to that when Kara is old enough the fact that I love her and barely know her will scare her away. I can only hope that she will want to have some sort of relationship with me, her bdad, and the daughter I parent.
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Pea...your words hit home with me because they are EXACTLY how I've been feeling. I keep wondering if he'll love me?...or will I just be unimportant to him?...will he want to talk with me and want to hug me and care about me?
If you have not read "Children of Open Adoption" by Kathleen Silber, then I HIGHLY recommend it. It has really helped with my feelings regarding this issue.
What I've learned so far is that during the early years you are building a strong and healthy relationship with the aparents via letters, phone calls, photos, visits (or whatever is involved in your semi-open adoption). When the child is older they begin really understanding the importance of you and want to know you and really do love you. Okay this was a very poor description of the book but I do suggest that you read it. It's really good.
Do something special for her birthday...whatever that means to you. Maybe take the whole day and stay home and do things that make you happy. Or buy yourself something special. Go see a movie. Or just start a ritual just for yourself.
(((pea)))
Vanda
peaI have to agree with the other two posters. Take some time for your self on her birthday or get something for your self, granted I have not reached my sons 1st birhday still I do feel those same things every time the 5th cames around so I take a little time to my self or go out with some friends. I to have a semi open adoption plan and I have found that if you write often and send pictures it does help to build a relationship with your childs aparents. Every time I write or send pictures they always write me telling me how much those things mean to them. So that is just a suggestion and you might already be doing that. Your not alone in you feelings most of us if not all of us have them ... the exact same ones. Jess birthmother to Zachary born oct.5,2004
you all have really good thoughts. thank you for posting.
i got her a baby doll and crocheted a blanket and burp bib for her. she just got a little sister early in december and i thought it would be fun for her to be able to take care of her own little baby. i'm sure she has tons of dolls though. but i thought it would be cute.
i know i need to take my own time tomorrow. but it's hard to think that time to myself will help. maybe i'll go talk to my counselor. she totally offered the day to me. and i think i'm going to throw a party with my family for her. it feels weird to do that but i feel like it's something that will help. I definitely feel like this part of me just needs to be recognized. I feel like the fact that i'm a mother is lost in the day to day things i do. and it's hard because it's such a huge part of my life. and it always will be.
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(disclaimer: as I'm writing this it is TECHNICLLY the 19th as it is 12:41am but it still seems like the 18th to me!!)
Happy birthday Olivia!!! And Pea, this me officially recognizing you as a MOTHER on your precious daughters birthday. Two years ago your little one was born and placed in your arms and in turn you placed her into the home of a loving couple. Your adoption plan was based out of complete and total love for your daughter. You are an amazing woman and mother!!
I hope that you were able to do something special today to celebrate your motherhood and her life.
(((pea)))
Vanda