Not fitting in at play group....three strikes

Hi I am 46 and I have a 3 year old adoptive daughter from equador and I do remember the unspoken questions, but I have learned to keep a straight face and answer question. my advice: It takes time to get rid of the sentitivity. Respect others feeling about being different and keep an open mind - and believe me there are older moms out there. Join an adoptive parents group or look through other neigborhoods for more open-minded playgrups. YMCA is one place where there could be more diversity.It is not always about what is being said, but how it is perceived.Good Luck

There are plenty of parents out there in their late 30's and 40's..in our MOM's club there is one older than me and 1 mom that is slightly younger..the rest are probably early 30's..(I am 41)..I have a 2.5 year old and a 14 year old..I have the oldest kid in the club..they are very nice..and have moms night out etc..I get along well with the woman slightly older than me..but the younger ones just keep talking about their manicures and pedicures and I am just not into that stuff! They have always been very accepting of our adoption and Ana fits right in and plays..there are some rough older boys in the group..so we try to do the one for age 2 and under.. Try an attachment parenting support group in your area..hippie mom's and I am sure some are late 30's and 40's..

I'm 39, kids are 11 and 2 and they've been with us for 6 months. I didn't even try playgroups with the toddler; not my scene. When I go to my favorite parks I'm happier to see my favorite nannies and the retired trucker (going on 50, stay at home dad and college student) than the women who are more "like" me. Because people think our kids look like us (they're not brown) we don't get any odd curiosity. So here's the interesting part - when the topic of adoption comes up, people have always been interested, and I haven't had any stupid or hateful things said yet. I'm glad of that, but it really makes me think about the reasons people get so many inappropriate remarks when their kids don't "match".

You will find the right playgroup. Hang in there. Actually I never belonged to a playgroup w/ DD. Now- she is in kindergarten. I spend time w/ quite a few moms, who ages differ greatly. I'm the youngest and I'm 31. A lot of them do have grown children, and kindergartners! Things will work out. You were meant to have this baby or you wouldn't! You don't need that group! Take the baby and go to the library, park, McDonalds, who cares where. Enjoy your time together.

I am the 53 year-old adopted mother (former grandmother) of a 3 year-old boy. Try looking for a grandparents group. There are lots of us who are parenting children and you could be the "youngster".You can find grandparents during the day at local fast food restaurants that have indoor play areas. Also at public libraries when there are children's programs. Art supply/craft stores that have programs for preschoolers during the day draw lots of us. Also, local churches have mom's day out programs (grandmoms are eligible for these too). You don't have to have a large group -- find two or three people you like and invite them and their children for tea and cookies some afternoon. Chances are they will return the invitation and you will have friends with children the same age as yours! Good luck!

AS for your daughter's color... my DH and I have been mentoring (and acting as "surrogate" moms for) five fabulous siblings from Somalia who were at-risk. The two youngest spend vacations with us now that we have moved about 10 hours by car away from them.We are cauc. The girls are cafe-au-lait and dark brown. We don't really see their color, and lived in DC where it was so diverse racially and ethnically, that is the norm. Now we live in MA< in a village where the girls really stand out in a crowd.I know they don't really let the fact that they are african american affect them (because I've asked). Ihave gotten stares, but I assume it is because the girls are absolutely stunning, not because I am a cauc w/two aa girls.What I have to say is this... your daughter, so loved, will be a pioneer in whatever playgroup you attend if you live in a less diverse area. Can you look at it this way? That those people who are unused to difference in color will learn how fundamentally we are all the same. Please don't give up. And 20 year olds have less life experience, you are setting the tone by sticking w/a group and letting them get a taste of diversity. As long as the children are not ignoring your DD, or they are trashing you in front of her that she would notice?I know it must be hard... good luck. Someone's suggestion of your starting a mom's group yourself is a good idea. If you do a google search I think there is a website dedicated to that type of thing.

I love the idea of older moms starting their own groups, in fact when I become a mom, I'd rather be in a group like that than one of moms my own age. I'm in my early twenties now and I have more fun talking to my parents and grandparents friends than I do college age/young adults. I just dont relate to their perspectives on life, and people shouldn't have to go back several maturity levels just to fit in. I hope you all find someone how actually understand what's going on in your life now instead of several years ago.

Hi I could of wrote your post. I have never fit in to play groups. I a 41, have one son we adopted he is aa and we are adopting again and thisbaby is also aa. I a nin indiana where are you fromi wish you lived by me. i would love to get together.kim

Oh I am sooo glad you adopted a child. I notice that the problem is with the others and not you. Just find a decent group for yourself. Those groups dont suit you, they are not worth it.:fish:

Keep looking!!!!! It is really difficult to fit in with the 20 somethings at our age; I'm 40 as well. My husband and I moved to a small town in WV shortly after adopting our sib group of 4. It did take me awhile to find other moms in my age range, but they are there. It also took me awhile to find moms that didn't have a bias against my kids once they found out their circumstances. Just keep looking. The park idea is great, I would also try parent and child swim classes, tumbling, and any other toddler activity you can find. Call your local YMCA, YWCA, colleges and park services and read your local paper. It will get easier as your child gets older, and your child becomes involved in more activities. (I meet more moms through my 5 and 6 year olds than through my three and four year olds). When I finally began meeting moms closer to my age, they too were delighted to find they weren't the only ones! We are out here, you just need to find us! -Diana Amom to four wonderful kids as of 10/12/2005!!!!!

I know, old thread, but seriously. Just go to the playgroup for the kids and read a book! Ignore the snoots and just enjoy not having the children cling to you and whine with boredom. I live in a country where there are no playgroups, hardly even any playgrounds at all an none within walking distance (and I can't drive). I would give anything to be able to sit there and let my two toddlers play with other toddlers and be ignored by the adults. Every family on my street has preschool age children and they NEVER EVER play with our children. They rarely even play with each other. They are glued to their TVs or in preschool classes every moment. We don't even have a TV, so we're weird. Our kids aren't sickly pale florescent white, so there is no way other parents will let their kids play with ours. Big reason we made sure not to adopt just one. I am from the US but can't move back right now. If I can, I will go to any play group, expect to be ignored and shunned by 99 percent of the moms and be fine with that because my kids won't be lonely and bored stiff. I mean, sure it would be nice to actually be treated like a human being but that is really unrealistic in this day and age.

Please take my word for it...there is a place for you. You don't need to join a group simply to join. Why not start your own playgroup? An ad in the classifieds is a place to start, but why not use your resources as an amom? Call your agency, see if they'd be open to your starting an "A-Playgroup" with past veterans, present new parents, and future aparents being able to join. [url=http://www.afformula.com/]AF Formula™ – Asian Flush Cure. Treatment for Alcohol Flush Reaction[/url]

I am waaayy over 40 and my youngest is in preschool. I am a lot older than the moms there. I have stayed away from playgroups for that reason but I think it would have been better for my daughter if we got more involved. You are not alone, you are not too old, and your daughter is blessed to have such a caring mom! [url=http://www.afformula.com/]AF Formula™ Asian Flush Cure. Treatment for Alcohol Flush Reaction[/url]